41. Ivy
Ivy
“ W eren’t going to stop, huh?” I growl at him as he sheepishly walks past me in the bedroom.
I’m not that mad because I know Hawke well enough to know he had no intention of letting Jared make it out of whatever dungeon they were torturing him in, which is exactly why I put a tracker on his favorite boots a week ago.
I can also track his phone, but this made it easier.
The moment he stopped at the location, I sent it to Braxton and Hope.
He clears his throat. “I was just excited by the fact that we’re a thing,” he says, and I roll my eyes as he goes into the bathroom to shower off the blood he’s covered in.
I’m not entirely mad at him. If anything, it makes me feel safe knowing he’d go to such lengths to protect me.
But I want Jared’s face to be on the news.
I want Makayla’s family to know it was him who killed her.
Anything past that, I don’t care, and I’m satisfied that he will be killed one way or another.
I’m under the blankets in Hawke’s bed, wearing one of his shirts, as I flick through the channels.
He reappears, totally naked, with a smug expression on his face.
But instead of joining me, he leaves the bedroom and heads downstairs.
I stare after him, curious as to what he’s up to.
A few minutes later, he returns with several takeout containers.
“I take it you haven’t eaten today,” he says as if it’s the most casual thing in the world.
“One cookie,” I say, shifting to make more room for him on the bed.
My stomach growls as a reminder. I was so focused on everything that was happening that eating was the last thing on my mind.
How this man kills and tortures and still has an appetite afterward will always impress me.
It’s past midnight, but I suppose it’s as good a time as ever to have a few bites.
A random movie is playing in the background, but I watch him as he happily spreads the food out in front of us.
I try to hide the smile as I think about our earlier conversation.
Who would have ever thought that Hawke and I would discuss being exclusive?
It was easy—maybe too easy—but that has always been our relationship.
Maybe I thought it could never be more because I wasn’t prepared to face my feelings for him.
“What?” he asks with a smile as he snaps the chopsticks apart and offers them to me. He got noodles—one of my favorites.
It’s strange to think of what a future with him might look like, and to what extent? Is it still a now thing? Maybe in a year’s time, we’ll get bored of each other? Or could it be… a forever type of thing?
I can’t help but think about how good of a father he would be. It’s a strange feeling, considering I’ve never looked at a man that way.
“It’s nothing,” I say, opening the box.
“Spit it out, or I’ll tickle it out of you,” he warns, and I roll my eyes. But when I look at him, I see he’s dead serious, and I’m not risking shit.
“I was just thinking you’d be a good dad. That’s all.”
His eyebrows arch in surprise. I feel stupid after I say it. My God, he probably thinks I’ve gone gaga after we’ve become exclusive, and I’m jumping into some happily ever after fantasy. I’m an idiot. I should’ve just taken the punishment of tickles.
He’s quiet as he tries to hold the chopsticks the right way. I try not to laugh as I push through the awkward tension and show him how to use them again, which makes him uncomfortable.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make it weird. I just meant?—”
“It was nice,” he says sheepishly, looking down at his food and then up at me. I can see the vulnerability there. “It’s nice to be taken seriously for once.”
My mouth opens and then closes.
“I think you’d be a cool mom, for what it’s worth. Do you want kids?” he asks, unable to meet my gaze, and it’s so strange to see this side of him.
“Yeah. I’d love to have kids. I had a really good relationship with my parents, and I think it’d be cool to have tiny humans running around. What about you?”
I never expected to have a conversation like this with Hawke.
At least not so soon. I’ve been so used to being labeled as the party girl that I can share his sentiment of no one ever taking me seriously.
But I was never ready for the conversation of marriage and kids.
I find it ironic that I’m talking to Hawke about it.
He seems to think it over carefully. “I think it’d be really cool having kids. I love them, but we’re never around them. But I didn’t think it was something possible for me, you know? Considering what I do for work and all.”
“Are you ashamed of what you do?” I ask carefully. I thought Hawke loved working for Eli, and his parents run the underworld auctions, so it’s not like he’s going to live a cookie-cutter type of life. That’s just not Hawke.
“Fuck no. I love my job,” he says with a cheesy grin.
“But it’s not exactly a mood setter with women.
Not that I’ve ever found a woman I want to do that with.
” He looks at me and then quickly diverts his gaze, and I feel like I missed something important as he continues.
“But I’ve done things, awful things that I don’t think make me a good person. ”
My eyebrows furrow in confusion as I place my untouched box of noodles down and place my hand on his knee. His cock twitches, and I try to remain serious because his body is far too responsive, but it’s the hurt in his eyes that concerns me.
“You’re a good person, Hawke.” He tries to smile, but it’s so weak it breaks my heart. “I’m a vault, remember? You can tell me anything.”
His dark-brown eyes snap back to me again, and he seems to struggle with his words. It’s the first time I’ve seen him shrouded in shame, and I want to shake it right off him because this is not the Hawke I know. “Talk to me. Please, ” I say, cupping his cheek.
He’s staring through me now, into my soul, as if searching for something. For what, I’m not entirely sure.
“I killed a woman,” he confesses. My heart stops.
Not because he killed a woman but because of the pain that’s loaded in that statement.
Hawke kills people all the time. I wait for him to continue so I can fully understand.
“Ford and I always had a rule that we would never hurt women or children. I know I’m not all that good because I kill people, but that was our absolute rule, so we didn’t feel like complete monsters.
When Billie was kidnapped, and Ford went after her, I asked you to track them for me, but I never told you what happened afterward. ”
I swallow as I watch him break apart, his tough persona crumbling, and I see a side of this man I immediately know I have to protect.
“When I got there, she was running toward her car. I pulled up and saw that she was holding one of Ford’s crowbars.
I just knew in my gut she did something to him.
I knew he was close by. I knew they were in trouble.
And when she pulled out the gun…” He looks down, ashamed, but I lift his chin and force him to look at me.
I will not let him be ashamed of whatever this is any longer.
“I had to make a choice. And I chose my brother. I’ll always choose my brother.
So I shot her between her eyes.” His voice breaks, and I can see he’s fighting tears.
“I see her every night when I try to sleep. I replay what I could’ve changed, but every time… ”
“You listen to me,” I say, digging my nails into his skin to bring him back to the present.
“You did what you had to in order to save your brother and my best friend, for which I am so grateful to you. You’re not a monster, Hawke.
You could never be a monster, not in my eyes.
What you did was heroic. Think about the lives you saved instead of the one you took.
That woman knew exactly what she was doing.
If anything, you probably set her free from her own demons. ”
His eyes widen, and I see something shift in him.
Instead of letting me see him tear up, he pulls me in for a hug, his warmth immediately spreading through my chest. I pat the back of his head, stroking his dark, wet locks.
I’ve learned many things about myself these last months, but I’m learning even more about Hawke.
This great oaf, who has been hovering around in my life for almost a decade, has become such a beacon to my heart.
“How about instead of focusing on her and what you might’ve been able to do differently, you focus on me,” I suggest. Hawke is a simple man in the way he expresses himself, the way he focuses, and the way he loves. “You can focus on protecting me now instead.”
His hold on me tightens, and I feel when he releases his breath as I continue stroking the back of his head.
“It would be my honor, Ivy Walker, to protect you,” he says earnestly.
Before the situation with Jared, I never considered myself someone who needed protection.
Although I can still stand on my own, it’s nice to know I have someone like Hawke covering my back in instances that I might not be able to myself.
It’s nice to know that no matter what might happen between us in the future, I can also give him this peace.
I can give him something else to focus on besides this thing that’s clearly been eating him alive since the incident happened.
I knew he’d been acting differently; we’d all noticed.
And I wonder if this was part of the conversation Billie had overheard.
I truly hope Hawke can heal from this because no matter what he does for a living, even if he gets sickening pleasure from it, I can never see him as a bad person.
“Told you it wasn’t a mood setter,” he grumbles as he pulls back, pressing a kiss to my cheek. He then looks down at his noodles and pulls a face, and I can tell it’s because of the vegetable in there he doesn’t like.
“Eat your greens,” I reprimand as I try to cover my laugh. “And you set plenty of moods.”
“Yeah, well, none that will ever make a woman think, Wow, he’s the one !” He rolls his eyes, and I jerk back, shocked.
“Hawke, did you just say the one ?”
His eyebrows furrow. “Yeah. Don’t you believe in that shit?”
I bite my bottom lip, always surprised by this brute of a man who sometimes has the heart of a sixteen-year-old girl who needs to be protected from the world.
“Do you want to watch a rom-com tonight?”
“Fuck no,” he scoffs.
“Hawke, have you ever watched a rom-com?”
“No… isn’t it girly shit?” he asks, and I try not to laugh at him. I don’t want to dissuade him from watching my choice of movie.
I roll my eyes as I pick up the remote. It’s no surprise he’s never seen a rom-com, especially since I couldn’t imagine Anya ever watching them.
“Let’s start with a classic,” I suggest as I press play on Pretty Woman.
I wake up with a sharp breath. It’s dark, and Hawke is still asleep. Jared’s eyes flash before me, and I can’t seem to get my heart rate back down.
He did it. He killed her.
I already knew he had, but listening to his confession of the reasons behind it made it so much worse.
All because he wanted someone he couldn’t have.
Why couldn’t he just be normal and break it off with her? Why did he drag her into this abyss? She believed in him right until the very end. She was even willing, as drugged out as she was, to accept the fact that he killed one of her friends right in front of her.
It’s all so fucked.
“Your thoughts are so loud.” Strong arms wrap around me and pull me back before he starts kissing my shoulder.
“Let me ease them.” I fell asleep before we did anything; listening to him laugh was relaxing.
And now I can feel how hard he is. I pull his hand from around my waist and down to the top of my thighs.
I slide his hand up underneath the shirt I’m wearing and let him take control.
I love it when he takes control. So many men I’d been with did better when I controlled them, but not Hawke. Though, he’ll let me when I demand it.
He knows exactly how to please a woman, and I fucking love it.
His hand slips between my legs, and I know he can feel how wet I am as he starts massaging my clit.
“You like that, don’t you?” he whispers in my ear as his lips find my earlobe, and he takes it in his mouth.
He pushes his cock harder against my ass, and I spread my legs a little wider, giving him more access.
At this point, I’m pretty certain I’ll give him everything he demands of me because I’m weak to not only the pleasure he can give me but all the fractured pieces of himself he’s slowly revealing to me as well. Waking up in his arms, knowing that he’ll protect me no matter what.
I moan and wriggle against him as he rubs his cock against my pussy, trying to force myself down on him.
Hawke is the greatest distraction for my overactive thoughts. But he’s also the best thing that could’ve happened to me. My body has always understood that. It’s just taken my heart longer to catch up.