1. Matteo
ONE
MATTEO
Present
When the last of the boxes are full, I wipe the sweat off my brow with the back of my hand and sit on one of the moving crates.
It’s funny, having your life reduced down to your possessions, not that I have much anyway. I’ve learned from experience, keeping my belongings light is always the way to go, and that’s only been proven now as they’re all being shipped across the country.
“Do you have to go?” Jarred asks from the corner of my soon-to-be former cabin, fighting with the packing tape as he tries to close the last box. “You know you’re always welcome to stay.”
I shake my head. “You know it’s not that easy.”
Camp Acceptance has become a point of pride for Jarred, rightfully so, but it’s no longer a place for a priest. I kept the camp’s new mission to myself for as long as I could, but when Bishop Ellis visited, the secret was out. The perfect Catholic camp he had assigned me to is now a camp that caters to multiple religions, and, in his words, my talent will be best suited somewhere different. It doesn’t matter that I’ve loved the last year of helping Jarred build something new and promising. Camp Acceptance stands for everything good in the world, but when a bishop sees a priest’s duties aren’t being met, he finds somewhere else for that priest to go.
You don’t want to leave.
I push the thought from my head. I refuse to argue with the church, not because I don’t believe there are inherent hypocrisies in it, but because it’s my way to be a man of the Word. The church turned me from a drunk directionless man to a righteous and holy vessel. The least I can do to repay them is to go where they need me.
Jarred sighs, finishing his battle with the packing tape and tossing it on the dresser. “We’re going to miss you here. Matteo, you…”
“I know,” I tell him when he can’t seem to finish his sentence. I was there for Jarred at a very dark time in his life, showed him he’s allowed to feel love, and helped reunite him with his partner. I can say I’ve never been happier for two people. The kind of love Noah and Jarred have is unique. Not everyone gets to experience that level of commitment and devotion and?—
“But I love you, Matteo.”
As it normally does, my heart quickens at the memory of the one I left behind. It’s been ten years since I said my goodbyes to Jacob, but he’s still a permanent fixture in my head. Not because I’m pining for him or yearning to be reunited, but because… Well, I don’t know. It’s grown more prominent in the last year, always sneaking up on me when I least expect it. It nearly drove me to the brink the first time I heard it, surprising me in such a visceral way, that I almost caved to my vices.
I think back to the bottle of vodka Jarred keeps in his kitchen. My mouth waters as I remember it, my pulse roaring at the idea of taking a swig. Up until last year, I had been ten years sober, but I broke when trying to comfort Jarred in his darkest time.
I shiver at the memory. I haven’t touched a drop since then, nor do I plan too ever again. It was a moment of weakness. It was just one little sip, something that was meant to allow me to say ‘fuck all’ to God and reason with Jarred. That’s it. I’m not a slave to my desire for another drink. I just… I was doing a good thing.
I’m knocked out of my thoughts when Noah walks in, sweating up a storm from the Carolina heat, and looking around the room. He chews on his lip ring, raising a brow at Jarred. “So, you’re just gonna sit on your ass and let me handle all of this?”
“The packing tape wouldn’t work,” Jarred argues lightly, gesturing at the box he was working on. “Damn thing keeps cutting me.”
Noah rolls his eyes, walking over to where Jarred previously was. He takes the packing tape, and in one elegant move, closes it over the box. He turns and gives Jarred a pointed look, to which his fiancé sighs.
“Alright,” Jarred says, standing up and walking to Noah. “Fine. You got me. Happy?”
There’s a brief fluttering of emotion in Noah’s eyes. They soften, his hand coming up to Jarred’s chest as he cocks his head to the side. “The happiest.”
I want to turn away from the sweet kiss they give each other, but I can’t. Once again, I’m overcome with… something when I watch them. It’s entirely captivating all the while making the darkest parts of my mind stir. After a minute, and when a fleeting kiss turns into a full make-out session, I cough.
Jarred flushes as he pulls away, but Noah wears a cocky smirk on his face. Between the two of them, he’s the one who doesn’t mind public displays to show how much he’s attracted to his fiancé. Noah grabs Jarred’s hand and juts his chin at me. “Where is it you’re going again?”
“Smallville, Wyoming,” I say, thinking briefly about the oh-so-detailed welcome packet Bishop Ellis gave me.
Noah wrinkles his nose. “What’s in Smallville, Wyoming?”
“Cows,” Jarred deadpans, chuckling under his breath. “Cows and bison. Can’t imagine they have a big congregation up there.”
I nod. “It’s a small city with an even smaller church. The town is growing though. Bishop Ellis says their parishioners are dedicated, and he’s hoping I can attract some new members.”
Noah scoffs. “If anyone can, it’s you. Not every day you see a GQ model for a priest walking around.”
I know I should blush for modesty's sake, but I take the compliment in stride. I’m not unaware of how I look. At thirty-five, I appear younger than I am. I’ve got a thick head of dark curls and what Noah once described as ‘fuck me’ eyes. I’m attractive, there’s no sense in denying it, but I’ve never been one to give in to vanity.
“Very funny,” I snort, standing up to stretch my sore legs. I move over to the corner of the room and pick up a box, look around, and frown. “Did you move my collection?”
“You mean did I put them in the garbage like I suggested?” Noah laughs. “No, not to worry. All your holy books are in the moving van.”
I roll my eyes. Sure, reading literature devoted to helping one find faith isn’t uncommon for a priest, but Noah says I need a hobby. I don’t know why. God is my hobby, and my life calling. Everything I do should be tailored to Him.
Or else…
“Matteo, don’t leave me.”
There’s that voice again. I have no idea why Jacob is popping up more and more these days. Maybe it’s just the stress of the move making me relive old memories, and the fear of the unknown rearing its ugly head. It’s annoying and inconvenient, especially because there’s another voice I’d rather be hearing.
Just as it’s been ten years since I’ve seen Jacob, it’s been ten years since God spoke to me. I thought maybe I had been blessed by His hand, a true believer lucky enough to be connected to Him, but I haven’t heard a peep. It’s frustrating, to say the least. All I can do is keep holding onto hope, doing my best to make Him proud, and maybe He’ll speak to me again.
Yeah, and it will only take another ten years to get there.
Maybe this move will help. I love Camp Acceptance, but perhaps it’s held me back from being able to experience God the way a normal priest should. Even through my hesitancy, I’m going to make the most of this new experience. Who knows? Being the resident—as Noah put it— GQ priest might inspire some excitement in the dwindling congregation.
The three of us hurry through getting the moving van packed up. It takes longer than expected and by the time everything’s settled, it’s late into the afternoon.
“Sure you can’t stay one more night?” Jarred asks, trying to inch me away from the van by my shoulders. “We can do one last bonfire in your honor. I’m sure the kids would love that.”
“While that sounds wonderful, I really need to be going to make it in time for my first Mass,” I say regretfully. I clap him on the shoulder but decide to bring him into a hug instead. “Keep living your truth, Jarred. God will always be with you.”
When I pull back, Jarred’s eyes are watery, and he tries his best to hold back his sniffles. I’ve known and lived with the man for ten years, so I can’t lie and say I’m not holding back my stinging eyes. His camp has been my first and only assignment in all my priesthood. Even though moving on is a natural part of life, it’s killing me to leave.
“Stay strong, padre,” Noah says, coming in for a side hug. “Let me know when we can visit you up in the land of cows and bison and shit.”
I ruffle the top of his shaggy head, pushing him away from me like you would an annoying younger brother. “Will do. Stay out of trouble, Noah. You always seem to go looking for it.”
He raises his hands in surrender with a not-so-innocent pout on his face. “Me? Trouble?”
“The very definition of it.” I glance down at my watch. “Really, I have to go.”
“We won’t hold you up any longer,” Jarred says, stepping back and dragging Noah with him. “Call us when you get there, okay?”
I tip my head at them. “Of course.”
I quickly climb into the van. Prolonged goodbyes aren’t my strong suit, and I doubt it’s theirs either. I start the car and pass through the camp for the last time, smiling at the kids milling around before dinner. I hit the winding mountain roads after that, a hint of nostalgia sneaking up on me as I realized this could be my very last time seeing them.
But once I’m on the highway, all the somber emotions fade away.
Because God is calling me to Smallville, Wyoming, and I must answer.