Chapter 35
SARAH
imgonnagetyouback | Taylor Swift
‘I really appreciate that you, one of my dearest, closest friends, are deigning to spend time with me again.’
Zoe tutted. ‘I was never refusing to spend time with you. I just wasn’t prepared to justify your poor decision-making by paying for your alcohol.’
Once their burgers—towering monstrosities, entirely at odds with the classy decor of the cute Central London bistro Zoe had dropped a pin to—and a shared mound of hand-cut fries had been delivered to their table, Zoe said, ‘So. Tell me about the job.’
The job. In Barcelona.
Where she’d spent the previous few days looking at available flats online and researching things to do and wandering parks on Google Earth, imagining reading or sketching there on a summer’s day. All of which had left her feeling…nothing. Sarah had also braved the crowds of Central London the day before—twice in one week had to be a record for her—so she could clear her head at the National Gallery. It was the one place in the city that quieted her mind. When she’d seen a tall blonde head vanish into room 9, she’d frozen, torn between chasing after him to see if that was her tall blonde head and being too shit-scared to enter the hall housing the two Michelangelo paintings currently on loan to them, in case it was.
Zoe was asking about the job she’d spent days convincing herself she’d be excited for once she got the position. But when she’d opened her email that morning and read the words We are delighted to offer… followed by a very generous sum, she’d still felt…nothing.
No excitement for the job or the place or sunny days in the park. Still, she tried to inject some enthusiasm into her voice as she replied to Zoe. ‘They seem to really want me. Good salary, great benefits. I’ve told you how excited I am for the travel opportunities. If I accept, I’ll start next month.’
‘ If you accept? Why wouldn’t you, what with the great benefits?’
If Sarah hadn’t been slightly annoyed by the innocent tone Zoe affected, she might have laughed at the lack of subtlety. ‘My parents are here, and they’re not getting any younger.’ They were barely fifty, which Zoe well knew. ‘I don’t know if I’m ready to leave you lot.’
Zoe perked up. ‘Oh, Abby will be super on board with visiting often. Maybe I can find a nice Spanish boy… So you don’t have to worry about missing us.’
Of course, there was the other thing. The one Zoe was needling her to admit. She shook the thought away.
‘When do you need to give them an answer?’ Zoe asked.
‘Monday.’ Although excitement at the potential adventure still hadn’t hit, watching Abby and Erik closely orbit each other as they spent all weekend celebrating their love might be the push she needed to embrace a fresh start.
‘Okay.’ Zoe sighed. ‘Just promise me you’ll really think about it. Don’t… Don’t rush into it because you think what you want can’t be found here.’
Zoe led her back to the tube station on a different route than Sarah had walked earlier. It felt more meandering—she didn’t remember venturing past quite so many finance companies—but since Zoe knew the area better from her frequent lunchtime explorations, Sarah went along with her friend’s directions. Until Zoe pulled up short, yanking her phone out the pocket of her tweed skirt to angrily type a text. Seconds later, the unfortunate recipient was revealed as Zoe grumbled, ‘Sorry. I can’t believe this dickhead can’t wait ten minutes for me to get back to the office before he continues to ruin my day.’
Sarah only smirked, remembering her prediction that Zoe and her office nemesis would have slept together before the year was out. When she’d told Zoe over a coffee date a month before, her friend had yanked the plate of cheesecake they were sharing towards her, and refused to let Sarah have any more.
While she let herself be amused by her friend’s frustration, she inspected the buildings around her, a strange sense of familiarity tugging at her. Though she didn’t care for the pampered egos they housed, she enjoyed taking in the details on their facades. But when she finally turned back to look at Zoe, recognising the building directly in front of her, Sarah’s stomach plummeted with the realisation of why the buildings across the street looked so familiar, if slightly off. The last time she’d seen them, it had been from the tenth floor of the building in facing her.
Sarah counted eleven rows of windows. Counted five large panes of glass from the left. Wondered if he was at his desk, raking his fingers through his hair in frustration over something one of his idiot co-workers had said, but leaving the blonde strands somehow perfectly in place. Imagined that if he stood at the window and looked down, she would feel their gazes locking, even with the distance and one-way glass between them.
‘Zo?’
Her friend looked up in response to her strained voice, something like guilt pulling at the sides of her mouth. That explained the odd route back to the station, then.
‘I don’t want the job, do I?’
‘I like Alex.’
Abby’s eyes lifted slowly from her laptop screen.
It wasn’t how Sarah had intended to broach the subject. She’d planned to pour Abby a glass of wine, lay out the selection of meats and cheeses she’d grabbed on her way home, and carefully explain to her best friend how she felt about her brother-in-law over a charcuterie board.
She certainly hadn’t expected to blurt it out as she walked through the door to find Abby hunched on the sofa, working on her thesis.
‘Okay… I like Alex too.’ Abby seemed more confused by the state of her outburst than the words themselves. ‘I’ve been trying to tell you he’s a good guy.’
‘No.’ Sarah straightened, squaring her shoulders. ‘I like Alex. We’ve been seeing each other. Sleeping together, really. Sorry if that’s too much information. And I’ve kind of fucked things up—I don’t even know if he’ll have me, honestly, but if he will… I appreciate that if we were to date and break up, it would make things awkward for both of us and difficult for me, but I’m prepared to take that chance. Because he means a lot to me.’
Her friend’s puzzled expression had cleared while she was babbling, her eyes suddenly bright and alert. ‘Oh, thank god I don’t have to pretend anymore. Tell me everything .’
Five minutes later, Sarah was spreading cheese, prosciutto, and the good crackers from Waitrose between them while Abby poured obscenely large glasses of chardonnay.
‘You first hooked up in March ? Wait. Was Alex Bathroom Guy ?’ Abby was excitable by nature, but Sarah had never heard her voice quite so shrill.
Sarah winced. ‘Um. Yeah. Sorry for the very graphic detail about your future brother-in-law.’
Abby considered for a moment, then shrugged. ‘We’re not-related enough. Is that why you haven’t told me anything, even anonymously? You tell me everything . Case in point, I know all the details of your tryst in the club. It’s been so weird knowing you’re seeing someone and you not telling me anything about it.’ A frustrated groan slipped through her red lips. ‘I can’t believe you two just sat there at dinner acting like strangers.’
‘I thought he didn’t recognise me!’ Sarah wailed. ‘Then after he made it clear that he very much did remember me, we discussed that you would never find out. Which I doubled down on after you asked him not to fuck any of your friends.’
‘Mmm. You two really respected that, didn’t you?’
‘For about two weeks.’ Sarah had the grace to twist her face into sheepishness. ‘Although I possibly would have kissed him before your engagement party, if you hadn’t arrived at his house when you did. But the pub after the invites…’
‘You fucked in a bathroom again ? Babe, I’m not judging, but you should maybe, like, be tested for something?’
‘It was just kissing that time. Which I put a stop to because, well, you, and also I was pretty sure I hated him. Then we went to book the flowers, and he insisted you get your daisies, and he was kind of rude to this gross co-worker of his, which I found weirdly hot? So when he drove me home…’
Abby squealed, and Sarah wondered why she’d been so scared to tell her in the first place. Could she really conceive of a world where her best friend wouldn’t support her following her heart?
‘And we insisted— I insisted—it was a one-time thing. Or two-time, I guess.’
A scoff was tossed her way. ‘When, in the history of romance, has that ever worked?’
‘ Anyway , that was supposed to be the end of it, but then he showed up at Zoe’s party, and he looked so good, and he was jealous of me dancing with that girl, and…when he invited me to go home with him, I did. And we’ve sort of been taking every opportunity to see each other since.’ Sarah paused for a moment, her mind snagging on something Abby had said after her initial outburst. ‘Wait, what do you mean you’re glad you don’t have to pretend anymore?’ Had Alex told her? If he had, when? And what did that mean for how he felt about her now?
A soft pink blush stained her friend’s cheeks. ‘You two haven’t exactly been subtle. You wore his jumper for like three days solid, in decidedly non-jumper-worthy weather. And there were other tells.’ She shrugged. ‘Tell me how you fucked things up.’
Sarah steeled herself. ‘I was offered a job. In Barcelona. I’m not taking it,’ she said quickly, noting Abby’s already widening eyes. ‘But I was considering it, and Alex found out, and I think he thought I was running away from him. Which,’ she continued sheepishly, ‘I guess I was.’
Abby’s mouth twisted, discomfort flashing across her face.
‘What?’
‘Alex doesn’t let a lot of people see him. That he’s so much more than that ridiculous image he projects. He barely shows me that side of him, at least not intentionally. I’ve just known him long enough to call bullshit. You once said you couldn’t believe Alex and Erik are related, because they’re so different. But really, I think they’re each other’s perfect inverse. Erik wears his softness like armour, so it can’t be used against him. He’s gentle and kind and loving, but he’s also a little shit when he’s comfortable with you. And Alex… The charm, the flirting, the dimple—it’s all to hide every bit of vulnerability he feels. So if he let you in, if he let you see that softness he guards so much—tries to hide from us, even—it means he cares . And if Alex cares about you, he’s not going to let you go. That’s another way he’s like his brother.’ A gentle smile pulled at her lips.
‘I think he does. Care, I mean. He looks at me like…like he never wants to look anywhere else.’ She hadn’t let herself notice until Saturday night. There’d been glances before, moments when she would catch him looking. But they’d been fleeting. He’d always looked away. Until that dinner. She’d looked up from her phone after checking a text from her mum and seen him staring unabashedly, hunger in his eyes. Not lustful—well, maybe a little lustful—but mostly like he wanted more of every part of her, including all the bits that weren’t physical. ‘At least—’ Sarah’s next words didn’t come out, halted in her throat by the sound of their front door clicking open.
Abby had her back to the entryway, so she didn’t see it happen. And Sarah wondered if she had any idea how her fiancé transformed when he saw her. Because Erik’s shoulders, slumped with exhaustion when he walked through the door, straightened the second he laid eyes on his girl. His flattened mouth lifted on both sides, and his face softened with longing.
‘Hello, Sunshine,’ he murmured into her neck when he reached her, arms sliding around her waist.
For her part, Abby’s head fell back against his shoulder, a content smile spreading across her face.
‘Have you eaten?’ His eyes flicked to Sarah, an apologetic smile following the movement as he realised he hadn’t greeted her. He did that sometimes, too consumed by the person in his arms to fully take in his surroundings. He was trying to work on it, at least.
Sarah let them talk while she cleared away the remnants of their food and refilled their wine, taking out a fresh glass for Erik, although he’d already started sipping from her friend’s drink.
For months, Sarah had shared their space with ease, telling herself she didn’t mind the longing looks and softly spoken words and displays of affection that were occasionally inappropriate for company. They were deeply, deeply in love, and it was a beautiful thing to witness, even if occasionally she found their relationship cloying.
But now, thoughts of Alex pervading her mind, it was easy to admit she wanted what they had. That envy clawed at her from the inside when she witnessed the casual intimacy they shared. The simple devotion. The peace and quiet joy that wrapped closely around them. She wanted to walk into a room and not see half its occupants because she was too captivated by her partner.
Sarah had never had a relationship that looked anything like theirs. But Alex… He made the world feel alive with possibility.
If she could only convince him to take the leap with her.
Erik continued standing while he tapped at his phone, ordering food from a nearby Italian place. His usual choice of lasagne and a pizza he’d thrown in for the two of them because ‘ a charcuterie board isn’t a meal . ’ When he was done, Erik took another large sip of Abby’s wine—he hadn’t touched his own glass yet—grasped her firmly by the chin and kissed her, smiling through it. ‘I’m going to shower, then hole up in our room. Bring my food through when it gets here?’
Abby nodded, her face utterly love-struck. Another painfully sweet smile passed between them before Erik pressed a kiss to the top of her head, then disappeared into the bathroom.
‘Is he okay?’ Sarah asked, thinking on his posture when he’d walked in. He always looked tired, but worse tonight than usual.
‘He had a fight with Alex last night. Just brother stuff,’ Abby added, when Sarah’s eyes flared in panic. ‘I think there are some…unresolved issues from when we were kids, and they got into it at the gym of all places.’ Abby looked down at her fingers, and Sarah placed a hand over hers just in time to stop her picking at a nail, freshly manicured and wedding-ready. ‘Alex isn’t wrong. Erik and I… I know we can be selfish. Were selfish, as kids. It was the two of us against the world, when really, it should have been us three. And it wouldn’t surprise me if…’ Abby sighed. Twisted the end of her ponytail. Picked at the sleeve of her t-shirt. ‘It wouldn’t surprise me if that’s where some of his relationship resistance comes from. I know he felt unwanted and unwelcome, and I can’t help worrying that he’s carried that with him his whole life, and that’s why he’s so… him . But based on the timeline you gave me, based on the way he’s been different these past few weeks, being with you was making him so happy, Sarah.’
‘He makes me happy too.’ It was impossible to forget the ball of warmth that had ignited in her chest the first time she heard their laughs mingle together. The way her body called out for his if he was close but not touching her.
‘What was holding you back?’ Abby shifted her hand, bringing it to rest on top of Sarah’s now. Throughout their uni years, they’d had a million 2 a.m. conversations positioned exactly the same way.
‘When I realised I had feelings for him, I got really scared, really fast. We’re so different— I’m so different from the women he usually goes for—I couldn’t imagine it working out. Add the possibility of losing you if things went south and you had to choose—I wasn’t prepared to even consider that. Plus, after Gregg…’ She looked down, ashamed even to suggest that Alex could be lumped in with him. ‘I didn’t want to get hurt again.’
‘But now?’ Abby asked.
‘Now I’ve decided it’s worth it—he’s worth it. Being with him, even if it’s not forever, is worth not playing it safe.’
‘I think,’ Abby said slowly, ‘that all these years, all the women, that’s all he’s been looking for. Someone who thinks he’s worth all of it. Also, you know you’re stuck with me forever, right? If the worst happens, I guess we can rotate custody. Alternate which events you and Alex attend. But you’re my soulmate as much as Erik is.’ Her eyes flicked to the bathroom door. ‘I was so scared of things not working out that I almost fucked up my own happiness. And now I get to marry my favourite person in two days. But…’ She bit her lips, even white teeth sinking into red lipstick. ‘If Alex thinks you gave up on the two of you, you’re going to have to show him you really want it. Want him. I think he’s going to need to feel loved and secure and know you’re in this for the long haul before he’s willing to risk it.’
Loved.
It didn’t seem that far from what she felt.
‘I know I could make him believe I want this. But I texted him two hours ago, and he still hasn’t responded.’ Another glance at her phone confirmed this was still the case. ‘Even when we’ve gone days without seeing each other, he’s never taken this long to reply. He once sexted me from a meeting with half his company around him.’
‘That bastard took two days to reply to my text asking what he had already bought his mum for her birthday,’ Abby muttered, shaking her head.
‘I had an idea. Something I could give him to show him how I feel. But if he won’t even talk to me…’
And then she saw her friend shift into hopeless romantic mode as she straightened her back and wrapped a curl around her finger, face thoughtful. After a moment, Abby said, ‘I hear there’s a wedding coming up. Sounds like the perfect place for a grand gesture.’