Chapter Twenty #2
It’s impossible to stop my thoughts sliding into darker places, though.
I think about my father, and wonder whether he has the strength to keep fighting, especially after the devastating news about his son.
And I think about Mark, and what he tried to do, and what might have happened if he’d succeeded.
Will he try again? All of us will worry about that now.
Every time I walk away from him, I’m going to fear it’ll be the last time I see him.
What would we do if he attempted it again, and was successful next time?
What would Nina do? And what about Thea?
A movement next to me causes me to glance across at Kingi.
He’s rested his hand on the sofa cushion between us, and as I look, he turns his palm up and beckons his fingers, requesting I move toward him.
Then he lifts his arm up, indicating he wants me to move next to him.
His expression is kind. He’s seen my emotion, and he wants to comfort me.
I shouldn’t… I mustn’t…
But I have no willpower left to say no. I want the comfort, and I want to be close to him. So I shift along the sofa, curl up next to him, and slide my arm around his waist as he lowers his around me.
Thea looks up, sees us, smiles, and goes back to coloring.
I stay there like that for the rest of the movie.
There’s something about Kingi that grounds me and brings me out of my head and back down to earth.
His body is heavy and solid. I sneak my fingers beneath the hem of his tee onto his skin, enjoying the warmth, and the way he stirs and murmurs his approval.
He smells amazing. Yesterday he was clean shaven, but today he has a little stubble; he’s probably going to grow his beard back again.
The stubble darkens his cheek and provides a delicious masculine touch.
I want to run my fingers along his jaw and feel my nails scrape on the bristles.
I could have lain there like that all night, but eventually the movie ends. “Is it okay if I give Thea a bath?” I ask Kingi.
He nods. “Use the main bathroom—there’s a big bath in there. I’ll run it for you.”
Sure enough, there’s a large sunken bath, and Thea squeals with delight when she goes in and discovers it full of bubbles.
I help her get in to make sure she doesn’t slip, and I wash her hair for her, while Bearcub comes up and tries to eat the bubbles.
Thea blows them onto him and then laughs as he races around with them in a big pile on his head.
Kingi sits on the carpet outside the bathroom and talks to us, and when Thea starts singing the songs from The Little Mermaid while she plays with the bubbles, he joins in, getting all the words wrong, of course.
I smile, listening to them and imagining that one day my life could be something similar to this, with my own husband and child.
Is that in the stars for me? And who would play the role of adoring husband?
I can’t help but continue my fantasy, and wonder what it would be like to be married to Kingi.
He originally admitted he couldn’t see himself settling down, especially because of what’s happened to his parents, but since then he’s made a few comments that have suggested he’s beginning to change his mind.
Maybe before that, he envisaged being married to someone like Sabrina—a high-maintenance girlfriend who would almost certainly make his life a misery.
But perhaps now he can see the benefits of a long-term relationship with someone he truly loves.
A partnership where you work together against the trials and tribulations that life throws at you.
The thought of having someone at your side to love and protect you in that battle is hugely appealing.
As is the regular sex, of course.
Trying not to think about that, I hold the towel up for Thea as she gets out, find her pajamas while she dries herself, and plug in the hairdryer. I brush and dry her hair for her and braid it while Kingi asks her what she wants for a bedtime snack and gives her a few options.
We go back out into the kitchen, and Kingi prepares her choice: a slice of toast with peanut butter and a glass of milk.
While she’s eating that, Nina calls me on my phone. After a brief chat, I pass the phone to Thea, and she talks to her mum while Kingi and I go into the kitchen and unpack the clean dishes from the dishwasher.
“How is everyone?” he asks.
“Dad is doing well and apparently has a bit more color. Nina said Mark has been quiet. He’s asleep now.”
Kingi nods toward Thea. “You know that she was the one who found him?” He passes me a couple of plates.
I stare at him, my jaw dropping. “Seriously?”
“Yeah, she told me.”
I’m stunned. None of them mentioned it when I turned up at the house. Ohhh… the poor girl.
I’m also surprised that she confessed to him. “You say you can’t picture yourself as a father,” I tell him, “but you obviously have a way about you with kids that makes them open up to you.” It’s clearly one reason why they want him at the Foundation.
“It’s because I’m still one myself,” he says with a grin.
I smile, because I’m meant to, but it’s a self-deprecating comment, because that’s not the reason. It sounds as if he makes them feel that their thoughts and feelings are valid. He makes them feel seen.
I glance over at Thea. She’s sitting on the sofa, listening to her mum talk. I don’t want her to feel as if I’m eavesdropping, so I turn back to Kingi.
“How are your parents doing?” I ask as I remove the glasses and put them in the cupboard.
“I saw Mum today, actually.”
“Oh? How’s she doing?”
He hesitates, staring at the dish in his hands. Then he turns to place it in the cupboard. “Not good.”
“Oh no, why?”
“It turns out my dad is having an affair.”
I stare at him in shock. “Oh no.”
“I asked him if he was cheating and he said, ‘of course not.’ But it was a lie. She said he’s been seeing this woman in the city for over a year.”
“I’m so sorry.”
He sighs and leans back against the kitchen counter. “Mum wants a divorce. She wants him to move out, but he’s refusing. I think I’m going to have to talk to him to convince him to go.”
“Oh, that’s awful.”
“Yeah. He’s going to be angry about that.
He’s said that if she wants a divorce, she has to leave.
But that’s not fair on her. I think he should move into the city and get an apartment.
It’s not as if he can’t afford it. And he’s the man.
He needs to be the one to take responsibility, admit the marriage is over, and do something about it.
” His face is hard. He’s disappointed and upset with his father, and understandably so.
Despite his carefree attitude and his string of girlfriends, I very much doubt he’s cheated on any of them. He’s not that kind of guy.
He looks past me and says, “She’s finished the call.”
I turn to see Thea coming into the kitchen, holding out the phone. “Thank you,” she says. She’s pale, but composed.
“Everything okay?” I take the phone and leaving it on the counter.
She nods. “They’ve given Daddy something to help him sleep. Mummy said he should feel better in the morning.”
“Oh, that’s good.”
“Someone is going to talk to him in the morning,” she says. “About what he did.”
“A therapist?”
“Um… she said it was a psy… psych…”
“Psychologist?”
“Yes, I think so. What’s the difference?”
I glance at Kingi.
“They’re pretty much the same,” he says.
“Both of them help you to understand why you make certain choices, and to come to terms with trauma. A psychologist has a doctorate—a special degree. They’re more highly trained, that’s all.
It’s good. It means your dad will get to talk to someone with a good understanding of mental health issues. ”
I like the way he isn’t afraid to tackle difficult topics head on. He doesn’t shy away from problems or emotions.
“Will they make him better?” Thea asks.
“I hope so,” I say.
“They’ll help him understand why he did what he did,” Kingi says.
“They’ll talk about his feelings, and whether he’s depressed.
They might give him some pills to help him feel more level and able to cope.
And they’ll probably find him a therapist for ongoing counselling.
It won’t be a quick fix. He’s not going to get better overnight.
But he’s obviously been feeling very bad.
And now everyone knows, they can start helping him get better. Does that make sense?”
She nods.
“All right,” I say softly. “Time for bed, I think. Have you finished your toast?”
She brings the empty plate and glass out while Kingi takes Bearcub outside for a final garden visit. Then we walk them down to the spare bedroom. Kingi lifts Bearcub onto the bed, and once Thea is settled, the puppy turns around a couple of times, then curls up in the crook of her legs.
“I’ll come in before we go to bed and take him out for another pee,” Kingi tells her. “But I’ll bring him back afterward, so don’t worry if you don’t wake up.”
He goes out, and I sit on the bed beside her. “Are you okay?” I ask her. “Anything you want to talk about?”
She shakes her head. “I’m okay.”
“Kingi told me that you were the one who found your dad after he took the overdose.”
She nods.
“That must have been very hard for you,” I say softly. I wonder whether she’ll have nightmares about it. “Are you worried about him?”
She thinks about it, then shrugs. “Yes… but Kingi said that now everyone knows how Daddy feels, they can help him get better.”
“That’s right.”
“I love him,” she says in a small voice.
“Of course you do.”
“I want him to be better.”
I stroke her hair. “He will be, sweetie. Try not to worry too much.”
She cuddles the owl plushie to her, reaches over and pats Bearcub, then looks at the lamp that’s glowing in the semi darkness.
“I’ll just be in the living room,” I tell her. “And I’m sleeping next door. If you want me at all, just call out and I’ll come running, okay?”
“Okay.”
“Goodnight darling.” I bend and kiss her forehead. “See you in the morning.”
She looks so young and small lying there. My eyes sting as I go out of the room, leaving the door open a crack.
I walk down the corridor into the living room, pushing the door partway closed so I can hear her, but we don’t disturb her if we have the TV on, and then stand by the sofa, feeling a sudden sweep of emotion.
“Babe…” Kingi was flicking through Netflix, but he gets up now, comes over, and wraps his arms around me. “Aw…”
“So much in our lives is out of our control,” I whisper.
“I know.” He rubs my back, and I bury my nose in his tee.
“It’s horrible feeling so helpless.”
“Yeah.” He kisses the top of my head.
I rest my cheek on his chest and look out the front window. It’s completely dark out, and there’s no moon, so the Pacific is just a sea of blackness. As I watch, it begins to rain lightly, pattering against the windows.
“It’s going to be all right,” Kingi says. “I promise.”
My throat tightens, and I move back a little.
He cups my face and looks down at me. I think he’s going to kiss me, but he pauses, and I know what’s going through his mind. I’m emotional and vulnerable, and he doesn’t want to take advantage of me. And that’s fair enough.
But what about if I want to be taken advantage of?
I need comfort. I want to be touched. I need someone to show me they have feelings for me. And I want to kiss, and be kissed in return.
Lifting up onto my tiptoes, I press my lips against his. I don’t know what tomorrow is going to bring, or whether there’s any future for the two of us. All I know is that, right now, I want him, and he’s here, and I’m not going to let the opportunity pass.