13. Hayden
I was practically boneless as Cillian carried me up the stairs and toward his bedroom. I couldn’t even be bothered by the fact that I was completely naked and anyone in the house could’ve seen me.
He laid me gently on the bed, pulling the covers up around me and brushing his lips across my temple. “Be right back.”
I mumbled something incoherently, already slipping into that state between sleep and wakefulness. I heard the shower turn on. My body stirred a fraction, pushing me to follow Cillian into the shower, to give him a little of what he’d given me. But sleep tugged at me again.
I woke as the bed dipped behind me. Cillian’s large form curved around my smaller one as he pulled me to him.
“I need to shower,” I grumbled.
“Tomorrow.” His breath tickled my ear.
I laced my fingers through his as they rested on my belly. “Are you okay?”
Cillian was quiet for a moment before he answered. “No. Not really.”
An ache lit in my chest as I gripped his fingers tighter. “It seems like both you and Maddox have a history with the council.”
Cillian’s thumb swept back and forth across my belly, but he didn’t speak.
I worried the corner of my lip, the darkness in the room making me brave. “I want to know you, Cill. That means opening up to each other and learning about each other—more than just the fact that we’re mates, and that’s that.”
Cillian tugged me tighter against him. “I know you as more than my mate.”
I huffed.
“You’re obsessed with science and science puns, you try to help others, even when you shouldn’t, and you want to be a doctor because, in some way, it’ll give you a chance to save your parents.”
I stilled, my body tensing. “How do you know that?”
Cillian traced a design on my stomach. “I pay attention, Little Flame. And I’m starving for any little piece of information you give us.”
Rolling to face him, I strained to make out his features in the dark. “Don’t you think I might feel the same way? But you’re not nearly as easy to read.”
Cillian’s lips twitched. “That’s by design.”
“Cut a girl some slack.”
His hand lifted, fingers tangling in my hair. “My father wasn’t a good man.”
My stomach twisted at his words. There was no emotion in Cillian’s voice. It was simply empty. “How so?”
“He kidnapped my mother. Kept her prisoner in a dungeon and raped her repeatedly. I’m a child of those assaults.”
I sucked in a painful breath. “Cillian…”
“She never made me feel that way, though. She loved me with everything she had. She finally convinced a guard to help me escape. That guard knew that, eventually, my father would likely kill both me and her. He already had a political marriage in the works. I was nothing but a bastard son, a liability to his lineage.”
Everything hurt. “You got out?”
He nodded. “The guard gave me a little cash. I ran to the nearest large city and lived on the streets.”
“How old were you?”
“Twelve.”
An image of a young Cillian scared and alone flashed in my mind. I couldn’t stand it. I moved into him, pressing myself tight to his side and laying a hand over his chest. I needed to feel that steady beat of his heart against my palm. To remind myself that he was okay.
“I found other shifters. Stuck with a group of them. One told me about the council. Said that they were supposed to get involved if any dragon shifters, anywhere in the world, stepped out of line.”
“So, you went to them,” I surmised.
Cillian’s heart beat faster, pounding against my hand. “I saved up for months. Finally got enough money for the bus fare to New York. Went to Nolan’s office.”
Everything inside me twisted into knots. “It didn’t go well.”
“He told me that there was no proof of my father’s wrongdoings. I begged him to search the area I told him about, but he refused to do that to someone of my father’s reputation. Patrick O’Connor was the king, after all. He led one of the largest dragon hordes in the world.”
I wished I would’ve punched Nolan in the nose today. No, I wished I would have done so much worse.
“What did you do?” I whispered.
“I tried to go back. To get her out myself. But when I got there, I found out she’d already been killed. He ended her life as if she were nothing more than a piece of garbage to throw away.”
Tears burned the backs of my eyes. “I’m so sorry.”
Cillian’s hand found the back of my neck and squeezed. “Me, too. I never should’ve left her. I should’ve stayed?—”
“No.” I put as much force behind the word as possible. “So you could’ve been killed, too? That’s the last thing your mom would’ve wanted.”
Even in the darkness, Cillian’s eyes blazed. “She was alone.”
“But she knew you were free. That gave her peace.”
Cillian hauled me on top of him, pressing his face to my neck. I felt wetness there and knew he was crying. One of the strongest men I’d ever known, letting his tears fall for the woman who’d given him everything.
“I killed him. My father,” Cillian said, voice rough. “I did it to protect my half brothers, but I would’ve done it, regardless. In cold blood, with no provocation.”
I pulled back a fraction, wanting to see his eyes. “Do you think that’s going to make me run?”
“It probably should,” Cillian murmured. “I have a coldness in me. A cruelty. I needed it for survival.”
I pressed up, straddling his lap and placing my hands on his chest. “Loving you means every part of you. I love that coldness and cruelty because they kept you alive. They brought you to me.”
“Hayden,” he croaked.
“I love you.”
Cillian hardened against my core. “I don’t know if I even know what that means, let alone if I’m capable of it.”
My expression softened. “You love the people around you every single day. You’ll trust it one day.”
But until he did, I’d show him in other ways.
So that was exactly what I did.