26. Theo
TWENTY-SIX
THEO
Everything is numb.
I always knew the absence of something could cause pain, but it’s never been like this.
“Theo, are you ready yet?”
I sigh, picking myself off the bed as I walk to the dresser to pick out a tie. How am I supposed to go to a stupid New Year’s Eve party when it feels like every step is held down by a heavy weight?
I’ve tried to talk to Matteo, tried to reach out and engage him in some type of conversation, but he’s made himself increasingly scarce. There’s been a pause in marriage counseling, so I don’t even have that excuse to see him.
The realization I had last Sunday at the church is heavy in my heart, weighted on my tongue, and I itch to set it free, but he’s not even giving me the chance.
“Theo!”
I shake my head as I put on my tie, calling down the stairs. “Be right there!”
I quickly fix myself. We’re going to Old Man Crafter’s barn to watch the fireworks, but I’m not in the mood. A part of me wants to go because it yearns to know if Matteo will be there too. The bigger part of me is reminded, with every stuttered breath I take at the mention of his name, it’s over. His actions or lack thereof have made it entirely clear that he doesn’t want me the way I want him, the way I yearn for him.
I head down the stairs, taking them as slowly as possible, and scratch the back of my neck when I see Clara waiting impatiently for me at the bottom. “You took forever. We’re going to be late.”
“I… I don’t think I want to go.” I don’t think I can stand to see Matteo without wanting to burst into tears. “I think I’m just going to stay home.”
Her eyes widen. “Stay home? Theo, you can’t do that. We promised we’d bring the cake and Earl bought champagne, especially for this party.”
“Well, I don’t want cake, and I don’t want champagne,” I tell her, moving around her to sit on the couch. “I’m just tired.”
“You’re always just tired ,” she complains, spinning to face me. “I have no idea what’s been going on with you lately.”
I shake my head, reaching for the remote. “Nothing.”
“Theo, you can talk to me?—”
“I said it’s nothing,” I snap. I curse under my breath. This isn’t Clara’s fault, and I shouldn’t be taking it out on her. I go to apologize, but she’s not having it.
She marches in front of me, hands on her hips. “We’re going to speak our truths now.”
I groan internally. This is one of the first activities Matteo suggested for us when we started counseling. We’re supposed to say the things we otherwise would keep from each other in fear of hurting the other. We hadn’t tried it when he suggested it, and now that she’s brought it up, I still don’t want to.
“I don’t have a truth to speak,” I tell her, doing my best to keep my frustration in check. “Go have fun at the party. I’ll wait up for you.”
“My truth is you’ve become someone I don’t recognize,” she starts. “You’re up and then you’re down. We were doing so good and now it feels like we’re back where we started.”
“I don’t know what to do about that,” I say honestly. “I can’t change what I’m feeling.”
She cocks her head to the side. “Don’t you see the keyword there? Feeling . How am I supposed to know what you’re feeling if you don’t talk to me? All I’m asking is for an olive branch. Speak your truth.”
“I told you I don’t have any truth to speak.”
“And I know that’s bullshit!” She pinches the bridge of her nose, pacing in front of me. “Want to hear another one of my truths? I want a baby, Theo.”
I rear my head back as if I’ve been slapped, my heart racing at her words, nausea pooling in my stomach. “I thought we decided we were going to wait.”
“No, you decided we were going to wait,” she retorts, throwing her hands in the air. “I’m done waiting. What’s your truth? Do you want a baby or not?”
I get up and spin around, heading somewhere, anywhere that this conversation isn’t at. “I’m not ready.”
“You keep saying that, but I don’t believe you,” she argues, following me. “Tell me why you don’t want a baby. Give me one good fucking reason.”
Because I don’t think I love you anymore. Because I don’t think I want to be a father. Because I’m falling in love with someone else.
And the worst truth.
Because I think you might have been convenient and comfortable. Because I love you but I’m not in love with you.
“Nothing?” she questions, venom in her voice that slices through me. “It’s always nothing, isn’t it?”
She turns around, but I see her shoulders shaking. I don’t want to be the reason for her tears and that’s what I’m doing. It’s inevitable, however, because I can’t give her the answer she wants.
“I’ll go to the party,” I tell her, walking to the entryway to grab my coat. “Sorry I didn’t want to go earlier.”
She shakes her head. “I think it’s best if I went alone.”
I should argue, but I don’t. We’d just keep fighting on the way there, or worse, it’d be the silent treatment again. I don’t know which one I hate the most.
“I love you,” I whisper, knowing that the words are true just maybe not the way they should be.
She raises her eyes at me, tilting her head to the side. “Sometimes it’s hard to remember that you do.”
She leaves with those parting words. I’m broken on the inside; the numbness only grows with each minute I spend alone. I feel so lost, so lonely like I don’t belong anywhere or with anyone.
That’s not true. I know where I’ve always felt seen and cherished and special.
I can’t control my body as I grab my coat, put on my shoes, and head out the door. My mind is silent as I walk down Main Street toward the church. It’s automatic and natural to push the doors open, knowing Matteo doesn’t lock them. Before I know it, with willing feet, I’m at the rectory door and knocking.
I know what he wanted to convey at Mass, and I should listen to him, but common sense and reason are a foreign concept now. I can only go to him, speak the truth I’ve been hiding, and put the ball in his court. It’s desperate and pathetic, but I’m at my tipping point, ready to jump off the cliff no matter how hard the impact will hurt.
Matteo opens it, dressed in nothing but a pair of sweats, his drool-worthy chest on display. His eyes widen when he sees me, but he can’t hide his pleased shock. I can see it and it gives me the flicker of hope I need to place a hand on his chest and push him into the living room.
“What are you doing?” he growls. “I thought I told you?—”
“I need you,” I breathe, reaching for the hem of my shirt. “I know what you meant at Mass, but I don’t care. I don’t care about any of it.”
I pull my shirt off in one fell swoop, working on my pants next. His eyes track the movement of my fingers on my zipper, jaw dropping just a tad when I yank my pants down.
He grits his teeth but a flicker of lust in his amber eyes betrays him.
He wants me.
Push just a little more.
I want him out of control for me. I want him to do all the dirty things his mind comes up with. I need his filthy words, his attention, his devotion.
“Are you going to say no to me?” I ask, fiddling with the band of my underwear, knowing the tight white fabric leaves nothing to the imagination, and closing the gap between us. “Please, baby. I know you don’t want to. I know exactly what you want.”
“And what is it I want?” he questions, voice strained and hoarse, fingers trembling at his sides.
I start to pull down my underwear, inching it just over my hips. “You want me to fuck you. You want me inside you. You want me just as much as I want you.”
His hand snatches my wrist just before I can get my cock out. His grip is tight around me, bruising almost, but I’d gladly wear his marks. “Do you like this? You want to torture me? You want to see me in pain?”
I lean in, hovering my mouth over his, reveling in the way I can feel the hot pants of breath on my lips. “I could take it all away if you just let it.”
“I…” Something cracks within him, a muffled groan escaping his lips as he cups my face in my hands. “Fuck, I feel empty.”
“I can fix that.”
“I feel like I can’t live without it.”
“I can help with that too.”
“You know what this means, don’t you?” He digs his fingers into my cheeks, pulling me until we’re in his room. “If we do this…”
I shake my head. “Don’t talk about that. You’re all I see and all I want. When I’m with you, the world could fucking be obliterated and I wouldn’t notice. Let’s keep it like that.”
“No one can know.”
He brushes his nose against mine.
“They wouldn’t understand.”
His hands find the waistband of my underwear.
“They wouldn’t know how I burn for you.”
I bite the corner of his jaw, soothing the sting with my tongue, until my lips find his ear. “It’s our secret.”
And with those three words, our fate is sealed.
Matteo cries out as he smashes his lips against mine, shameless and without restraint. I gasp against him when he settles his hands under my ass and lifts me so I can wrap my legs around his waist. He carries me over to the bed, his lips never leaving mine until he tosses me on the bed, making me bounce with the intensity of his strength.
He crawls over my body, fingers reaching for my underwear. “You have no idea what you got yourself into, precioso . I’m going to devour you, make you feel ways you’ve never felt before, fucking annihilate you.”
I stretch my arms over my head, lifting my hips, my breath coming out in sharp little pants when he anchors his teeth around the waistband. “You want it dirty? Make me filthy.”
He growls and uses his teeth to tug down my underwear, his nose brushing against my straining cock, making it jerk. As soon as he has them off, his mouth is on me, swallowing my cock down to the root. I cry out because holy shit , it’s been far too long.
Over a year without someone else’s touch. Over a year without this type of connection.
And that’s going to make me a short trigger.
“B-Baby,” I stutter, digging my fingers in his hair, trying to stop his bobbing head. “Please, I’m going to come.”
He pops off my dick, licking his wet puffy lips with a grin that makes my insides boil. “Good. I want you coming more than once tonight. Once down my throat, once in my ass, and once on my face. Think you can do that, precioso ?”
I whine, shaking my head as he drags his tongue up my length, flicking it against my head. “Please…”
“So full,” he murmurs, tugging at my balls. “You saved it all for me, didn’t you? Well, I’m greedy, and I want all of it.”
He doesn’t give me a chance to say anything else before he’s going to town. If his single-minded pursuit is to make me come, he’s going to succeed in a matter of seconds. While I’m living for this moment, I’m too impatient, too needy, and too desperate for something else.
“Matteo,” I cry, throwing my head back, moving it side-to-side with the overwhelming pleasure I’m feeling. “Let me in that ass, baby. Need to be inside you. I’m begging you.”
He squeezes the base of my cock— hard —and raises a brow at me. “You’re so beautiful when you beg.” He thinks it over for a minute, suckling my head as he stares up at me before he pulls off and nods. “Just this once you get to run the show.”
He gets off the bed, ripping his sweats off, showing off his thick thighs and even thicker uncut cock. He goes to his nightstand and produces a small bottle of lube, tossing it next to my head. “Get me ready.”
“I…” I pick up the lube, staring at it. “I don’t know what to do.”
He smiles warmly, kindly, moving onto my body with his ass directly in front of my face. He’s so brazen, no embarrassment, just sheer want coursing through him when he pulls his cheeks apart. “Fucking worship it.”
I nod enthusiastically, knowing exactly what he’s asking for. I drop the lube quickly, leaning in, and pressing my nose against him. I don’t do anything but breathe in deeply, moaning at his scent, having smelled nothing like it before. “Fuck, baby… so good.”
“Give me your tongue,” he demands, digging his nails into the skin of my thighs as he pushes his ass back against me. “ Now .”
I love that tone of voice, the fact he’s not taking no for an answer, and the way he demands—not asks—for what he wants.
“Yes!” he shouts when I give him one long lick. “Keep going, just like that.”
I give into the animalistic side of me that simply wants to eat him alive. It’s wet and sloppy, drool covering my chin as I feast on him. All the while he’s moaning, spreading his cheeks further apart, encouraging me with filthy words to fuck him with my tongue and loosen his little hole.
Jesus Christ, I’m in Heaven.
“Fingers,” he snaps, handing me the lube. “Give me as many as you can.”
I coat my fingers, twirling them around his hole. “Should I start with one?”
“I like the burn,” he tells me, kissing down my thighs. “Love the stretch. I can take it, precioso .”
I gulp but do as he says. He’s the one who has experience with this, so I trust he knows how much he can handle. Still, I only use two fingers as I enter him, rubbing his thigh soothingly when he takes in a sharp breath. “It’s alright,” I mumble, leaning forward to nip at his ass. “Breathe, baby.”
He does, and I feel the moment I sink completely inside him. I fuck him with my fingers gently, adding a third when I don’t feel as much resistance.
“One more,” he chokes out. “Fuck, give me more. I want to be stuffed.”
I don’t know where my next words come from, but it seems like his own foul mouth is transforming me into someone new. “Your ass is a greedy slut, isn’t it? It wants my whole goddamn hand in there.”
He nearly screams when I slip a fourth finger in, hiking his ass up in the air as he collapses on his chest. “Yes, fuck, such a slutty hole.”
I’m mesmerized as I watch myself disappear inside him. He’s stretched, filled to the brim, taking my fingers like a champ. I’ve never been with a man before, but that fact becomes just a whisper of doubt because of the way I’m making him feel. His body can’t lie and he’s enjoying every second of this. Giving him pleasure, I think it’s my new favorite thing to do.
“Enough,” he grunts, leaning forward and slipping off my fingers, leaving my jaw dropping at how loose and open he is. “My turn.”
I don’t know what he means but I quickly find out when he spins, shoves me back by my chest, and straddles me. He holds my eyes for a split second as he leans down and pecks my lips gently. “Enjoy this tender moment, precioso , because we’re about to fuck like you’ve never fucked before.”
And when he slams down on my cock in one go, both of us letting out hoarse shouts, finally connected in the way it was always destined to be, I realize something.
Falling in love?
Fuck, I think I’m already there.