40. Matteo
FORTY
MATTEO
It’s with steady hands that I dress.
I put on the ‘fuck me’ jeans Theo bought me and a baby blue button-up shirt that matches his eyes. I look at myself in the mirror, smiling breathlessly as I smooth down the shirt. I think the blue looks nice, but Theo said the green compliments my eyes more. I hold the other option up next to my chest, wondering which one he’d like. I also have a red sweater he bought me too, said it was tight enough to show off my muscles, so he might appreciate that?—
It’s just Theo.
I drop the green shirt with a chuckled huff. I’m being ridiculous right now. Theo doesn’t care what I wear. He’s had his cock up my ass, so I shouldn’t be nervous about going on a date with him.
I run a hand across my throat, the absence of a collar has me feeling terribly exposed, but I don’t want to wear it. If the point is to get away for a night, I want to do it with a clean slate.
There’s a knock on my door that startles me. I check my watch with a furrowed brow, seeing that Theo still has at least two hours left at work. My heart flutters with the thought that he was just too excited to wait and decided to leave work early. I smile, checking myself out in the mirror one last time before heading to the door. I grin like a madman, ready to throw myself in his arms the second I see him.
But my heart stops when he’s not the one on the other side of the door.
“I… Clara?”
Clara stands before me, wearing a pale pink dress, her hair neatly pulled back, her school badge still around her neck, looking like the picturesque preschool teacher. She fidgets in front of me, cocking her head as she notices my outfit. “Going somewhere, Father?”
“Just on a little outing,” I lie, clearing my throat. “I’m actually on the way out.”
“I was hoping we could have a quick chat,” she says, gesturing inside the rectory. “Can I come in?”
No. Absolutely not. While Clara is lovely, I don’t want to be anywhere near her. Her presence brings nothing but a deep sense of foreboding in my gut like a drizzle before a hurricane… “I really do have to go?—”
“One second,” she insists with a small smile. “Please.”
I reluctantly nod, stepping to the side so she can walk in. Immediately, she heads to the center of the room, looking around with too much curiosity. She’s clutching her purse tightly in her hands as she turns back to me. “It’s beautiful in here.”
“Thank you,” I say, swallowing audibly when she peeks her head into the bedroom. “I’m sorry, Clara, but how can I help you? I really am in a hurry.”
She takes a deep breath, taking one last look in the bedroom before facing me again, something resigned and numb in her features. “So, this is where it happens.”
I furrow my brow. “Where what happens?”
“This is where you and my husband fuck.”
I nearly die on the spot. Everything stops—the time, my breathing, my heart—as I digest her words. She…
On instinct and self-preservation, I lie. “I’m sorry, Clara, but I have no idea?—”
“You know I’m not the fool you make me out to be,” she says, cutting me off as she runs her fingers over the top of the couch. “Have you two done it here?”
“Clara,” I repeat, clearing my throat. “I don’t know what you’re trying to do, but perhaps you should leave.”
“You’re going to lie to me, Father? You’re not going to admit to fucking my husband?” The crass way she says it makes my blood curdle as she continues. She cocks her head to the side, furrowing her brows. “Did you dress up for him?”
My face flushes red, embarrassment and humiliation coursing through me. “I…”
“Don’t lie to me,” she snaps, fisting one of the throw pillows like she’s aiming to chuck it at my head. I wouldn’t blame her. “Don’t be a coward. Tell me you’re sleeping with my husband.”
I close my eyes, taking in a deep but wholly unsteadying breath. I go to argue, spill more lies, protect the secret Theo and I built, but it’s too late for that. When I open my eyes again, Clara’s staring at me expectantly, and I have no choice but to tell the truth. “Yes.”
There’s a moment where there’s something akin to disbelief in her eyes, almost as if she wasn’t expecting my answer. She drops the throw pillow, bringing a hand to her chest like she’s trying to settle her breaking heart.
And that’s what it looks like.
Her heart is breaking.
Tears well in her eyes as her jaw drops, stuttering out breaths that seem uneven. “How long?”
“I think this is something you and Theo need to discuss,” I tell her gently, lingering by the doorway, unsure of what else I can do.
“You… You sat across from us,” she whispers, almost to herself as she brings a trembling finger to her lips. “You told me to give it time, that everything would be okay, just to be patient. All the while you and him were…” She looks to the side. “Did he at least… take off his ring?”
I suck in a sharp breath. “What?”
“When you two are…” She can’t even finish her sentence, biting into her knuckles as she tries to fight back tears. “When you sleep together, does he still wear his ring?”
And how cruel is the universe for my answer to be that I’ve never even noticed?
No answer is answer enough for her because that sob she was holding back, it breaks free from her lips, gut-wrenching and so brutally painful. “How could you? How did this even happen?”
“Clara—”
“Why him ?” she screeches through a cracked voice, shaking her head as she throws her hands in the air. “Out of all the people, why would you choose someone who’s already taken?”
“It wasn’t?—”
“Do you have no decency?” she cries, pulling at her hair. “No shame?”
Oh, I have plenty of shame, and it hits me like a freight train.
I dip my head, trying not to show the way my cheeks flush in mortification. Once again, the idea that I’m an idiot strikes me. That everything I’ve been doing with Theo is a mistake. Not one I regret but one that should never have happened in the first place.
“I’m sorry,” is all I say because all rational words have left me. There’s nothing I can tell her that will make her feel better. There’s nothing I can do that will erase what’s happened.
The consequence of our affair is standing in front of me, and it hurts worse than I thought it ever could. Knowing that I’ve caused Clara pain and seeing her tear-stricken face, reality turns on a whole new level that’s inescapable.
“You’re sorry ?” She spits the last word out in distaste. “Now you have compassion?”
“We never intended on hurting you,” I tell her truthfully, but the words sound pathetic even to me. It sounds like a fool’s claim because this was never going to end any other way but this. “Please, believe me.”
“That’s the thing, isn’t it?” she mutters bitterly, wiping the back of her hand on her cheek as she chuckles humorlessly. “You didn’t even think of me. You took what you both wanted and said fuck it to everything else.”
“I…”
“I forgive him.”
I blink at her, jaw dropping at her words. “Forgive him?”
She sets her lips in a tight line, wetness still gathering in her eyes, barely-there restraint keeping her from crumbling like I know she wants to. “I love him. He’s my husband. I vowed to be with him through good times and bad. We can move on from this, but you have to be the one to let us.”
“Me?” I ask, shaking my head. “I…”
“If you’re in the picture, my marriage is over,” she tells me. “What Theo and I need is a real chance, one shot, to try and make this work. We have our issues, but I know he still loves me. If you would just… let me have him.” The words look like they hurt her, but she perseveres anyway. “If you would just let my husband come back to me, I know everything could be okay.”
I take a step back as the breath leaves me. She’s right. I preached to myself about how wrong it was to be with a married man, knowing it was better if he went back to the life he had, but I’ve kept him just because I wanted him. I knew it was immoral, I knew it was hurtful, and I still did it anyway.
I’m the evil corruption that led Theo astray. Despite my love for him—my selfish desires—I tore him away from the path he was meant to walk. I waltzed in with little strength of will and threw myself where I didn’t belong.
Theo was never meant to be mine.
Clara must see the clear conflict on my face, the fact that tears are starting to pool in my eyes, because she closes her eyes and sighs softly. “Please. I know you’ll do the right thing. Let him come back to me.”
I can’t find the words, so I nod. I’m afraid if I open my mouth, all that will come out is a choked sob. Clara nods along with me, giving the room one last look before marching out of the rectory.
I… I walk to the mirror in my bedroom. The clean crisp blue shirt no longer looks flattering on me, and the excitement I had when I put it on is long gone. It feels… so stupid. So stupid that I cared. So stupid that I wore this. So stupid that all I wanted was for Theo to think I was beautiful.
I rip it off, nearly tearing the buttons as hot tears fall down my cheeks. I crumple it up and toss it against the mirror, hating my reflection and what I’ve become.
Because I’m the villain of this story.
And villains aren’t meant to have happy endings.