33. State of Survival
Chapter 33
State of Survival
"Kiara!" Julia hollers from the foyer. "Hurry up! The stores will be closing soon!"
"Who goes shopping on Christmas eve?" I call out from the powder room as I apply one more layer of taupe lipstick. "And didn't you already buy all your gifts?"
"Yes, but I want to buy more!" she shouts. "Come on, Kiara! Luisa's waiting for us in the car!"
I jog toward the front entrance, scowling at her. "Jules, I'm so tired, I don't want to go," I complain as she loops her arm through mine and drags me out of the house. "Can't the two of you go by yourselves?"
"And leave you alone so you can stare at the clock until my brother returns tomorrow? I don't think so!" She opens the backdoor to the SUV. "Get in!"
"Fine!" I grumble, sliding in beside Luisa. "Hi."
"Hi," she says hesitantly, scanning my face. "Are you okay? You don't look well."
"I—"
"She is fine!" Julia huffs as our driver starts the car and pulls out of the driveway. "And if she's not fine now she will be in ten minutes. Shopping fixes all problems. I'm a psychologist, trust me."
I roll my eyes. "I don't think that's factual."
Julia purses her lips as she scowls at me. "Studies have shown that shopping releases Serotonin which is a hormone that contributes to a person's happiness. So yes, it is factual, Kiara ."
"I'm not sad ," I protest, crossing my arms defensively. "I'm just tired."
"If you are not sad then why do you have that look in your eyes? Hmm? It is alright to be sad, Kiara, it does not make you weak, it makes you human," Julia says, cocking her head, her expression softening as she catches my slight frown. "What is wrong, cara? You can talk to us. We can help."
"I'm not sad," I double down, biting my bottom lip as my gaze bounces between Luisa and Julia. "I'm just—" I let out a defeated sigh, fiddling with my nana's necklace, Antonia's words muddling my mind. Do not hurt my baby. "I'm just confused and frustrated and tired."
"About Milo's proposal?" Luisa asks, shifting her body toward me. "Have you still not decided?"
“No. Not yet…”
"Talk to us, maybe we can help," Julia offers again. "Please?"
"Fine.” I press a button on the console and raise the divider. Luisa and Julia give me their undivided attention as I lean back into my seat. "I feel like these past few days I've been stuck in this endless loop, and I can't seem to get out of it. It's like there's something holding me back from giving him an answer." I pause, my face falling. "And I don't know what it is. "
"It's your brain, cara," Julia states with a weak smile. "That is the problem."
"My brain?" I knit my brows together. "What are you talking about?"
"Here we go," Luisa chuckles, tossing me a knowing side-eye. "The doctor has arrived."
"Oh, shut up." Julia casts Luisa a scowl before turning her attention back to me. "Listen, Kiara, in psychology, there is a concept of the Triune brain. Basically, a person's brain is broken up into three sections: the brain stem or survival state, the limbic system, the emotional state, and the prefrontal cortex, the executive state."
I blink. "Okay? And?"
"Well, the executive part of our brains helps us with problem-solving and making intentional decisions, only humans have this ability. The survival and emotional states exist in all mammals, they are instinctive, evolutionary. When a person is in a state of stress, their brains automatically default to the lower levels, emotional and survival. You are stuck in survival, Kiara. Milo hurt you and you are scared of being hurt again. Your brain is perceiving him as a threat, it is unable to differentiate between being chased by a lion and accepting a proposal."
"It is true," Luisa adds, drawing my attention. "Last year when I went through a break-up, I did not understand why it was taking so long to get over it. Julia said it was because my emotional state was preventing my executive state from letting me move on. Inside my brain, that break up was almost like being abandoned by my herd. It was why I was so upset over such a short relationship."
"Well, what the fuck am I supposed to do then?" I ask, flapping my arms. "How am I supposed to control my brain? You're not being very helpful right now, Jules. "
"It is important to be aware of how your thoughts impact these states, Kiara. In order to move away from the survival state, you need to feel safe. You need to reassure your brain that you are not in danger, that Milo is not a threat."
"How do I do that?"
"You must believe it, cara," Julia says. "You cannot trick your body or your brain. You must be assertive, not passive in accepting change. And a proposal, a marriage, would be a big change. Your brain is trying to protect you. It is trying to keep you safe. But if you want clarity, you must take control of your feelings, your emotions. Do not let your primal instincts dictate your choices."
Mind over matter.
I close my eyes, taking in a deep breath. "He's not a threat," I whisper. Milo's soft touch, smooth voice, and comforting smell fills my mind. "He is not a threat."
"No, he is not, he loves you, cara," Julia hums, caressing my hand. "You must understand that he too has been stuck in the survival state for so long, practically his whole life."
My eyelids flutter open. "He has?"
"Of course," Julia says. "The men in this family, they do not trust because they are in a constant state of survival. It is their number one priority, always. It is difficult to rewire your brain, but Milo, he is trying. You were also once a threat to him. Remember that."
"I hadn't thought about it like that before," I say, flicking my nails. "But it makes sense."
I'm not the only one who's taking a chance. It's not just me. Relationships are not one-sided. There are two of us. Two people. Two hearts. Both equally vulnerable. Both equally scared.
The fear of loss is crippling. The fear of heartbreak is debilitating. But the fear of being unable to love someone? That's unacceptable.
Milo is not a threat. He's not. I know this. I do. He's not a fucking threat. Do you hear that, brain? He's a blessing. A fucking gift. He was brought into my life not to destroy me but to heal me.
I don't want to just survive. I want to live. I want to thrive. I want control.
I want love.
The car comes to a halt, snapping me out of my head.
"I know you're tired, cara," Julia says, getting out of the car as Luisa and I follow suit. "But let's try to enjoy ourselves, yes?"
"Two hours," I say, suppressing a yawn. "Then we're leaving, okay?"
"Two, four, something like that," Julia mutters as we stop outside the door to Mimibella. "Maybe you can find a gift for Milo inside."
My eyes widen. "Oh my God, I didn't get him anything. Is he going to expect a Christmas present? Julia!"
"Dio, relax! You are so wound up all the time!" Julia huffs. "We will find something; we have all day."
"You guys go in," I mumble, fishing my phone from my purse. "I need to make a call."
"Fine! Don't be too long, I need opinions," Julia says.
"Julia," Luisa whispers, nodding at our silent guards. "Can you?"
"We do not need you," Julia says, addressing Gio and Mateo. "Go for a walk."
"We are not supposed to leave you," Gio says.
Julia's expression hardens. "I said go." Gio and Mateo exchange a conflicted look before striding away. "Okay, Kiara, you have one minute then I am dragging you inside, yes?"
"Okay, okay."
Unlocking my phone, I dial Milo's number, staring into the store as I pace back and forth in front of the semi frosted windows of the lingerie store. Claudia, the sales associate, rounds the checkout counter, throwing her arms around Luisa. She tucks back a piece of Luisa's hair as she gives her a lingering kiss. My mouth drops as the line continues to ring in my ear. Oh…
"Tesoro, do you miss me already?" Milo asks in a cheeky tone. "I have only been gone a few hours."
"Uh—" I stammer, clearing my throat as I notice a rosy hue spread on Luisa's face. Claudia giggles, biting her lip as they talk.
"Kiara? Are you there?"
"Yeah, sorry," I mutter, expelling a nervous laugh as I turn around, giving the two women some privacy. "Um, how are you?"
"Is something the matter? You sound strange."
"No, no, everything is fine, I'm just shopping with your sister and Luisa.” I narrow my eyes at Gio and Mateo who are smoking half a block down. Is that why Julia sent them away? They don't know?
"Kiara?"
"Yes?"
"Why did you call me?"
I blink. "Right, um...is there anything you want for Christmas?"
Milo chuckles. "I want you to say yes."
I suppress a grin. "Something perhaps that I can buy in a store?"
"No," he says in a gentle tone. "I do not need anything else." He pauses, muffled voices in the distance. "I must go now, tesoro."
"Okay," I say, my body humming with elation. "Oh, and I do."
"You do what?"
"I miss you."
"I miss you too, Kiara," Milo whispers. "I would much rather be with you right now, believe me."
"Can you come back tonight instead?" He is not a threat . "I don't want to sleep alone again. It's Christmas Eve. We should be together."
"I will try, Kiara." Milo's deep breath fills my ears. "But it might be late."
"Then wake me up."
"I will. See you soon, tesoro."
"Bye." Hanging up, I enter the store and immediately dart to Julia. "Hey, Jules!" I tug on her sleeve. "Are Luisa and Claudia?—"
"We are." Luisa's voice startles me, and I spin around. "But please do not tell Milo. No one knows. Promise me, Kiara? I am trusting you."
"Would Milo care?" I ask, frowning.
"I don't know," Luisa sighs, her gaze darting to her girlfriend. "It is forbidden. I would rather not risk it. If my father ever found out—" She closes her eyes. "Please do not say anything."
"I won't," I say, squeezing her hand. "Thank you for trusting me though. That means a lot."
"And you can also trust me," she says. "I would like for us to be friends, Kiara."
"We are," I smile, nodding toward Claudia. "So how did you meet?"
"We were getting fitted for bras this past summer," Julia pipes up, tossing Luisa a smirk. "She liked it more than I did."
Luisa rolls her eyes. "The way you tell the story makes it sound so romantic, Julia. Thank you."
"I have a way with words," Julia teases, handing me a white lingerie set. "Try this one. It will make you look like a slutty angel. Perfect for your wedding night."
"Oh my God, Jules, stop," I say, shoving it back into her hands. "I haven't said yes."
"But you will!" she sings in a taunting tone, striding away from me.
"Ignore her," Luisa says. "It is your decision to make, Kiara. Do not feel pressured." She nods to the counter. "Would you like to officially meet Claudia?"
"Of course, I'd love to." I hesitate, before stating, "I'm sorry you have to keep your relationship a secret. It's not fair."
"I do not have the power to change tradition," she says, smiling at me. "But you do...or you will."
"I thought you said no pressure," I say, casting her a playful scowl. "That seems like a lot of pressure."
"It is important to seize opportunities, my father taught me that." Luisa shrugs unapologetically, gazing adoringly at Claudia. "I was scared too, Kiara, but I decided to choose love over fear. I had to be honest with myself, that took a long time, but once I accepted my feelings, I felt whole." She glances at me. "So be honest with yourself, Kiara, and choose love."
"You're willing to risk everything for her?"
"I don't want to die with regrets."
Neither do I.