Chapter 4
MARK
I’ve never lied to myself. I’ve always thought Auden was a good-looking man.
He’s the exact kind of man who has always filled my fantasies.
Not Auden specifically because that’s crossing a line.
While he doesn’t employ me directly, I work for his family.
I’ve always worked for his family. It’s been my one and only job for my entire career.
There’s something incredibly inappropriate about fantasizing about the family you work for.
That being said, my ideal man is a big bear. Much bigger than me. Bulkier than me. Someone who can pull off a dark look and a deep voice. Someone who can pin me down and make me take it. It’s not just his aesthetic, but Auden as a person is the very definition of appeal for me.
Standing across from him in his kitchen after my errant dick gave away much more than I’ve ever revealed to another living soul is a little…
unnerving. I’m not entirely sure how to save face.
I’ve gone with the method of ignoring it.
Which is a little impossible since my cock absolutely does not want to go down.
I’m always very aware of my surroundings. The world is an ugly place. People are nasty for the sake of being nasty. Add to that my very controversial kinks, and I’m always looking over my shoulder.
It’s rare that I’m caught off guard. I suppose it’s because Rhodes is exhausting. Not Bennett. Rhodes. It’s cute, really, but as the doctor overseeing his boyfriend, it’s also exhausting.
I blame my exhaustion on Rhodes. Combined with the fact that I’m comfortable among the Van Dorens, and Auden being the epitome of everything that turns me on, and his sudden appearance paralleling a secret kink I’ve tried to bury… It’s a perfect storm for embarrassing myself.
Now we’re standing across from each other, sipping some fine rum that burns on the way down. His dark eyes aren’t leaving mine, which means my cock is not interested in lowering itself to a more appropriate state. I could get lost in Auden’s eyes.
We try to talk about Bennett and Rhodes, but it’s not long before we both realize that there’s not enough to say on the subject. Nothing has changed. It’s only been two days, after all. Not much will change in that time.
Seconds tick by as I watch his lips touch the rim of his glass. Fuck. My brain is totally in the gutter.
“Did you see Myro’s announcement?” Auden asks.
I grin. Thank fuck for something to talk about. “Yes. I feel like I’ve been waiting for years for two entire generations to begin reproducing.”
He chuckles. “Tell me about it. I imagine we’re going to have a boom of children in the coming years since all of Jalon’s kids and nearly all his brothers have finally shacked up.”
“Only Kairo left,” I muse.
“There’s someone out there for everyone.”
I nod slowly as I think about Kairo. He’s had a serious chip on his shoulder since he was a kid. He’s an absolute tool to everyone, including his family. And yet, especially recently, he’s shown just how much his family actually means to him.
He stepped in when Voss was struggling to find his boyfriend, Brek, after he was abducted. He doesn’t even hide that he loves his nephews. He has these very human moments and then takes off again, as if his kindness quota has been reached.
“I hope so,” I say.
“What about you?” Auden asks, and I meet his eyes again.
“What about me?”
“Why haven’t you found the love of your life?”
I snort. “I can be called in the dead of the night by someone and suddenly be on a plane to fuck knows where at the drop of a hat when I’m needed by the ever-growing Van Doren clan. There aren’t a lot of people who would stick around for that kind of relationship.”
Auden frowns. “You can take a step back if you need to.”
“I don’t want to. I love my job. I love this family.”
He nods slowly. “You know. Your family has been our doctors for three generations now.”
“That ends with me,” I say, guessing where he’s headed with that.
“Because you don’t want kids?”
“I would say more along the lines of the previous point. I don’t really live the kind of life that’s conducive to building a meaningful relationship.”
Auden sighs and takes another sip of his drink. The glass balls clink around. “Under different circumstances, I understand that.”
“Oh?”
He nods again. That same slow, absent bob of his head. “I was just talking to Rome about this. I stopped hoeing it up for… reasons… and now everyone kind of feels… lackluster. The excitement and appeal of new bodies haven’t returned.”
“Why?”
A bemused smile curls his lips, and my eyes immediately drop to stare at them. Something he doesn’t miss. His smile climbs a little more. Which my dick takes note of. Frustrating. I feel like he’s unknowingly playing me like a damn flute.
“I don’t know,” he answers, one of his shoulders shrugging. “Rome thinks I’m ready to settle down.”
I laugh. “The level of disgust in those two words says a lot.”
He chuckles, this deep, delicious sound that strokes a lot of places inside me. I’m going to bed hard tonight. I can tell.
“Perhaps I’m not the kind of guy who settles down. Then I hear my nephews ask me if I want to die alone and… that also doesn’t sound appealing. But what’s the middle ground? If I’ve lost the appeal of hooking up and I’m not interested in something permanent—what options am I left with?”
“A dog?” I suggest. “Or you can become your son’s problem.”
He grins. “That’s where I’m headed. He’s going to love that.”
I take another sip of my drink. Auden’s eyes are trained on me, and I’m trying not to stare at him, though I’m very aware of how hot my body is right now. My palms are almost sweating. My dick refuses to read the room and deflate. Thankfully, I’m behind the counter now, so he can’t see it.
“What’re you thinking, Mark?” Auden asks.
As if he can see into my brain and knows exactly what I’m thinking, my cheeks flush. I take another sip of rum and shake my head. My sips are less than a swallow each. I’m not a drinker. The liquid barely registers on my tongue. The taste barely coats my mouth.
“Nothing that should be discussed,” I assure him.
Auden doesn’t answer. What feels like many, many long minutes later, he sets his glass on the counter, and I realize he hasn’t drunk much either. More than I have, but not enough for all the times he brought the glass to his lips.
My heart sounds loud in my head. I hear it whoosh-whoosh-whooshing in my ears. I’m not looking at his face, but his clavicles. Not for a particular reason, except that his chest hair is barely poking through right there, and I can see it. It’s a tease in a way he can’t possibly understand.
I’m a little startled again when his fingers grip my chin. His touch isn’t rough, but it also leaves no room for interpretation. No room for misunderstanding. I’m in his control as he lifts my eyes to meet his.
He must feel the way my breathing stutters. Can he see the arousal bright in my eyes? It feels like it’s shining out of me like a fucking sun.
“Tell me what you want, and I’ll indulge you,” Auden says, his voice dark, low, and growly.
There’s no way he misses my shiver, my swallow.
He refuses to let me go. I don’t try to get away, but I can feel that I’m his prey right now.
Which only further complicates my situation.
My body responds to the feeling with a desire that nearly comes out of my mouth in the form of a whimper.
I barely manage to swallow it down before I embarrass myself.
I’m not prepared for the words that come out of my mouth. They’re pulled out, as if his question has possessed me, and I’m forced to tell him the truth. The whole truth. All the secrets that I’ve kept hidden for years.
“Stalk me,” I murmur, voice breathy. “Chase me. Break me. Hold me down. Force me.”
Auden’s nostrils flare. “That what you want?” His voice is dark, like the night.
God, I can’t catch my breath. Even as I nod, unable to stop myself. “Yes,” I whisper.
“Have you experienced all of that before? Primal play? CNC?”
I swallow and shake my head. “It’s just a fantasy that I’ve never been brave enough to act on.”
He licks his lips. He fucking licks. His. Lips. I’m nearly leaking in my pants.
“You’re brave enough to ask for it now.”
“No. I don’t have a choice.”
One side of his mouth curls in a crooked smile. “No?”
“I think you’ve put a spell on me, and the words won’t stop coming out of my mouth!”
That same deep, dark chuckle fills my head, and yep. I’m going to nut right here. Without his hand on me anywhere but my chin. Forcing me to meet his eyes.
Seconds pass. Many, many seconds. I hear them in my head as if time were an auditory sound. I jump when his other hand gently strokes my neck. “How about we start with just one of those things, and while you’re here tending to Bennett, we’ll work our way through them?”
I swallow. My entire body is nearly humming with excitement and anticipation. “Yes.”
“Tonight, I will hold you down, and I’m going to interpret ‘break me’ as something that isn’t actually going to break you. We’ll need a longer discussion for most of what you asked for.”
“Safeword?”
He smiles. “Yes. Do you have one?”
“Uh…” I try to come up with something, but my brain is swimming with what’s about to happen.
He’s going to hold me down. This big man—Auden Van Doren, the absolute embodiment of what turns me on—is going to act out one of my deepest fantasies.
How the hell am I supposed to think rationally right now?
“How about we use something easy to remember? Green means go. Yellow means slow down. Red means stop.”
I nod. “Okay, yes.”
“Good. Right now, we’re only talking about holding you down, not the wider request. So in relation to restraining you, do you have any hard or soft limits?”
“No,” I answer.
“That was a quick answer. You don’t want to think about it?”
“Auden, I’ve thought about this for years.
If I have any limits for this specifically, I don’t know them.
I anticipate that if I have any, I might not realize it until I’m in that situation.
” I chew the inside of my lip, and Auden lets my chin go.
I hate the idea that something might come up.
It leaves me feeling a little unsettled. Uncomfortable.
“Look at me.” I raise my eyes to meet his.
“While this should go without saying, because of the arrangement we’re working on, I’m going to put this into words.
If you use either safeword at any time, everything stops without question.
There will never be any guilt, punishment, anger, or negative treatment at all.
We will talk about it because I need to know why, so we can avoid that in the future or change what we’re doing. Understand?”
Despite the way my body aches with need at the promise of what’s coming, I feel warm inside. “Yes. Thank you for the assurance.”
Auden nods. “Are you done with your drink, Mark?”
I glance at the glass and nod. “Sorry for wasting it.”
He shakes his head. “Let’s go upstairs. It’s time to act out your fantasy.”
I’m practically shaking on my feet as I turn around. There’s a very good chance I’m dreaming right now. If that’s the case, I have no desire to wake up.