Chapter Twenty-One
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
DRAVEN
A nother session with McKinsey has been derailed by our inability to keep our hands off each other. The fierce way we made love this time around was different. Not that I’m complaining... After our talk, with the last barrier between us decimated, it was raw and unfiltered.
It was perfection.
“You should demand a raise from Royce for these therapy sessions, Doc. You’re worth way more than whatever he’s paying you.”
I kiss a path across her chest, where the mounds of her perfect tits begin, before looking back at her with a big smile on my face. She just stares at me, speechless.
“What?” I laugh, knowing she wouldn’t appreciate that comment.
“You make me feel like a whore when you say it like that.”
“I’m sorry. I was just kidding.” Crawling back up her body, I lay next to her, propping my head up on my hand.
“I know.” Turning on her side, she faces me. “So was I. And you’re right; I’m worth a lot more than he’s paying me.”
Placing her hand against my chest, she traces my pecs with her fingers. Her eyes follow the path she’s making as though she’s deep in thought.
Reaching out, I run my hand through her hair before cupping her chin in my palm. A thousand and one worries run through my head as I wonder if she’s feeling all right.
“Please don’t get mad at me for asking this, but are you okay?”
She closes her eyes for a moment before opening them again.
“I am. I just…” She nibbles in her lip as she considers her next words as I silently die waiting, worried she’s about to close herself off again. “I don’t know. I feel different… Better.”
I smile, hoping it masks some of the relief I’m feeling. “Better is good. I’m starting to feel better too.”
“I’m glad. Seriously. You have no idea how awful I’ve felt, thinking that I was failing you at every turn. You were grieving, and I couldn’t get over my own feelings in order to help you.”
“That’s just not true, though. A week ago, I thought I was ready to end it all. Now, for the first time since before my mother got sick, I feel hopeful again. For the first time since I was sixteen, I’m contemplating the fact that maybe I’m not a complete monster. That’s not an opinion of myself I’ve considered for a long time.”
Placing her hand on my cheek, she grabs my full attention. “You are not a monster, Draven. You...”
Her eyes pivot between mine, and I wait for her to continue. But she doesn’t…
And it kills me.
“What is it?” She may think of herself as needy or a lot to handle, but I’m the one who’s desperate for her approval.
I crave every last detail of her opinion on me, whether good or bad. If she needs more from me, I want to give it to her. If she needs less… Well, I’ll try to back off a little, but I can’t make any promises.
I watch the gears turn in her head as she carefully chooses her next words.
“Please, just… Say whatever you need to say. I can take it.”
“I still don’t know how safe it is for me to know certain things about you, Draven. I don’t even know if I actually know things that I think I know.”
Lying flat on her back again, she looks away from me and sighs deeply.
“What do you think you know?” I fight to clear the concern lodged in my throat.
“Jesus, what am I getting myself into?” I think she’s asking me, but before I can respond she continues talking as though looking for answers in the ceiling. “How can they expect me to learn things about them and not come to my own conclusions? Or at least require certain explanations from them from time to time?”
I look from her to the ceiling then back.
“Who you talking to there, Doc?”
“No one.” With exasperation in her voice, she continues. “But taking the two different situations we’re in and pulling them apart for a second reveals a problem.”
I decide the only way to get any answers from her is to play along. So that’s what I do.
“What are the two situations?”
She holds one hand out, explaining it to me. “You and I, casually sleeping together and getting to know one another.” Then she does the same with her other hand. “You as a member of a scary-ass MC and me the reluctant therapist who is afraid to ask questions about that part of your life because I don’t want to die.”
Oh.
“Okay. Well, first of all, as I told you before, you’ve never been in any actual danger with the club. We would have figured it out early on if you couldn’t be trusted and dealt with you then. But even if that happened, we wouldn’t have just killed you.”
“What the hell would you have done?”
“I don’t know… Probably just threatened you bad enough to keep you quiet.”
Scoffing, she rolls her eyes at me, but I ignore her.
“Secondly, I’ve already told Royce and the others that you’re under my protection?—”
“Wait, what?” This time she sits up, holding the blankets against her. Her eyes are wide as saucers as I join her and rest my back against the pillows. “Explain, please.”
Taking a deep breath, I tell her about the argument I got into with Royce yesterday.
“He saw me? And everyone knows we’re sleeping together?” The color drains from her face, and she shields it from me with her comforter. “Oh god .”
With her face still hidden, she falls over onto her side. I tug the blankets away from her and straighten her body out, laying mine overtop of hers.
“Kins… Look at me.” I place each of my palms at the sides of her face, running my thumbs over her cheeks until she relaxes a little. “It’s not the end of the world. We’re adults. This is what adults do. Now, can you please tell me what you were trying to say a minute ago?”
This time she blurts out what she couldn’t before, as though the blow she took learning about getting caught by Royce stole every bit of strength she had to keep the information inside.
“I think you might have had something to do with the disappearance of Delilah’s father. But I also think that makes you a hero, not a bad guy.”
Now I’m the one overcome with shock. There was a part of me that wondered how much the doc would figure out about us from her sessions with Delilah and Harleigh. She’s very smart. But hearing the words come out of her mouth, even as complimentary as they are, is like getting cold water thrown on me.
“Please don’t kill me.” She interrupts my freak out with a look of pure terror on her face.
“What? I’m… I’m not going to kill you.” I laugh humorlessly. “I wasn't lying when I said you were safe with me. It’s just … hard to hear you refer to me as a killer and a hero in the same sentence.”
“S-so … he is dead, then?” Her voice comes out in barely a whisper.
Dropping my head onto her chest, I think of the potential consequences of telling her the truth. I could lose her for good. But I don’t want to lie to her either.
“If I say yes, what will that mean for us?” I gingerly kiss her sternum, as though it could be the last time I get to do so.
“It wouldn’t change anything.” Slowly, I lift my head, wondering if I heard her correctly. “Delilah didn’t give you guys up. It’s like I somehow knew the truth all along, but I’ve always been too scared to let on that I did. Again, I didn’t want to give any of you a reason to have to kill me.”
My entire body hums as relief washes over me. Pressing my lips to hers, I get lost in our kiss. When we break apart again, I look into her eyes.
“I’m sorry you’ve been in fear of us—of me—for so long.”
“I’m actually the least scared of you. Well, in regard to my survival anyway. My relationship fears still all belong to you.”
When I gape at her in mock offense, she laughs.
“I think it’s because out of everyone, we’ve spent the most time together. I mean, I found you annoying when you would poke fun at me but not scary.”
“I’m glad.” I twirl a strand of her silky hair around my finger. “I don’t want you to be afraid of me. And I only made fun of you because I think you’re sexy when you’re angry.”
Scooting off of her, I rest at her side, both of us staring at the ceiling. We’re quiet, but our thoughts are equally loud. I can’t tell what she’s thinking, but it’s a good sign that she hasn’t gotten out of bed yet. Meanwhile, I’m still trying to convince myself that she doesn’t see me as a horrible person.
“Are we crazy for attempting this?” She breaks through the silence in the room.
There it is. Her uncertainty pierces me like a blade, but I remain quiet. Maybe she just needs to talk it through and get it out of her system. Turning onto my side again, I face her.
“Seriously, no matter how many ways I try to cut it, there’s no way we can ever have a normal relationship. How is this supposed to work, Draven? I can’t picture family dinners where I invite my—oh god , my mother…”
Her fingers fly to her temples, and she begins rubbing them in a circular motion.
“There’s no fucking way…” She says it like she’s talking to someone else in the room again.
“I think…” I pause, searching for the right words. “That if something is important enough to you, you find a way to adapt and make it work in whatever way you can.”
“Well, then you can never meet my mother. Period.”
Remembering how she reacted the last time I tried to defend her mother, I keep quiet this time.
“My friends already think I’m certifiable for even seeing you as a patient. They nearly committed me when I told them I’d slept with you.”
My heart beats a little harder, knowing she’s talked to her friends about me.
“Is that what you were talking about when I saw you at Bastien’s yesterday?” I don’t bother trying to hide the cocky smile from my face.
“I knew you saw me sitting out there. I could feel your stare on me through the blacked-out windows of your car.”
“You know, that should be enough of a sign that we should do whatever it takes to give this a fair and decent try. You couldn’t see my eyes, but you felt how badly I was burning for you anyway.”
I love the feel of her muscles twitching beneath my touch as I run the pads of my fingers over her stomach.
“I say we cross every bridge as we come to it. Some will be easier than others to pass, but if we can learn to work through the obstacles together, I see no reason why this can’t work.”
“You’d make an incredible therapist, you know that?” My skin tingles where she runs her thumb over my eyebrows and down the side of my face. “You’re making me look bad.”
I shrug. “Yeah, maybe in another life.”
“Thank you for letting me have this time to freak out a little. You’ll quickly find, unfortunately, that I’m a bit neurotic.”
“You’re not neurotic; you’re perfectly normal, displaying a normal amount of anxiety.”
“I had to make a mental flow chart of how to handle tonight, depending on whether or not you showed up.”
“That’s … adorable.” The corner of my mouth twitches into a smile.
Tearing her gaze from me, she zeroes in on the ceiling again. I have a feeling she lies awake a lot here, confessing all of her thoughts and fears to the walls and the spirits of those who worried here before her.
“When you didn’t call or text me, I thought you were mad because I left the other night.”
“Well, I wasn’t exactly excited to wake up alone. I took the hint that you probably needed space. But if it will help for me to communicate more with you, then that’s what I’ll do.”
She tugs on her ear, appearing conflicted. Like she’s unsure if I will be able to handle her wants or needs.
“Thank you for telling me about your prior relationships, Kins.” Finally, she looks at me again. “I know that was probably hard for you. I don’t have much experience being in a relationship. I cared for Eva, but I didn’t really know how to be there for her. I don’t want to make the same mistakes with you, so I’m going to need you to tell me if I’m doing something wrong.”
Her eyes glisten as she blinks rapidly. Nodding, she gifts me a small smile. It’s as though I’ve said exactly what she needed to hear in order to make her believe that I’m in this for the long run. To make sure she knows that her happiness is important to me, and that I’m going to hold on to my promise of never giving up on her.