Chapter 26 Ten percent off Bikini Night at the Beaver Dam #3
Her expression changed from flawless smugness to snarly defensiveness. “It’s not trademark infringement if you change the name. And our Flugtag will have what, boys?” She turned to her shirtless companions.
“Booze!” they shouted.
“You want boos? We’ll give you boos,” someone yelled. The crowd began to boo again. I joined in with enthusiasm.
“That doesn’t sound catastrophic to your insurance policy at all,” Gage said dryly.
Nina sidled up to him, invading his personal space with her expensive, cloying perfume.
Oh my God. I’d forgotten that Gage had actually dated the blond villain. She sure as hell looked interested in revisiting that history. If I knew what hackles were and had them, mine would have been standing up as she laid a hand on his crossed arms.
“Okay, Cruella, let’s back the hell off before I have to slap you in the face with an oversize bingo card,” I said, making a move toward her.
Hazel caught me by the hood of one of my sweatshirts and dragged me back a step.
Nina gave me a frosty look. “And just who do you think you are?”
“I’m Story Lake’s publicist, and your presence is bringing down the property value,” I rasped, still fighting Hazel’s hold on my sweatshirt as it choked me.
Nina snorted indelicately. “I wouldn’t expect a backwater hovel full of uneducated hicks to know fun even if it showed up with a free Fireball fountain.”
The boos intensified, and Hazel managed to pull me back a few steps.
“She’s literally the worst, right? I’m not just imagining it?” I asked.
“The worst,” Hazel agreed.
“She’s so hot. But also just straight up evil, so that lowers the hotness factor,” Harry agreed. “It’s like I hate her, but I can’t stop looking at her.”
“You really need to get a girlfriend your own age,” I told him.
“We’ll look forward to you patronizing us for Dominion Boozetag. We’re building an entire festival around it. No one will want to miss it.” Nina’s smile was feline as one of her shirtless minions unrolled a poster.
Gasps rose up from the crowd.
“You absolute shit waffle,” I hissed as I read the date on the poster.
“That’s Reader Weekend,” Hazel hissed.
My blood boiled. Nina Vampic was threatening my client’s book launch and terrorizing my town. This meant war.
“Nina, I think you should leave,” Darius said.
“Nina, I think you should leave,” she mimicked. “Give them their prizes, boys.”
Her half-naked minions produced a T-shirt cannon and a money gun.
“I am politely requesting that you don’t—” Darius’s request was cut off by the first boom of the cannon.
They fired shirts and hundreds of little slips of paper into the crowd.
A T-shirt bounced off Gator Johnson’s grizzled face.
Another one hit Junior Wallpeter in the chest. Neither of them tried to catch them.
I snatched a paper off the ground. It was a coupon for discounted whiskey shots at one of Dominion’s seedier bars.
On the other side was a coupon for 10 percent off Bikini Night at the Beaver Dam.
There was an asterisk that led to a disclaimer that the coupons were only good when the establishments were open to the public after they passed their follow-up health inspections.
“Why do these smell like beer?” I wondered out loud.
“We use special paper recycled from brewery menus because, unlike you, we’re geniuses at marketing,” Nina said snottily.
I wanted to take a fistful of coupons and stuff them down her throat. But that would be impulsive and probably result in a lawsuit or criminal charges. Instead, I would plot my revenge and unleash it in her dumb face when she least expected it.
“Oh, I can’t wait,” I said.
“To come to Boozetag when your little festival fails?” Nina asked.
“Nope.” I crumpled the coupon in my fist. “To kick. Your. Ass.”
Gage stepped in front of me, blocking my path to Nina’s punchable face with his body. “Easy there, Disaster,” he warned me.
“You go ahead and host your trademark-infringing festival,” Darius said. “Story Lake’s Reader Weekend will happen, and it will be a success.”
I joined the aggressive applause at his statement, wishing it was Nina’s stupid gorgeous face between my palms.
“We’ll see about that. Who’s going to care about some silly little book in some pathetic little town full of losers?”
“That’s it. I’m punching the teeth out of her face,” I said.
Hazel yanked my hood back as Gage blocked any forward progress.
“Just…let me…punch…face.”
“God, you’re cute when you’re violently impulsive,” Gage said, holding me back.
“You’re just saying that because you want to have sex with me again.”
“Much as I love the banter, let’s focus on the immediate threat,” Hazel suggested.
“Leave Story Lake alone, Nina,” Emilie said, stepping up to join us on the front lines.
A murmur rose up around us, and I quit struggling against my captors.
“Ugh. I expected more from you, Emilie,” Nina said with a roll of her eyes.
“I love this town. I thought working with you was the only way to save Story Lake. But I was wrong. I forgot just how resilient we are. We never did anything to you. You’re the one who keeps going on the offensive. One of these days, it’s going to bite you in the ass,” Emilie snarled.
Rump Roast roused himself as if he’d been activated by a command and trotted menacingly toward Nina. Well, as menacing as an animal with bouncy ears and a curly tail could be.
“Oooh,” crooned the crowd.
Nina ducked behind her wall of bare-chested minions. “You can’t sic your farm animals on me! I’ll personally sue each and every one of you into bankruptcy.”
Levi Bishop materialized out of the crowd, looking annoyed. “And I’ll personally fine you for every single coupon you just littered all over our lakefront. Three hundred dollars per incident, and I’m seein’ at least five hundred incidents.”
“Actually, it was a thousand,” the minion with the money gun said.
“Shut up, Kevin,” snapped Nina.
“I suggest you leave now before I cite you,” Levi said.
“Fine. We’re going. But you haven’t seen the last of us,” Nina said, turning on her heel and stalking back to the bus, her nose in the air.
“I can’t believe you dated her,” I said to Gage.
“Give me a break. I was nineteen and a moron. My taste has obviously improved since then.”
“Can I let go of your hood to write that down, or are you still feeling punchy?” Hazel asked me.
“I will live to punch another day,” I vowed as Nina and her battalion of hotties climbed back on the bus.
She locked eyes with me and raised both middle fingers defiantly.
“Someone give me a potato. Now!” I barked.
Eleven people within close proximity held up baked potatoes.
I snatched the potato out of Dr. Ace’s hand. “Hey, Nina! Stay out of our town!”
“Your wr—” Gage’s warning was cut off by the velocity of the potato I hurled with all my might. It landed with a wet thump against the Beaver Dam’s Bikini Night bus ad, just below Nina’s face. It wasn’t a direct hit, but chunks of baked vegetable splattered satisfyingly over her face and fur vest.
“Ow! Worth it!” I doubled over, holding my arm to my chest.
“You forgot you broke your wrist, didn’t you?” Gage asked smugly.
I punched him lightly in the leg with my good hand. “No,” I lied.
“That was an excellent throw, Zoey. But medically, you really shouldn’t be throwing with that hand,” Dr. Ace pointed out.
Just then, Goose opened his wings and vacated the branch he was on. He swooped dramatically low over the crowd, making a beeline for the bus.
Nina screeched as the eagle sailed right for her. She threw herself to the bus floor as he skimmed over the bus less than a foot above the seat backs. The crowd broke into applause as the bus peeled away from the curb.
“Come on, slugger. I’ll get you some ice,” Gage offered, slinging his arm around me and leading me toward the concession stand.
“I don’t want ice. I want ice cream,” I said stubbornly.
“I’ll get you some of both. By the way, you said ‘our.’”
“What?”
His grin was pure cocky confidence. “You told her to get out of ‘our town.’”
Crap. “So?”
“Since you got here, it’s been ‘you’ and ‘yours.’ Now it’s ‘ours.’ I think we’re growing on you,” he said lightly.
“It was an us-against-them, heat-of-the-moment thing,” I insisted. “I’m not about to form an allegiance to a town that allows pigs to desecrate designer jeans.”
He shook his head. “I dunno, Disaster. You defended our honor with a potato. I think you like us.”
“I do not,” I said sullenly.
Gage’s phone rang, and he answered the call. “Hey. Yeah. She’s right here.” He handed me the phone.
“Hello?”
“Zoey, it’s Felicity. I heard what those Dominion assholes did. I’m in.”
“How did you—never mind. Are you sure? The pay is really low. Like you could make more babysitting,” I warned her.
“Oh, I’m doing this for free.”
IntrepidReporterGuy: Story Lake citizen breaks arm potatoing Dominion mayor in public brawl over tourism.