Chapter 27
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
AUbrEY
Straddling a line? Worrying my pretty little head?
That was how Rye saw me? Like I was that tired, old woman again, trying to be a mom to my boys, trying to be a perfect wife to my dead husband, a good friend, business owner, community member, and Rye’s girlfriend all at the same time.
I knew he was right.
It had come time for me to believe, to be bold, to put my foot down on one side of the line and declare my intentions. I needed to stop worrying about what everyone thought of me. The only opinion that mattered should have been my own.
Before I married Tommy, I had been the strong, wild girl Rye kept telling me I could be again, and the world had seemed so much bigger to me back then.
To Micah and Benji, I’d always only been their mom. It felt weird still to think of myself as anything else, but Rye was also right that they could handle us being together if I showed them he was who I wanted.
Who I needed .
And it would do them good to see me treated so preciously. That was a lesson still left they needed to learn. If you loved someone, you didn’t walk all over them or possess them like an old trophy in a corner collecting dust; you let them fly and soar and succeed. You cheered them on while they did it, and that was the way to show your love.
“Ma?” Micah said softly, taking the cushion at the opposite end of the couch in the living room, watching me carefully as he stretched his long, skinny legs out in front of him. He’d worn Batman socks, of all things, and seeing them on his big feet brought back so many memories of when those feet were smaller than my hand.
Sipping my coffee, I thought about what I wanted to say to him.
His brother would get over it quickly. That had always been Benji’s way—quick to accuse, but also quick to forgive. He was an enigma; he’d always had some innate ability to just accept hard things. Some days I found myself wishing I could be more like him.
Micah was the opposite; he learned quickly, but he took a long time to accept new things or people. Tommy’s death hit him the hardest. I’d known losing my husband was a possibility when he enlisted, but I supported him. I always had, no matter the thing he wanted to do. Why couldn’t he have done the same for me?
“Yeah?” I said, finally focusing on Micah’s handsome face.
It still surprised me when I found Tommy’s features in the boys’, but the older they got, the easier he was to see in them. It killed me that he couldn’t be here to see himself reflected back through them. But I was there, too, in their brown eyes and the way they saw the world, like it was something to be discovered and mastered.
Micah sighed heavily. “Izzy dumped me.”
“Oh, honey,” I said, setting my mug on the coffee table. “I’m so sorry. Are you okay?”
“No. I think… I think I love her.”
Whoa. We’re already talking about love? Wait—doesn’t that make you a hypocrite? You’ve only been with Ryder a few weeks, and you’re in love with him.
“Did you have a fight?”
“Yeah.”
“Wanna tell me about it?”
“Not really, but she says I have to. I told her about your… boyfriend and about how sad you’ve been without him, and she said I was bein’ a dick.”
“She did? You knew I was sad?”
He nodded miserably. “Yeah. C’mon, Ma. I heard you cryin’ in your room last night, and when I told her, Izzy said it’s not fair of me to expect you to go the rest of your life alone. And then she looked up that Rye guy online, and she said I was to tell you, and I quote”—Micah groaned and rolled his eyes—“she said, ‘you better get you some of that Wyoming cowboy, or I’ll come down there and claim him for myself.’”
Pressing my lips together to stop the cackle that wanted to come out of my mouth, I took a deep breath, trying to exude mom energy instead of “ooo, you go, girlfriend” vibes.
“Go ahead,” he said. “You can laugh. I’m gonna ’cause if I don’t, I’ll cry. I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life.”
I chuckled. There, that was an appropriate mom-like reaction.
“Micah, tell Izzy to ease up on you, but tell her thanks for havin’ my back. I’m glad she asked you to talk to me because I wanted to talk to you too. She doesn’t need to be mad at you, though, ’cause I’m mad enough for the both of us. It’s time for you to accept that just ’cause I’m your mom, it doesn’t mean there aren’t things I want or that I don’t have needs.”
“Okay, but can we please not talk about sex? I don’t ever want that image in my head again.”
“I don’t really feel like talkin’ to you about sex either. Although, as, like, a quarter-life check-in, you’re usin’ condoms, right?”
“Ma!”
“Well, are you?”
“Yeah! God, Ma.”
“I won’t apologize for askin’. Babies ain’t cheap, and you’re broke.”
“Yeah, and with my luck, I’d probably end up with two.”
Going for another sip of my coffee, I winced and shrugged. “You might.”
“Listen.” Micah turned toward me, a serious look settling on his face. “If you think this guy, Rye, is okay, then I guess I can allow it. But, Ma, he’s not good enough. No one is.
“I love you, and you’ve been there for me through a lot of sh—stuff. You were strong for me and Benji when Dad died, and then you started your own business? That’s pretty badass. I admire you. I hope I can be like you, and I don’t want anyone to hurt your heart.”
“Come here,” I said, and I opened my arms.
Micah scooted into them, and I held my baby close. He still smelled the same way he had when he was nine, like potato chips and fabric softener.
“First, thank you. I love you too, and I don’t want anyone to hurt your heart either. And second”—leaning back, I smacked him lightly on his cheek, but then I pulled him into my arms again—“you’ll ‘allow it’?”
“You know what I mean,” he said, hugging me tightly. “I’ll get with the program or whatever.”
“Thank you.”
“Alright, that’s enough huggin’. I’m a grown man.”
Debatable, but I laughed and kissed his cheek. “So when do I get to meet this Izzy? But just FYI, I already approve.”
“If she takes me back, I’ll drive up there and bring her down for supper one night before I start my new job. By the way, can I borrow your car? ’Cause Benji’s gonna pitch a fit when I tell him I wanna take the truck back up to Montana. It’s on its last legs.”
“New job?”
“Yeah, Benji didn’t tell you?”
“Tell me what?”
“Rye’s mama, Mrs. Graves? She came to talk to us at the diner yesterday, and she offered us both jobs at their ranch this summer. The pay’s good. Like, really good. And Izzy says if I want her to take me seriously, I better accept the offer and learn how to cowboy ’cause her dad won’t let me marry her if I don’t.”
I almost spit out the sip of coffee I’d taken, completely forgetting he’d just said that the judgiest of all moms had hired both my children and now might possibly be a daily influence in their lives. “ Marry her?”
“Yeah, but don’t get all nuts about it. I’m talkin’ someday, not next week.”
I took a breath and released the panic that the image of my kid standing in front of an altar had created in my mind. “You think Izzy’s the one?”
“Yeah,” he said, leveling his stare on my face. “I do. Maybe. Do you think this Rye is your one? I mean, I know Dad was, but maybe it’s not so weird if you have another ‘one’.”
“He is,” I said, confirming it for Micah, but for me too. “Rye’s the only one. I love him.”
“He treats you well?”
“Better than anyone ever has, and that includes your dad. You know, don’t you, that the way your dad belittled me and treated me like a possession and a maid was wrong?”
“I know, Ma. But I guess all this time, I thought if I admitted that to myself, it felt like I was… I dunno, disrespecting his memory, you know?”
“I’ve felt the same way, but it’s the truth, Micah. And there’s nothin’ wrong with tellin’ the truth.”
He nodded. “But Rye, he doesn’t do that? He’s good to you? Does he make you laugh?”
“Yeah,” I said, smiling and letting it show on my face that Rye’s love made me feel happier than I’d ever been. “He makes me feel important and beautiful and smart. I haven’t felt those things in a long time.”
“Well,” Micah said, “then I’m glad. Alright, I better go call Izzy. She’s waitin’ for a report.”
“Tell her I say hi, and tell her you passed her test with flyin’ colors.”
He smiled, his little half grin brightening his face like his dad’s used to, and I wondered if I would ever stop feeling confused about how much I loved seeing Tommy in the boys’ expressions.
As Micah got to his feet, I remembered I’d forgotten to say the most important thing he needed to hear.
“Wait. One last thing. If you think you’re gonna get married someday to Izzy or anyone else, it’s time you learned to pick up your own dirty laundry. In fact, I remember showin’ you how to wash that laundry.” I arched an eyebrow and he nodded reluctantly. “And do the damn dishes once in a while. No woman worth her salt will stand for comin’ home to a mountain of dirty dishes in the sink while her husband drinks beer and watches NASCAR on TV.”
“Yes, ma’am.” He saluted me, and I had to hold back a laugh. Time would tell if my message had gotten through.
“And after you pee, put the mother-lovin’ toilet seat down. An old woman like me could fall through and bust a hip. Then you’ll have to help me shower after my hip-replacement surgery. Nobody wants that, Micah. Nobody .”
“Aw, God, Ma. Okay.”
“Oh yeah, and P.S., now that you’ve got good jobs, after you two pay off your landlord, if you’re gonna live here, y’all are payin’ me rent. You can buy your own groceries too. You eat enough at every meal to feed a fully grown bear emergin’ from his den in spring.”
“Yeah”—he shrugged—“that’s fair.”
“Oh, and one more thing: I like banana pancakes. Learn how to make ’em and then do somethin’ nice for me every once in a while, eh?”
He chuckled. “You got it. I can’t promise they’ll be edible, but I’ll try.”
“Love you, Emgee,” I said, using the nickname I’d given him back in kindergarten when the boys’ teacher couldn’t tell them apart. She used to check with me every day when I dropped them off to make sure who was who. If she asked them, they lied and traded places, so she separated them to opposite sides of the classroom and then stuck stickers to the backs of their shirts with their initials MG and BG between their shoulder blades, where they couldn’t reach to pull them off. It had taken them half the year to figure out they could take each other’s stickers off or switch shirts in the bathroom.
“Love you, Momgee. See ya later.”
“’Kay. Oh, hey!” I leaned over the back of the couch as he took off down the hall. “Tell Beegee what I said and tell him I wanna talk to him too.”
“Yeah, yeah.”
When Micah was safe in his bedroom from any more sex talks with his ma, I carried my mug to the now-empty kitchen sink and dumped out what was left.
I turned and leaned against the counter, thinking about what I wanted to do next.
Right.
It was time for me to bag my cowboy, just like Izzy had said.
But first, a little self-care was in order, and when you were planning to spend multiple days holed up and ravishing your man, you needed to shave and pluck and go get your gray hairs dyed.
I pulled my phone from my back pocket and clicked a few times, then held it up to my ear, and when a familiar female voice answered, I pleaded, “Ronnie. It’s an emergency. Can you fit me in?”
She laughed. “When can you get here? I’ll treat you to the whole shebang: hair, nails, toes, and yeah, I think I’m gonna need to pull out the wax if you’ve got a hot date with a cowboy.”
“Ronnie!”
“What?” she said. “Where is it you think town gossip starts? Everybody knows it’s the salon.”