18. Theo
EIGHTEEN
THEO
I can’t believe what I’ve done.
As I stand in the shower, my head hung down as water splashes across my back, I can’t comprehend it.
I cheated on my wife five days ago and I hate myself for it.
No, what I hate even more as I stand here trying to clean myself of the memories, is that I’m hard.
I’m aching, pulsing in my hand, tears streaming down my face as I jack myself off to the whisper of Matteo calling me his precioso.
I’m the one who initiated it. I’m the one who stripped him. I think I kissed him first, or he kissed me, but either way, it ended with my underwear full of cum and his release on my skin.
I can still taste him. Every inch I licked and sucked and worshiped. His hard body against mine, it sent me to a different dimension. The way his dirty words spurred me on caused me to feel something I haven’t in years.
Hot, sticky, greedy desire.
I brace one hand against the bathroom wall, tugging on my cock with a desperate need that curls my toes and makes the hair on the back of my neck stand on end.
His kiss. His touch. His cum.
I explode against the tile, sobs wracking through me, hatred deep inside my soul.
I know what I did was wrong. I know I broke Clara’s trust. I know this makes me the worst person in the world.
But God what I wouldn’t give to do it again.
I shut off the shower, wiping away the evidence of yet another betrayal, and get out. I snag a towel from the counter and dry myself off with a little too much force, turning my skin a blistering red. It’s a punishment I deserve. No, it’s the least I deserve.
I walk out of the bathroom to see Clara sitting on the bed waiting for me. I take a second to admire her because she really is the most gorgeous woman on the planet, inside and out. She’s kind, smart, and resourceful. She likes adventure—even if we’ve never been on any—and genuinely wants to see the good in people.
So why don’t I want her the way I used to?
Once again, I think of leaving but quickly rid myself of that thought. I can’t. She’s done so much for me; Noreen and Bill have done so much for me. They’ve given me everything and been there when I needed them. I can’t repay that by breaking their daughter’s heart.
I’d be all alone.
It’s just not going to happen again. It’s going to be a secret. Nobody needs to know what I did.
I just wish I could regret it.
Clara looks up at me, a small smile on her face as I approach her. She reaches her hand out and I take it kissing her palm before placing it on my chest, but the touch stings.
“We need to talk,” she says, pulling her hand back so she can pat the spot beside her. “Sit, please.”
I nod, numb to everything, feeling completely useless. The least I can do is follow her instructions. “Okay.”
“This isn’t working,” she begins, and my heart clenches. I open my mouth to say something—not too sure what—but she cuts me off with her hand. “Please, just let me get this out.”
“Okay,” I repeat because apparently, that’s the only word I can come up with when I should be saying so much more.
I love you. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.
But two of those things would be a lie.
“We need help, Theo.” She grabs both of my hands, bringing them onto her lap. “I think we need professional help.”
I blanch at her. Professional help ? What does that even mean?
“I… I don’t know about that,” I tell her truthfully. The idea of spilling all our problems to someone seems terrifying. I don’t think I’d be comfortable with someone knowing all my deepest thoughts or all the intimate details of our marriage.
Or maybe you’re just afraid you’ll get caught?
“Theo.” She gets my attention back by placing her hands on my cheeks. “Whatever we’re going through, I know we can get past it. I just need you to try. Can you do that? Can you try for me? For all we’ve been through?”
“Just like that, Theo. Take what you want.”
I bite the inside of my cheek so hard I draw blood.
No. It’s not going to happen again. Just one sin. One moment where I caved. It meant nothing.
“Precioso…”
Nothing.
I take a deep breath because I know what I need to do. For Clara, for Noreen, for Bill, for my marriage, and for myself.
“Yes.”
I can’t believe I agreed to this.
As Clara and I leave the house for our first appointment, I’m terrified. I’m physically shaking as I get into the car, letting her drive since she knows where we’re going. I try to think of what the counselor might ask us. Is it going to be one of those situations where we talk and they listen? If that’s the case, what am I supposed to say? Or will it be a bunch of questions I don’t want and can’t answer because it would mean jeopardizing the only thing I’ve ever known?
Clara must sense my nerves because she places her small hand on my thigh, giving me a gentle squeeze and an even gentler smile. “It’s going to be okay, Theo. I promise.”
I hope to God it is. I hope this is what we need to fix everything. I hope this will end the disastrous turn of events and I can love my wife the way I used to.
I hope I’ll stop thinking about Matteo. I hope I’ll stop touching myself in the dark to his memory. I hope I’ll stop craving to be in his arms again.
We head off and I’m barely paying attention to where we’re going, trying to settle myself with Clara’s touch. When we turn onto Main Street, I figure she must have found a counselor somewhere in this small town, but my stomach quickly sours when I see where she’s taken us.
“What—” I clear my throat “What are we doing here?”
She doesn’t answer me as she puts the car in park. “Father Matteo has agreed to do marriage counseling for us.”
No.
What the fuck?
Absolutely not.
“Clara, this isn’t a good idea?—”
“You said you’d try,” she snaps. She closes her eyes and lets out a deep breath, realizing her tone. When she opens her eyes again, they’re filled with understanding and a love that makes my insides feel like they’re rotting. “Please don’t change your mind now. I know you’re uncomfortable, but this will be good for us. I thought you liked Father Matteo?”
“You got all wet for me, precioso? Couldn’t hold it in?”
“Can’t we see a real counselor?” I beg, shaking my head as she gets out of the car, and I follow. “Clara, please?—”
She spins on her heels, crossing her arms over her chest as she raises her chin in the air. “Fine. One good reason, Theo. Give me one good reason and we’ll go home.”
But I have no good reason. I can’t very well say Matteo and I fucked, that I’ve jacked off in tears to him every night since it happened, and I can picture it all happening again.
I chew on the inside of my cheek, knowing that I need to be strong, knowing that this is what Clara needs from me. Matteo said it was our secret that nobody needs to know, and maybe he really is the only one who can help get us through this.
Through straight to Hell.
No. It’s too hard. How am I supposed to look him in the face when I still can’t get what happened between us out of my head? How am I supposed to confess all my secrets to him?
What if he grows to hate me the way I hate myself?
Just this once. We’ll go this one time and that’ll be that. I’ll find a way to convince Clara to go to someone else. I have to.
“Okay,” I agree, nodding. “Let’s go.”
She smiles happily, but it doesn’t quite reach her eyes. Either way, she takes my hand and guides me into the church. There’s nobody in sight, so we wait for a beat as we try to figure out what to do, awkwardly standing there waiting for direction.
“I see you’ve made it. Please, come into my office. We can?—”
Time stops.
When Clara and I turn around to face Matteo, I see it written all over his face. However this transpired, he didn’t realize we were the couple he’d be counseling. He couldn’t have because then why would he look like he’s ready to be swallowed whole by the universe?
His eyes are wide with shock, his mouth slightly agape, and I see the tremble of his fingers before he clears his throat. Somehow, he finds it in himself to school his expression and something pleasant takes over.
But I’ve stared at him for far too long to not know it’s not genuine.
“Clara, Theo,” he greets, waving a hand at us. “Please, come into the office so we can begin.”
It’s with heavy feet that I follow along, knowing in my heart and soul that the worst is yet to come.