Chapter 18
Chapter Eighteen
Kendall
My question from that morning bounced around in my thoughts over and over throughout the day. All this time, while I crushed so hard on Jude and had been so afraid, now those fears were massive in my heart. What if we did screw it all up?
I took a shaky breath as I waited for the vets to arrive at the rescue program. We had a vet check this morning on the pigs, the goats, and one of the horses. There was always something to do, but I was so anxious that I was pacing aimlessly as I waited.
Jude and I had managed to have a sort of conversation about it and agreed we didn’t need to make it public yet. Nobody would be surprised that we were hanging out together, and we didn’t want too many questions, but I was fretting.
“Hey!” a voice called, and I glanced over to see Alice, the vet, approaching with Farrah, the vet tech.
Spinning around, I grinned. “Hey, hey!”
Farrah reached me first. “Well, hey there! It’s been a minute since I saw you.”
“I know, you all haven’t been out here in a couple months.”
Alice stopped beside Farrah, her ponytail swinging as she glanced around. “That’s always a good sign.”
“What do you mean?” I returned.
She leaned down to pet the goats, who came trotting over to greet her. “Well, that means no emergencies, just routine calls,” Alice offered dryly.
Farrah pulled out a computer tablet and tapped on the screen. “All right, so what are we doing today?”
In short order, they took care of everything needed. Farrah pulled out her bucket of treats at the end, doling them out to every animal in the rescue. “I have to use some bribery, so they’re happy to see us next time we come,” she teased.
Alice paused as she was tucking away her equipment. “Have you been out to card night yet?”
I sighed. “No. I keep meaning to.”
“You’re always invited,” Farrah pointed out.
“I know. Every time I try to go, something comes up,” I explained. What went unsaid was that something was usually related to my troublesome brother.
Although things had been quiet ever since his most recent DUI, I hoped that meant he was staying out of trouble.
“We’re meeting at Maisie’s tonight. You should come,” Farrah said.
I had gotten to know Farrah when she moved to town and rented an apartment across the hallway in the very place that I moved into after Janet added another small studio apartment.
“Tonight?”
They nodded in unison. “Six o’clock. Good food, good friends.”
“You look.” Alice paused as she studied me. “A little stressed. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” I said, probably too quickly.
I didn’t even know how to explain how I was. I was fine, except now I’d spun myself into a mental tizzy about Jude. I’d felt so bold, pushing for more than a kiss.
In hindsight, a kiss, even two, even three, was a line that I could back away from. But now, Jude was the first man I’d had an orgasm with. Back to the letdown of kisses before Jude, no orgasms to be had. I took a quick breath.
“Okay, I’ll try to make it,” I said.
Alice and I had been in high school together. She’d been a few years ahead, my brother’s age, actually. As if she’d read my thoughts, she asked, “How’s Blake, by the way?”
“He’s good,” I said, a little too quickly.
Part of being the default parent figure in your entire family meant trying to pretend like everything was okay, because you didn’t want anybody to wonder too much if it wasn’t.
“You’re that one, aren’t you?” Alice said.
“What do you mean?” I hedged.
“From what I can tell, and I say this with kindness, because I like your brother, but he’s always funny and always the life of the party. Sometimes that’s not so great,” she said, her words careful.
Emotion rushed upward in my chest, and I wanted to cry.
“Hey, it’s okay,” Farrah said. She pulled me into a hug. “What are you worrying about?” She stepped back, giving me a reassuring squeeze on my shoulders.
I didn’t even know how to put words to it.
I swiped at my tears with my fingertips and took a shaky breath.
“I’m fine,” I insisted. “I really am. It’s just, well, Alice knows.
I love my brother, but he’s an alcoholic, and I love my parents, but they don’t pay that much attention to anything.
” I shrugged, twisting my lips to the side.
“I’ve always been the one who took care of everything.
One of those card nights I missed, I had to go help my brother.
I just…” A sigh slipped out. “Anyway, so I guess I’ve kind of kept to myself. ”
“Well, stop that,” Farrah said, stomping her foot with dramatic flair. “We all have messy lives.”
“All of us.” Alice nodded. “Maybe if you stop trying to pretend like everything’s fine, other people might pick up the slack. That takes a lot of work,” she pointed out gently.
It felt as if Alice had handed me a small present containing a kernel of information that I hadn’t considered, even though it appeared obvious just now. “Text me and I’ll be at the next one.”
“It’s tonight. Did you miss that detail?” Farrah’s tone was dry.
I bit my lip with my sheepish smile. “Okay, tonight. I’ll be there.”
“Pinky swear?” Farrah pressed.
We hooked our pinkies together, and I waved them off. It wasn’t that I avoided having friends. When you’re busy holding your family together, or at least that was how it felt, sometimes it was better to keep a little distance.
After they left, Tommy showed up for his afternoon chores. “I don’t know what I would do without you, Tommy,” I said, as he quickly and efficiently hustled through his work.
He was fawning over Dolly, his favorite goat. He straightened, grinning over at me. “I love this job.”
“It’s always here for you, but I’m sure you’re going to grow out of it someday,” I replied.
“I will not,” Tommy said stoutly.
“You never know. Once you start guiding trips with your family, you might have other priorities.”
Tommy paused, tipping his head to the side as he studied me. “I might do some of that, but what I really want is to be a full-time chef for the resort. We’re going to be so big, we’re going to need one.”
The hopefulness in his eyes tugged my lips into a smile. “You are really good at cooking.”
He beamed. “I’m working on it.”
“Every time I get an invite to dinner, I always look forward to it because Jude tells me you’re the main cook for the family now.”
“I am. Grandma helps, but I think she actually likes that I do it most of the time now. She’s old.”
I snorted. “Your grandma is not old.”
“Well, she’s not young,” he offered with an eye roll. “Where’s Jude?”
It was no secret that Jude often helped me out here. At the mere mention of his name, I felt the heat rising up my neck and into my cheeks.
“If you didn’t know, Jude’s in love with you,” Tommy said solemnly.
“What?” I sputtered, that blush blazing hotter in my cheeks.
Tommy shrugged as though he had announced the sky was blue, or something else mundane and factual. “Maybe you haven’t figured it out yet, and I’m not even sure if Jude has, but it’s true,” Tommy added matter-of-factly. “I think you two should get married.”
“Whaaaa-t?” I sputtered again.
This time he grinned, enjoying my discomfort.
“You’re best friends. I’m no romance expert.
” He held both of his hands up as he shrugged.
“But that’s a good foundation.” At that, he leaned down to give Dolly another scratch behind her ears before he straightened.
“I gotta go.” With a wave, he was off running. He often ran from place to place.
While I considered myself to be in good physical condition, I didn’t have the energy of a 11-year-old boy to sprint a half-mile from here to the resort.
His comments left me standing there for I didn’t know how long in the middle of the aisle in the barn.
Even though Jude had told me the other night he’d had a crush on me since high school, even though he told me he was half in love with me, I was still shocked to hear such a casual observation from his nephew.
I couldn’t help but wonder how oblivious I’d been.
All this time, I’d worried about ruining our friendship and figured I would need to forever keep my feelings to myself.
Although Jude had never had a serious relationship, he’d dated here and there.
I’d always gone out of my way to keep a casual, polite distance, and to hope and pray nobody got uncomfortable about our friendship.
I’d always promised myself I wouldn’t be that friend, the friend who claimed not to have feelings and tried to interfere in every relationship.
Jude was my best friend and had been for so long that I had worried and fretted almost painfully about losing our friendship. And yet, at the same time, I cared about him enough to want him to have whatever he wanted. I groaned.
“Get a grip, Kendall. You have work to do.” I threw myself into updating our logs to document the vet care updates.
Every time Jude rudely burst into my thoughts, I told myself that somehow this would be okay.