18. EIGHTEEN
EIGHTEEN
Natalia
I wake feeling strange, with the blankets tossed off the bed and sweat on my brow. My breasts don’t feel tight and swollen like they did when my milk first came in, but they feel heavy and full, and between my legs I’m throbbing.
I never expected to feel so aroused by breastfeeding a child, and I wonder if there’s something the matter with me. Do other women feel this? Is this because of the magical way my milk was induced?
For a moment I’m confused, not remembering how I got to bed, then my body flushes and a wave of heat overtakes me as I remember the sensation of being lifted and carried to bed, secure in Colton’s strong grasp.
I said something to him as he laid me down, but I can’t remember what.
I hope he’s not angry about what happened.
Some sixth sense must have woken me, because a few minutes later, just as my eyes are drifting closed again, I hear the first of Jayden’s cries. I swing my feet over the side of the bed, but before I can get up, Colton ducks his head around the door frame. “I’ll get him. Just wait here.”
I blink. He’s still awake? I thought he was leaving first thing in the morning.
I hear him talking to Jadyen as he carries his son down the hall, his footsteps heavy despite his careful tread. “She’s just here, buddy. Any minute now, OK?”
Jayden’s cries grow louder as Colton brings him close to me, but he just holds the baby tight, rocking him gently until I’m ready to take him.
Despite being faster at getting him into position, I’m still leaking by the time I get him settled. Colton fetches a towel without me asking and cleans me up.
“Thank you.” It’s hard to meet his eye. I can’t stop thinking about the kiss and the way I mounted his leg before I stopped myself.
“So there are some things you should know about me,” Colton says, breaking the silence.
I look up in surprise. He sits cautiously on the edge of the bed, leaning forward to brace his arms on his knees. “I have this knack for rushing into things. For getting carried away and getting feelings way too fast when they’re not reciprocated.”
Guilt twists in my chest because that’s exactly what I was worried was happening.
“But I don’t think that’s what’s happened here,” he says.
Oh!
“What do you think has happened?” I hold my breath, waiting for him to tell me it was just lust and he’s over it. Isn’t that what I want? I sure thought so. But waiting for him to say it out loud feels strangely horrible.
He pauses, looking down at the floor between his feet.
“In the past I’ve always mistaken those feelings for what it would feel like to find her.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m drawn to you. So much I find it hard to think straight when I’m around you sometimes.
Like now.” He huffs a self-depreciating laugh.
“Can’t get the words to come out right.”
“But you weren’t serious before about me being your fated mate?”
“I couldn’t have been more serious. I went about it the wrong way. I know that and I’m sorry. I won’t make that mistake again. I won’t push. I know what you’ve been through. But I need you to know that, when you’re ready to explore that, I’ll be right here waiting, because now I’m sure.”
“But you can’t be!” Jayden lifts his head to stare at my outburst. With a frustrated sound, I reattach him and refocus my attention on Colton. “You can’t be.”
“I am. As soon as I smelled your milk coming in, I should have known it. But when I tasted you—” His Adam’s apple bobs and his expression turns heated for a moment. “I knew.”
I shake my head. “It can’t be me, though. Leroy found my abuela’s diary. Turns out she wasn’t even a shifter. That’s why she left Mosswood. She never fit in. So how could I be your fated mate?”
Colton just shrugs. “I don’t know. But I do know that it’s you. You don’t have to believe me yet. You don’t have to say or do anything you don’t want to. My bull has recognized your scent.”
I stare at him in disbelief. How can he say those things to me after what I told him?
How can he claim to want to wait for me when the guy I thought was going to marry me wouldn’t even walk down the aisle?
“You need to stop,” I hiss, trying not to disturb Jayden.
The tears escape me and trickle down my cheeks.
Colton stands, lifting his hands in the air. “I’ll stop. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I just needed you to know I’m not angry. About any of this. I hope you’re not angry with me and that you don’t regret nursing Jayden.”
I look down at the sweet little boy in my lap. “I could never regret that. This is the most beautiful gift anyone has ever given me. How could I be angry? I just think we’ve both been on a rollercoaster with all of this. When we think about this rationally, I think we’ll both see that.”
He looks like he wants to argue, but he just shakes his head. “I’ll be away for the next three nights, which will give us both time to cool off. Can we talk about it again when I get back?”
I chew my lip, switching Jayden to the other side before answering. “I don’t know, Colton. I don’t think it’s a good idea.”
He sighs. “OK. I understand. But I need you to know I’ll be right here when you are ready. I don’t care how long it takes.”
I look at him standing there, so honest, so resigned.
It breaks my heart to hurt him, but he can’t be right.
I can’t be his fated mate. It would hurt him more to go through with a match that wasn’t right.
That wasn’t everything he’s been waiting for.
And what if he finds his real mate years into any relationship we had?
That would break me.
He bends to kiss Jayden on the top of his head, and despite everything that’s passed between us, my nipples tingle at the nearness of him.
Then he straightens. “Goodnight. Wake me if you need anything and call me for any reason while I’m gone. If it’s a call from you, I’ll always answer.”
I look up into his eyes, wishing there was something kind I could think of to say.
He waits, eyes fixed on me.
“Goodnight,” I say at last.
He turns and walks from the room, closing the door softly behind him, leaving me with the warm, sleepy baby in my arms and the feeling that I’ve let the best thing that’s ever happened to me walk out of my life before I even gave it a proper chance.
Colton is gone before Jayden and I wake the next morning. It feels strange being in his house with him gone. I mean, I’ve taken care of Jayden by myself before, but this time he won’t be back for several nights.
Jayden’s cries get louder, and I hurry out of bed to pick him up.
He cries louder still, and I hush him as I sit, pulling down my tank top to help him latch on.
He drinks hungrily, which is a relief. I am swollen and sore again.
I check the temperature of the room on the tiny thermometer, wondering if I should turn the heater down, but it’s not even sixty degrees in the room.
I’m sitting here in a tank top and pajama shorts feeling like I need to open the window.
I drag another blanket over Jayden and wait until he’s fed from both sides, then I sit him in his bouncer while I make breakfast. Caring for him for this length of time with no breaks and no help is going to be a challenge.
I’ll have to juggle doing all the things I’d normally do for myself while Colton has him while also keeping him happy.
Colton asked if I wanted his parents to come help me out, but I wanted to do it myself.
After everything that’s happened, it feels like the least I could do.
By the afternoon, I’m overheated and struggling to focus on the tasks I need to get done.
It doesn’t feel like a flu or a cold because I’m not lethargic and don’t have a headache.
I feel strange. Restless and more energetic than usual.
I wipe down every surface I can reach, taking all the books off the shelves to dust them, cleaning the baseboards and the window frames while I’m at it.
Jayden coos to me from his bouncer or rides in a harness strapped to my chest.
I can’t concentrate on the words of the songs I put on to listen to.
Every so often I get vivid flashes of daydreams that grow progressively more erotic.
I shut my eyes to the image of Colton lifting my legs over his shoulders, my back pressed against the wall so he can lick my pussy with a long, powerful tongue.
I cover my mouth to smother the moan that wants to burst from me, but a moment later I’m picturing him plunging inside me in deep strokes that shake my breasts and fill my pussy almost to the point of pain.
I lean forward, bracing my hand on the wall, breathing hard. What is happening to me?
My nipples are leaking, and when I straighten, I’m so damp between the thighs it’s trickling down my leg.
Shaken, I put Jayden into his bouncer and fetch my phone. Colton did say to call if I needed him for anything, but rampant horniness doesn’t feel like a reason to call my employer.
That’s all this is, right?
There’s nothing actually the matter with me.
Shaking my head, I stash the phone back in my pocket. Not making that his problem. Not again. I don’t need to make things any more awkward between us than I have already.
Jayden picks up on my restlessness, and it takes him an age to go down for his afternoon nap. When I finally have him settled, I check my phone, only to find a strange message from an unknown user who isn’t on my friend list.
Unknown user: I know the truth. You’re not who you say you are. Leave Colton alone. Or else.
Thoroughly creeped out, I block the sender and shut the app. I do not need that shit in my life. Not at all.
Instead I pour myself a glass of juice and call Elisa.
She picks up after a few rings. “Hey, prima. How are things? What’s the gossip?”
I laugh uncomfortably. “Oh, no gossip, but I did find Abuela’s diary. I haven’t read it all yet, but I did find out some answers. Want me to fill you in?”
“Oh my god, yes. Hold up. Let me get myself a drink.”
It’s funny, but with everything that’s been happening, I haven’t even thought about drinking myself. I don’t miss alcohol at all. Not when I have my sweet baby boy to care for.
It’s dangerous thinking, since he’s not mine at all, but just for a little while, I can pretend.