1. Xander
ONE
Xander
“I’m not one to make long flowery speeches.
I leave that to Dunny who loves to run off at the mouth.
What I will say is that I’ve reached a point in my life where I can no longer hide who I am from the world or the fans nor do I wish to.
I’m a bisexual man in a sport that is slowly—painfully slowly, it feels—growing in acceptance of LGBTQ players, thanks in no small part to the bravery of Tennant Rowe. Thank you for your time.”
Less than one hundred words spoken but those few sentences would forever change my life. For the good or for the bad remained to be seen. Judging by the looks of shock my best friend Eli Kingsley was wearing, I had to assume some of that bad was headed my way. And rightfully so.
I’d kept my private life locked down tight.
No one had known I was bisexual because on the odd occasion I dated, it was women, and really it’s not anyone’s business what I get up to behind bedroom doors. So, yeah, no one knew anything. Not the team or my parents. No. One.
Of course, there had been a few men, meaningless hookups, whom I’d used to scratch the itch, but they’d not known who I was.
Dark bathrooms, no names exchanged, bust a nut and leave without a thank you slaking of basic needs thing.
I’d thought I’d been careful. Fuck, I had been careful.
Giving some rando a blowjob in an alley at night while wearing sunglasses and a ballcap was sadly cliché and always left a bad taste in my mouth. Pun sort of intended.
Seems I wasn’t as clever as I’d thought.
Rando guy from a month ago in Columbus had taken note of the tattoo on my wrist when he’d been on his knees in a slimy men’s room in a tacky gay bar.
It wasn’t a large tat or anything bright or flashy.
Xander Holden didn’t do flashy. It was just a small fish.
A memento of a summer getaway with my folks.
I’d taken them to Hawaii and after a few cocktails—okay—my mother and I had gotten inked.
Dad had gone to sleep off his mai tais and had missed the drunken tattoo talk.
Mom had gotten a pretty little tropical fish on her left wrist. I’d gotten a tribal design koi chasing its tail.
Nothing gaudy. Xander Holden, aka the man in the closet, didn’t do gaudy either.
How the fuck this rando guy had known who I was simply by spying my koi tattoo while I was stroking his jaw as he sucked me off, I have no clue.
It had been so murky and shadowed in the stall, I could barely see my dick between his lips.
But he’d somehow figured it out. He did the two plus two and within two days of that shitty BJ, he’d contacted me on Twitter via personal messenger and asked for money to keep my secret.
One short DM and my life had crumbled around me.
I refused to call the cops and I refused to be bullied.
I played hockey for the Boston Rebels. Defensemen for the original six teams did not allow themselves to be bullied.
So I took a day to cry alone in my condo, then I beat the asshole to the punch.
They can’t blackmail you if the whole world knows the secret.
I’d taken a personal day and flown down to Tampa where my parents lived and told them everything.
They’d been incredibly accepting but hurt that I’d not felt able to tell them when I was a teen.
And now I was seeing that same pain in Eli’s eyes. And it sucked.
Brady, the Rebels captain and my defensive partner, and Nick, team owner, hustled me away from the press. I wasn’t taking questions. I’d told them I was bi and that was all they were getting out of me on the subject.
“Team meeting,” Brady announced as my teammates silently trudged along behind me. “Mr. Sinclair wants all of us in the video room in ten minutes. No calls to family are allowed until after this meeting.”
Good old Brady. The poor bastard. I’d laid this on him yesterday after morning skate.
Then I’d ridden up to Nick Sinclair’s posh office overlooking the ice with my captain/diversity union rep at my side to drop the bomb on Sinclair.
To say that the always volatile Nicolaus Icarus Sinclair took the news well would have been a lie.
Nick tended to explode with little provocation.
I assumed it was his Mediterranean blood that gave him such fire.
The man was still smoldering today, but the inferno had died down.
“I need to talk to you a minute,” Eli said as we made our way to the video room.
I nodded. It was only right I give him some personal time.
He’d been my best friend since we’d been toddlers.
We’d grown up together, lived side-by-side, had both skipped college to come to Boston to play.
We were as tight as he was with his younger brother, Mason.
He of the sensual eyes and lush lips. Mason.
The one man who I shouldn’t be so damn attracted to and yet…
yeah, and yet. Even thinking about the way his eyes sparkled when he smiled or the way he tipped his head when in thought was off-limits.
He was Eli’s baby brother. One didn’t wheel a fellow teammate’s little sister or brother.
And one most certainly did not wheel a best friend’s sibling.
That was asking for drama I didn’t need at the moment.
Shaking off the image of Eli’s brother, I led him into the skate sharpening room.
No one was here, obviously. Everyone had been at my presser.
Everyone except my agent who’d dropped me when I’d called him yesterday to tell him I was bi.
Or rather I dropped him when all he could say was that I’d better stay quiet and just date women because bi wasn’t a real thing.
Guess ten years of him getting ten percent of everything I earned wasn’t enough to buy me some respect or understanding.
I suspected I would lose more than an agent before this all settled down.
Eli closed the door then leaned on it, his eyes glittering with pain. I studied the racks of skates needing attention. When I finally looked back at him, his lips were as thin as a papercut.
“I’m sorry for not telling you,” I blurted out.
“Yeah, well, I appreciate that, but it still hurts that you hid this from me for… forever!” Eli snapped then drew in a long breath and closed his eyes.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to get loud. I know how hard it is for people to come out.
Mason kept it from everyone for a few years until he was ready, so I get it but still, Xan, man it hurts.
I won’t lie. Fucking Brady knew before I did. ”
I drew in a slow breath. “I had to tell him. He’s the diversity rep and our captain and my defensive partner.” His eyes rounded. “I know you’re my best friend, but I had to get a handle on something in a hurry.”
“What thing? The bi thing?” He folded his arms across his chest, his forearms resting on the revolutionary war eagle that was our Rebels logo. “I knew something was off with you. You’ve been so damn angry at the world forever.”
I had been? Okay, yeah, that was a fair call.
“No, well yeah, but… some guy I hooked up with wanted five hundred grand, or he would tell the press that I was into guys.”
His jaw dropped. “Holy fucking hell, Xan.”
I shrugged. Then I filled him in as quickly as possible. Sinclair wanted to talk to us and the smell of all these sweaty skates was becoming overpowering.
“I hate people,” Eli grumbled after the sordid tale was told.
“Yeah, I’m not too fond of people at the moment either. Maybe I’ll just become a monk.” Eli snorted and it was that stupid sound that told me we’d be okay. Eventually. “If it helps, my parents just found out three days ago.”
“Jesus. For a guy who shuns attention… ”
“Yeah, I know. Trust me, this was not how I wanted my coming out to go.”
“I get that, buddy.” He uncrossed his arms so he could grab my shoulders.
Our eyes met and held. “And if I ever find out who this asshole is I’ll drop a hammer on him.
I might not be a big, bad D-man like you, but I can kick ass when warranted.
And if anyone on the ice gets lippy about you being queer my fist will find their face. Just putting that out there.”
“Thanks. That means a lot.” I got a little emotional. Eli gave my shoulders a squeeze. “It’s great that you’re willing to toss the gloves for me but maybe you should let me handle any instigators. Remember the last time you threw down with Adler Lockhart? The dude whipped you like a rug.”
Eli made that pig-like snort sound. “In my defense, he caught me unaware with some stupid joke about a rabbit, a priest, and minister walking into a bar. While I was trying to figure out whether he meant rabbit or rabbi, he sucker punched me in the face.”
“Dude, that was no sucker punch. People in the rafters saw it coming.”
Eli tugged me into his chest. We bro hugged for a long time then we broke apart. “We better get to that meeting, but we’re not done discussing this. And don’t ever hide shit from me again. We made a blood pact.”
I smiled. The first smile to grace my face in days. “I won’t do it again.”
“Okay then. Let’s go see what Sinclair has to say to us.”
We gave each other one more hug then hurried to the video room.
Coach Franks met me at the door, chunky scarred hand extended.
I shook the old defenseman’s hand. All eyes rested on us.
Austin and Brady Rowe stood and began clapping.
Soon the entire room was on its feet aside from Nick Sinclair, who had draped his slim frame over a rolling desk chair.
I ducked my head. Eli clapped me on the back then we dropped into our usual seats.
I hated attention. I wasn’t here to dance in the spotlight. I was here to play hockey. That was it.