Chapter Twenty-Four
Kendall
A few hours earlier
With the drumbeat of anticipation echoing through my body, all I could think about was when I could see Jude. Until…
“Hello?” I answered my phone.
“Kendall,” my brother said.
As soon as I heard his voice and the tone laced within it, dread churned in my stomach.
“What is it, Blake?” I tried to keep the impatience out of my voice.
“I need a ride.”
Relief rolled through me. I could handle giving him a ride.
“Where are you?”
Silence ticked as the pause stretched.
He cleared his throat. “Out at the, uh, brewery.”
“You’re at the brewery?” My relief was very short-lived. The one glimmer of hope was that he didn’t sound drunk.
“I know, I know, I know. I shouldn’t have come out here,” Blake said quickly.
There were going to be skid marks on my tongue from holding so many thoughts silent.
But I knew judgment, frustration, lectures, and more were futile.
I remembered what someone had said when I went with my parents to an Al-Anon meeting—that we weren’t dealing with just the person we loved, but also with an addiction that could make them into someone occasionally unrecognizable.
For the last few years, it had felt like all I’d dealt with when it came to my brother was his addiction.
“I have to finish up feeding, and then I’ll be there. For God’s sake, if you’re out there drinking, please go sit in the entrance, not at the bar. Please.”
“I’m already out there. I’m sorry, Kendall.”
“It’s fine.” My tone was sharp. But for fuck’s sake, I wanted to cry. I was so tired of always being the one who bailed my brother out.
I finished hurrying through getting everything ready for Tommy, and he was running over just as I walked out. “Are you leaving early?” he asked, friendly and polite.
As I studied him for a moment, I realized Tommy was a few years younger than when everything blew up for my brother. Blake had once been this carefree. Until he wasn’t.
I cleared my throat, schooling my expression to hopefully neutral and not completely stressed out, although my anxiety churned like an out-of-control storm inside.
“Yeah, I have a few errands to take care of, but I still got everything ready for you. Do you mind making sure to close up when you’re done? ”
“Of course not.” He nodded firmly, like a mini-adult.
“Thanks, Tommy,” I called with a wave over my shoulder.
He was already on his way out to the pasture to greet his favorite goats. Goats were adorable, but they could be annoying. Tommy didn’t mind at all. They immediately came running across the pasture to greet him, happily head-butting his knees.
After I climbed into my car, I sighed. I had plenty of time. But what the hell was Blake doing out at a brewery this early in the day?
He wasn’t even supposed to be driving. I supposed it was a good sign that he’d called me for a ride. Maybe he didn’t drive himself out there.
It would take me forty-five minutes to get all the way to Fireweed Winery, scoop my brother up, and I presumed, drop him off at home. I prayed there wasn’t a debate between us about where he planned to go.
Not much later, I walked into the winery, one of the newer restaurants in Willow Brook. As promised, Blake was in the waiting area.
The hostess smiled at me. “Hi, are you meeting someone?”
“Just picking my brother up,” I said with a tight smile as I gestured in his direction.
My gaze quickly took in the space beyond the waiting area.
They’d renovated an old warehouse, creating an open and inviting space.
There was a gorgeous view of a field in the distance and, of course, the mountains.
With it being winter, the field was covered in snow, and the mountains stood tall against the late afternoon sky, with the sun already dipping down against a backdrop of streaks of lavender.
The bar was bustling, as was the restaurant.
This place had quickly become popular. It was the second location for their flagship restaurant in Fireweed Harbor.
I tore my gaze away from the windows and approached my brother. He hadn’t even looked up. His elbows were on his knees, his hands dangling as he stared down at the floor.
“Hey, Blake.”
His eyes lifted to mine. Maybe he’d had a drink, but he definitely wasn’t drunk. I knew the look in his eyes when he was drunk, far too well.
“Hey.” He stood up quickly, shaking his hands as if discharging some restless energy.
“Come on.” We didn’t talk on the way out to my car or for the first few minutes of the drive.
I finally broke the silence. “Since I didn’t see your car there, how’d you get out to the brewery?”
Blake’s sigh came out in a gust. He cleared his throat, then ran both hands through his hair and let them fall to his knees. “One of my party friends called, and I fucked up coming here. But I didn’t drink. I really didn’t.”
The shame threaded in his words twisted my heart painfully. “I didn’t think so. How’s it going?”
My brother’s pause lasted for a long moment. “I just feel like I’m such a fuck-up, Kendall. I’m sorry I had to call you. I didn’t want to call Mom and Dad.”
“Why not? Look, Blake, I love you, but I can’t be your keeper. That’s just flaky,” I pointed out.
“Yeah. They’re so fucking hopeful, you know? I don’t even think they really get it,” he said.
He wasn’t wrong. “You still going to your meetings? Talking to your sponsor?”
My brother cleared his throat before replying gruffly. “Yeah, and, uh, I finally started seeing that therapist.”
“Is that helpful?”
Another throat clear. “Yeah. I’m sorry, Kendall.”
“Blake, you don’t have to keep apologizing.”
“I know, but—”
“It’ll be okay,” I said, cutting in. “And, I am always going to be there for you, no matter what. But I think it’s important for you to rely on Mom and Dad too, because it’s the only way they’re ever really going to face what happened and see how it’s affected you.”
I could’ve sworn I heard the hint of tears in my brother’s voice when he responded. “I know. I just fucking hate how fucked up it all is.”
“Nobody ever said life was easy, and you know that better than most of us,” I said softly.
A few minutes later, I stopped in front of my parents’ house. Blake sat for a long moment, staring up at the windows in the apartment above the garage.
“It’s bigger than my studio,” I pointed out.
His laugh was dry. “Good point. I have a job.”
“You do?” I tried not to sound surprised, but I was.
“Yep. I do.”
“Well, good.”
I thought he expected me to ask more questions, but I knew enough now not to get excited about anything. He needed to keep that job, even if he didn’t like it.
“It’s construction. I need something physical. It keeps me focused, you know? Occupied mentally,” he explained.
“I understand.” Another glance over, and the sadness and shame in his eyes lanced my heart.
“Thanks again, Kendall.”
“Anytime,” was all I could manage through the tears wicking up in my throat.
I waited until he’d closed the door on the apartment and wiped away tears as I drove away, trying to breathe in enough air to ease the weight pressing down on my chest. I didn’t know how I’d ever scramble out from under this mess in my family. As was always the case, my thoughts turned to Jude.
A sad note in all of this, at least in this particular moment, was that Jude was the friend who understood all of this. The person I always turned to. I was so afraid I was going to fuck it all up.
But then, I thought we were already past the point of no return. We’d crossed the line. It was almost as if we were skydiving and we’d already jumped. We really needed a parachute, but we were each other’s parachutes. And, what happened if we lost that?