Chapter 33
Alani
I exhausted myself last night, lying next to him for hours before being able to fall asleep. I fought the urge to talk, to tell him how I felt because rejection with those words unspoken seemed so much better than the real rejection of him telling me to leave, knowing how I feel.
It seems the war I fought inside myself didn’t even matter. I know he’s gone before I have the chance to open my eyes and sit up on the side of the bed. The open closet door and the missing duffel is as loud as cannon fire in the small bedroom.
He told me last night this wasn’t his house. I guess I just never imagined he’d leave me here and go home without me.
I shouldn’t be surprised. I can’t think of one moment when he consulted me for anything past asking me yesterday if I wanted a burger and fries. Even then, I think if I had said no, he’d tell me too bad and order exactly that anyway.
As I pull my phone out, I consider the consequences of ordering an Uber. It puts me on record as being here, and considering a man died in this house, that probably isn’t a good thing.
I fire a text off to Ayla for her to come get me instead, hating the million questions I know I’m going to field on the drive back to the house.
Thankfully, I’m returning to college tomorrow. Nash was able to work something out, and they accepted me back. I’ll be on probation because my grades were so terrible last semester, but at least I’ll be able to have some form of independent living.
I don’t bother showering because I don’t have clean clothes to change into. Plus, if it’s the last time I’ll see Donavan, I don’t mind him being on my skin a little while longer.
My anger grows as I sit and wait for Ayla.
Why did he ask me to come with him if he was just going to sneak away in the night like an asshole?
Do I mean so little to him that I didn’t even warrant a simple goodbye?
Did he think I was going to beg him to let me go with him?
He made it very clear what I meant to him in the truck after leaving the office. I knew where I stood as far as he was concerned even before that.
Somehow, even knowing that, his sneaky departure slices at my skin in a very painful way.
I’ve never had a problem with just sex. It’s never been that big of a deal. Hell, I much preferred getting the deed done and moving on.
Yeah, the sex with Donavan is life-altering but there’s something to be said for being up front and honest, rather than using facial expressions and expecting someone to translate those correctly.
Surprisingly, Ayla keeps her mouth shut when I open the passenger side door fifteen minutes later, and she doesn’t speak until she pulls up outside the house.
“You’re not coming in?” I ask when she doesn’t turn off the car or take her seatbelt off.
“I have a meeting.”
She doesn’t offer anything else, and I can’t tell if she’s being secretive. But our relationship still hasn’t completely recovered from her being gone so long, her lies, and then the confessions of what actually happened.
I don’t know if we’ll ever heal completely and get back to how we were before. I don’t know if either of us even want that, honestly. I don’t need a mother, and I’m fairly certain she’s content with not having to be my parent.
I wanted freedom. I wanted to be an adult, but I also never thought it would come at the expense of losing her too.
“I leave for school tomorrow. Did you want to take me or—”
“Nash said you can take the car again. Keys are on the table by the door.”
I nod, my emotions threatening to get clogged in my throat.
“I was going to leave early,” I say.
“My meeting is out of town, but I’ll call you tomorrow evening to make sure you made it there safely.”
“Is there something I should know?”
She shakes her head. “Everything is fine.”
She offers nothing else, and it’s just one more testament to how far we’ve drifted from each other. The old me would point fingers and blame her, but I know I’ve played a huge part in driving that wedge between us.
“I’ll text when I make it,” I tell her and climb out of the car.
The house is tomb quiet, but I’ve grown used to the silence around here.
I make quick work of a shower before starting to pack my things.
From working and getting tips, my bank account has enough that I could get an apartment near campus for a few months, but I don’t have enough to cover the entire semester.
Nash offered to pay for one, but I’ll be damned if I’ll take anything from that man.
I try not to think about the danger I could still be in. I don’t know if this Cortez guy will send someone else after me, but I plan to be diligent.
The days of me putting myself in danger are over.
Donavan was there most times things really could’ve gone wrong for me, but him leaving hurts more than I think anyone else could cause. Physical pain has a way of dulling over time. The way my chest feels like it’s going to cave in is something I wish I could’ve avoided altogether.
I wanted to ask yesterday, while I was at the office, if the meeting was about Cortez, but I doubted anyone would give me any details.
Being denied an answer would’ve just pissed me off.
I’d like to think Ayla would warn me or ask me to start school later if I were in danger, but I guess there’s always a chance that she’s too busy with her own life to worry about me.
I’ve screamed until I was red in the face claiming to be an adult, so I guess this is her way of proving that I am.
Afternoon fades into evening, which fades into night, without Nash or Ayla returning home.
I check the locks a hundred times, and never grow calm enough to fall asleep. The drive back to campus tomorrow is going to suck.
I make mental plans to be better this next semester.
If anything so I can have a job different from waiting tables, not that I’ve declared a major or anything.
The idea of working in an office for the rest of my life makes my skin crawl, but not as much as going home every night smelling like fryer grease.
I leave Nash’s house behind, refusing to see the use of his car as anything other than his way of getting me out of their hair. Traffic is horrific because I-35 is never fucking calm.
I try to put as many miles between how I feel about Donavan as I put between Mission and Lindell, but as I pull up to campus, I still look around, hoping to see him hiding in the shadows.