Chapter 19 #2
Almost every day for six months, she texted and called, wanting to know where Alister was, when he’s coming back, how he’s doing.
I never confirmed that I knew of his whereabouts, but she was aware of my relationship with Alister and assumed I would know.
She even took it a step further and showed up here a few times after he first left.
Every time, I turned her away. There are some things she just can’t know, both because of her position with the FBI and because Alister wouldn’t want her anywhere near the Mafia or anyone attached to it—including him.
But…maybe I was wrong to keep her at such a distance?
Maybe I should extend some sort of olive branch, especially after she showed up—without question or hesitation—to help rescue Ana.
I hang my head as I consider the possibilities, what Alister would be okay with, but also what’s best. This past year has been hard for us all.
But perhaps it’s been the hardest for Ariana.
She’d just gotten a taste of love, of having a family, after being alone nearly all her life.
Practically, the moment she got it, she lost it.
Though, I can’t imagine this has been easy for Alister either.
After losing both his parents and— It’s then that I stop myself from finishing that thought, shut off the water, and quickly exit the shower.
A dull ache and heaviness rises in my chest as I dry the water from my skin.
But I do my best to ignore it. I won’t think of her, of it.
I won’t. I can’t. Though, as I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror above the vanity, I remember the last time I showered out here, the last time I stared at my reflection in this very mirror.
I take a deep breath then as the memories come flooding back.
It’s been over two years, but it feels just like yesterday.
I had just finished a workout and for some reason, I decided to shower instead of heading straight home.
During my workout, I was also doing my nightly check-ins with all the lead soldiers on the various security details.
I oversaw Alister’s detail but was also in charge of all the other guards as well.
It was my job to place each guard where I felt they were best suited and to make sure enough guards were assigned to each detail according to the threat level our charges may face.
At the time, there was a house detail, an estate detail, and special details for the three Amato siblings—Alister, Sophia, and Cara.
That night, I sent the text out to Cara’s guards and got into the shower without waiting for their response.
I was careless, too comfortable. I…I failed, especially given the tension at the time.
I thought she was safe on campus. I thought she was a low-level target.
Anyone coming for the Amatos would come for the crown, not the youngest of a trio of siblings, not a teenager, not an innocent little girl.
I pinch my eyes closed and, resting my palms on the vanity in front of me, lean forward.
Images of her rampaged dorm room and of every horrific thing I saw right up until the moment we found her, or what was left of her, flick through my mind.
As tears escape from behind my closed eyelids, I quickly wipe them away and stand tall.
I fight through the pain coursing through me, the ache in my cheeks and chest, and put on the same stoic mask I’ve worn every day since. I don’t deserve to mourn her.
It may not have been my fault she was taken, but if I had done a better job at creating her detail, if I had not taken that ten-minute shower, giving her captors an even greater head start, maybe we could’ve found her before she spent months being sex trafficked and tortured with inhumane devices, before she ended up turned to mush in a barrel cast off a ship in the middle of the ocean.
That was the last time I showered here, the last time I worked out at night.
The day Cara was taken changed everything for everyone.
And, I guess, we’re still picking up the pieces.
That, or like me, are just barreling forward trying to forget, trying not to spend every waking moment riddled with guilt, trying to compensate by never letting anything like that ever happen again, and maybe, just maybe, trying to find a reason to smile again.
Darcy is that reason for me same as Ariana is that reason for Alister.
I never gave much thought to love and relationships—ever—until I saw Alister fall in love with Ariana.
The way she made him feel alive after feeling so dead inside for so long, it’s no wonder he gave up everything hoping to be with her.
Maybe seeing their love and devotion, seeing Alister moving forward in his life, is what opened my heart to love, to change, to hope for brighter days.
Though, as I pull the spare set of clothes from underneath the sink and quickly dress, I know I don’t deserve it.
I don’t deserve that light, that hope, that love—not after my failure.
Still, I promised Darcy that I’d keep her safe.
I promised I’d take care of her and Delilah, and I will, just like how I’m trying to take care of everyone else.
I can’t change the past, though I’d give anything, including my last breath, to do so. All I can do now is not fail twice.