Epilogue
NOW
The little barn had been decked with small, white fairy lights which sparkled against the bare brickwork and the dark wood, laid by builders centuries ago to house their cattle, and now transformed into a wedding venue with old world charm.
She stood in the vestibule with her dad, smiling in her dress, feeling entirely comfortable and entirely herself. Mum had done her make-up and gathered her hair into a messy up-do, with soft curls that fell against her face.
‘You look lovely,’ Dad had said when she’d arrived, and she’d squeezed his hand.
She could hear the rumble of conversation from the next room as guests arrived and settled into position. Somewhere among them, she knew, was Will’s voice. They’d spent the night apart in some sort of nod to tradition, and she was longing to see him again.
‘Do you mind if I…’ her father said now, gesturing to the little corridor where the loo was situated.
‘Oh, of course. Go ahead.’
Then she was alone in the tiny room with its tiled floor and rough-plastered wall. She set her bouquet – pink and white roses – on a table and went over to the window looking out over the countryside, to the fields dotted with sheep and cows, the cluster of trees on the horizon. She’d waited for this day, in some ways, her whole life – the wedding that she’d always imagined.
But her mind was muddled, filled with joy at the thought of marrying Will, but sadness too at the thought of her first wedding; of Tom.
‘Tom?’ she whispered into the empty room, half hoping to provoke a hallucination. He’d been absent in the weeks since Paris and that was a good thing. But she missed him too, found herself grieving his absence.
There was no answer.
She closed her eyes, blocking out the view of the countryside beyond the little stone barn, pictured Tom as she’d first known him, dressed as Lysander, or sipping coffee opposite her in that tiny cafe. She remembered their first trip to Paris, their last. Remembered saying goodbye to him. The recent trip to Paris when he may or may not have been there. ‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered. ‘I’m sorry it turned out that way.’
They’d been unlucky. But lucky too. To have found each other, to have had the experiences they’d shared. They’d been through hell together, but had loved each other throughout. Now he was at peace and she had the chance for a new beginning.
She felt a warmth spread through her as she imagined Will standing just out of sight, waiting for her. She imagined Tom too, his face smiling at them both – because he would, she thought, if he could. He wouldn’t want her to be alone. And he’d loved Will. Loved them both.
As she straightened the satin skirt of her dress, movement out of the window caught her eye. Out in the courtyard, behind the converted barn she’d walk to a little later for the wedding breakfast, she saw him: a figure in jeans, hands in his pockets, back to her, black hair shining in the sun. Almost iridescent. There was something about the way he was standing, the set of his shoulders. She felt something shift inside her.
Slowly he turned, and although he was several metres away, she recognised his face; the intense eyes, mouth giving way to an easy smile.
Something inside her dropped. Because it couldn’t be, could it?
Looking again, her eyes locked with those familiar eyes of his and she felt a shiver as, smiling, he gave her a single nod, as if, somehow, he was telling her to go ahead, to live. She leant closer to the window and?—
‘Are you ready, kid?’ said a voice.
Her father had returned and was standing near the door, holding out his arm. ‘You all right?’
She turned back to the window, saw the soft sunlight illuminating the cobbled space between her and the building. Her eyes darted, looking for the man. For Tom. But there was no one there.
She took a breath, filling her lungs with oxygen, with life. And she felt her past fall away, the future stretch before her.
‘Yes,’ she said, turning with a smile, her eyes shining with moisture. ‘I really am.’ And she slid her arm through her father’s and stepped out of the door towards the courtyard and the place where she’d be shortly saying ‘I do.’