Chapter 11
Maddox
H ey, Mom,” I call from the living room. She’s in the kitchen with Izzie, preparing an early dinner before the parade. “I need to show you something.”
I snuck Cooper in through the front door when he arrived, not bothering with a sneakier operation since she was tucked away and deep in conversation.
“What is it, Mad—” Her hands cover her mouth at the first sight of Cooper beside me, his arm braced over my shoulders. He’s in full camo, his light brown hair mussed as if he drove the Humvee straight here from a training exercise.
“Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes,” he says, forever a momma’s boy, but in the best way.
I watch them embrace and, of course, Mom’s crying. I wish I’d had this up-close, outside viewpoint of my reunion with her. The love pouring out of them is a cooling balm on my wounds, and I could have benefited from this euphoria that day.
“Are Kendall and Aaron here yet?” Cooper asks.
“Not until tomorrow. I can’t believe you made it.”
“Couldn’t miss this guy finally crawling out of his hole.” He tosses a thumb at me over his shoulder.
“It’s a blessing.” She frames his cheeks with her hands, pure joy sparkling in her eyes. “All my kids will be under one roof again. I never thought I’d see the day.”
Cooper twists to glare at me, implying it’s my fault Mom’s been denied this happiness. He’s mostly right.
“My bad.”
They both laugh at my stupid response, then Mom circles an arm around Cooper’s back. “Come. Izzie would love to see you, too.”
“She’s here?” he asks, and the last part of my heart still intact—the corner reserved for my family—squeezes for him.
He holds his position, preventing her from leading him further, and lowers his voice. “How is she? She’s incessantly positive in her emails, trying not to worry me.”
“She’s doing what she can, and we’re filling in the gaps.”
“Cooper?” Izzie steps into the living room, the sight of him draining her strength, and she folds under the weight of her emotion.
“I’m here,” he says, kneeling before her and letting her crumble into his arms.
Mom and I step away to give them space but can’t help but watch. The sweet moment rivals any romantic movie I’ve ever seen, and thanks to all the fierce women in my life who don’t take no for an answer, I’ve seen more than my fair share.
“What is it with my boys?” Mom whispers, tipping her head to rest on my shoulder.
“I’ve got plenty of potential answers to that open-ended question.”
“Let me be more specific, then. Why do you withhold your heart from the women you love?”
“Mom…”
“You love so completely but painfully silent.”
“It’s complicated for us both. You know that.”
“Speaking of complicated, how’d it go with Carmen last night?” She turns her back to Cooper and Izzie to see my face and wiggles her brow. “I heard talk of you two getting cozy after the duck race.”
My eyes roll without consent. “It went as expected—awkward and confusing. We’re giving it another go tonight.”
“At the parade?”
“Yeah, but early. Sadie and Carmen are caroling. Are you going?”
“Wouldn’t miss it.” Her hands rest softly on my elbows in a show of her motherly support. “I’m glad you and Carmen are working through things. No matter where you two end up, I hope you can lessen your grip on that stubborn heart of yours.”
“It’s a slow process, but I’m getting there.”
“I know, sweet boy. I know.” She pats my cheek, then huddles with Cooper and Izzie, who seem to have wrangled their emotions. “Catch up with Maddox,” she tells Cooper. “Izzie and I will finish up in the kitchen so we can all enjoy a meal together again. It’s been far too long.”
Izzie’s gaze lingers on Cooper over her shoulder, and he doesn’t acknowledge me until she disappears into the kitchen. “She’s glowing.”
“Only since you showed up. She’s been as pale and down on herself as I’ve ever seen her.”
“Damn. I hate that. She doesn’t deserve what that asshole did to her.”
“No one does. We’ll make sure she’s safe and keep him out of the picture.”
Cooper lowers to the couch, and I sit beside him. He looks like he could use a brotherly talk. “I’m going to submit my discharge papers.”
“Really? Because of Izzie?”
“Partly. I’ve been thinking about it for a while now. How can I stay in Texas while she’s in danger? She’s more important.”
“Than your service?”
“Always. She’s my best friend.”
“With the way you two acted earlier, it seems like there’s more between you.”
Cooper pauses, picking at the hem of his pants pocket before answering. “It’s been a while since we’ve seen each other, and she’s emotional.”
“Or you’re in denial.”
“You’re one to talk,” Cooper accuses, flipping the conversation to me. “You say you’re fine every time we talk, and you’re not. You know that, right?”
“I do.” No sense in denying it. Cooper knows me better than anyone and will see through any bullshit. Whenever I need someone to give it to me straight, he’s the first one I call, and vice versa.
“Good. What are you doing to fix it?” he asks, getting down to business like he’s planning for a mission.
“Starting at ground zero. I’m working on forgiving her.”
“How?”
“It gets easier to replace the negative emotions with others the more time we spend together. Although, it doesn’t help that I think about us—the way we used to be and the time we lost.”
Cooper nods. I must have passed the bullshit test.
“I’m not the only one with issues. What are you going to do about Izzie?” I ask.
“Support her, protect her. Whatever she needs.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
Cooper’s eyes roll. “I can’t do what you’re suggesting until the asshole is out of the picture and she’s safe. That’s all that matters right now.”
Noticing the familiar wavering into unsteady territory in my brother, I change the subject. “What date are you expecting for discharge?”
“As soon as I can get the paperwork submitted and approved.”
“That soon?
“She’s not Mom and Dad’s responsibility.”
“Or yours, Cooper. You’re not the only person around here who loves her. She’s family, and we’re happy to help.”
“Does that mean you’re thinking about staying here permanently?” he asks, and like him, I have very few answers.
“I haven’t thought that far ahead. If you’d asked me that when I first got here, my answer would have been an immediate and emphatic hell no .” I had already started the countdown for the day I could get away before I even stepped foot in Ember Falls.
“No doubt, but I hope that’s changing.”
“We’ll see. I have more to work through and a job I love waiting for me in Boston.”
“Are you sure?”
“Of what?”
“That you love being Boston P.D.”
“It’s all I know.”
“You can be a cop anywhere.” A smug smile pulls at the corners of his mouth. He thinks he caught me without an argument.
“I have a life there.”
“Bullshit.”
“Food’s ready,” Mom announces, saving me from having to lie again and failing another test. Life in Boston means little more than breathing and waking up each morning to do whatever I did the day before like a broken record.
Broken and stuck seems to be the theme of my life and it’s time to change that.
◆◆◆
After dinner, we head downtown and locate the carolers near the gazebo. Sadie and Carmen hold hands in the front line in matching red coats, plaid scarves, and white knitted hats.
They find us in the crowd during “All I Want for Christmas,” but what Carmen seems to want feels different when she looks at me—something I don’t recognize in my memories of her.
Desire.
We were kids the last time we were together and had little experience in the sensations that ignite between lovers. As adults, we’ve given ourselves to others and can recognize the magnet hard at work tempting us. With every encounter, I grow more curious about what it would be like to hold her in that way. To touch every inch of her skin and feel her shiver under my touch. To kiss the lips I remember and explore the different ways our bodies could mold together in new ways. But that’s a hazardous road, full of caution tape, cones, and flashing lights, and last night proved I’m not prepared to act on those curiosities yet.
Her eyes stay locked with mine as our private conversation continues through two more songs. Then, Sadie steps forward, breaking my trance, and sings “O Holy Night” solo. She’s captivating, and I wonder how I ever lived without her in my life. How can I go back to Boston and not be a part of hers?
The answers are too inconceivable to validate, and I’m surprised the questions even surfaced at this point. After all, I’m a week into my hometown sentence, and there’s too much left to uncover, like who I am and what I want out of life. Those two considerations have fallen to the wayside behind my public service, heartache, and everything else.
Captain Emory said I can’t return to the force unless I’m a different man, and with the rollercoaster I’m strapped to here, I’m worried I may not find him in time.
◆◆◆
“You were incredible,” I tell Sadie afterward with a high-five, then turn to Carmen, primed to pay her the same compliment. But her eyes are already on me, picking up where our wordless conversation left off before, and I have no idea what to do.
“Let’s go find a good area to watch the parade,” Mom suggests, coming to my rescue. She offers her support with a wink as the group begins to move down the sidewalk, and I give her my thanks with a one-arm hug.
We soon find an opening in the crowd that will fit everyone. Sadie, Trixie, and Carmen wrap up in a blanket next to her parents on the curb. I linger behind with my family, contemplating what I should do with my two choices yet again—sit intimately with Carmen or keep my distance. Like at the duck race, each direction sends a different message. If I choose her, it says I’m ready for the next baby step. If I don’t, I’m telling her I need more time. I want both.
“Why don’t you go sit with Carmen and Sadie?” Mom asks. “Test the waters a bit.”
“I don’t know if my system can absorb another test. It’s been through a lot in the last forty-eight hours.”
“There’s only one way to find out.” She nudges me with her shoulder, making the decision for me. Baby step number two, here I come.
“Hi,” Carmen says as I lower to the curb. She shifts under the blanket to face me, her elbow on her knee to prop her head up with a soft fist, knocking me speechless with her smile once again.
She’s stunning tonight. Golden waves flow freely down her back and over one shoulder under the knitted hat. What little skin I can see glows under the soft lamplight. I imagine the rest of her doing the same in the moonlight while lying bare on my bed…
“Hi,” I respond, swallowing down the image before it consumes me. “How was the bazaar?”
“Great. We ate way too many fried treats.” She winces and presses a gloved hand to her stomach. “But we chose a Christmas tree. It’s getting delivered tomorrow.”
“Sounds like a good time.”
“Sadie can’t wait to decorate it.”
“I bet. It was one of my favorite holiday activities.”
“Do you have space for a tree at your house in Boston?”
“No,” I chuckle. “My studio apartment barely fits a bed and a recliner. I haven’t had a tree since I lived here.”
At the time, I didn’t want reminders of what I missed out on here. But I should have come home just for the holidays to enjoy the family traditions I looked forward to every year as a kid. The boundless love of my family and the magic of Christmas might have brightened some of my darkest days.
I noticed Mom hasn’t put up our tree at the house yet. I wonder if she’s waiting on Kendall and Aaron so we can decorate it together as a family. Damn, I hope so. I sure could use a dose of reliving some of my most treasured childhood memories.
“It’s not the same without the Henderson sibling antics,” I add, thinking back to those days with a grin.
Her head tilts to the others behind us, bringing my attention back to her. “Speaking of your siblings, it’s good to see Cooper home safe. Your parents must be so excited to have everyone together for the holidays.”
“They are. I’m glad we could give them that.”
“Can I ask why you picked now to come back?”
With a shrug, I shove my chilly hands into my coat pockets and glance down the street at the gathering crowd. The parade will be starting soon, giving us something to talk about other than my pathetic story.
“I didn’t know where else to go,” I say. “I had extended time off from work and nothing healthy to fill it with.” Just the usual—beer and all-consuming misery.
“What do you mean?”
“I was put on admin leave.”
“Why? Did something happen?”
“I took a life.”
She pauses her questioning to survey me. There’s no pity or alarm in her eyes. “But who did you save?”
“What?”
Holding my gaze, she waits until she’s sure I’m listening. “I know you, Maddox. We all change over time, but only so much. I know you wouldn’t have done it if you didn’t have a good reason.”
How could she see that buried side of me? The side I show no one, not even myself. “The suspect turned the gun on a child.”
“No.”
My nod confirms what she’s thinking, and she touches my knee to offer her support. The placement—on my leg, instead of a safer location—and the fact that she hasn’t moved it after making the gesture, sends another silent message. And it’s not something friends say.
“The time off is just protocol, right?” she asks. “You’re not in trouble.”
“I don’t expect any charges, but the investigation is ongoing.”
The first float rolls by, kicking off the annual holiday parade, but she doesn’t seem to care. “Why didn’t you stay in Boston?”
“My captain suggested I not … in so many words.”
She frowns. “How is that their call?”
“He threatened to fire me if I didn’t make a change.” He didn’t say that outright, but that was the underlying intent. He thinks I’m a liability, and knowing what I know now, he isn’t far off. “I couldn’t do that there.”
“What does he want changed?”
“Me.”
Fresh tears reflect the festive string lights above us, and I feel the empathy behind them. But more than that, I feel her love. I wish that didn’t irrevocably alter things. I shouldn’t want her to love me at this point in my journey, but there’s no putting that puzzle piece back in the box now that it’s found its place.
“Maddox …”
“Sorry.” For once, I don’t say I’m fine because it isn’t true. Continuing to lie can only be detrimental to figuring my shit out. “Baby steps are happening in more ways than one these days.”
“You’re doing great.” Her hand edges up my thigh as she holds my gaze, watching for a reaction.
It’s another test, and surprisingly, I’m okay with this one and what it represents. I like the feel of her hand on me. I like how it erases the world beyond us, allowing space for me to get lost in the moment without distractions. When we’re apart, I’m starting to miss the feel of her beside me and the way she looks at me. It’s different from how our eyes would meet when we were kids—more meaningful, deeper, powerful. I don’t feel like I’m competing for her heart with her other dreams. This time, I feel like it’s already mine—all of it.
Everything I thought when I came back to Ember Falls shifted the moment she asked for a second chance. I’d spent too many years convincing myself it wasn’t possible. Hope is hard to come by when you’re broken. But with every step we take toward each other, it’s hope—not love or this new lust growing between us—that puts a section of my heart back together.
It won’t be easy to let the rest of my guard down or allow this place to rebuild me, but I’m willing to try. And I want to try most with Carmen.
A contented silence hovers between us, and I don’t see any of the parade marching by. There’s only her, the anchor to my runaway world.