Chapter Ten
CHAPTER TEN
MCKINSEY
“I had a dream about one of my patients last night…”
I’m helpless to keep the words from tumbling out of my mouth as my best friend, Olivia, joins me at the table.
Even if I tried to stay quiet about it, she knows me too well. She would have pulled the secret out of me one way or another.
“What?” She stops halfway to her seat. Her eyes grow wide, and she looks around as though making sure no one else in The Dover House Restaurant overheard my confession. “Um … who? And what kind of dream ? ”
“I think you know exactly what kind of dream.”
Her surprise gives way to excitement as the confirmation of my sex dream sinks in further. Finally, she finishes lowering herself into her chair.
“Oh my god…” Groaning, I cover my face with my hands as embarrassment burns into my skin.
“No, girl… Details, now.” Olivia reaches across the table and forces my hands from my face.
“I-I can’t explain it. He’s… He’s … dangerous . His therapy was court-ordered.” Sort of. “It’s not like he came to me of his own volition because he wants to better himself.”
I confess these things as though I’m trying to convince myself that Draven is a bad guy more than I’m trying to convince Olivia, whose expression is too excited for my liking.
“Oooh… So he’s a bad boy ?”
“You can’t say that like it’s a good thing.” I laugh, despite being serious about what I said. “But I would be lying if I said I didn’t think he was good looking.”
With that, Olivia smiles.
“Well, dangerous bad boy or not, it’s about time you were into someone again. I was beginning to think you’d become asexual.”
“Oh, please. You know all about my trust issues.”
“No, I know.” Her smile fades slightly. “I’m just messing with you. It sucks that he’s not actual boyfriend material, though. We need to find you a good one.”
Yeah, if there is such a thing.
My track record with men can only be described as abysmal. I’ve been hurt in the past, but a lot of that is my own fault. Even with my education and my knowledge of human behavior and interaction, I haven’t allowed myself to invest my trust in anyone in a long time.
Not even myself.
I haven’t had the best male role models in my life either.
After Rick—my biological father—left Mom and me, she married my step-father, Alexander. He’s been a decent father figure. He shows he cares by providing for us, but he’s not really around.
A self-proclaimed workaholic, he has no desire to slow down anytime soon. He’s given Mom and me a lot, paid for all of my schooling, and cosigned the loan for the house I live in. He’s offered to pay for many more things—my mortgage included—but I won’t let him.
My practice brings in more money than I need, and I love the independence that gives me. I hate relying on anyone, no matter who it is. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, it’s that putting too much trust in someone gives them the power to destroy you. I know that providing for us financially is Alexander’s love language, but I don’t need a banker…
I need a father.
“So what are you seeing this patient for anyway?”
“Drinking and driving … basically. Nothing too crazy. He’s not that bad of a guy.”
Now I really sound like the crazy one, from telling Olivia that he’s dangerous to backtracking and insisting he’s not really that bad.
It’s definitely myself I’m trying to convince here.
This 360-degree ride of emotions I’ve been on the past twenty-four hours is going to drive me insane.
More insane…
“ McK.” Olivia scoffs and rolls her eyes at me.
“What?” I play dumb.
“Okay, one: you just told me he was dangerous. Two: drinking and driving is dangerous. And crazy. And three: why did they send him to you and not to AA or rehab?”
I really can’t get into the whole MC-sheriff backdoor deal or whatever they have going on. First, because it isn’t safe for me to. Second, because I don’t understand it myself.
“Self-destructive behavior.” I shrug. “I mean, just because he got caught drinking and driving one time doesn’t mean he’s an alcoholic.”
“Oookay.” Olivia’s eyes grow wide as she picks up her menu, unable to hide her disapproval.
“Anyway…” I’m desperate to change the subject. I wish I never would have brought it up. I knew nothing good would come of it, no matter how badly I wanted someone to tell me I’m not insane. “What are you in the mood for?”
“Not sure… Chicken, maybe? What about you? Sounds like you’re in the mood for sausage.” Olivia laughs loudly, and I can’t help but join her.
“It’s been so long, Liv…” I manage to get the words out between fits of laughter. “I know my standards usually are super high, but for once I wish I could say fuck it and just get laid.”
“So do it. Get on a dating app, or just go to a bar like we used to. Find a guy who seems at least halfway decent, let him dick you good, then part ways. Easy peasy.”
“If only…”
* * *
All through dinner, Draven never left my mind.
I’ve never had a patient get up in the middle of a session or tell me we aren’t the right fit. The way I went about questioning him about his love life simply because I couldn’t get a handle on my own ecstasy was nothing short of deplorable behavior on my part. Doctors get their licenses stripped for bullshit like this.
“That was incredible. I love it here. The food never disappoints.” Olivia’s footsteps fall into line next to mine as we exit the restaurant into the parking lot.
I nod and hum in agreement with her, but unfortunately, I feel a little sick to my stomach. My dinner isn’t sitting well with me.
Or my behavior isn’t.
“Are you okay?” Olivia delicately grips my forearm and turns me to face her.
“Oh. Yeah, it’s just…” A twinge of pain throbs at my left temple. Pressing my fingers against the side of my head, I rub it gently. “That patient I was telling you about… He walked out in the middle of our session today. I upset him with my questioning.”
“What were you talking about? I know you can’t tell me much, but it’s not like I know who you’re talking about anyway.”
I look around us and see a couple nearby. Nodding toward Olivia’s car, I lead her over to it before leaning against the rear, driver’s side door. Tucking my hair behind my ears, I cross my arms and get ready for the tough love I know is coming. I’m dreading it, but if this is the punishment I need for what I put Draven through today, I’ll take it.
“What I told you earlier, the dream I had about my patient, that wasn’t quite the whole story.”
I briefly describe how I couldn’t set my own desire aside and questioned him about his love life more than I should have.
Stunned to silence, the only response I get from her is a set of raised eyebrows and a grimace.
“Yeah, I know. And then he got up and walked out.”
“Oh boy…”
Lowering my head, I look at the ground before speaking again.
“And now I’m both questioning myself and why I’m so bothered both by his dismissal of me as well as his lack of desire for a relationship. I mean, what the hell is wrong with me, Liv?”
“Well, I think you’re so bothered by him because he sounds just like you.”
“Excuse me?” My head flies up, and my eyes lock onto hers.
“Woah.” She puts her hands up as a hint of a smile breaks across her face.
“What do you mean by that?”
“I mean, Miss I-Push-Everyone-Away-So They-Can’t-Get-Close-Enough-To-Hurt-Me, that maybe you’re not the only one who was hurt by someone and not willing to let it happen again.”
Now I’m the one stunned into silence. But I expected nothing less from her. Perhaps that’s why I said anything to her at all. I knew she would give me the swift kick in the ass I need.
“I really hate that you know me as well as you do, you know that? But I’ve seen patients before with the same issue, and they haven’t gotten under my skin like this. Why him?”
“I don’t know… Maybe you secretly like him. I mean, maybe it’s more than just a fleeting fantasy dream.”
“Oh, please… There’s a difference between finding someone attractive and actually liking them.”
“Maybe.” Olivia shrugs her shoulders and cocks an eyebrow.
I laugh through my nose, knowing she’s probably saying you know I’m right in her head right now.
“You don’t know this guy like I do, Liv. Even if I did like him… Even if he weren’t my patient…”
I trail off because I’ve already told her too much. I can’t tell her about him being part of the MC, too. I’m more afraid of them than I am of losing my license. Thankfully, she understands that I won’t be elaborating any further. A behavior of mine she’s come to learn very well since we first met in our sorority my freshman year of college.
“Well, it sounds like you dodged a bullet by him walking out, then. Let him find someone else, so you can be free of him.”
“Yeah.” Offering her a slight smile, I push myself away from her car. “Hey, I think I’m going to walk off my dinner tonight.”
“Are you sure? I don’t mind driving you.”
“No, really. I want to walk. But thank you.” I pull her in for a hug to show my gratitude for her friendship and to put an end to our evening. I do want to walk, and I don’t want her trying to talk me out of it.
“Okay. Well, text me when you get home?”
“I will.” I wink before stepping around her. “Goodnight.”
As I begin the short, mile-walk home, I laugh sardonically at something Olivia just said to me.
Let him find someone else so you can be free of him.
I shake my head and exhale a shaky breath. All I’ve wanted since the moment I found out how deep I was in with the MC, before I even realized it, was to be free of them.
Royce has—on more than one occasion—reminded me that whatever I’m told in my sessions with Harleigh, Delilah, and now Draven, is to be held in the strictest confidence. That I need to have a separate understanding of doctor/patient confidentiality when treating the members and associates of the MC.
There’s a part of me that wants to plead with him to release me of the link to them I never asked for. To beg and promise him that I know nothing. That Delilah never admitted to knowing what happened to her father—including the MC’s role in it. And that whatever opinions I’ve formed on the subject don’t matter and will stay buried in the deepest, darkest recesses of my brain, never to be thought of again.
But there’s another whole ass part of me that, despite the fear and anxiety I carry over being with someone again, would give anything for one night with Draven. Just one wild, hot, carefree night with a guy who sets my soul on fire.
Maybe if he were some nameless, problem-free man I met in a bar. Someone whose history I don’t know or whose crimes I don’t have any suspicion of.
No, there’s no way I can get even more entangled with the MC. But I do need to apologize to Draven before we continue our sessions. I highly doubt Royce will let him continue therapy with anyone else, but even if he does, I need to make things right.