12. Matteo
TWELVE
MATTEO
Theo’s avoiding me.
I’m not trying to be clingy or psychotic. As a grown man, I can handle not being the center of someone’s attention. However, when it comes to Theo, it’s different.
He’s missed the last three of our walks. I’ve waited for him, kicking at the dirt and looking toward the path that leads from the front of the church. I’ve stared at my watch and stood out there for an hour each day just in case he appeared.
I try to pinpoint when he pulled away, but I know exactly when. I should never have undressed in front of him. It was rude and impolite of me. Theo is probably bashful and a bit embarrassed. I made him feel uncomfortable. None of that was my intention, and I hate to admit what was.
I wanted him to see me for no other reason besides vanity. It’s shameful to think that I wanted him to admire me—my chest, my legs, my ass—because it’s sinful. Ridiculous. I don’t know what possessed me to act like some teenager, and I regret it.
You wanted him to think of you that way.
No, that can’t be it, but that hug…
I don’t make it a habit to hug many people, only those in need of comfort, because there are lines that should be drawn. But Theo slashes and burns every single one of those lines for me. When he stepped into my arms, feelings I thought I had long buried resurfaced, dangerous feelings that could threaten everything I’ve spent the last ten years building.
So I won’t say them. I won’t even think of them.
Feeling a hard ? —
Because if you don’t think about it, it isn’t true.
I run a hand through my hair, slicking back the dark locks. I smooth my hands down my button-up shirt, fixing my collar before grabbing the flowers on my dresser. I’ve been invited to dinner at the Lodge’s tonight, Theo’s in-laws, and as one of the first invitations I’ve accepted from the congregation, I want it to go well.
I leave the church and start the short walk toward their house. I don’t have a car, but I’ve only had to walk as far as Main Street. I assume I’ll need to buy a car eventually or rely on the compassion of my neighbors to give me rides when it comes time to visit the parishioners in the country.
Theo could give you rides.
I stop in my tracks, nearly running into Mrs. Patty walking her schnauzer. I tip my head at her, apologizing, and moving quickly before Trixie can get at my ankle. The intrusive thought bothers me as I continue through the block. Theo might be my friend, but he’s not obligated to serve me.
He could serve you .
Now I almost walk right into a mailbox. All of me flushes, my chest tightens, and my throat suddenly struggles to swallow. This has to stop. Somehow, Theo ditching me has made my mind spin in all sorts of unruly directions. It has to be pettiness and curiosity that’s making me fixated because…
No. If you don’t think it, it’s not true.
It takes me five minutes to get to the Lodge’s. It’s a lovely blue house with white shutters, the picturesque small-town American home. I knock on the door twice, holding the flowers in front of me like an offering, but it’s not Noreen nor Bill who answers.
Theo’s eyes widen as he opens the door and takes me in. “You…” he starts, shaking his head at himself. “Um, what are you doing here?”
“Dinner,” is all I say, resisting the urge to tug at my collar. “You?”
He wrinkles his nose. “They’re my in-laws?”
Duh.
I feel like an idiot for not seeing this coming. I should have assumed this invitation would include Clara and her husband. Now that I know Theo is here, the pressure for this to go well seems to ramp up.
It’s been three days and having him in front of me sadly proves it’s been three days too long. He looks nice—dressed in simple jeans and a T-shirt—and I suddenly feel too fancy for my own good. His freckles are less prominent under the house lights, but they stand out against the way his pale skin reddens.
I’ve missed him.
Far too much.
That’s the truth I didn’t want to admit. Every day I’ve looked forward to seeing him and being in his company, grieving it when it was gone. This is the exact reason some lines shouldn't be crossed. How happy I feel right now—surprise aside—isn’t good.
It’s dangerous.
“You look nice,” he says awkwardly, scratching the back of his neck. “Noreen and Bill are casual. The flowers are a nice touch though.”
I know I should respond with something cordial and polite, something about the weather or another thing of insignificance, but I can’t. Things have never been superficial between the two of us. I want to know why he’s been ignoring me, and the urge to get my answer increases with every second he looks at me. “Theo. Can we talk?—”
“Father Matteo! You’re here!”
Clara comes from within the house wearing a white dress, looking warm and beautiful. A hit of something ugly and unwelcome settles in my gut when she wraps her arms around Theo’s waist, clinging to him as she greets me. “My parents are going to be so happy you’re here,” she says, shaking her head playfully as she looks up at Theo. “You didn’t let him in, honey?”
“Was just about to,” Theo mumbles, eyes downcast to the floor as he steps to the side. “Come in, Father.”
I don’t like the way Father sounds on his tongue. It’s too sterile, clinical even, and it makes me wish I had taken advantage of all the times he called me by my name. I want it to be the two of us out on the trail, him saying my name again and again as I?—
For fuck’s sake. What’s happening to me?
“Are those for Mom?” Clara asks, pointing at the flowers.
I nod weakly, holding them out to her. “Yes. I hope she likes them.”
“Oh, she’ll love them!” she beams. She hooks her arm around mine, leading me further into the house. “You came right on time. We’ve just set the table.”
“Ah, Father Matteo,” Bill says when we enter the dining room. He walks up to me as Clara takes her seat and claps me on the shoulder. “Thank you so much for joining us tonight.”
“The pleasure is all mine,” I tell him, but it comes out almost mumbled. I need to get myself together. Whatever’s happening to me is happening at the wrong fucking time. I can dive into my confusing reactions later when I’m alone. For now, I have to make a good impression. I steel myself and turn toward Noreen just as she walks in from the kitchen. “This all looks lovely. I greatly appreciate the invite.”
“We’re huggers in this family,” Noreen laughs, coming up and wrapping her arms around me. “Welcome, welcome. Sit. You get Bill’s place at the table tonight.”
“Kicking me out of my own chair,” Bill jokes, showing me to the head of the table. “Only for you, Father.”
I take my seat, dipping my head at them kindly as I do. When everyone is gathered, I lift my hands. “Shall we say Grace?”
Noreen nods enthusiastically, already snatching Clara and Bill’s hands. Theo gives me a look before placing his hand in mine and something in me settles at the contact. I breathe out deeply, bowing my head. “Bless us, O Lord, for these Thy gifts, which we are about to receive from Thy bounty, through Christ our Lord. Amen.”
“Amen,” is echoed all around me, and I don’t miss the way Theo rips his hand away quicker than one would.
“So, Father,” Bill starts as he hands me a plate of potatoes. “Are you interested in sports?”
“Not really,” I say truthfully as I scoop some onto my plate. “Although, I have started to watch soccer recently.”
Only because Theo told you he used to play.
“Soccer!” Noreen all but yells. “Did you know Theo played in high school? He was a striker!”
I furrow my brows at that. No, I specifically recall Theo telling me he was a defender. Strong, sturdy, and reliable. I know because he told me all about how he was the last line of defense and the pressure put on him to save a goal. “I thought?—”
“He doesn’t want to hear about that,” Theo interjects, shooting me a worried glance. “It’s boring.”
“It’s not,” Clara says, placing her hand atop his. “You should be proud of your achievements, honey. You were the MVP your senior year.”
Theo shrugs. “The pickings were slim.”
Clara shakes her head. “Nonsense. They would have been idiots not to pick you.”
“Sounds like an achievement,” I say, deciding I like Clara. Not only is she beautiful and kind, she’s supportive. Theo needs someone to encourage him and make him see himself as more than just an average thirty-year-old man. “Clara, when did you two meet?”
I ask because in all our conversations, I don’t think Theo has ever brought it up. Clara lights up at the question as she hands me the steaks. “We met in high school. Typical sweethearts.”
“We’ve been together for ten years, married for the last five,” Theo adds, taking a forkful of broccoli.
“Five years and still no baby,” Noreen teases, wagging her finger at the couple. “You two ought to start soon. Grandma isn’t getting any younger.”
“Mom,” Clara snaps lightly, a little fire behind her eyes. “You know Theo and I decided to wait.”
Noreen shakes her head. “What are you two waiting for? Father, don’t you think they should bring life into the world? Isn’t that a part of marriage?”
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Theo shift in his seat. He looks uncomfortable, his leg bouncing up and down erratically as he chokes on his broccoli. Because I can’t stand seeing it, and for some unknown reflex I didn’t know I possessed, I place my hand on his knee. Immediately, Theo stiffens but relaxes a second later. He glances up at me through his lashes, almost hesitant as he waits for my answer to Noreen’s question. “I think that every couple moves at their own pace. While God adores all the wonders that children bring, it’s in due time.”
Theo looks at me with almost gratitude just as Bill laughs. “See, Noreen? Even the Father agrees. Don’t rush the kids, sweetheart.”
“Alright, alright,” Noreen mumbles with a roll of her eyes. “I’ll just die before I can see a baby in that onesie I sewed.”
“Mom!” Clara yells, although it’s through a laugh. “You’re so dramatic.”
I chuckle along with the rest of the table as I take my hand back. I’m happy I accepted the invitation tonight. Even though I was a bit caught off-guard earlier, the Lodges are nice people. They’re warm and funny and like a true family. A thing I never had, but when I look at Theo, I grow confused.
Why doesn’t he look like he’s part of a warm, funny, true family?
His head is dipped down as he eats, his ears are bright red. His leg has resumed its incessant bouncing, appearing as if he wants to be anywhere else but here.
“Theo,” Bill starts. “How’s work?”
“Same old, same old,” Theo responds, pushing around his steak with his fork. “Jerry’s bringing donuts tomorrow.”
It seems like a practiced response—monotone and boring—and it’s not like the Theo I know at all. Sure, he can be bashful, but he’s playful too. “Donuts are nice.”
“If only he’d stop making you work through lunch,” Noreen comments as she clicks her tongue. “Jerry was never this tough when he was in high school. I should get on him about it.”
I stop with my fork halfway to my mouth. What does she mean by working through lunch? Theo’s spent the past few weeks walking with me during that free hour of his day. I look at him in question, but he’s too busy shaking his head wildly at Noreen.
Theo’s eyes widen. “No!” When we all turn to look at him, he stammers his way through his next words. “I mean, no, please. I wouldn’t want to make him upset. I’m sure it’ll get less busy.”
He’s lying.
I…I don’t know how to feel about that. Suddenly, the food I’ve been eating goes from delicious to toxic in my stomach. It churns unpleasantly as I think of Theo in a way I never have before. I have no idea what I want to do or say. There’s no way I will insert myself and let everyone know he’s been spending that time with me, but a lie of omission is just as bad as a lie, right? But it’s also not my place to say anything. As a priest, I’m a safe haven of information. If Theo wanted to keep our meetings private, I understand.
But why does it hurt so much?
I dab the corner of my lip with my napkin, awkwardly standing because I need to get away for a second. “May I use the restroom?”
“Theo will show you,” Clara says, gesturing at her husband. “He can use the upstairs one while the downstairs bathroom is being remodeled, honey.”
Theo gulps but does what his wife tells him. “Um, follow me,” he mutters, ushering me out of the dining room.
I keep my mouth shut the entire way up the stairs, trailing behind him like a lost puppy, but that’s how I feel. Like I’ve been used and kicked aside, tossed up like someone’s forgotten commitment.
“It’s right here,” he says, pointing at the door in front of us. “Do you want me to wait or?—”
“Why did they say you’re working through lunch?” I ask quickly, maybe a little too much venom in my voice. “Both you and I know that’s bullshit.”
His eyes widen at my language. “I thought you said you wouldn’t curse.”
“Well, this just brought it out of me, I suppose.” I run a frustrated hand through my hair, pacing in front of him. “I’m confused. What have you been doing after you leave me?”
He shakes his head. “Nothing.”
“Then why lie?”
“I…” He trails off, nibbling at his bottom lip. Those big blue eyes stare up at me pleadingly, almost frightened. “You’re mad?”
Am I? Of-fucking-course. Do I have a right to be as much as I am? Well, I’m not too sure.
“I don’t like being used as a tool to lie to people,” I tell him. “I thought we were friends.”
“We are!” he rushes out, flinching when he realizes he was a bit too loud. “Matteo, we are friends.”
“Then why call me Father when I walked in? Why lie about taking walks with me? What’s the point?”
“Because you’re mine!”
I rear my head back, almost as if slapped by his words. My mouth opens and closes, trying to come up with a response to that. “I—What?”
Despite my shock, my mind likes that word a little too much. It’s giving me all sorts of ideas that I shouldn’t have. It’s making me think of another context he could whisper that in my ear.
“Look at you. Looks like that perfect ass is ready to be all mine.”
No, that needs to stop. I can’t think of it. If I think about it, that means it’s true, and it’s not. I promise, Lord, it’s not.
Theo digs his fingers into his hair, dropping his head as he lets out a heavy breath. “You are mine, okay. My thing. The only thing in my life I’ve ever had for myself. I’ve never had a friend before you and I just…”
“Wanted it to be all yours,” I say, understanding dawning on me, slightly lessening my anger, clearing through the fog that came over me. “Like a kid with a toy.”
He snaps his head up. “A joke? Now?”
“I’m not joking,” I tell him honestly. “Theo, I get it.”
Because I do. Because besides my priesthood, I don’t have anything I can call my own. Everything in my life is devoted to God, but Theo has barged in and made me realize that I’m a person too. My walks with him, the silly Xbox we bought together, the way he treats me as more than a priest— It’s something I’ve obviously come to treasure.
“You don’t think that’s bad?” he asks, fingers twitching at his sides. “Lying to my family? My wife?”
“I…” But it is, isn’t it? Regardless of how we both feel, lying implies that there’s something wrong with what we’re doing. There’s nothing nefarious about Theo having friends, or that his friend is me. I should tell him to come clean or just mention that we’ve become close, but that’s not what I say. “It can be our secret.”
His eyes light up at my words and he takes a step closer. “Yeah?”
“Yeah,” I whisper back, smiling at him, loving how his freckled face transforms into happiness just at my words alone. “It’s just between the two of us.”
“Okay, good,” he says, blushing a bit. “Um, we should probably head back downstairs.”
“Lead the way,” I say, but before we can make it to the stairs, Theo steps into my arms.
“Thank you,” he mumbles against my shoulder. “For being my friend.”
My heart warms at the term. I know hugging shouldn’t be something we’re doing as a priest and a parishioner but friends hug, right? Slowly, I lift my arms and encircle his waist, pulling him closer. “I should be the one thanking you.”
“I didn’t do anything,” he says bashfully, pulling away to look up at me. Those blue eyes are as clear as the sky, little pools of glittering lights. The freckles that dot his face create a constellation of secrets only I know and am now a part of. His soft sweet smile tugs at my gut.
Then it happens.
It hits me like a freight train.
It takes my breath away and I can’t ignore it any longer.
It’s the one thing I thought I’d never feel again, the one thing that can bring a man like me down to his knees, the one thing I can’t have.
Attraction.
I clear my throat, stepping away from him quickly, hoping like hell he didn’t just notice what happened. I can’t think of this right now. Not when we’re alone in the dark, just a flight of stairs away from his happy family and his lovely wife.
I turn and walk away first, going back to the living room, and Theo makes up a lie about showing me Bill’s new sound system in the man cave.
But the lie we’ve built doesn’t taste as sweet as it did before I realized I’m entirely consumed by a married man.