10. Matteo
TEN
MATTEO
He has a lot of freckles.
As Theo laughs at something I just said, his head tipped back with the sun shining on his face, it’s like I can count each and every one.
“You did not just say that” he says, placing his hand over his heart as he shakes his head. “You obviously haven’t almost been attacked by a gopher if you think they’re cuddly.”
“And you have been?” I challenge, raising a brow as another oh-so-dangerous gopher pops out of his hole.
He stares at me and raises his arm, pointing at his wrist. “Third grade.”
“What is that? A scratch?” I snark, opening my hand to him. “Let me be the judge of your battle wounds.”
He laughs and hands me his wrist. I guess I can sort of make out the thin little white scar right below his thumb, but I’m too preoccupied with just how many freckles paint his skin. I rub my thumb against the gopher scar before letting go of him. “My apologies, Theo. How heroic you are.”
“Oh, shut up,” he throws back, shoving his hands into his pockets. “Those cheeky bastards will get you.” He flushes, looking warily at me. “Shit, I didn’t mean to curse.”
I snort, shaking my head at him. “I won’t ask God to smite you for cursing.”
“I thought you weren’t supposed to curse in front of a priest?” he asks.
I raise a brow. “And who told you that?”
“I don’t know. Television?”
I guffaw at him. “Television, really? No, Theo, it’s okay to curse in front of me.”
“But you’ll never do it?” he questions, and I can hear the tease in his voice.
I slam my hand against my heart in mock offense. “And offend God?”
He must think I’m serious for a moment because he pales. When he sees I’m only messing with him, he narrows his eyes. “You think you have jokes?”
“Oh, I know I do.” We round the bend of the trail, and I fidget with my collar. “It’s hot.”
Theo nods with a hum. “That’ll only last another week or so now that fall’s starting. Are you ready for the weather?”
“I lived in North Carolina for ten years, so I’m no stranger to a little snow.” When he makes a face, I cock a brow at him. “What?”
“Sorry, Matteo, but a North Carolina winter is nothing like a Wyoming winter.” He slaps his hand against my back with a haughty laugh. “Hope you brought a parka and some snowshoes.”
I playfully step away from him, shoving his arm. “I think I can handle it.”
“North Carolina?” he asks, stepping closer to me when a gopher pops up next to him. “What kept you there for so long?”
“I was a priest for a Catholic camp there,” I tell him but when his face pales, I stop. “What?”
“A Catholic camp?” His jaw drops. “Like a…”
It takes me a second to piece together his train of thought but when I do, I gasp. “Oh, absolutely not. Camp Trinity was not one of those camps. Jarred created a very wonderful atmosphere for children to come and explore their faith during the summer. Think of a traditional summer camp but with Mass.”
He looks relieved and actually lets out a deep breath. “Okay. Good. Things were about to get really uncomfortable. What made you move out here then?”
“Jarred, the camp director, fell in love with a man,” I say, thinking fondly of him and Noah. “Once he came out, he decided that he wanted to convert it into an LGBTQIA+ friendly camp. Now Camp Acceptance is a multi-spiritual diverse place whose mission is to help everyone embrace and love who they are in a safe and fun environment.”
He looks at me hesitantly, biting at his bottom lip as if he’s afraid to ask me the next question. “And you’re okay with that?”
“The camp? I’ll admit, the name could use some creativity, but?—”
“No, the fact that he’s… gay.”
Gay is whispered like a secret, and I immediately stiffen. Please, Lord, tell me Theo isn’t a homophobe. “Why wouldn’t I be? Jarred is an excellent person and whether he loves a man, or a woman doesn’t change that.”
Once again, relief crosses his face. He smiles nervously. “Wow, things almost got dark twice. That’s really progressive, Matteo. I’m sure not many people in the church share your opinion.”
I nod because that’s something I’ve always struggled with. If we want to be technical, I technically shouldn’t be a priest if I believe homosexuality is okay, but things are changing. I think people are starting to realize that love is love. I’m not here to conform to the whims of an institution. The only person I answer to is God, and he hasn’t seemed to have a problem with my beliefs.
Well, He hasn’t spoken to me either, so how would I know?
I shake that petty thought from my head. “I understand. From my point of view as a priest, I don’t have the power to judge others. Even if I wanted to, I wouldn’t. I don’t believe homosexuality is a sin. It’s not a lifestyle choice. To me, God is unconditional love. He truly wants us to be happy.”
“I’m really happy to hear that,” Theo says, giving me a smile as warm as the sun beating down on us. “I’ll admit, I’m not very religious.”
“Then why come to church?” I ask, a bit taken aback. I immediately want to take back my words. To even suggest Theo stop attending Mass makes my skin prickle. “That didn’t come out right.”
He waves away my concern. “I mean, I believe in God, I guess? I really go just because of Clara and her parents.”
“But do you want to?”
He thinks about it for a moment before smirking. “Well, the church just got a lot more interesting. I wouldn’t want to stop now.”
I blush, taking his comment to heart a little too much. We reach the end of the trail, but Theo keeps walking, so I do too. “That makes the two of us.”
We take the path together in silence, but it’s not uncomfortable or stifling. No, it’s a comfortable sort of silence like the kind you’d have with someone you’ve known for a long time. There’s a sort of familiarity lingering between us I still can’t place my finger on. I glance down at my watch as we pass the old oak, and I hate the fact that we have so little time left.
I know it should be the drop-ins, the progress I’ve made in the community, Marcy, even, but none of those things are the highlight of my day.
Walking here with Theo, the sun shining down on us, his freckled face relaxed and at ease, that’s the highlight of my day.
“So, I was thinking?—”
“Well, that’s a dangerous thought.”
“Hey!” he complains, shoving my shoulder playfully. “I don’t think we’re close enough to joke like that yet.”
“ Yet ,” I say mischievously, rubbing my hands together. “A couple more walks, and I can truly show you the full extent of my humor.”
He snorts. “What humor?”
I shove him right back and, before either of us notice it, we’re in a tussle. It’s all lighthearted—little slaps to the back here, some light punches there—but when he trips over a large rock between us, he starts to fall. I reach for him before I even think twice. I extend my arms, and he falls straight into my chest, face cushioned by my shoulder.
“Shit, sorry,” he says quickly, placing both hands on my shoulders as he steadies himself. “Didn’t see that rock there.”
I know I should say something, but I can’t. The feeling of him being so close… fuck, I can count every single one of those dark freckles on his face.
I wonder what they taste like.
I let go of him quickly, coughing to cover up my obvious fixation with his beauty marks. I have no idea where that wayward thought came from, and it rattles me. I take a step back, rubbing the back of my neck. “So, you were thinking?”
He’s staring blankly at me, mouth slightly open, but he shakes his head, smiling and nervously fidgeting with his hands. “Well, I thought we could find you a hobby.”
“I told you; I have one. It’s?—”
“—God.”
“God.”
We laugh at our impeccable timing and Theo takes hold of my elbow. “Seriously, though. You have to be someone outside of the church, right? I know we talked about it a bit, but I’m all for helping you figure out what it is. Is there anything you’re interested in?”
I should push away this childish notion that I need something besides my profession to occupy my time. Being a priest is a full-time job, more so with every responsibility that’s placed on my shoulders. I’m here for the healthy, the needy, and the sick, and I don’t ever complain. That’d be frowned upon. I’ve been called to serve, and I should love every second of it.
I guess that sometimes it gets lonely and a bit boring, but I’ve never known anything different. I never had anything for myself or any time to just enjoy… being . It was always?—
“Matteo, please don’t leave me!”
The memories assault me. The way Jacob begged, the way I broke his heart, the way I chose God over him.
“He will always be with you, Matteo.”
I use those familiar whispered words as comfort, bringing myself back to the here and now. I must have flinched or done something because Theo’s looking at me with concern. “What just happened? If you really don’t want a hobby, I won’t push. I’m sorry if I crossed a line?—”
“You didn’t,” I interrupt, glancing at where he’s holding onto my elbow. I raise my hand gently, hesitantly, and wrap it around his bicep. “Video games.”
He blinks at me. “Video games?”
“I think I could enjoy video games,” I clarify, feeling a bit embarrassed, so much so that I feel my cheeks heat. “I never got to play them growing up, but all the other kids did. I know it’s stupid…”
“It’s not stupid at all,” he tells me sincerely, eyes understanding as he places his other hand over mine. “There are plenty of adults today who still play video games. Now, the question is whether you’re a first-person shooter or a role-player.”
My eyes widen. “I don’t know what those things mean.”
“We’ll have you there in no time, Matteo,” he laughs. “We’ll have to go to the Walmart in the next town over to get you an Xbox.”
“How about a PlayStation?”
He gasps. “Bite your tongue. We’re an Xbox family. Ugh, so much to learn.”
We stand there chuckling at my apparent lack of knowledge of all things gaming. It isn’t until our laughter dies down that I notice we’re still touching. We should break apart. I mean, what kind of people just… touch?
But I can’t pull away. The hand on my elbow, my hand wrapped around his bicep— it’s warmer than the Wyoming sun and chills me more than the light breeze that passes by us. Familiar feelings of fondness wash over me, but I shake them away.
This is what friendship feels like.
And I smile at that thought. I never had video games, and I never had true friends. So, of course, I’m clinging to it now that it’s in the palm of my hand.
“When can we go?” I ask, running my hand down his arm, feeling the hard muscle underneath. He nibbles on his bottom lip, drawing all my attention there, making it even pinker than it already is. He looks confused for a second then worry flashes through his eyes. “Is there a problem? Do you have plans with Clara?”
“No, no plans,” he rushes out, but he yanks his hands away and mine falls to my side. “Clara will be fine with it. It’s no problem.”
He says there’s no problem, but the way he’s saying it causes me to pause. “If you say so.”
He glances down at his watch and curses. “I’m late. I have to go, but I can pick you up around five and we can get you that Xbox?”
My chest is tight as I nod, gulping to hold back the words I can’t quite place but that want to spill anyway. “Sounds like a plan.”
He says his goodbyes and leaves quickly, leaving a trail of doubt in his wake. Not on his part, but entirely on mine. It’s nothing that’s going to prevent me from seeing him later today, but something is off. As with everything having to do with Theo, it’s a mystery to me.
I stew on it for the rest of the day, impatiently waiting for him to return, and I think for a second perhaps there’s a line between priest and friend I shouldn’t be crossing.
But when he shows up, windows rolled down, the setting sun framing his auburn hair as he smiles at me, the only answer is?—
I don’t give a fuck.