CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO Van #2
“May I be even more direct, Van?” he asked. He had my attention. My heart rate increased when I realized I may have painted myself into a corner yakking about my inner voice’s honesty. He continued. “If we’re verbalizing inner voices tonight, I’d like to share mine with you.”
I shifted off my elbow and lay backward on the bed. His hand remained on my chest. If he wanted to, I imagined he could feel my heart rate speeding up. I’d brought the subject of inner voices up, so if I didn’t like what he said, I had no one to blame but myself.
“Go ahead. I encourage you to share,” I replied.
I had hope that he might speak about where we were in our relationship, and what his opinion regarding us having so much sex was, so I decided to bring the subject up.
“Real quick, though,” I added. “We’ve been doing this…
you know… the sex stuff for nearly a week now, and I was wondering what you’re thinking. ”
He didn’t hesitate to answer. “I think I like having sex with you. Scratch that!” he amended. “I know I like having sex with you.”
“Your inner voice approves of our sex?” I asked, fishing for more detail.
“Yes,” he continued. “And my inner voice is warning me about falling in love with you.”
He sat up, repositioning to face me, seemingly waiting for my reaction after voicing what his warning was. I hadn’t expected him to have the same thoughts I’d been wrestling with.
“Warning you, huh?” I asked, also sitting up and facing him.
I reached for his hand to encourage the conversation.
Old me would’ve clammed up and been afraid to hear whatever he was about to reveal.
But that approach didn’t fit with who I wanted to be, attempted to be, needed to be, now.
I knew where I was emotionally and had my questions about him, but this conversation may make my decision unnecessary.
“I’m falling for you, Van. Frankly, head over heels, and falling for you,” he declared.
Warmth ignited my cheeks. Was the blushing caused by the excitement of his revelation, or confirmation of my own true feelings for him? Perhaps his admission felt premature to me? Or… did my face feel flushed from the warnings on my mind too?
“I feel the same,” I admitted.
“You do?”
“I do.”
Chip let out a held breath and grinned. “Okay, so… about the warning I mentioned.”
“Aww,” I teased. “So there’s a warning attached to your declaration of falling for me, is there?”
“My heart, or maybe my brain, I’m not certain which,” he muttered, his hands moving to his lap and fidgeting. “Anyway, doesn’t matter which, but one of ’em is afraid you’re just on a pit stop here in Missile.”
“I am,” I replied. “Or I was,” I corrected.
“Which one do you feel it is?” he asked.
“Do you want to know what my inner voice’s warning is first?” I inquired.
“Sorta,” he whispered, nervously looking away. “Sorta not.”
“I’ll tell you anyway,” I stated. He nodded, encouraging me to go ahead even if he seemed reluctant. “I worry you’re not over John.”
Expecting him to deny my worry, I was surprised by his answer. “You could be correct,” he agreed.
Not the answer I expected. “Wow,” I whispered, leaning back on my hands. “That was honest.”
“How does one know?” he asked. “If the only person you ever loved leaves you, is there a time chart that tells you how long it hurts?”
“I get that,” I concurred, knowing exactly what he meant. “I guess I’m curious if we can have those feelings about a past love, while risking our hearts on someone new?”
Chip reached for my hand and brought it to his mouth, kissing me gently. “What if risking your heart on someone new, as you say, is part of getting over the hurt?” he asked.
His question was valid. “Like, we couldn’t be capable of feeling new love if we weren’t truly over the past love?” I inquired.
His lips pursed, his expression thoughtful as heavy-lidded eyes contemplated the possibility I’d hit on something.
I’d noticed Chip was very careful before answering serious questions or entertaining different ideas.
He possessed an attractive and mature ability to truly process information before responding.
“That is precisely what I was thinking,” he admitted. “Almost since the day you showed up at the mercantile, and until now, my thoughts have been focused on you, not John.”
Hearing him admit such a powerful insight flooded my heart. The fear he hadn’t moved past John gently melted into the background, and seeing myself with him suddenly became a realistic option.
Meeting Chip and being around him for the past week had revealed a man considerably more mature than a typical twenty-four-year-old.
And I feel like a good judge of such things, being the same age.
He carried himself as a man many years wiser.
I assumed that the amount of loss he’d experienced forced him to develop the maturity he exhibited.
I’m not sure why I said what I said next, but I spoke about another fear. “I don’t think John is happy with his choice of Evan,” I blurted.
Like my sudden pronouncement was to me, his reaction was one of surprise. He stood from the bed in a hurry, located his boxers, and pulled them on before going to stand at the bedroom window. My desire to take back what I’d just said was overwhelming.
“You idiot,” I muttered under my breath.
Chip turned around. “Why tell me that?” he asked. I stood and walked toward him, but he held his hand up. “Hang on a sec.”
I froze in place. “Let me explain,” I pleaded.
“No need,” he replied. “Are you testing me, Van?”
First instinct was to deflect, lie, or come up with a brilliant defense. The need for total transparency and a future built on truth outweighed my desire to preserve the moment.
“Probably,” I confessed, backing up and coming to sit on the edge of the bed. “Yes. Yes, I was.”
“Why?”
“Because he’ll come back to Missile,” I whispered, tearing up. I gestured around the room, absorbing everything I’d come to love about his home. “And then how I feel about all of this is for naught.”
By that point, I accepted the cry lodged in my throat and let it out. I sat back on the edge of the bed. My head fell forward, and my shoulders heaved as I let fear and regret speak through my tears.
Chip quickly moved in front of me, dropping to his knees. “Hey now, baby. Shhhh,” he soothed, grabbing my hands and squeezing them. “Listen to me, Van.”
I couldn’t look him in the eye, embarrassment at my junior-high level behavior overcoming me. My insecurities had come to the forefront yet again. Regardless of how composed, with a so-called new attitude, I professed to be, I couldn’t escape my self-doubt.
Chip lifted my chin and wiped the corners of my eyes. “Scary, isn’t it?” he whispered, kissing my nose like he often did. The sweet gesture was so endearing and always captured my heart.
“Mm-hmm,” I mumbled, letting the waterworks wash over me.
“Voicing our fears out loud takes courage,” he explained.
The speed with which he’d gone from disappointed in me to caring certified my feelings.
This man was in touch with his emotional state.
He cared about other people. He looked past his hurt feelings a moment ago and had the capacity to quickly focus on mine.
To say I was unaccustomed to such treatment would be the world’s largest misstatement.
“As usual, I’m putting up roadblocks,” I acknowledged, swiping my nose. “John will come back here and realize what a mistake he made. Why wouldn’t he?” I asked, hiccupping a cry like a five-year-old might.
“And guess what?” he asked, lifting my chin once again and waiting for me to focus on him. “I’m certain you’ll leave Missile. Why wouldn’t you?”
I saw what he did there and wanted to laugh, but the fear I’d verbalized was all too real, and this wasn’t a joking matter. “I wouldn’t because you’re here,” I admitted. “And because I think I’m in love with you.”
His eyes widened. “You think?” he teased, smiling and joining me in the waterworks. “Or you’re willing to wait around a little longer to see if you have fallen in love with me?”
Ever the one to need a million guarantees no one could provide me, I had another question. “What if John does come back?”
Chip didn’t seem disappointed by my query. After years of ridicule for being insecure, I appreciated not being judged. A corner of his mouth pinched while he appeared to be seriously considering my question.
“I’m going to address your fear the best way I can,” he began, pausing for a moment and pinching the bridge of his nose.
“To be honest, I spent months wishing he would. I hoped whoever he dumped me for would end up a disastrous choice, and he’d come running back to me.
You telling me he gave you the impression he’d made an error leaving me made me feel good,” he admitted, pausing. “For about a second.”
“It did?” I asked, distress clear in my voice.
Chip nodded, motioning to the window. “That’s why I hopped out of bed and went to the window.
I needed a moment to compose myself. I felt happy about the possibility that what you’d said was true, and I needed a minute to digest your news.
Trust me, I’m only human, Van. However, the emotion that really came through was us facing these fears head-on. Speaking them out loud to one another.”
“I’m not as together as I’d like you to think,” I revealed. “In fact, I accept I can be needier than I wish to be.”
“So, you realize you may need assurances during your relationships?” he asked. I nodded. “Assurances such as constant I love yous, help creating a team, or having a supportive ear to listen to your fears? I think I’m good at that stuff.”
“What can I be good at?” I asked, losing every instinct to resist my feelings for him.
“How about the same stuff?”
Chip leaned forward, held the sides of my face, and gently placed his lips on mine. After a chaste kiss, he pulled back, gazing into my eyes and grinning mischievously.
“I’ll try my hardest,” I whispered.
“I know you will.”