41. Salt
FORTY-ONE
SALT
I was fucking cursed. I knew I was cursed. I don’t know why I thought anything would ever be any different.
Everyone always left. It didn’t matter what I tried to do differently. It didn’t matter that I’d gone to therapy and worked on myself and made sure I was a good person, because fuck .
I was good.
Just not good enough.
I slammed back a shot of vodka, the burn of it rushing down my throat. I felt sick. The alcohol couldn’t chase her away, no matter how many shots I did.
My vision swam as I read Pepper’s text message again.
Simon, we’re done. When I return to Nashville, you’ll be nothing more than a client. You aren’t good enough for me. I deserve someone better.
My breaths shortened again. The pain radiating through my entire body was breaking me. I tried calling her for the fifteenth time, but it went straight to voicemail.
“Fuck this,” I rasped.
I grabbed my phone and threw it across the house as hard as I could. It hit the mirror above the couch, shattering the glass and sending shards flying everywhere.
I wanted to break everything.
Fuck.
I was just like my father, wasn’t I? Panic rushed through me. What the fuck was I doing? I grabbed the bottle and tipped it down the sink, gripping the edge of the counter.
Fuck. My thoughts continued to spiral. I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to understand what I’d missed. What had I missed? Where did I go wrong?
I loved her. I loved her so much, and it wasn’t supposed to be this way. It didn’t matter that our lives had crashed together, they were meant to be intertwined.
I’d missed something. We’d fallen into everything so fast, but it’d felt so right that I never stopped to second-guess it. Did something go wrong in one of our kink scenes?
Did I hurt her?
The fear of hurting her made it hard to breathe.
I looked back up at the mirror and cursed. Some of the shards had stayed in the frame, and I could see myself.
I needed help.
My head tipped back as tears started to fall. I needed to call Nancy. Because this was too much, and I couldn’t handle this alone.
Finally, I left the kitchen and went into the living room. I was wearing my shoes, at least. The glass crunched underfoot until I found my phone, my hands shaking as I texted Nancy.
I need help please. I’m sorry.
Are you at home?
Yes
I’ll be there ASAP
Don’t bring Beth
I couldn’t let Beth see me like this. Fuck, she’d been right to warn me, hadn’t she? I’d burned too hot and fast and now everything was on fire.
I tried calling Pepper again, but it went to voicemail. “Pepper,” I rasped. “Please fucking call me back. I don’t understand what’s going on.”
Ending the message, I wiped my eyes and stepped away from the majority of the glass covering the floor, until I found a spot that seemed clear enough and sat down.
And I cried.
I hated crying. All the years of abuse from my father growing up, and I’d learned how to hold the tears in. But I wasn’t strong enough to do that anymore, so I just let them fall.
A soft knock eventually sounded, but I barely noticed it. The sound of the front door opening had my head lifting.
“Simon?” Nancy’s voice followed. “There you are.”
I looked up at her and didn’t say anything. She looked around the living room for a moment, but she didn’t look horrified. Instead, she refocused on me. “What happened?”
“She broke it off.”
Nancy shut her eyes for a moment, her expression flickering with a wince, but then she opened them and came over to me. “Christ, did you have a drink?”
“Yeah. Why the fuck am I so cursed?”
She knelt down slowly and pressed her lips together. “You’re not cursed, Simon.”
“I feel like I am,” I whispered. “Everyone always leaves. Everyone?—”
“Beth and I will never leave you.”
“You will one day, I’m sure.”
Her brows drew together. “We won’t.”
“How can you possibly know?”
“Because we love you.” She shrugged her shoulders. “It’s that easy. You want to know a secret?”
“Not really.”
“Well, that’s too damn bad.” She turned her head, glancing at the living room. Embarrassment crept in at the sight of the broken mirror.
“I didn’t mean for that to happen,” I whispered. “I tossed my phone too hard and it broke.”
Nancy nodded slowly and then looked back at me. “The secret is that we’re all cursed, Simon. Every single one of us. We all carry the weight of those who have harmed us. The feeling that we aren’t good enough. That we don’t deserve to be here. That we don’t deserve love.”
Fuck. My vision blurred with more tears.
“We all carry curses. But you know what else? We also carry the ability to break them.”
“How?” I bit out. “How am I supposed to? I don’t want to be anything like him. And I feel like… I don’t know. I don’t know, Nancy. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have called, I shouldn’t have?—”
“You did the right thing by calling,” she said. “And the way you break a curse is by doing exactly what you’ve been doing. You found your music. You created a future for yourself that is nothing like your father. You are nothing like him.”
“I’m more like him than not,” I whispered back. “You just don’t know what I’m really like. You don’t know who I really am. I don’t understand why the two of you are so kind to me. I’ve never done anything for you. All I’ve done is eat your food and be a pain in the ass. Why did you even bother stopping me all those years ago?”
“Because once I broke my curse, I wanted to help other people break theirs,” she said. “I know exactly what it feels like to carry the burden of a parent who didn’t love you the way they should have. I know exactly what it feels like to fall apart and think everyone hates you. I’ve lived through it, kid. The Nancy you know now is not the same woman I was years ago. Before Beth.”
I shook my head. “Did Beth change you? Did she fix you?”
“No,” she said. “Of course not. I fixed myself. Did loving Beth make me a better person? Yes. But I had to do the work myself. I had to be the one to grow.”
“I tried,” I said, my voice breaking. “I tried. I tried so hard this time. I love her. I don’t know what I did wrong. I don’t know what happened.”
“I can’t tell you. I’m surprised, because I know what love looks like, and I think she loved you back. I think you should give everything some time. I’m sure she’ll come around.”
“She told me she was done.”
“And she may be for now,” Nancy said patiently. “And I know it hurts, but if that’s the case, you have to be done for now, too.”
“I don’t want to be, though. We talked about our future together. We talked about what it would be like. It doesn’t make any sense.”
She released a slow sigh. “I don’t have the answer for that. But I do know we need to get some food in you. And maybe be prepared for you to throw up. Plus, you cut yourself on some of the glass, so you need bandaids too.”
I looked down at my hands. I hadn’t even noticed.
Nancy stood up and held out her hand. When I didn’t immediately take it, she nudged me with her boot. “Get up.”
“I don’t want to,” I muttered. “I wish I could just stop feeling this way.”
“Wishing isn’t going to get you anywhere. No one else can do this for you. You have to love yourself enough to break the curse first. And then she can love you enough to remind you that you were never cursed to begin with. Now, get up .”