Chapter Eighteen
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
MCKINSEY
I woke up around five o’clock in a panic.
After I carefully removed myself from Draven’s grasp without waking him, I dressed as quickly as I could and got the hell out of there.
I’ve been avoiding my phone as much as I can ever since, too afraid Draven is going to blow it up. Equally afraid he won’t message at all.
Today I have lunch plans with Marissa and Olivia, and I promised myself I would tell them some of what’s going on so they can both knock some sense into me.
I can’t believe how badly I’m fucking up right now.
A dull ache begins to throb behind my left eye as another fucking headache begins.
Fuck.
I need to start taking my medicine again. I hate it, but it beats getting regular migraines.
Apprehension sinks into my gut when my phone vibrates on my nightstand. When it doesn’t stop, I walk over to it and find three waiting text messages.
My stomach drops when I see that none of them are from Draven.
I honestly have no idea if he’s going to care that I left in the middle of the night, but my anxiety has me thinking he’s not going to handle it well. I don’t know if I’m more afraid that he’s going to be upset or more afraid he’s not.
I open my messages then catch up in the group chat with the girls.
Olivia:
I’m running late, as usual. You guys get started without me-I’ll get there as soon as I can!
Marissa:
No problem.
Marissa:
McK, I’ll be there in about 10 mins to grab you.
Me:
See you both soon.
Before I put my phone down, I open my conversation with Draven. Maybe I can calm my anxiety if I know how he’s feeling.
Good morni
Deleting the text, I start again.
Hey there…
Ugh. Changing my mind, I erase the words again.
What the hell is wrong with me?
How do you check in to see if someone you slept with then ghosted in the middle of the night is upset with you without making it awkward?
I’m not sure there is a way.
Locking my phone, I place it back on my nightstand and finish getting ready for lunch.
In no time, I hear Marissa honking from my driveway. Grabbing my things, I head downstairs and outside.
The second my ass lands on her seat, she starts.
“Well, excuse me…” She leans away from me to look me up and down.
“What?” I peer down at myself, thinking there’s something wrong with what I’m wearing. “We’re going to Bastian’s, right? Do I not look okay?”
“Do you look okay? Babe, you’re fucking glowing.”
When I feel myself flush, I pull the visor down, looking in the mirror as she pulls out of my driveway.
“What are you talking about?” The only thing different on my face now than there was a few minutes ago is the redness in my cheeks.
“I don’t know, but whatever you’re doing? Keep doing it. It’s working for you.”
I scoff, knowing exactly why I may be glowing, and it pisses me off.
I’m thinking twice about saying anything to the two of them about what happened.
Why? So you don’t have to hear the truth fall from their mouths?
Olivia and I have been best friends since freshman year of college. Marissa quickly became one of my best friends once I began clinicals at the practice where she worked during grad school. That makes both of these girls experts on me whether I want them to be or not.
I let my head fall back against the headrest and close my eyes to try to quell some of the growing pain I’m feeling.
“Anyway, how are you? Anything new with you and Jay?” Changing subjects to her love life, I hope to keep the spotlight off of me for as long as possible.
* * *
Marissa and I look over the menu while we wait on Olivia. As a social worker, she’s often pulled in various directions with no warning. I respect the hell out of her for what she does, and she’s damn good at her job too.
When I first started school, I wanted to be a child psychologist so I could provide help to kids in a way I never received when I was younger. I quickly realized that I have a hard limit when it comes to anything related to children in peril and switched my focus to adult therapy.
But if I’m being honest, it’s often difficult listening to someone talk about their trauma no matter the age. I think about Harleigh and Delilah... They’re only two out of so many other young girls who have been dealt a shitty hand in life. My childhood was like growing up in the Brady Bunch compared to theirs.
When my phone vibrates against the table, I grab it quickly to see if it’s a message from Draven.
It’s not. Just an email.
“Expecting a call?” Marissa quirks her eyebrow at me over the top of her menu as I place my phone back down on the table.
“Hm? No. I had a client in crisis yesterday. I just wanted to make sure it wasn’t them.”
Yeah, right. You were the only person in crisis yesterday… Still in crisis today, if you ask me.
“So sorry I’m late ladies.” Olivia, thankfully, struts down the sidewalk toward us at that moment, taking the attention off of me. Leaning down, she kisses me on the cheek before turning to Marissa and doing the same.
“I’m glad you got a table outside; it’s so nice out today.”
Hanging her purse on the back of her chair, she drops into her seat with a sigh.
“So what did I miss?” She looks from Marissa to me before doing a double take, yes widening on me. “Did you change up your skincare routine?”
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Marissa bellows with laughter as I roll my eyes and put my sunglasses back on, despite the sun being tucked away behind a grouping of clouds.
“What?” Olivia’s head swivels between me and Marissa, her brows pulled together.
“I told you you were glowing when you got in my car.” Marissa shrugs like she can’t help being right.
“Ohhh…” When Olivia gasps, understanding setting in, I throw in the towel.
I won’t need to bring up anything because these two will unearth it all themselves.
“Did you have another…?” Olivia looks around before dropping her voice to a whisper, “sex dream?”
Shaking my head, I wipe my hands down my face.
“You didn’t tell me about any sex dreams.” Marissa places her hand over her chest with a look of mock hurt on her face. “Damn, they must have been really good if you’re that lit up about it.”
Glancing around, I’m thankful we decided on an early lunch, and the tables around us are mostly empty. I remove my sunglasses again, shifting my eyes between them and trying to make the words come out.
Still in a whisper, Olivia is the first to respond. “Oh my god, you had sex!”
“With whom?” Marissa tacks on.
“Did you find some rando at the bar like I suggested? When did you go out, and why didn’t you invite me?” Olivia fake pouts, knowing she’s usually too busy to go out anyway.
My head is absolutely swimming, adding to the pain that started earlier. Every time I try to spill my guts, they interrupt me.
“Oh god. I hope it wasn’t a rando.” Marissa’s eyes turn judgey. “That’s so dangerous.”
When I start massaging my temples, Olivia’s eyes narrow in question.
“Are your headaches coming back? I noticed you seemed like you were in pain the other night at dinner too.”
“No, no.” I shake my head—not just in response to her most recent question. “It’s nothing. Probably just related to the bomb I’m about to drop on you ladies.”
But my words evaporate before I can get them out. I take a deep breath, collecting myself, then I try again.
“He’s … not exactly a rando. He’s someone I’ve known for a little while, but…”
They each look at me with wide eyes and parted lips, knowing how long it’s been since I’ve slept with someone and the fact that this is so far out of the ordinary for me.
“But he’s a fucking patient.” I cover my face with my hands as a collective gasp rings between the two of them.
“The one you told me about?”
“McK! That’s a huge no-no!”
“Yes,” I look from Olivia to Marissa. “And I know… But can you both please just reserve your judgment and opinions for a minute to help me through the panic attack I’ve been holding back all morning?”
Each of them reach for me, placing their hands over mine.
“What I say next has to stay between us. It’s serious. Like more serious than the fact that I could lose my license. Okay? I’ll tell you as much as I can, but if I can’t answer one of your questions, please don’t push it.”
“You’re scaring me, McK.” When Marissa squeezes my hand, I muster a small smile.
I’m sorry that I ever got myself into this mess. But I’m even more sorry that they’re about to learn things that could get them in trouble if they don’t keep it to themselves.
“He’s a member of the Royal Bastards.”
“What?”
“Holy shit!” Olivia’s free hand flies over her mouth as the shock of my truth bomb hits her. “Now I understand what you meant when you told me he was a bad guy.”
I regret saying that now because deep down, I don’t think Draven is a bad guy. The term bad guy should, honestly, be relative to the crimes committed. If he helped kill Delilah’s father, like I believe he may have, getting her away from her abuser, is he the bad guy or the hero?
Fuck, I can’t believe I’m trying to justify his actions.
I really am losing my mind.
But it’s not me I need to convince.
Wait… I’m not trying to convince anyone. I need them to convince me to put an end to it.
But there will never be an end to it…
Rubbing the side of my head, I prepare to explain my dilemma further.
“Are you sure your head is okay?” I appreciate Marissa’s concern, but fuck… I really need to just get out what I need to say before I change my mind.
“I promise I’m okay.” I gaze back-and-forth between them before continuing. “The problem is, I can’t just stop seeing him … for reasons I can’t disclose. But also—and this is going to make me sound crazy—I don’t know that I want to stop seeing him.”
“Do you mean as a patient or a fuck buddy?” Marissa’s question is sarcastic, knowing there is no correct answer in her eyes. Her indignation cuts through me.
I pull my hands away from theirs when they both stare at me like they want to have me committed. Folding my arms across my chest, I sit back in my chair and take a deep breath.
“Okay, okay. Let’s start over.” The two of them exchange glances as I try to get my shit together enough to describe the kind of help I’m looking for. “Forget about who he is and that I can’t stop seeing him as a patient. That just overcomplicates everything because whether I want to have him as a client or not is not my choice.”
They roll their eyes, as though it’s possible to forget what I just told them.
“Before you go on, tell me the truth, McK.” Marissa’s severe tone forces my stare to stay on hers. “Are you in any kind of danger? Do not lie to me.”
I answer before thinking because even if I was, there is nothing either of them could do to help me.
“No. I promise. Not as long as this conversation stays between us.” I receive a quiet nod from them both before I continue.
“I was with him last night. We slept together, and then I fell asleep there by mistake. I don’t know. I was just so … content. It was nice, you know? But when I woke up this morning, I panicked and snuck out. Now I’m worried he’s going to be mad about it. To be honest, I’m even more worried he’s not going to be mad about it.”
I grip the armrests of my chair as my breathing increases. Opening and closing my fists around them, my anxiety gets worse the more I think about it.
“Sweetie, hey…” Marissa reaches her arm behind me to rub my back. “McKinsey, it’s all right. There’s a lot of emotions tied up in this. Let’s break it down, okay?”
As Marissa utters a phrase I’ve used on a countless number of my own patients, Olivia clasps my hand, trying to get me to relax my grip on the other armrest.
Just then, our server comes over to see if we’re ready to order. I hear Olivia ask him to bring me a water, but they don’t order anything else.
“Okay, first thing’s first. Did he at any point tell you that you weren’t allowed to leave?”
I look at Marissa and shake my head. “No, no. It wasn’t anything like that. And he didn’t force me to do anything either.”
For a moment I’m back in the garage, keeping Draven from leaving.
“In fact, I was the initiator.”
It only takes one look at Marissa’s wide eyes and Olivia’s rapid blinking to know they were not expecting to hear that.
“Frankly, honey,” Olivia clears her throat. “Based on the little you told me the other night, and now this, it sounds like you honestly like him. And him being the first person in a long time that you feel any amount of emotion for, it scares you to think that he may not feel the same. That you’d be worried to let him in, only for him to…”
Leave.
The three of us all think it without saying it.
Marissa nods her head, silently agreeing with everything Olivia just said.
Whether it be a sign or a bad omen, a loud, distinct rumble of engines echoes in the distance before drawing closer to the restaurant. The three of us whip our heads toward it.
My pussy gets wet instantly, knowing what—or who—is the source of that sound.
It’s confirmed a moment later when the entire club roars through town, including the women. Seeing Draven leading the pack in his Trans Am has my nipples pebbling and my heart trying to beat out of my chest.
And then I’m back in the garage again, Draven standing in front of me, talking about his car. The significance of his words when he peered into my soul and said he has an appreciation for beautiful things.
No one has ever spoken to me like that before. I yearn to have his voice in my ear again. To whisper sweet yet devastating words to me. To have his hands on my body, causing me to melt beneath his searing-hot touch.
I can’t see through his tinted windows to find out whether or not he’s seen me. To see the emotion on his face. If he’s angry or hurt.
Or indifferent…
But if I had any question at all about my feelings for him, the way my breath leaves me like it did when he pushed inside of me last night tells me everything I need to know.
Fuck my life.
I’m falling for Draven.