15. Matteo
FIFTEEN
MATTEO
I’m out of the church before I know it.
I was halfway to sleep when Theo texted me, just on the brink of oblivion, but I somehow managed to hear the buzz of my phone on the nightstand beside me. It’s midnight, and it’s far too late for him to be up since he once told me he was an earlier sleeper. I don’t know why his text seemed so urgent to me, but I could sense it through those three little words.
I didn’t hesitate.
Me: Yes.
So now I’m out by the back of the church, trying to see through the dark, waiting for Theo. It’s almost comical how fast I got here. I barely had a chance to put on a shirt and shoes. I didn’t even bring a coat. I’m freezing, but I can’t find it in me to go back in on the off-chance Theo changes his mind.
When I see him round the corner of the church, I don’t wait. I meet him halfway, arms already open for him as he crashes into my chest. He’s not crying but there’s a light tremble in his body that I try to soothe with my hand on the back of his head and the other on his back.
“Theo,” I whisper in his ear, smoothing back his hair. “What happened?”
Something must have. Rage builds within me. That sadness I saw in him is back, that deep sense of giving up screaming through the night. I hate it. I absolutely hate it. It should be just smiles, laughs, and joy that light us up, not lingering melancholy that drags us deeper into the dark.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” he mumbles, squeezing me tighter, almost as if he’s afraid I’ll let him go. “Matteo, I don’t want to think about it.”
“You don’t have to anymore.” I rest my chin on the top of his head, trying to ease him. “I’m here, precioso .”
He pulls back, sniffling, but there aren’t any tears. His blue eyes glimmer, the stars reflected in them as he lets out a deep breath. “Can we walk?”
I nod. We can do anything he wants. I take a step back, but he follows me, body hovering close to my side as we start to walk. I let him sit in his silence, humming an old song under my breath as we walk the first lap. By the third lap, he still hasn’t said anything, but I don’t want to push him. I’ll be here for him however he needs me because that’s what friends do.
Just friends?
Yes. Just. Friends.
I have to push my lust for him aside right now. It’s not what he needs from me, and he’s the one who breaks the silence a moment later.
“Clara and I fought.”
I suck in a sharp breath, keeping my face as neutral as possible. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s just…” He shakes his head. “It’s not a big deal. We’re just going through a little rough patch.”
“That’s normal in marriages,” I say truthfully. “It’s bound to happen at some point. The important thing is that you work to get through it.”
I hate that those words taste so bitter coming out of my mouth but what I feel for Theo doesn’t overshadow the promise he and Clara made to God. It can’t. My feelings are passing, but his marriage is forever. It’s sacred and as a priest, I should honor that.
But the man in me hates it.
“Is not having sex in over a year normal too?”
A sick, twisted, hot sense of pleasure courses through me before I can stop it. The fact that Theo’s remained untouched for over a year is too pleasing to me. I almost feel relieved as well. Why? I don’t fucking know.
I’ve stayed silent for too long. Theo’s looking at me expectantly, an almost disappointed glint in his eyes, and I quickly clear my throat. “That’s…”
“Weird, right?” he asks, running a frustrated hand through his hair. “Clara is beautiful. She’s my wife. We used to have a very active sex life but lately…”
“Lately?” I press, far too interested in what he was going to say. I’m also far too interested in picturing Theo naked. The vision of who he’s fucking is blurred, leaving just him thrusting, panting, moaning. “You can tell me anything.”
“As my friend or as my priest?”
“Which one do you want me to be right now?”
He stops and I stop along with him. He’s standing too close to me, so close I can see all his freckles. Freckles I want to lick until the taste of them is seared on my tongue.
“I want you to be…” He trails off, cocking his head to the side. “I don’t know. I need your help, Matteo.”
I swallow harshly. There’s so much help I could give him. If he’s missing sex, if he hasn’t felt that hot heat of coming, I could get him there. I could fall to my knees now, take out his cock, and make sure that sweet cum ran down my throat
“Sex is?—”
“Have you ever had sex?” he interrupts, stepping just a bit closer.
Although the question catches me off guard, I won’t lie to him. “Yes.”
“When was the last time?” he asks.
“Ten years ago.”
“Do you ever miss it?”
Fuck, I do now.
“I…” I shouldn’t do this. I shouldn’t say it. I need to bite my tongue and say I don’t. The Lord is my everything. I’ve given my body to him in exchange for clarity and the opportunity to serve. But that’s not what I do. “I miss feeling full.”
His brows rise. “Full?”
“I miss having a hard cock up my ass,” I clarify. His little gasp of shock doesn’t stop me. If anything, the scandalized look on his face ushers me forward. “I miss the feeling of someone pounding into me, making my toes curl, making me scream.”
“The last time you had sex was with a man?” he questions, eyes wide with intrigue. “You…”
“Love getting fucked,” I rasp, almost coming out like a growl. “Love the feeling of something inside me.”
He sways closer, lashes fluttering as he looks up at me. “Matteo.”
“You should only have sex if you want it,” I say through gritted teeth, trying my hardest to give sound advice. “That’s my point. It should make you fucking crazy how much you want someone. Whether it’s slow and sweet, or rough and dirty, you shouldn’t be able to control yourself.”
“Matteo.” My name comes out as a breathy whisper. He’s leaning forward as he moves closer. His breath fans against my lips. My hands shoot forward to grab his hips. “After ten years without sex, how would you fuck?”
Too fucking tempting.
“Dirty,” I groan, pulling him close. “I’d want someone to bend me over, yank my pants down, and fuck me until I couldn’t walk. I’d want someone to own my ass. Turn it cherry red with their hand.”
I want you to fuck me until the only thing I worship is you.
“Would you want them to pull your hair?” he questions, shuddering as he lifts a hand and runs his fingers through my curls. “What would you want them to call you?”
“I’d be their slut, Theo.” My eyes fall shut when he gently tugs at my roots. “I’d show them how desperate I am for their cock. Fucking bounce on it until they filled me with their cum.”
“W-Would you fuck them?” he questions, nose brushing against mine, hot air dancing between us.
I don’t normally enjoy topping, but I’d try it again for Theo. Is that what he’s asking? Would I fuck him?
Would I lay him on his back and shove his legs in the air? Stuff him full of my fingers until he was red in the face and whining for me to have mercy on him? Would one solid thrust connect us, bringing us as close as two humans could possibly be?
My hands travel upward, settling on his waist. “If they wanted it. If they begged me.”
“But you can’t do that anymore,” he starts, and shit he’s getting even closer. “Because you’re a priest.”
A shot of awareness crashes into me. My eyes widen as I realize what we’re about to do. His hands in my hair, my hands on his waist, and no space between us. We’re about two seconds from kissing, and I don’t know how we ended up here.
That’s a lie, I do. It was me and my weak will. My desire overcoming my common sense and reason. The night hides all sins, but Theo’s just shined a giant spotlight on us that God can see.
What am I doing? Theo’s a married man for fuck’s sake. Nothing like this can happen between us. Not only that, but I made God a promise and took a solemn vow. I pledged myself to Him. I’ve dedicated my life to serving and here I am, tempted to give in, just because my cock has decided that after ten long years, it’s finally ready to get wet.
It’s more than that.
No. We’re just friends. This is just… it’s late, it’s dark, Theo’s rattled, and all of what’s happening is…
I clear my throat, letting him go and taking a step back. “I apologize for my language. I didn’t mean to be so crude.”
He blinks at me repeatedly, mouth slightly open and panting. “I—Um—You weren’t crude. I was the one that asked.”
“But I shouldn’t have answered,” I argue lightly, not waiting for him as I start my walk back to the church. “It was inappropriate.”
“I mean, not really?” He catches up to me, a hand on my elbow to halt my retreat. “You were just helping me. There’s nothing off limits with friends.”
But there has to be a limit. There must be a line I draw eventually. If it’s not between priest and friend, it’s between friends and whatever the fuck we were about to do. “This is, Theo. My previous sex life is my business. As your priest, I can recommend that you and Clara try again.”
“I’ve tried,” he snorts. “Tried tonight, in fact.”
I clench my fists at my side, yanking myself out of his hold. My blood boils at the thought. Just how far did he get with her? Did they kiss the way we were about to? Did he run his hands down her body and whisper dirty words in her ear? Did they?—
Fuck!
No. I need to stop this. Theo and his wife should have sex. Not all couples require sex to be in a happy and committed relationship, but from what it sounds like, Theo and Clara do.
“I think you should go home,” I say shortly because I don’t know how much more of this I can take. Thinking of Theo fucking me, thinking of Theo fucking Clara, thinking of God. It’s all too much. The itch is back, the craving to make these feelings go away. “Marcy has a big day planned for me tomorrow.”
When I look back at him, the disappointment in his face is clear. He looks at me like he doesn’t recognize me, and I don’t blame him. I’ve never used this harsh tone with him, but it’s necessary. What Theo and I need is distance. We need space. Yes, that’s what it is. I’ve latched myself to this man for comfort, and my body seems to think this is something it’s not.
I leave him behind, wanting to hear what he has to say, but not wanting him to break my will any further. I don’t head back to the rectory, however, but straight to the pews. I fall on my knees, my head braced on the wood, and close my eyes.
“But I love you, Matteo.”
“Don’t you love me too?”
I squeeze my eyes shut tighter, trying to block out the noise, and search for the only comfort I can find.
With Him.