8. Mason #2
We headed back to the hotel, and as soon as sneakers hit the ground he was gone. He didn’t answer my knock on his door, even if I called his name as loud as I dared to. I tried his cell, sent him a message, but there wasn’t even a sign that he was online.
I’d fucked up.
Getting ready to go to the club was an exercise in pulling my shit together.
There was nothing I liked more than dancing, and cocktails, and then more dancing, and I’d put Gusto Night Club on the list, not because it was a gay club, but because it was apparently the best on the island.
I didn’t have any qualms about taking my brother and Xander there, but was it the best place for Xander right now, and would the rest of the guys be cool with…
“Stop overthinking,” I told my reflection and went back to concentrating on getting ready.
I nixed gelling my hair, letting it fall in soft layers, and applied smoky eyeliner with a practiced hand, with just the tiniest bit of lip gloss.
Pulled on fitted pants and a loose white shirt that I left half unbuttoned.
I met the guys in the lobby, the rest of them dressed to the nines, even Dunny who had done something cool with his hair so it was tamed.
I immediately sought out Xander and the breath caught in my throat.
He wore dark dress pants, hugging his thick thighs, and the shirt he wore I recognized from the shop here, a pale flowery loose fitting cover that was almost see-through in bright light.
I could see every line of him, and I know it wasn’t deliberate—how could it be—but the way he was made just left me breathless.
I’ve never seen anyone as beautiful as Xander Holden, and all I wanted to do was have the right to go up to him and kiss him hello.
Maybe some of my lip gloss would slide off onto his lips and…
“Are you actually going to move, dickwad?” Eli shoved me, and my fantasies went sideways as much as I did.
“Get off me.” I shoved him back, and we tussled in our brotherly way until we reached the van.
There was a seat next to Xander at the back, and Eli gestured for me to sit there.
I had things I wanted to explain to Xander, and maybe I could say them if I was there, so I buckled up and waited until the engine started.
Only it was too quiet. So I said nothing serious at all.
“You having a good time?” I half whispered, leaning into him so I could get close. He shuffled away from me, but he did at least look at me.
“It’s great,” he said after a moment’s pause, and that was all the conversation we had until we got to the club.
The club was noisy and chaotic and there was no chance to talk at all.
Xander didn’t dance, but he did sway by the bar, so it was up to me and Dunny to wow the dance floor.
For a big man, Dunny was actually a smooth mover, and he even threw in a few gyrations that were way too sexy for him to stay on his own for long.
Surrounded by people I soon lost him in his adoring crowd, so I found a quieter space and let the music consume me.
Sinking into my happy place, I ignored the press of bodies and rocked out to classic seventies and eighties big-hair bands, reaching the pinnacle when “Dancing Queen” echoed over the sound system.
My favorite dance song. I let out a yelp of happiness and joined in with a group of girls on a bachelorette party as we danced and lip-synced the whole thing, only stopping when some guys joined us, and I felt ready to move on from grasping hands and drunk smiles.
Back at the bar I didn’t see Xander at first then spotted him at the back in the shadows, sipping a cocktail and looking as if he’d rather be anywhere than here.
I was on a high from dancing, and maybe one or two cocktails, and crawled over Eli’s lap to reach Xander, sliding into the seat next to him as Eli turned back to Marquis and leaned in to talk to him.
“What’s up, Xan?” I took his cocktail and sipped it, turned out it was all fruit and not an ounce of alcohol in sight.
“You,” Xander muttered. “What in god’s name was all that?”
At first, I didn’t understand the question, instead I searched his expression for context. He seemed pissed, frustrated; his eyes dark with some emotion I couldn’t understand.
“What?”
He waved at the dance floor. “That.”
“That?” I was confused, and then it hit me. “You mean dancing?”
“That wasn’t dancing, that was fucking with your clothes on.” He ground out the words, bitterness and derision in every syllable, and it hurt. What was wrong with dancing out there with everyone else, it didn’t mean anything, it was just dancing.
“Huh?”
“I’m surprised you didn’t end up kissing some random guy.” Now he sounded hurt as if I’d done something terrible, and I didn’t understand any of it. Until it occurred to me that he might be jealous, and that gave me a tiny thrill.
“I don’t want to kiss anyone else.” I leaned in even closer, and to anyone looking it would just seem as if we were talking in a noisy club. They wouldn’t know that just being this close to Xander had me so tied up in knots I couldn’t think. “I want to kiss you.”
“It’s not going to happen.”
“Why?”
“Because… ” His eyes narrowed, and his gaze dropped to my lips, and unconsciously I wet them, expecting him to kiss me right here in the crowded club in front of everyone.
Instead, he stood up and made his way around the side of the table.
“I’m out of here,” he announced. Eli and Dunny both stood to go with him.
Eli looked back at me. “Are you coming?” he mouthed. It was one a.m. The music was hot, the dancing still right there, but Xander was going back to the hotel, and fuck if all my enthusiasm for dancing had vanished.
I climbed into the van. Eli sat next to Xander, and I was paired with Dunny who was buzzing and telling a story about a chicken and a waterpark. Marquis was filling our ears with some minor celebrity sighting he’d made at the club. God knows who because I wasn’t listening.
Something had shifted in me today. I’d decided I didn’t want to play games with Xander, but he was shutting down, and maybe it was time to give him space and let him come to me.
Maybe the two of us together was a lost cause.
He was bi, and I was gay, but that didn’t mean we were going to be queer together or that he’d fall in love with me as hard as I loved him.
I had to be realistic and think that maybe I wanted something I could never have.