24. Matteo
TWENTY-FOUR
MATTEO
Not even a breath of frozen mountain air can clear my mind.
I sigh as I lean back against a tree trunk, looking toward the lake as if it has the answers I want. It’s the tail end of our retreat and while it should have been a wonderful week, my time here has been plagued with guilt and shame.
Because Theo and I caved again.
My hands ball into fists in sheer frustration as I reflect. I’m frustrated that I can’t keep myself in check, that I have such a weak will, and that all I can think about is doing it again.
It’s over and over—a wicked roller coaster Theo and I can’t get off—and I’m growing tired. It’s poisonous and toxic because we’re trapped in this never-ending tortuous cycle of ‘I want you, but I can’t have you’. After that night, I’ve realized something that’s far more dangerous than any lust-filled encounter Theo and I might have.
We have feelings for each other. I was naive to believe he just wanted me for my body, but I can no longer stick my head in the sand and pretend what’s happening isn’t occurring.
I want him for sex, dear God do I want him for that, but it’s so much more. I want the little things too. I want to spend hours talking to him, knowing we’ll never reach a point where it’s too much. I want to cuddle with him on the couch while we play Xbox. I want to be there for his highs and lows, a shoulder for him to lean on, his favorite person in the world.
I want Theo for his soul. If I could give him pieces of me, I would. That thought alone breaks my heart because there’s already someone who has a claim to all of it. God .
I promised Him I’d be faithful. I promised Him I’d be true. I promised I would never dedicate myself to anyone as long as I had His grace. I took a vow because I heard His voice. God spoke to me, and I spoke back when I made my commitment to the Church and my calling. To break that promise… I don’t know who I’d be without it.
But Theo makes me want to find out.
I look up to the sky for a sign. I wish He would speak to me again. I’m lost and in despair, reaching into the darkness for something tangible to hold onto, but thin air is all I catch. This is when I need Him the most and He’s silent. Despite this, my faith doesn’t waver. He’s there watching over me, biding His time for when I truly need Him, but if not now, I’d hate to think of when.
“Matteo? What are you doing here?”
I startle when Jarred approaches me, a breakfast plate in his hand. His brows are wrinkled, confusion in his eyes. “You missed breakfast.”
“Thank you,” I say, accepting the plate when he hands it to me. “You didn’t have to do this.”
“You’re my friend. Of course I’d do this,” he says, gesturing for me to sit on a nearby trunk. “Please, eat.”
I nod and sit down, scooting over so he can sit beside me. We sit there for a moment while I eat, but the food tastes bland, and there’s tension thick in the air. Jarred’s awkward and stiff beside me, fiddling with his hands in a way I recognize. I sigh, setting my plate down on the ground. “Is there something on your mind?”
“I have a question, but I’m afraid to offend you,” he starts, thumbs now picking at his cuticles. “I don’t know how to start.”
I turn to him, and I’m a bit hurt, he feels like he can’t speak to me plainly. However, I don’t say that. I simply give him a second and wait for him to continue. Things have always been at Jarred’s pace. If you move too fast, he hesitates. That’s why it was so surprising when he got together with Noah. The Jarred I knew for nine years never took leaps, but the Noah he met a year ago makes him brave.
“Theo.” I stiffen beside him, but he continues anyway. “He’s married.”
I gulp, nodding. “That he is.”
“Are you…” He trails off, biting down hard on his lip, still not looking at me. “What are you to each other?”
“We’re friends.”
“Just friends?”
Jarred knows. Somehow in the brief time he met Theo, he figured it out. There’s no point lying to him because I’ve never been anything but truthful to my closest friend. I sigh, clasping my hands before me as I hang my head. “No, Jarred. We’re more than just friends.”
He finally looks at me, something akin to disappointment in his eyes. “Are you sleeping with him?”
“Not yet.”
I put it that way because it might still happen. I know that this pull is never going away. I’m trying to stop it, but I know that one sweet whispered ‘please’ from Theo’s lips will dissolve my will.
I was wary before, but I know I can confide in Jarred. I was there a year ago when he was struggling with his sexuality, so I know he won’t lash out or cringe at the fact that Theo’s a man. Jarred is one of the most accepting men I’ve ever met and that’s why it comes as a surprise when he curses under his breath, anger coating his expression when I look over at him.
“He’s married,” Jarred grits out, clenching his fists on his lap. “For fuck’s sake, Matteo. What are you thinking?”
“I’m thinking that he sees me,” I argue, knowing that I deserve his hatred, but wanting to defend a defenseless crime regardless. “I’m thinking that he’s special, Jarred. I’ve never felt this way before. Something is drawing us to each other, and I don’t think we can stop it.”
“That’s bullshit,” he bites. “You both can stop by just not doing it.”
“It’s not as simple as that and you should know it,” I snap. I shouldn’t be growing angry, but it’s the shame that makes it bubble and boil. Because I know what he’s saying is true, but I’m refusing to acknowledge it like a hypocrite. “Think of you and Noah.”
I don’t say this to bash him but simply point out the similarities of our circumstances. The relationship he built with Noah and mine with Theo are both unconventional. I'm hoping we can find some common ground in what’s quickly turning into an argument, but it has the opposite effect.
“What about me and Noah?” he shouts, shooting up off the trunk. “We were both single after Jenny cheated on me.”
I suck in a sharp breath. I hadn’t considered that. Now I feel like a dick for trying to rationalize my actions. “Jarred, I didn’t mean?—”
“It was for the best, of course, because I wouldn’t have Noah today if she hadn’t, but it hurt.” He clutches at his chest, tears in his eyes. “It fucking hurt, Matteo. To know that someone I dedicated my life to would throw it away for a quick fuck.”
“Jarred—”
“Think about his wife. Think about what you’re going to do to her. Do you know what the first feeling is after someone cheats on you?” he questions, but he cuts me off before I can answer. “Blame. You think it’s somehow your fault. Maybe you pushed them away or maybe, even worse, you weren’t enough for them.”
I hadn’t thought about it like that. It had crossed my mind what Clara might feel if she ever found out what Theo and I had done, but I always went to anger first. I never thought that she might somehow believe that she caused this. I don’t know Theo’s reasons, but it can’t be to hurt her. He’s too kind to ever purposefully do that.
It’s messy. I’ve created a mess, one that seems impossible to clean up, one that has so many threads invading my mind. I can’t think clearly. Everything’s jumbled. I say one thing and I do the other. I believe something but then I shit on that belief. Back and forth like a fucking idiotic hypocrite.
I drop my head in my hands, a sob slipping from my lips. “I don’t know what to do, Jarred. I think…”
“What? What do you think?” he hisses. “What could possibly make this okay?”
“What I feel for him is more than friendship!” I yell through blurry tears. “Jarred, I might be falling in love with him.”
The look in Theo’s eyes when I told him to leave, after what we did together earlier this week, showed me he might feel something similar. Nobody would have been able to miss the deep crippling sadness, the desperation for me to ask him to stay, the passion that burned bright in his otherwise clear blue eyes.
Jarred takes a step back like I’ve slapped him in the face. He blinks at me repeatedly, shaking his head. “Oh, Matteo. Don’t you see how much worse that is?”
I didn’t know what was worse, a physical affair or an emotional one. If you want somebody for their body, that’s one thing, but when you want them for their soul, it becomes much more.
“I’m trying,” I cry, looking for sympathy and compassion, knowing my actions don’t merit any. “But we’re drawn to each other. I don’t think I can stop it, Jarred. The worst part? I don’t think I want to.”
Jarred chews the inside of his cheek, pacing in front of me. “Don’t do this. Don’t fuck him. Don’t love him. Turn it off, Matteo. Find a fucking way to turn it off.”
If only it were that easy.
“How?”
“Whatever way you can,” he explains. He curses under his breath, plopping down beside me. He turns to me, the fury in his eyes gone and replaced with not quite understanding, but something close to it. “Try harder. Don’t be alone with him and don’t cave. You sleep with him, and you’ll regret it. Because once you cross that line, there’s no going back.”
I know that much. If Theo and I were to push that final boundary, if I were to feel him inside me, it’d be over. I’d be gone and tethered to him completely for the rest of my life. I don’t think we’d be able to stop, no matter how hard we would try.
“Do you hate me?” I ask him, hoping that the answer is no. “Jarred, I’m sorry.”
“Not sorry enough to stop,” he mumbles under his breath. After a second, he sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I could never hate you, Matteo, but I hate what you’ve done.”
“I’ll try,” I promise him. “I won’t… I’ll try.”
Jarred nods and stands, kicking at a rock. “I’m going to head back to the mess hall.”
“Jarred, please?—”
“I can’t be around you right now,” he admits, not looking at me. “I think I just need a second to cool off. Have a good trip back.”
I let him go because he needs it. I wasn’t lying to him when I said I’d try. What he said about Clara is one hundred percent true. How could a servant of the Lord, called to help others, break a heart?
I’ll pray until my knees are bloody. I’ll pray until my lips are swollen. I’ll pray until I can only think of the Lord and His strength.
I’ll pray and hope that it’s enough.