40. Chapter 39
Chapter 39
Beth
M ary gave me the rest of the weekend off. Normally I’d be excited for a three-day weekend, but I was too exhausted and too nervous to let Chase out of my sight to enjoy it.
I slept okay Thursday night, probably because I was beyond exhausted and Doug was downstairs, watching over us. He left early Friday morning, after making coffee and breakfast, to go home and change before going to work.
Chase got up soon after Doug left. I was shocked he’d slept so long but given what he’d been through the last couple of days I shouldn’t have been.
Chase and I didn’t leave the house. His energy was low, but that was to be expected and I didn’t have the energy to deal with anything or anyone. Chase clung to me like white on rice. If I was out of view for more than a few minutes, he’d come looking for me and give me a hug.
I didn’t mind—I needed to be near him too.
After eating the sandwiches and salad Doug had delivered for lunch, Chase and I napped through a movie. Doug offered to come by and make dinner for us, but I declined. I wanted time alone with Chase. Now that I was better rested, I needed to start acting like a mom again.
Which meant cooking and cleaning. He called later that night and asked if I wanted him to stay on the couch again, offering to come over after Chase was in bed.
“Wouldn’t you rather go do something fun on a Friday night?”
“No.”
That was it. One word, but it meant everything. Thinking back to what I’d seen with other guys from SSI, I asked, “Will you watch over the house if I say no?”
“Yes.” After a pause, he added, “I want you to feel safe.”
“Okay, you can stay on the couch.” Then because it had sounded like I was doing him a favor instead of him doing one for me, I said, “Thank you for offering. I’ll feel safer knowing you’re here.”
“You’re welcome.”
“Call me after Chase goes to bed.”
“Thanks. See you later.”
I almost didn’t call him, but I wanted him here.
I wanted to tell him how I felt but was worried about trapping him in a relationship that would deny him his own kids. Even if he says he’s okay with it now, will he still be okay with it later? Could I survive losing my heart again?
We had so much to talk about, but I was still too emotionally raw to deal with it so I suggested we watch TV instead. It didn’t take long for me to fall asleep in the comfort of his arms.
He made breakfast before leaving. I felt bad for not inviting him to stay, but John and Mary were coming over for lunch and I needed to take care of things around the house before they arrived. And I don’t want him here when Chase wakes up.
“How are you holding up?” Mary asked once we were alone. Mary and I were sitting on the back patio, sipping sweet tea, while John played catch with Chase in the backyard.
It felt good, normal, to spend time with them. Normalcy was what Chase and I needed.
“Okay. Mostly. I’m still scared to let him out of my sight. The constant anxiety is exhausting.” I paused to sip my tea and watch Chase run after a ball he missed, giggling. “But this is helping. Thanks.”
“Any time. You know we love both of you and we’ll always be here for you.” Mary patted my arm.
“I know. And you guys know I’m here for you too.”
She nodded. “How are things with Doug?”
“He’s been a lifesaver. Staying over at night so we feel safe, feeding us. Did I tell you he surprised us with lunch on Friday?” I could feel my smile growing as I talked about it. “He’s been so helpful.”
“Mm hmm.” Mary looked at me with a wicked grin and one eyebrow raised.
I laughed. She knew me too well. “Okay, okay. It’s been nice having him around, period. It feels good to have someone look out for us.”
She looked at John before answering, “I know.”
John and Mary. Mary and John. I couldn’t imagine either of them without the other. They challenged each other daily, often driving each other crazy, but they loved each other completely. It didn’t matter how big of a fight they were having—if you went after one of them, you’d face both. John liked to say he was the protector of the family, but everyone knew you didn’t mess with Mamma Bear Mary.
Would it have been like that for Phil and I? Can have something like it with Doug?
I shook my head to clear it. Dwelling about the past and worrying about the future wasn’t going to change the present. In the present, all I wanted to do was spend time with my precious son.