44. Chapter 43
Chapter 43
Beth
C hase was thrilled when I told him we were going to see Grandma. She didn’t know about our recent ordeal; I’d intentionally not told her because I didn’t want to risk making her declining health worse. I waited until Chase had some time to recover before bringing him for a visit.
And I want to avoid seeing Doug . No doubt about it, I was being a coward.
I was sure my mom was curious why we were making an unexpected visit on a Monday, but I couldn’t tell her over the phone. It was better to tell her in person, so she could see Chase was safe and sound, eliminating her need to worry.
And it did, but it didn’t stop her from being angry at me for not telling her when it was happening.
“I could have been there for you,” she said.
“I know Mom, but I didn’t want to worry you.” She couldn’t drive anymore, so there wasn’t much she could have done except call and offer support, or express concern.
“I forgive you. Just don’t do it again.” Her voice was weak but still held authority. “It’s my job to worry about you. And I’m not so sick I need you protecting me from scary news.”
“I promise. Hopefully, we never have to go through anything like that again.”
Luckily, Mom was having a good day and in high spirits. She hugged Chase a little more than usual, which Chase didn’t mind. He didn’t see her nearly enough. That’s my fault . Not wanting to miss out on what was left of her life, I made a vow to visit more often.
More than once my mom asked me why I seemed distracted, and every time I blamed it on what had happened.
She nodded and said, “uh huh,” each time. I half expected her to badger me with questions, but thankfully she let it go.
We headed home after lunch, so my mom could take a nap. As we were leaving, I promised we’d be back soon. She told me to call when I was ready to talk about what was really bothering me.
I didn’t think I’d ever tell her about Doug. There was no point since I had to let him go.
After we got home, I called Doug and asked if he could come over after Chase went to bed.
When Doug arrived, I led him to the kitchen table rather than the living room. I wanted the table between us as a buffer. Not because I thought he’d hurt me, he wouldn’t, but because I was afraid I’d lose my resolve if he was close enough to touch. To feel his comforting warmth radiating off his body. To smell the clean leather and pine scent he so often wore.
His greeting was formal. His expression reserved. Not like his normal stoic work expression, or the smile he always wore when he was with me.
He knows something’s wrong .
It wasn’t like I’d done a good job of hiding it. I hadn’t answered his phone calls, and my text messages were short and impersonal. It didn’t take a PI to know something was up.
“Beth, is everything okay?”
The concern in his voice made me want to reconsider, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t condemn him to a life without kids.
“Do you want something to drink? Tea? Coffee?” I avoided his question as I fidgeted in the kitchen. Doing anything to avoid making eye contact.
“No, what I want is for you to sit down and talk to me.” His voice had an impatient edge to it. It was a tone he’d never used with me before.
I deserved his irritation after being so distant and rude. I was a grown woman, a mature adult. You’re not acting like it.
Time to face the music. I sat across from him, clasped my hands together, and rested them on the table.
“Doug, this isn’t going to work.” I couldn’t look him in the eyes, so I stated at his chest. His strong, warm chest that always felt so good, so safe, to relax into as he held me.
His chest lifted as he inhaled sharply, then fell when he released his breath. When he reached for my hands, I pulled them away and set them in my lap.
“What happened? Did I do something? Say something to upset you?”
I could feel my lower lip trembling as I shook my head. Now that I was sitting down and actually doing it, breaking up with him, all the things I’d rehearsed to make this easier flew out of my head.
“I, we, this isn’t going to work,” I said, instead of answering his question.
“Why? Is it because I stayed when Chase asked me to have dinner with you? Did I overstep by accepting.” He was struggling to keep his voice calm, but I could hear his confusion.
“No, that’s not it.”
“Beth, please?”
It was time to put on my big girl panties and do this. “Doug, I can’t give you what you want.”
And even if I could, I’m afraid of losing you. I hadn’t fully recovered from the fear of losing Chase, and the memories of losing Phil were back in the front of my mind.
“What the hell does that mean?” Doug raised his voice then looked at the stairs. He couldn’t know he hadn’t been loud enough to wake Chase.
But he was loud enough, and his frustration obvious enough, that I cringed.
“I’m too old to have kids.” My nails dug into my hands as I spoke.
His shoulders relaxed as he said, “I know that, and it’s not a problem-”
I cut him off. “You say that now, but you’ll change your mind.” I blinked back the tears threatening to fall. I needed to be strong, or at least not look like a blubbering fool, while I got through this.
“Beth, please lis-” The frustration was back in his voice.
Why won’t he listen to me? I’m doing this for him . If anyone should be frustrated, it’s me. I’m trying to save us a lot of heartache down the road.
“You deserve the life you want, the family you want.”
“Will you please-”
I shook my head as I cut him off. Nothing he could say would make me change my mind. “No, this is for the bes-”
Doug stood up and put his hands on the table. His sudden movement knocked his chair over, forcing him to shout over the sound of it crashing. “Beth, will you please be quiet and list-”
“Mommy?” Chase’s scared voice reached us from the stairs.
Shit .
“Chase, everything’s okay.” I turned to Doug and said, “You should leave.” I couldn’t deal with him and calm Chase down.
“Beth, please?”
“Just go.” I brushed away the tears I could no longer hold back as I watched him leave.
“I’ll be right there, Baby.” I said as I walked to the front door to lock it behind him. Out the window, I could see Doug’s shoulders slouched forward, making him look smaller. Defeated. He glanced back at the house before getting in his truck, but I couldn’t read his expression in the dark.
Watching him leave tore at my heart, but doing so bought me some much-needed time to compose myself before I talked to Chase.
The last week had been hell. Chase and I had been through so much, and now I had to wipe the tears from his face yet again while I explained why Mr. Doug was upset.
He’s upset with me for doing what’s best . How was I supposed to explain that to Chase?
“Mommy, why are you crying?” One look at Chase’s crest-fallen face and I changed my mind.
Fuck the truth .