21. Matteo
TWENTY-ONE
MATTEO
It’s good to be back.
The air is different here; it’s a tad bit humid but not as frigid as the Wyoming winter air. The first snowfall hasn’t hit, but you can smell it creeping in, ready to come any day now.
As I stand at the entrance of Camp Acceptance, I’m hit with the biggest feeling of nostalgia. I spent ten long years here, and every year was better than the last. This is where I grew as a servant of the Lord, the place that shaped me into the man I am today. Being back is like a breath of fresh air when I need it the most.
I take my bags as well as Marcy’s, chuckling behind her as she hurries ahead of me.
“Father!” she shouts, looking around as we pass the entrance. “This place is stunnin’.”
“I’m happy you’re happy,” I tell her. I jut my chin toward the office just a few feet away. “Let’s go see Jarred and get the keys to the cabins.”
She nods and opens the door to the office for me. Immediately, I’m nearly knocked over, all our bags flying out of my hands as Noah throws himself at me.
“Padre!” he yells, ruffling my curls before stepping back. “Still looking good, I see.”
“Little shit,” I mutter affectionately, punching his shoulder. “Where’s Jarred?”
Noah doesn’t look any different than the last time I saw him. He’s still covered in piercings, wearing a beanie to cover his shaggy black hair, but I spot a little dove tattoo on the base of his neck that wasn’t there before. He wags his brows at me, a devious grin on his lips. “He’s going to need a minute.”
I roll my eyes. Spending a full year living with these two, I know that they fuck like rabbits. One way or another, they’re always going at it, and I’ve caught them fooling around in the vans one too many times. “Tell him to hurry, please. Marcy and I would like to get settled and the rest of the congregation will be here soon.”
“Always the buzzkill,” he mumbles, but it’s with an upward quirk of his lip. “Let me see if he’s presentable yet.”
“Baby, who are you— Matteo!” Jarred’s face is piping red when he sees me. He curses under his breath as he fumbles to pull up his zipper, mortified eyes staring at me when he looks back up. “We were just…”
“Havin’ a little afternoon delight, I see,” Marcy says, looking Noah up and down before turning to Jarred. “A bit young, isn’t he?”
Noah narrows her eyes at her, obviously hitting a touchy subject. I know Jarred is a little insecure at being over two decades older than his fiancé, and Noah has always been incredibly protective of his feelings. “And? You have a problem with that?”
Marcy huffs at his tone and shakes her head. “Problem? Sugar, I’m jealous. Need to find me a young one too.”
Noah stares at her for a beat before he grins, up-nodding. “Marcy?”
“You must be Noah,” she says, taking his hand. “Now, you’re comin’ to my cabin tonight and tellin’ me the whole story. Bet it’s juicy.”
“The juiciest,” he agrees, winking at her. “You get all the salacious details.”
“Noah, please don’t corrupt my secretary.”
“Hush,” Marcy snaps, slapping my arm. “Let a woman have her fun.”
Jarred laughs, reaching behind the counter and producing a set of keys. “Baby, can you take Marcy to her cabin, please?”
“Sure thing.” He leans over the counter to kiss Jarred before turning back to Marcy. “Let me grab your bags.”
“And a gentleman,” she praises, slapping a hand over her heart. “Ugh, now, don’t go makin’ me fall in love with you.”
They leave the office with a laugh, and I don’t waste any time meeting Jarred halfway for a hug. “Good to see you, friend.”
“You look great,” he says, smiling when he pulls back. “How was the flight?”
“Good,” I tell him, taking the keys when he hands them to me. “My old cabin?”
“It hasn’t changed a bit.” He grabs one of my bags and follows me out of the office. “I kept it exactly how you left it. Well, minus all your things.”
“The place looks amazing, Jarred,” I say appreciatively. He and Noah must have spent hours decorating the camp. On top of all the rainbow flags hanging from every building, string lights connecting them all. Everything is Christmas colored with garlands and ornaments dangling from trees and light poles. “Are you having any other events this season?”
He nods. “We’re having a group of at-risk youth come for the week of Christmas. You know, giving a home to those that don’t have one during the holidays.”
“It’s exactly as you pictured it would be. I’m really proud of you, Jarred,” I say when we reach the cabin, and I step aside so he can unlock the door and let us in.
He flushes, neck turning a hot red, and shakes his head. “Noah helped a lot.”
“But you did too.” I drop my bag and place a hand on his shoulder. “Don’t undervalue your contribution and the light you’ve brought to the world.”
He smiles as he brings me in for another hug. “God, I’ve missed you. How’s everything in Wyoming? As boring as Noah said it would be?”
I stiffen in his arms, and I hope he doesn’t notice. I used to be able to tell Jarred anything, not that there was much to tell, but I felt comfortable around him. He once came to me when he was battling with his sexuality, trusting me with an utmost secret, vulnerable and terrified of what I might say. Now, here I am, in roughly the same position, but I can’t find it in me to say anything other than a lie.
“Just a bunch of cows,” I laugh, waving the topic away. “Just small-town stuff.”
There must be something in my voice because he quirks a brow. “That’s it?”
“Yeah,” I say in the most nonchalant voice I can manage. “So, everyone should be trickling in tonight. Do you need any help getting everyone set up?”
He waits for a beat, staring at me before shaking his head. “Noah and I got it. You’ve had a long flight and should rest. Since it’s late, we already had dinner, but I could always ask the cook to make you something.”
“No need. Marcy and I ate in the airport.”
“You sure everything is okay?” he presses, cocking his head to the side. “You seem tense.”
“Just tired,” I lie. “I think I might take a nap.”
He doesn’t look like he believes me, but he takes mercy on me by not saying anything else. He just nods and heads out the door, leaving me alone in the place I used to call home. I wasn’t lying when I said I was tired, and my bed does look entirely too comfortable. I decide a quick nap won’t ruin anything. If I wake up in an hour, I should be able to greet the first of my congregation.
I strip out of my airplane clothes and change into sweats, laying on top of the comforter, and close my eyes.
Shit.
As I peel my eyes open, I’m greeted by the harsh light of the sun shining through the window. I glance at the clock and see that it’s already nine in the morning, far later than I would have liked to have gotten up.
I bolt out of bed, hastily throwing on yesterday’s clothes as I race out of the cabin. I go straight to the mess hall and see that every member of the congregation who was able to come is here. I spot Jarred from across the room, and he smiles as he approaches me.
“I’m sorry,” I say, scratching the back of my neck. “I didn’t realize how tired I was.”
Jarred shakes his head. “No worries. Noah and I took care of it. Everyone’s settled and having breakfast and so should you.”
It’s at that exact moment that my stomach grumbles and I chuckle as we both walk to the food line. I say hello to everybody as I pass, pleased that at least a dozen of them are here. I’m about to step into the line, grabbing a tray, when someone accidentally knocks into me.
“Oh, shoot. Sorry, I— Father.”
I turn to see Theo, his eyes lit with hesitancy as he shifts on both feet, fingers fiddling with the tray in his hands. He looks insecure, vulnerable, almost afraid of how I might react to his presence.
“Theo,” I say, trying to ignore the sparks from where he brushed up against me. “It’s okay.” I look around, searching. “How was your trip? Did you and Clara have any problems?”
He nibbles on his bottom lip, lashes fluttering as he looks up at me. “Um, Clara couldn’t make it. She got sick.”
I’m not at all shocked that I’m pleased with that. Of course, I hate that she’s sick, I’m not that big of a monster, but knowing she’s not here lessens the sting of being around Theo. I haven’t seen him be very affectionate with her, but she’s affectionate with him. I don’t know how much I could tolerate the handholding, the kisses, the way she looks up at him like he’s her world.
Because I want to be in her place.
“That’s a shame,” I choke out. “I’ll pray for her.”
He smiles softly. “I think she’d appreciate that.” He looks around the mess hall, ears a bit red as he tilts his head to the side. “Um, would you want to sit with me?”
I want to do more than sit with him. I want to sit on his lap, preferably with no clothes on and with his dick shoved up my ass. Something as innocent as sitting together is too much of a temptation, especially with the way we played footsies like a couple of teenagers during Thanksgiving dinner three weeks ago. “I’m actually going to sit with Noah and Jarred. It’s been a while, so I’d like to catch up. You understand, right?”
He looks embarrassed, freckles hidden by his blush as he nods. “Completely. I’ll just go sit over…”
But he trails off when we both see everyone’s already paired up. I have no doubt that members of the congregation would accept Theo with open arms, and it might be good for him to socialize, but I know how shy he can be.
“Maybe—” I clear my throat. “Maybe you could sit with us. If you want to meet them, that is.”
His smile lights up his face with relief. “You’ve mentioned them before. I think I’d like to know them too. You know, the people you’re close to.”
As a way of getting closer to me too?
But I don’t say that. Instead, we get our food in silence and head over to where Jarred and Noah are sitting. “Mind making extra room?”
Noah and Jarred both smile, immediately scooting over for us. Theo decides to sit next to me and across from Noah. I breathe through my nose, smelling nothing but fresh citrus, and wish he’d sit anywhere else.
I hold out my hands. “Noah, Jarred, would you like to join us in prayer?”
Noah curls his lip in distaste. “Politely, fuck no.”
“I’ll pray with you,” Jarred says happily, taking my hand and reaching for Theo’s before he bows his head.
I quickly go through the grace, not wanting to make Noah uncomfortable, and we dig in after that. The camp food isn’t five-star or anything, but I’ve always liked Tom’s cooking. Theo must like it too because he scarfs everything down like he hasn’t eaten in weeks.
“So, Theo,” Noah starts, nodding his chin at him. “What’s your deal?”
“My deal?” Theo mumbles through a bite of eggs. “Sorry. Shouldn’t speak with food in my mouth.”
“No biggie,” Noah says. “But, yeah, what’s your story?”
Theo and I shouldn’t share a secret look, but we do. It’s a familiar conversation, one we’ve had before. So, I speak for him. “Oh, you know, he’s just your average thirty-year-old.”
“You’re not funny,” he snaps lightly, shoving my shoulder before facing Noah. “But I guess he’s right.”
I shake my head. “Theo was captain of his soccer team in high school. He likes hiking and model trains.”
“Way to make me sound cool,” he mumbles under his breath, but his freckles flush a pretty red.
I laugh, not at him, but with him. He rolls his eyes at me, elbowing me lightly, and I duck my head to look at him. I like seeing him like this. All pretty and pink and happy. I glance up at Jarred, however, and immediately sober.
He’s looking at me curiously, one brow quirked. He takes a bite of his pancakes before speaking to Theo. “I see a ring. Are you married?”
Theo freezes. He coughs, nearly choking on his food, and I have to slap his back to get him to steady himself. He licks his lips, almost stuttering for words. “Um, yeah. Five years.”
“Sweet,” Noah says, gulping down his juice. “Jarred and I are engaged. We’re planning a fall wedding next year. Any advice?”
Theo snorts. “Honestly? Clara did most of the planning and I showed up, but she likes those sorts of things. I didn’t care about the details. I just wanted to marry her.”
The reminder that Theo’s taken strikes me. How do I keep forgetting that monumental fact? We were just joking around two seconds ago but now the food churns unpleasantly in my stomach. Everything gets a bit hot when I look at Jarred and find him still staring at me.
I need to get out of here. I can’t do this. I… No. It’s too much. Jarred’s looking at me like he sees right through me. Theo’s talking about his wife. The eyes of God are shining down on me and pointing out every way I’m an absolute monster.
“If you’ll excuse me, I need to use the restroom,” I lie with no intention of returning as I stand.
Theo looks up at me, disappointment in his eyes. “Oh, yeah. I guess I should maybe go say hi to?—”
“Stay,” Noah says. “Marcy ditched me to hang out with some dude named Crafter and I could use some entertainment.”
I can’t help but place a reassuring hand on Theo’s shoulders, unable to tolerate him feeling uncomfortable or out of place. “You’ll be fine, pre ?—”
But I snap my mouth shut and walk away, not saying goodbye, probably looking too suspicious. I don’t care about that because it’s overcome by the way my heart hurts knowing that Theo isn’t my precioso . He’s my nothing.
And that’s exactly the way it has to stay.