11. Raleigh
Raleigh
11
This is officially rock bottom.
Who would have known, two years after dropping out of college and being forced back to the hometown I always vowed never to return to, I’d be nothing more than a wreck, living out of the back of my car.
Fucking pathetic.
Happy birthday to me, I suppose. Twenty-four has never looked so good.
These past two years have been insufferable. I’ve been angry, and every day I find a reason to blame Axel for all the shit in my life, for all the hell I’ve had to suffer through, despite knowing he did nothing but chase a dream. And that realization only sends me spiraling further.
Life has a way of kicking you when you’re down, and in the past, I’ve had people around me who’ve been there to help pick me up, but now . . . I’m all alone.
I tried. I really did, but after Axel’s funeral, I just . . . couldn’t. Getting out of bed was impossible, and it didn’t take long before I was called in to meet with the dean. She offered to give me time, to put my studies on pause and come back to it next semester after I’d had time to grieve, but the idea of spending another day in this place that was supposed to offer me freedom suddenly left me feeling more caged than ever. I walked out of that office and waved goodbye to everything I’d worked my ass off for.
My college degree had already begun slipping out of my hands, and I suppose I helped it on its way down. Axel had been paying my rent up until then, and while Madds did everything she could to try and make it easier for me, I couldn’t put her under that kind of financial strain, especially so close to finals.
The desperation, grief, and fear of the unknown were too much, and despite everything, I packed my bags and found my way back to the town I vowed to never see again. The town where I experienced the best and worst times of my life. The town that holds the greatest memories of my mother and the darkest ones of my father I’ve never dared to speak out loud. It was the town I first fell in love, the town where I had my heart torn to shreds, and the town that forced me to spread my wings and take flight. It was almost ironic how the cruel world left me as a crippled bird with no choice but to return to its viper-filled nest.
I had more than my fair share of fears when I realized there was nowhere else for me to go, but all I needed was a few weeks to get back on my feet. I thought if I had just a little bit of familiarity, just long enough to find a job and save some cash, I’d be able to get out of there with most of my sanity intact. I should have known better, but desperation makes us do crazy things and make foolish choices.
That town never felt like home after the boys left.
Then after watching my father leave for work, I ransacked the home that left me broken, grabbed what little cash and supplies I could find, and since then, I’ve been struggling just to survive.
I’ve worked day shifts as a waitress and then raced across the street to start my second shift for the day in the only dive bar willing to hire me. The tips were shit, but at least I was able to eat. Showering and laundry? Well, that’s a different story.
Most nights, I crash in the back of my car, and on the odd occasion where the tips are somewhat decent, I splurge and get myself a room in the shitty motel across town. The beds are hard and lumpy, and I can’t always guarantee that the sheets have been washed, but I get a decent shower and a chance to relax in a way I can’t do from the backseat of my car.
It’s nothing special, nothing to be proud of, but it beats going back to that house, and I’d take the struggle a million times over submitting to the devil.
Every few months, I move around and find a new town, never able to find somewhere to settle. Ever since I lost Axel, I’ve felt like a hopeless soul, destined to wander without a purpose, and damn it, it makes me so angry. Before him, before Ezra and the band, I wanted to be something. I wanted to do good in the world, but I’m broken beyond repair, and I don’t know how to claw my way out of the darkness. I’m barely surviving, and all I want to do is scream.
Don’t get me wrong, every now and then I find the courage to laugh and smile again. It never lasts long, but it’s always enough to give me what I need to keep going, to see the light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how dim that light might be.
Today, the dim light is the ice cream cake I’m going to splurge on. It’ll probably leave my lactose intolerant body hunched over a toilet later as a big fuck you, but it’ll be worth it. I hope.
I stand in the bathroom mirror of the shitty motel I found late last night. The bed is just as terrible as I expected it to be, but at least the door offered a dead bolt, and the TV had more than one channel to occupy my lonely night.
Most of the time, I do what I can to avoid social media. I have my phone, and while it’s nothing special, it allows me to keep in contact with Madds and check up on Dylan and Rock every now and then. Truth be told, I haven’t responded to many of their texts lately. They don’t tell me how Ezra’s doing, and I don’t dare ask, but I’d be lying to myself if I didn’t admit that I’d wondered on more than a few occasions.
Losing Ax would have hit him just as hard as it hit me, and while a part of me hates myself for what I said to him at the funeral, I can’t bring myself to regret it.
The words I said to him repeat in my head a million times a day, and while it kills me every time, nothing guts me more than remembering the haunted emptiness in his eyes before his security team escorted him out. Axel’s death killed him, but my ruthless rejection burned him to ashes.
I needed him to feel my pain. I needed him to hurt, and hell, I think I still do.
I have too much anger, too much to blame them for, but since Axel’s not here to take the brunt of my wrath, I have no choice but to let it eat me from the inside out.
This pent-up anger is slowly killing me, and I hate that I’m not capable of letting it go.
I’m wasting my life away, and when I think of everything my mom and Axel would have wanted for me, all I can do is laugh before it turns into a broken, gut-wrenching sob.
My phone rings from the small bedside table in my motel room, and I step back from the mirror and make a show of forcing a smile across my face and hating how fake it looks. It’s showtime.
Hurrying out of the bathroom, I quickly scoop up my phone and accept the call from Madds. She checks in almost every day, and honestly, I’m so glad she’s so easily swayed and never thinks to dig deeper than the surface. Otherwise, she would have seen through my lies years ago. “Oh my god! Happy birthday,” she squeals into the phone before I have a chance to even say hello. “I feel like it was only yesterday I was calling on your last birthday. It’s insane how quickly these past twelve months have gone.”
“Right,” I say, despite not being able to agree with her even a little bit. It’s crazy how long the days feel when you work two jobs and spend the nights sleeping with a knife you stole from a restaurant just so you can feel safe enough to close your eyes. “How are you doing? How’s work? Is that boss of yours still giving you a hard time?”
“Ugh, yes,” she says. “She’s such a cow.”
Madds instantly dives into a rant while giving me more than enough corporate gossip than I can handle for the day, and as she chats away, I grab my small makeup collection and head back into the bathroom.
I start getting ready for my first shift in this new town that I didn’t bother to learn the name of, and when she turns the conversation back on me, I start to sweat. “So, how’s everything going for you? You’ve gotta tell me all about this guy you’re dating. Oh, scrap that! How did it go with that promotion? Did you get it?”
I cringe, more than thrilled that Madds didn’t feel the need to video chat today. If she had, she surely would have seen the look on my face and known that everything I’ve said to her over the past two years has been nothing but lies, but what choice do I have? If she knew how I was living and what kind of hell I’ve been suffering through, she’d take the weight of that right on her shoulders, and these burdens are only mine to bear.
As far as Madds is aware, I’m working some lowly marketing job back in Michigan, living in a cheap apartment that’s walking distance from my fake job. I also made up a fake boyfriend, Jason, who may or may not be a little kinky. She thinks I’m living the life I always set out to achieve . . . more or less, and while my lies make me feel like an even bigger piece of shit, it puts a smile on her face, and that’s all that matters to me.
As I’m about to explain my non-existent promotion, my phone beeps in my ear, and I pull it back to find an unknown number flashing across the screen. “Shit, someone’s trying to call me,” I tell Madds, hoping like fuck it’s not someone from my new job canceling on me before I’ve even had the chance to start. “This could be important. I’ll give you a call back in a minute.”
“Kay, love you,” she says before ending the call.
There’s a split second of silence before I accept the call, and I let out a heavy breath, already expecting the worst. “Hello.”
“Hello, is this Raleigh Stone?”
“Yep, that’s me.”
“My god, you’re a hard woman to get a hold of, but nonetheless, it’s an absolute pleasure to speak with you again,” the too-formal voice says in a tone that nudges at a memory I can’t quite place. “It’s Lenny Davidson from Louder Records. How are you doing, sweetheart? It’s been far too long.”
My jaw drops, and I struggle to form words into sentences. This is some kind of joke, right? Some old fan of Axel’s has found my number and is now pranking me. There is literally no possible reason under the sun for why the CEO of Louder Records would call me. “Umm . . . Hi,” I say. I haven’t heard from the man since Axel’s funeral when I all but threatened to ruin him if he let anything bad happen to any of the guys. “I’ve been . . . I don’t know, fine I guess.”
“Wonderful news,” he says, clearly not picking up on my tone. “Listen, I know this is a little out of left field, however, I have a proposal for you.”
My face scrunches with unease. “What kind of proposal?”
“A job offer.”
I scoff. “I don’t know what kind of job offer you could possibly have for me, but the answer is no. I’m not some struggling artist hoping to make it big time, and I’m not some fancy producer. There’s literally nothing I could possibly offer Louder Records that would be beneficial for anyone involved.”
“Ahhh, I disagree,” he says, way too chipper for a man currently speaking to a woman who holds him somewhat responsible for her brother’s death. “Your brother, may he rest in peace, always spoke so highly of you. You were such an important factor in his life, and he would always tell me that one day, you would be marketing director for Demon’s Curse and would be running circles around those boys.”
His words are like a direct strike against my chest, and I have to force myself to sit so that I don’t crumble to the ground. Axel was always so proud of me, no matter how much I screwed up. He always believed I could do anything I set my mind to, just as he did, so when I first told him as an awkward teenager that I wanted to be the marketing director for Demon’s Curse, he took it as a challenge. For him, it was a done deal, but for me, things were different.
“Yeah, well, that was a long time ago,” I say, trying to keep the positivity in my tone.
“Look, I understand that working for Demon’s Curse was always a dream of yours, and while I can’t quite offer you that, I can, however, offer you a stepping stone.”
My brows furrow, too curious to deny him right away. “What kind of stepping stone?”
“A new band,” he says. “They’re going on their first tour, and when my team came to me and said that they’re in need of a marketing genius to help kickstart this tour, you were the first name that came to mind.”
“I—”
“Don’t say no just yet,” he says. “I understand that working for the same company that your brother spent so many wonderful years with isn’t going to be easy, but this is what he always wanted for you. I’m not sure what direction your life has taken over the past few years, but if you want to take a leap and make a change, the opportunity is right here.”
“Thank you,” I say, unsure of where all the tears on my face are coming from. “I really appreciate it. I do, but I’m not the person you’re looking for. After Axel died, so did any chance I had of becoming something. I dropped out of college, and I’m sure a company like Louder Records isn’t looking for some college dropout to run the marketing team for the launch of a new band that I’m sure is some kind of replacement for Demon’s Curse.”
“You’re not wrong. Louder Records isn’t searching for some college dropout to run the launch of this band’s tour, but Axel had faith in you,” he tells me. “Your brother believed that you were born to do this. He even had me write it into a contract before he passed. He was an incredible musician but an even better man who was a great judge of character. He knew what he wanted and how to get it, and he knew when something was right, and you Raleigh, he knew you would be right for this. So, I’m choosing to have faith in him again. If Axel Stone believed that you would be the right fit for this, then who the hell am I to question it?”
I let out a breath, my knee bouncing as I consider it. It’s not as though I have much to lose. “What exactly does this position entail?” I question, realizing that working for Louder Records puts me right in the Ezra Knight danger zone.
“There are too many components of this position to list over the phone. However, it will be expected that you travel with the band on tour.”
My brows rise, starting to get a little intrigued. “And what band is it, exactly?”
“Unfortunately, I can’t disclose that information until an NDA is signed and secured. However, I must stress that this is not an opportunity that is going to wait around. If you don’t scoop it up, someone else will.”
“Even without my degree?”
“That’s correct, Raleigh.”
“Shit. It’s a lot to think about.”
“Indeed it is,” he agrees. “Listen, why don’t you fly out to LA? I can have a private jet waiting for you at any airport of your desire within the hour. Come check out the studio, meet the band, hear them play, and we’ll go from there. If you’re feeling it, we’ll sit down and talk terms, and you can give me a decision then. Otherwise, I’ll leave you to get on with your life.”
“Fly to LA?” I ask. “Just drop everything and get on a jet.”
“I will be sure to make this worth your while,” Lenny says. “Any sister of Axel’s is considered family to Louder Records, and we take care of our own. You will be more than fairly compensated for your work and time.”
“Shit.”
“What have you got to lose, Raleigh?” he questions like a sleazy car salesman, and he’s right, what the hell do I have to lose? Not a damn thing.
“Okay,” I finally tell him. “I can be at O’Hare International Airport in forty minutes.”
“Is that Chicago?”
“Yes.”
“Alright,” he says slowly, as though writing something down. “You should be touching down in LA a little after lunch. We’ll put you up in a hotel, give you a chance to get yourself together, and then we can arrange to meet in the studio . . . say, around three. Does that work for you?”
“Three is fine,” I tell him as my head begins to spin. Am I seriously considering this? Surely this is insane, right? Or perhaps this is Axel’s way of looking out for me.
“Perfect. I look forward to it, Raleigh.” And with that, he ends the call, and not a moment later, I’m scrambling through my shitty motel room, collecting all my things, and getting my ass out the door. Apparently, I have one hell of a flight to catch.