Chapter 32
I don’t let goof Ana’s hand the entire way back to her house. In part, because I’m afraid she’ll run away, but also because I’m afraid that once I let her go, I’ll never feel her touch again. I can’t imagine her pain right now. For her to think for a single second that she isn’t safe with me makes me realize things are worse than I ever could’ve imagined. I suppose it doesn’t help that we had sex before I told her the truth. If she’s questioning her safety with me and my love for her, then she’s questioning everything, including that. And to question someone’s motives for sex is a kind of pain that hurts in a different way. I don’t know how I’ll ever convince her to trust me again, but I won’t stop trying until I do.
As we reach her door, she realizes she left her purse at the parlor. I know this also won’t help me gain back her trust, but I have no choice but to pull my spare key out of my pocket. She pins me with a look of both shock and disgust as I unlock the door for her. Shaking her head, she enters the cottage. Brinkley and I follow behind her. Aidan may have a war headed his way, but the look on Anastasia’s face lets me know mine starts now.
Inside her cottage, Ana paces her kitchen in silence. I put Brinkley down, take a deep breath, and try to massage some of the tension from my neck. It’s then that Ana moves with purpose and heads to the fridge. She pulls out a bottle of wine, pours herself a glass, and grabs a chocolate iced honey bun from one of the cabinets. It’s been a long night and crying does make one hungry. So does sex.
Ana takes a deep breath and downs half her glass in a matter of seconds. “I feel numb,” she says. I nod and move to stand on the other side of the island so that we are face-to-face, yet there’s some distance for her comfort.
“What else do you feel?” I ask.
Anastasia looks at me then. I can tell she’s tired, though I doubt either one of us will get much sleep tonight. Her hair is disheveled. Mascara streaks down her cheeks. Her lips are dry and chapped. Most of her makeup has worn off. “I feel…I feel like everything has been a lie. I feel like you don’t love me. You never did.”
“Anastasia—”
“Let me finish!” she yells, slamming her wineglass down on the island. It shatters into pieces. The red wine mixes with blood oozing from the cut on her hand and covers the white countertop. I move to help her tend to the wound, but she raises her hand to stop me. “Let me finish,” she says once more. I nod and back away. She takes another deep breath and a swig of wine directly from the bottle.
“I feel like I was just starting to get to know you, the real you. And I was so, so happy.” The pain in her voice breaks me. “And now…now I feel like I don’t know you at all. I feel like the only reason you ever showed any interest in me, the only reason you fucked me, is because you wanted to get back at my brother for forcing you to be my protector. And I know I don’t know anything about the deal the two of you had, but based on how you treated me in the beginning and the folder on your desk, it seems obvious. Tell me, am I wrong?”
I stand tall and look her in the eyes, giving her the respect she deserves. “You’re not wrong about your brother forcing me to look after you. He and my superior came to an agreement without me knowing and I had no choice but to comply. It was part of my boss’s efforts to help sustain the alliance between my people and yours, a show of good faith.”
“The mob and the Mafia,” she says. I nod.
“And since your brother knew you wanted nothing to do with the mob, he couldn’t very well employ one of his own men to protect you. So he got the next best thing—a man professionally trained in protecting princesses and someone happy to operate in secret because I want just as little to do with the mob as you do.”
Anastasia is quiet as she processes this, so I take my opportunity to continue. “Before this assignment, before Alister Amato left New Orleans and took the Mafia down with him, I was the lead protector for Sophia, his sister. I am Mafiosi, through and through. More than that, I’m an Amato. My mother was the sister of Domenico, Alister’s father. When she died, my cousins, Alister and Sophia, and my Mafia brothers were the only family I had left, the only place where I felt like I belonged. In the month before you arrived, I lost everything—my family, my job, my way of life, even my pride. So no, I’m not the biggest fan of your brother, because, well, several reasons, but mostly because he reminds me of everything I’ve lost. And yes, I was an asshole to you because so were you. But, Anastasia, everything is different now. Now, when I look at you, all I see is everything I have to live for, everything I have to fight for. I see the woman that I want to be my family, because the time I’ve spent with you over these past few months is the closest thing I’ve felt to family, to love, in a very long time. And, in many ways, what I feel when I’m with you, what I feel for you, is the first I’ve ever felt in my life.”
“But, Damon, how can I believe that? How can I trust that this is real?” she asks me then. I hear the desperation in her voice, a desperation that tells me she wants to believe me, believe in us, even if she isn’t ready to. “I came here under the impression that I’d have my freedom, freedom to make my own choices, run my own business, live a life out from underneath my brother’s thumb. But he’s been pulling the strings the entire time and you’ve been helping him. I never made a single choice for myself, Damon, except choosing to trust you, love you. And now, now that I know the truth, not only do I not know if I can trust you but I guess my days of making any decisions for myself are over, aren’t they?”
“They don’t have to be. I’ve been keeping you safe at a distance, yes. But I follow your lead. It’s not the other way around.”
“So you mean to tell me that you won’t start trying to control my movements? I won’t have to preapprove my outings?” She speaks with a sarcastic tone as if she doesn’t believe me.
“Of course not. I mean, if you’re planning to go somewhere dangerous or be out late at night, then I’ll probably discourage it or insist on accompanying you. But I would never forcefully stop you from living your life, Anastasia, a life I hope to be a part of in more ways than one. And that was true even when it meant watching you go on a date and potentially falling in love with another man.”
She nods. “I guess you did let me do that, didn’t you?”
“Yeah, and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.” Anastasia looks at me. Her cheeks are red as anger and confusion still pulse inside her. But the fact that she’s willing to have a conversation with me is a good sign.
“But…but what about my brother? Don’t you report to him? Don’t you tell him everything I do? I mean, that defeats the purpose of my entire move, Damon. And how can we have a relationship if that relationship includes a third party?”
“I want nothing to do with your brother, Anastasia, and I’ve made that clear to him since the day I met him. I don’t report to him or share information about you with anyone. The extent of my relationship with Aidan is he transfers money into an account for me every month as payment for my services. Money that I haven’t even touched because one, I have enough, and two, something about it has never really felt right. If there’s an emergency or something important that I need to discuss with him, like what happened tonight with those men, I have his number. But I don’t make a habit of using it. And as far as our relationship is concerned, it is none of your brother’s business until you decide you’re ready to tell him. That is, if we even still have a relationship?”
Ana takes another sip of wine from the bottle and begins pacing the length of the kitchen. I give her time to think in silence until she stumbles and has to catch herself against the cabinet. “Ah!” She winces as her wounded hand presses into the edge of the countertop. I move toward her and pick her up so quickly she doesn’t even have time to protest.
“Sit down before you pass out.” At that, I place her on a clean portion of the kitchen island. “Now, I know this has been a lot, and I know we may not solve this tonight, but if it helps…I don’t think you don’t knowhow to believe me. Because, even though you say you feel like you don’t know me, you do. The man you’ve gotten to know over the past three months is real. The only thing I kept from you was my involvement with the Mafia and my arrangement with your brother. You do know me and so you know that I love you. You know that I would never use you against your brother. You know that I would never fuck you as part of some vendetta. And, if I would, if I did, then I wouldn’t be here right now begging you to forgive me. Forgive me—that’s what I think you truly don’t know how to do. And that’s okay, baby, it is.”
“How is that okay? How is any of this okay?” she asks, slapping her hand down against her thigh. As she does, she flinches and sways as if woozy. Quickly, I grab a bottle of water from the fridge, rinse her cut, and wrap her hand in paper towels.
“That’ll hold for a few more minutes, but that’s it. Then I’m going to have to take a closer look.”
“You?”
“It’s part of my training. I’m pretty skilled at giving stitches.”
“Don’t say the S word. I don’t like needles.”
“I know,” I say with a smile. I’m sure it’s the blood loss, but she’s starting to calm down and that makes me feel hopeful. I lean forward then and kiss her forehead. “And I know it’s going to take a while for you to forgive me, to trust me. But we have time, Anastasia. We have all the time in the world if we choose and that’s why it’s okay. We don’t have to have everything figured out tonight.”
Anastasia looks at me then. It seems her anger has dissipated. “If you meant it when you said I love you, then that love is still in there.” I press my finger to her chest. “That love is still worth fighting for. So tell me, Anastasia, are you willing to fight for us? Because I am.”
Anastasia is quiet for longer than I’d like given the blood now soaked through the paper towels wrapped around her palm. Finally, she says, “I am. I just have one more question. Well, one more question for tonight because I may think of more tomorrow.”
“Ask me anything.”
She nods and lowers her head. Then she asks, “When your feelings for me started to change, why did you continue to lie to me?”
“Because I could see how much you wanted this fresh start. I could see how happy you were getting your shop ready and all that you had to look forward to. I didn’t want to tarnish that happiness or take it away from you. Your brother and I may have been wrong in keeping this secret from you, but Aidan started this whole thing because he loves you and he wanted to give you the space you craved while also keeping you safe. The more I got to know you, the more I started to care for you, the more I wanted to give you that too. Now, let’s get this hand taken care of and you a fresh shower. We can talk more tomorrow.”