Chapter 3
Carmen
W e need to talk,” Dad says, not two steps inside the store.
“Alright. Take a seat and help fold.” I pass him a red Ember Falls Spectacular T-shirt, but he doesn’t sit. This must be serious. “What’s going on?”
“Maddox is here.”
On instinct, my hands pause at his name. I thought I saw him at my gig last night, but the lumberjack-shaped man with Maddox’s features and shaggy hair cut short looked too broken and angry to be the same boy I remember from high school. My Maddox had a carefree way about him, reminding me of a firefly—unassuming and gentle with a quiet beauty that rivaled the sun at dawn.
As I always do to keep his memory close, I sang our song in my set. Even when the man at the bar stormed out a few lyrics in, my brain couldn’t convince my heart it had been him. He’s avoided Ember Falls since high school graduation, except for when he came back for his grandfather’s funeral four years ago. I hadn’t been here, but I heard he didn’t stay more than a few hours.
“Are you sure?” I finally respond, unsure if I want to hear him confirm it. If Maddox is here to stay a few hours, days, or more, can I face him? Can I handle seeing him if he despises me, or worse yet, brought another woman with him? I focus on the task in front of me to keep that vision and the ache it causes locked away where it belongs.
“I talked with him myself,” Dad says and sets the poorly folded T-shirt on the pile. He’d been watching my reaction too closely to pay attention to his chore.
“Oh.” My trembling hands lift another shirt out of the box, and I hope I look more put together than I feel. “Did he say how long he’d be staying?”
“I didn’t ask.”
“How’d he seem?”
My pulse revs as he pauses to consider the question, then again with his answer. “Haunted.”
“That’s the opposite of what I’d hoped you’d say. Do you think he’s with someone?”
“Honey, you’re asking the wrong person. Maybe you two can talk while he’s here. Get some closure.”
“It’s been nine years, Dad.”
“Exactly.”
Tossing the shirt I attempted to fold three times back into the box, I stalk to the door.
“Where are you going?” he calls as I reach for the old iron handle.
“Out.”
“But the store opens in half an—”
The door slams shut behind me, and I close my eyes, letting the winter air wash over me. The scent of pine needles mingles with the crispness of a new snowfall while the faint aroma of gingerbread drifts by from a nearby kitchen. A classic Christmas song plays from somewhere down the street, the familiar melody reminding me there’s magic in the holidays.
Sadly, there doesn’t seem to be enough of it to erase the thoughts I came out here to escape. The confusing concoction of emotions bubbling to the surface simply because Maddox’s name came up in conversation can only mean one thing. Everything I’ve been telling myself for the past decade— I don’t need him, he's better off if I stay away, it’s okay that he’s built a life for himself far from mine —has been nothing but lies.
My cool skin prickles on a breeze, and I feel the ripple through to my core. I’m sick with nerves thinking about Maddox—the man, not the idea of him I dream about—being so close our paths might cross at any moment. Simply accepting this fortifies his place as the center of my world. He doesn’t know and certainly hasn’t asked for that spot, but it’s always been his whether he wants it or not.
Treasured memories, unfulfilled wishes, heartache, and my deepest fears swirl together, making the earth feel unsteady beneath my feet. Maybe it’s not the ground but my twisting stomach. I pitch forward to breathe through the nausea when the old metal lock on the bookshop door unlatches from inside. I straighten, suddenly afraid it might be Maddox.
I don’t want him to see me like this. When our paths cross, I’d prefer to be dressed in my best beg for forgiveness outfit and prepared to stand before him with confidence and say my peace. But can I ever fully prepare to face the only man I’ve ever loved after breaking his heart and walking away as if it had been easy?
What do I say in that situation? I’m sorry will never be enough. I’ve spent countless nights imagining what I would say if I ever got the chance, but now, those rehearsed words elude me. It’s easy to dream when the odds of following through seem slim to none. With his history, that may still be the case, and I’m terrified he might leave before I can get to him.
Though I consider myself a strong woman, I have plenty of paralyzing doubt. It’s what kept me from chasing after him when I realized I’d made a mistake, and again when I returned nearly four years ago. Like a fool, I prayed he’d moved back after his time in the Army and let Ember Falls support and heal him. A small part of me hoped he’d come back for me. But Maddox is a man of his word, and he warned me he wouldn’t.
I should have tried to find him when I learned he’d chosen Boston after discharge, but I couldn’t bear to risk seeing the pain I caused reflected in his beautiful hazel eyes. Worst of all, I couldn’t chance discovering he’d moved on and forgotten about me. That last one hits me harder than it should, considering I’m the one who ended things, and I reach for the brick wall to steady myself.
I wonder if that’s why he’s showing up now. What will I do if he’s here to introduce his girlfriend or fiancée to his family? The bitter taste of irony rises into my throat. It’s what I deserve. After all, I ended our relationship and prayed for him to find happiness, even if it meant loving someone else. I was stupid to think I could live with that.
Needing support for my wobbly legs, I shift to lean against the wall and shake out my hands in a nervous fidget. The cold air has seeped into my bones while I stood out here without a coat, and I shove my hands inside my back jean pockets to warm them. Punishing myself isn’t helping me think, but there’s no way I’m going back inside to finish the conversation my dad wants to have. Not yet, anyway.
My eyes scan the street, searching for a reason to move or a safe place to warm up. I land on Latte Da Café across the street. Coffee. Yes, getting coffee is a perfectly normal thing to do in the morning. I push off the brick with newfound determination. Maybe a heavy dose of caffeine will help get me through the rest of this day with a semblance of my sanity intact.
“Hi, Willa,” I greet the owner with a little too much enthusiasm on my way into the café. I’m overcompensating to hide the insecurities eating me alive on the inside. It’s contained chaos in there, like the store the week before Christmas. Why does everyone do all their shopping last minute these days?
“What are you doing here?” she asks. “Isn’t the store about to open?”
“Not you, too. Can’t a girl take a break to get a dose of lucidity once in a while?” I chuckle, hoping the casual joke hides the new fractures in my world.
“Girl, you came to the right place.” She holds up a finger, telling me to wait, then pushes through the swinging kitchen door. A few seconds later, she makes a grand re-entrance, holding a layered tray with one hand as if it were full of feathers instead of at least three dozen massive muffins. “You want the usual?”
“Not today. Caramel macchiato, two extra pumps of caramel. Please.”
She nods to the young barista behind her, who gets to work on my brew. I’m considering adding more carbs to my foolishness antidote in the form of a steaming chocolate muffin when Willa leans a hip against the counter and smiles at me. This can’t be good.
“We’ve known each other a long time,” she says, like she plans to say more and wants to ease me into it.
“Yesssss.” I draw out my answer, eyeing her with suspicion. We went to school together, and since I moved back, we see each other nearly every day.
“I know you’ve heard the biggest news this town has had in a while, or you wouldn’t be ordering all that sugar and considering adding more with my scrumptious muffins.” Her judging eyes travel down my body and back. “I saw you lookin’.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” To keep the guilt from heating my cheeks and giving me away, I reach for a straw on the opposite side of the counter.
“Stop,” she calls to her staff with her smug eyes holding me hostage. “No caramel for Miss Denial here until she comes clean.”
The girl stops squeezing caramel into the cup to stare over her shoulder at us, her brow pinched in confusion. No one can ever have secrets in Ember Falls. Sometimes, I miss the anonymity of living in Los Angeles.
“Fine.” I let out my frustration with a loud sigh. “Yes, I know Maddox is here.”
She snaps her fingers in the air, letting the girl know she can finish making my drink. I can’t help being embarrassed for us both.
“Are you going to talk to him?” Willa asks.
“I—”
“Lordy, you two were something else in high school. I was so jealous. All I could attract were the playboys and class clowns. You had Best In Show.”
“He’s not a horse.”
“From what I saw, he’s built like a—”
“Here’s your coffee, Miss Denial,” the lifesaver with my caffeine prescription says with a smile and slides the drink across the counter.
“I don’t know why I come here,” I complain, reaching for my wallet.
“Because you know I have the best coffee, sweets, and advice in town. Although I know you’ll deny it because that’s the theme of today, you know you need all three.”
Willa reaches for the chocolate muffin I fantasized about and adds it to a white paper bag. “This is on the house along with this great advice: Talk to him.”
“I appreciate you caring about me, but I need to get back to work.” After placing a ten-dollar bill on the register, I make my getaway before more ghosts of Christmas past can be dredged up. I’ll face those when I’ve scraped together the courage and mindset to absorb the consequences.
◆◆◆
“Did you see Maddox Henderson this morning?” Chrissy whispers to her best friend Sandra behind the postcard stand. The biggest gossips in town since we were in high school, nothing gets by these two.
Usually, I tune them out while they use our store to pass along town news for hours on end. This morning, however, the topic of conversation has me wishing they weren’t being so discreet. Their breathy voices barely travel past the display racks, and my neck aches from craning it to listen.
Everyone in town knows my history with Maddox, and it’s bold to talk about him in front of me. Must be a slow news day.
“He was such a gorgeous boy, but all grown up …” They giggle like middle school girls after the popular boy winks at them in class.
I shake my head, wondering where this gossip trail is heading.
“I saw him carrying a toolbox into the bookshop early this morning.” Sandra fans her face with a postcard. “Lily must finally be fixing up the place.”
“If he’s going to be working there, I might need a few new books for my library.”
“I could use a book myself. I also have some things that need fixin’ at my place. Maybe Lily will loan him out for a bit.”
That’s enough. Hopping off my stool behind the counter, I stalk toward them. “Ladies, can I help you with anything today?” I ask, bringing gossip time to a screeching halt.
“Hi, Carmen. We’re just looking for a Christmas gift for my brother. He’s coming into town for the Spectacular.” Sandra glances at Chrissy before turning her narrowed, not-so-innocent eyes on me. “He’s single. Are you dating anyone?”
Subtle. “Nope, and I’m not interested in being set up.”
“Why not? It’s not like handsome bachelors stroll into our little town very often.”
Are they talking about her brother or Maddox? Is she insinuating that Maddox is single? Do they know something I don’t, or am I projecting my hopes into this strange conversation? “You’re right, but I have a lot on my plate right now and dating isn’t one of them.”
“That’s a shame. I guess that means I can set him up with someone else. Someone like Chrissy, perhaps.”
Chrissy’s eyes sparkle at the idea, and I’m still not sure who we’re talking about. I just know I don’t like it.
“Anyone but you.” Sandra barges on. “Is that what you’re saying?”
“I guess so.”
“Alrighty. I’m glad that’s settled. Ready Chrissy? We have more shopping to do.”
“What about the gift?” I call lamely after them as the door closes. My efforts to quell gossip time where Maddox is concerned, may have accomplished something much worse. With the way Sandra and Chrissy work, the Ember Falls collective of unattached women will be informed within the hour that I’m not a concern. They have free and clear access to pursue and flirt and—
“Poor guy,” Dad says, shaking me out of my sickening thoughts. He sets down a box of pens and clucks his tongue. “You know they weren’t talking about her brother, right?”
My eyes roll at the same time as my stomach.
He ignores my pre-teen-like reaction and barrels on. “If you don’t lay claim soon, every unattached female in this town will be trying to do just that, and you’ll be further behind than you are now.”
Well, that stung. I fight against a wince by glaring at him, ensuring he understands that I don’t care for the hidden message behind his comment. I know I have a lot of groveling to do before earning a conversation with Maddox. I don’t need a reminder. “Dad, I can have no claim on him. I gave that up long ago, and surely, he hates me for it.”
“Maybe.” He shrugs. “Maybe not.”
“Dad.”
“All I’m saying is you’ll never know if you avoid him while he’s here.”
“I’m not avoiding Maddox. He just got here. I’m giving him space to get settled …” And me time to determine if he’s single . “Before forcing him to do something he doesn’t want to do.”
“What do you think he doesn’t want to do?”
“See me. Talk to me. Think about me,” I blurt out, my arms flying up and banging against my sides in helpless exasperation, like we’re acting in an over-dramatic 90s comedy. Only there’s nothing funny about this situation.
“What about what you want?”
Picking up the box of General Store logoed pens, I stalk to the main counter. “The last time I thought about that, it ruined everything.”
“But wouldn’t it be nice to know if he does want to see you, talk to you, and think about you in the present and in a new way. Don’t you want him not to be angry with you anymore.”
“You’re not helping.”
“Yes, I am. You just don’t know it yet.”
I lean against the cabinet for support, exhausted from trying to hold together my shredded patience. “Anyway, we don’t know he’s angry. Maybe he hasn’t given me a second thought.” That wasn’t easy to say out loud.
“You two had something special, honey.” He steps up to the counter to prevent me from dodging this conversation again. “He hasn’t stopped thinking about you any more than you’ve stopped thinking about him.”
Of course, I think about Maddox. For my entire childhood, he was the center of my world, my best friend, and my safe space. I’ve missed him more than I can put into words, but allowing myself to hope he hasn’t moved on could be more detrimental to my tender heart than living with half of one without him.