Chapter 11
Chapter Eleven
Joey
I’m ready to sell my soul to the devil to get what I need next. I’ve never been this aroused in my life before. I’m ready to do far more than just beg.
“Please, sir, anything you want. Just don’t make me wait.”
“Is that what you consider begging?”
It’s not, but I’m not sure if he wants me to say more or change my tone. So, I go for both.
“Please, sir, don’t make me wait. I can’t stand it. My pussy aches for you. I can’t think about anything besides that.”
“Are you supposed to be thinking about anything else? Or is this all you’re supposed to think about?”
He’s taunting me, and I don’t mind. I’m here for that. It’s only heightening my need. This entire experience has left me desperate. Not just for what he’ll do next tonight, but the next time we can be together. And every time after that.
I didn’t have a contract with my last two Doms, and they were pretty solid arrangements. But now I’d love to read a contract he’d prepare that spells out everything he’ll offer me. My imagination is the sky’s the limit. And from what he’s doing tonight, I suspect he’s the same.
“No, sir. This is all I’m focused on, but I can’t help wondering what will come next each time you make me wait. That’s not a distraction, sir, but it certainly makes me more impatient. Please, sir, can I have more?”
I feel like Oliver Twist, but I’m certainly not asking for more gruel.
His fingers dig into my hips. There are mirrors in this room, so as he thrusts into me, I can see the marks he’s already placed on me besides what the crop, flogger, and his hands did. The feather was practically a cruel tease, so I was unprepared for the bite that came with the crop.
I loved it.
That balance of pain and pleasure. How it alternates. How it steals my breath. Both good and bad, which makes it even better.
He guides my hips, pushing me away each time he withdraws, then pulling me tight to him whenever he thrusts. I rock on my knees, my hands barely supporting me against the power he demonstrates as he controls my body. He’s rough without hurting me. He knows his strength, and he’s careful not to hurt me. He gets the difference between pain and harm, and it only makes me trust him more.
Is there something beyond implicit? Implicit compounded? Implicit to infinity and beyond? I don’t know, but right now, I’d let him do just about anything to me. Considering he had his fingers in my ass, I’d say I am letting him do anything. I hoped he would restrain me.
Like he said, I should have known it wasn’t an empty threat, but a test. He reminded me I can express my wishes, but if they don’t align with his, then I won’t get what I ask for. I sense he’ll always give me what I need, but he won’t always give me what I want.
I hang my head as I breathe through each thrust, struggling not to moan. Each time he impales me, he works my pussy like a fucking jackhammer. I know my body well enough to know this won’t get me off without something rubbing my clit. I won’t orgasm, and even if I try to do it myself or he does it, bracing myself and balancing doggy style will keep me too distracted to come.
As though he’s trying to prove my point, his right hand glides along my hip and wraps around to my pussy. His index finger and middle finger rub my aching clit while his ring finger and pinky slip inside me, just enough to add to his cock’s girth. There isn’t enough room for him to move them deeper. I feel like he’s about to split me in half with no help from his fingers. I’m so full, and it’s not just this position. It was like that when he held me and when I was sitting.
I’ve been with guys who have big dicks before. I’ve been with guys who have big dick energy and disappointing dicks. I’ve been with guys who have both, but Cormac has it all in spades. The body, the dick, the skills, how he makes me feel. I moan just from thinking about that alone.
He assumes it’s from how he’s working my pussy. Some of it is as he rubs harder, and I try my best to focus, so he can make me come. I ache to do the same for him. I Kegel each time he presses into me, pulling his cock deeper. I wish I could see his ass flexing, but the mirrors aren’t in the right place for that.
When I look to the right, I can see the hollow on the side of his ass deepen, but I can’t see the muscles. I really wish I could. He’s got the best butt of any guy I’ve ever been with. He looks like he spends all day and maybe even all night at the gym, but I know he doesn’t since I’ve seen him at “work.”
My mind’s drifting again, so I force it back to the moment. I can’t let it drift just because I know this position won’t get me off. He seems to sense I’m not fully focused on this. Maybe he understands I’m doing this for him rather than for me. That by doing this for us, I wish to pleasure him the way he just did for me.
He redoubles his efforts on my clit, leaning forward and kissing between my shoulder blades and up the side of my neck. I tilt my head away so he can run his tongue up to behind my ear. He kisses his way back down.
It’s beyond erotic.
When he nips at my ear and then sucks on it, he must hold his breath because there’s not the distracting noise that usually comes from somebody with their nose inside my ear. Focusing on that and how arousing it is takes my mind away from anything else, including how I can’t come in this position.
“Oh God, sir…Yes, please, sir…Yes!”
Holy fuck. I’m about to explode.
“Please, sir, may I come?”
He doesn’t pull his mouth away to grant me permission.
“Mmhmm.”
It’s barely more than a grunt, but it’s all I need to shatter into a million little pieces. My body pulses with the pleasure as I strain to keep going. I don’t want this one to end. The three he already gave me were extraordinary, but this is life-changing. Maybe it wouldn’t be if it were some position besides doggy style, but there aren’t too many firsts I can still offer him. This is certainly one of them.
He continues to thrust, and then his fingers are painful as his teeth nip and tug my ear.
“Yes, cailín , yes.”
He straightens as he gives one more thrust that’s enough to knock me onto my forearms. Knowing he’s coming this hard gives me a sense of gratification I haven’t needed, wanted, or had before. It’s almost as exquisite as the orgasm itself. I couldn’t ask for better, but I reach back for him as he starts to pull out. I’m not ready for it to end.
He’s quick to pull off the condom, snagging a paper towel by the sink to put it on since he’s not close enough to reach the bio box. He picks me up and cradles me bridal style as he walks back to the loveseat, holding me as our hearts continue to pound.
When I rest my head against his upper chest—practically his shoulder—I can hear his heart. It’s steady even if it’s rapid. I match my breathing to his heart as it slows. Two beats in, three beats out. It calms me, making me feel completely boneless and spent. His cheek rests at the top of my forehead as his hand lies on my hip, and the other strokes the outside of my arm and the side of my back. His hands are large enough to do that. And I don’t even have skinny arms.
We remain silent as we just enjoy each other’s company, coming down from that rush of endorphins for both of us. I want to confess this was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. Unlike anything I’ve dared to want. Certainly exceeds any expectation. But I feel too vulnerable to tell him something like that if it didn’t mean as much to him.
I don’t know him well enough to share that thought or to know whether it was significant to him. Despite how big a bitch Deirdre was when I met her, they were together for a while. It must have been special to him if he had a formal arrangement with her. That prompts me to wonder if he had some place for them to go.
He said he doesn’t bring women to his home, but did he have a condo or a favorite hotel room? Something that was just for them? I don’t like the spike of jealousy I feel. I have no right to it yet. I can’t help it. I don’t want to be ugly and conniving like Deirdre was.
I don’t think I am, and I don’t think I ever would be. But I don’t want to have the same emotions she did that drove her to do what she did. I can’t imagine ever spewing such a lie to trap a guy or humiliate a woman he was with. She did that on purpose. I don’t enjoy understanding her because it makes me think I could be capable of the same thing.
I don’t expect the affection to continue as he kisses my forehead. I lean away, and he peppers my temple and cheeks with soft pecks. I turn my head toward him. I don’t know what’s going to happen next. If the evening is over or if he wishes to move on to something else, but I could die a lucky woman after what we’ve just shared.
It wasn’t necessarily the longest or the most elaborate scene, but I’ve never finished feeling this fulfilled before, even after my best scenes with other Doms or vanilla sex with guys I’ve dated and been seriously emotionally attached to.
Replete would be the word that comes to mind.
“ Cailín , how are you doing?”
“I’m well, sir. How about you?”
“If well is the best you can say, then I didn’t do it very well.”
I laugh and shake my head. “Sir, if you did it any better, I think I might be in heaven by now.”
He chuckles along with me and gives me another soft kiss against my lips.
“I agree. If it’d been any more than that, my heart might have given out. What do you want to do, Joey? Do you want to do another scene, or are you done? What would you prefer?”
I just wondered the same thing, and now that he’s asking me to decide, I’m a complete blank. I don’t know what to say. If I say I’m done, will that be the end of things? Will it disappoint him? Will he think I can’t be what he needs and wants as a sub? Or is he done and wants an excuse to leave?
“Joey, this isn’t some trick question. If you’re tired, or you’ve just had enough, then we can leave. If you want to continue, then we can stay in here or go somewhere else, but this isn’t the only time I want to see you unless...”
“No, I want to see you again.”
I hear the hesitation in his voice, and I can’t spit my answer out fast enough. If he wants to see me, then I want to see him. Or rather, I want to see him, regardless. At least I’ll admit my thoughts to him if he’s brave enough to go first. I feel like complete chicken shit putting him in that position, as though just because he’s the guy he should lead the way. That I shouldn’t express my opinions unless he has first, but it’s a lot less scary if I’m responding to him than me waiting for rejection.
I know it’s not fair to expect that of him. Perhaps he fears the same things I do, but he’s a hell of a lot braver than I am. That’s how he comes across even when he’s being the strong silent type.
“I don’t know, sir.” I remember what the original question was.
“Cormac. We’re not scening right now, Joey. We might be in here, and we might be at a club, but this isn’t a scene. This is just the two of us deciding what we want together. I don’t want to make those decisions on my own.”
“I want more tonight, Cormac. But that was so perfect I don’t know that I have the energy to match that or top that. I definitely would like to do it again sometime soon.”
“Tomorrow?”
He asks so softly I almost don’t hear him. It’s his turn not to meet my gaze. He looks like he’s staring at me, but I can tell he’s looking at my nose rather than my eyes. I know because it’s a tactic I used with my father and uncles when I was growing up. I did it when I was too scared to look them in the eye.
“I don’t have plans, so that would be really nice.”
I wonder at what point he might bring up a formal contract and some type of established schedule or routine or whatever it would be for him since my guess is his schedule is even more unpredictable than mine. I often work later than I expect because home visits or hospital visits can take longer than I prepare for.
“Joey, let’s try this out for a month or two, and if we like how things are going, then we can draft a contract and make this formal. I don’t want to push you into something that might not be right for you after all.”
“And I don’t want you to feel obligated to offer me something if you realize it’s not right for you either.”
“Thank you.”
Is that relief, or am I reading too much into those two words? Probably reading too much into it, but as the endorphins and dopamine continue to wear off—it’s not quite sub drop, but I’m not feeling as blissful as I was a few minutes ago—he can tell. It’s obvious he’s an experienced Dom because he pulls me closer. The hand that was stroking my arm now strokes my head and my hair down my back. I close my eyes, and I could drift off if we were anywhere other than a play place.
“Joey, how did you get to McGinty’s?”
“I took a ride-share.”
“Okay. Do you want me to take you home or would you rather a ride-share again?”
I feel his already stone thighs tense beneath me, even though the rest of his body feels relaxed, and his breathing and heart rate haven’t changed. I can tell he doesn’t like the idea of me getting into an Uber or Lyft.
“I could take a cab or the subway.”
I test those ideas, and his arms tighten around me, disliking it even more than the idea of some type of car service.
“Joey, if you don’t want me to take you home—you don’t want me to know where you live—that’s fine. I can call a car from my family’s fleet. The guy doesn’t have to tell me where you live. I will promise I won’t ask, and he won’t offer. I really don’t like the idea of you going home without someone there to guard you. Not after being with me and possibly being seen and recognized getting out of the car here or even getting into the car near McGinty’s. And after everything we just did, I want to make sure you get home safely.”
“Thank you, Cor. I’m happy to get a ride from you. I trust you if I’m willing to let you spank me and fuck me. I’m pretty sure I can let you drop me off at the corner.”
I try to infuse some lightness in my tone, but he merely nods. I doubt he’ll let me out anywhere but my front door. Despite what we just shared, I have a moment’s hesitation about him coming to my door. It seems a little foolish to worry about that now, but there’s a level of protection here at the club where there are Dungeon Masters if ever I needed them. It’d be different if he came to my apartment.
“Joey, just let me be sure you make it to your place without any trouble. I don’t have to come inside with you. I just want to know you’re safe. That’s all I want.”
“All right. Thank you.”
It doesn’t take us long to dress and put our masks back on before we make our way down to the lower level. I know we’re both watching out for Deirdre, but neither of us spies her. I duck into the restroom and grab my clothes from the locker. I hurry in case she’s still here. I don’t need a repeat of our earlier conversation.
I’m exhausted by the time we arrive at my place, and I’m glad I agreed to him driving me home. I have a moment’s worry when he doesn’t open my car door immediately when he gets to it. He reassures me everything is fine, but I let him walk me up to my apartment since it made me nervous.
“I’m glad we ran into each other tonight.”
We’re facing each other outside my unit. He didn’t hold my hand or wrap his arm around me as we left Obsidian or as we walked into my building or out of the elevator and to my apartment. But his hand rested at the small of my back, actually touching it rather than merely hovering.
“Me too, sir.”
“Cormac. When we’re not scening, let’s stick to first names.”
I nod, but I no longer meet his gaze. He shifts to look me in the eye, but I refuse.
“Look at me, Joey.”
He might say we’re not roleplaying, but his tone says we are. My gaze snaps to his.
“Yes, Cormac.”
“What aren’t you saying? What do you need that you don’t think you’re getting?”
I put on my big girl panties.
“How often do you want to see me? And if I’m allowed to use your first name when we aren’t roleplaying, I take it you don’t want a twenty-four seven dynamic.”
“I’d like to see you as often as we can, but at least once during the week and most of the weekend. I travel a lot for work, so there may be last-minute cancelations, or times I can’t make it even though it’s a scheduled day.”
Scheduled day .
It sounds so sterile, but we’re not a romantic couple. It doesn’t have to be. But I don’t want to just be an appointment. That hurts.
“Do you want a twenty-four seven, Joey? Do you want us to check in daily? Do want a D/s dynamic every time we interact?”
If I say yes, how fucking needy does that make me after one night? I hesitate a moment too long before he shifts, forcing me to stand with my back to the wall. He cages me in again, his forearms resting on the wall. He keeps his voice low so none of my neighbors can hear.
“You are going to be a good little subbie and tell your Dom what you want. You are going to tell the entire truth, little one. If you don’t, I’ll know. Then I’ll spank you, right here, right now. If you don’t, I’ll edge you and make you warm my cock the next time we’re together before you get on your knees and swallow my cum.”
I’m ready to fall to my knees now.
“Yes, sir. If we run into each other in the neighborhoods where I work, then I want us to be Cormac and Jocelyn. But when we’re alone in person or on the phone or via text, then I want to be your sub.”
“Do you want me to check on you daily?”
“You don’t have to.”
“That doesn’t answer my question, cailín . Do you want me to?”
“It would be nice.”
“Are you trying to get a spanking, Joey? Or are you that uncomfortable expressing what you want?”
I shrug, suddenly nervous.
“Joey, what do you need ?”
You .
Desperate much?
But I can’t remain silent when he asks that. It’s the question and his tone.
“I need to know you’re sticking around, so the calls would make me feel more confident. I want them, sir.”
We seem to realize at the same moment we don’t even have each other’s phone number. Cormac reaches into his pocket and withdraws his phone just as I retrieve mine. We smile at one another, but he hesitates to offer his to me so I can enter my number. He doesn’t ask for mine, so he could do it.
As he watches me, I still haven’t figured out why Cormac grows shy sometimes. It’s as though he thinks I might not give him my number despite what we’ve already talked about. Despite the fact he’s already fucked me. Despite the fact he’s had his fingers in my ass.
It’s funny to me—perhaps I shouldn’t say that because I’m not laughing. It’s perplexing to me that he’s such a confident man in most situations and so dominant during sex, yet he has these moments where he seems to withdraw, almost too shy to ask for what he wants.
He’s never talkative, even when he’s conversational. He expresses his thoughts, but he doesn’t chatter, and he isn’t into small talk. I pluck his phone from his hands and enter my number to text my phone. As soon as I do, I hand it back to him, and when mine pings, I respond to the text.
I save his number and wait to see what he has to say next. But since he’s so shy, I realize making plans to see each other again will fall to me. That’s one of the scariest propositions I’ve ever encountered.
What if he rejects me instead? I have no reason to believe that, just like I don’t think he has a reason to be shy. However, that’s where we’re at. I shoot my shot.
“Are you available again this week?”
He smiles even broader than when we both pulled our phones out at the same time.
“I’d like that. Right now, I’m available tomorrow night. Would you be interested in meeting up again?”
“Yes, I’m free tomorrow as well. We could always try my club.”
The moment I say those last two words, his entire expression changes. He shakes his head.
“If that’s really where you’re most comfortable, then we can. But there are members of that club I’d rather not run into, and I’m certain they’d prefer not to see me there, of all places.”
It only takes me a moment to deduce what he means. My eyebrows shoot up and my eyes widen.
“Do you mean there are members of other families who go there? Does P?—”
I catch myself before I say his entire name, but immediately Cormac’s eyes narrow and his expression changes. His jaw hardens.
“Yes. He does happen to be a member there. So is Javier.”
I should have known this would come up eventually. I’d hoped to make it through the entire night before it did.
“I’ve never seen either of them there, Cor. That’s why I almost asked if Pablo’s a member.”
“It’s a club now owned entirely by the bratva, and I’d rather not run into them, either. Explain it to me, Joey.”
“Explain what? I don’t know what you mean.”
His eyes narrow even further to slits. They’ve got to be almost closed, but I doubt he ever closes them longer than to blink if he’s somewhere other than his own home. It would mean somebody could approach him without him noticing. Then again, he seems to have a sixth sense for any of that stuff. He could be blindfolded and gagged, and he would still know somebody was approaching. Even ear plugged.
“He made it sound as though you were flirting with him the other day.”
“What other day?”
He must mean the day they fought. I only caught snippets and knew they spoke about a woman, but I didn’t realize it was me. I got pissed because of how they acted in public.
“He said you were having a conversation and checking him out throughout it. Then he implied you were in that building to see Javier.
“Why would I ever see Javier at that building?”
“Because he owns an apartment there where he keeps a sub.”
Now it’s my turn for my eyebrows to shoot straight up. “You think I’m that woman?”
“No, not anymore.”
“You ever thought that?” I’m incredulous and insulted.
“I wasn’t sure what to think for a while.”
“But you don’t believe it anymore? Or did you believe it until we fucked and now you don’t?”
“I wasn’t sure what to believe until somebody in the neighborhood explained Pablo was lying to me. I want to know why he would do it. What did he think to gain by telling me you were checking him out or that you might be involved with his cousin?”
“Obviously, he was trying to piss you off, and in the meantime, probably risking my fucking life. What if somebody heard that and believed I was involved with a Cartel member?”
He shoots me a sardonic smile as though I should realize how stupid it sounds to object when I just spent the night at a sex club with a mobster. But I already know I feel differently about Cormac than I ever could about a Diaz or even somebody in the Mafia or bratva. I’m probably a fool for that, but I just do.
“I don’t know, Joey. It sounded like you and Pablo are much more friendly than you claimed.”
“Well, then he lied, and you believed him, and that’s precisely what he wanted. He wanted to goad you, and he succeeded. I bet you showed no reaction to it, but I also bet he knows you well enough to read you even when you don’t want to be read.”
“Is that how he is with you?”
“No, Cormac. He’s nothing with me because you’ve seen how I try to avoid him.”
“But do you really?”
My anger spikes, and I’m ready to walk in my apartment and slam the door in his face. I don’t want to see him at all right now, and I definitely don’t want to see him tomorrow night if this is the way he’s going to be. He can’t trust me even a bit. I know he’s known Pablo longer than he has me, but I’d like to think I’ve been more trustworthy than Pablo Diaz ever could be.
“Cormac, Pablo will say anything and everything to fuck somebody over. If he thinks he can do that to you—someone who’s always been his rival—then he’ll use any excuse to do it. That’s me right now. I resent that he would include me in whatever little vendetta the two of you have against each other. And I resent you believing him at all when I’ve given you no reason to think I want anything to do with the man.”
He watches me for a moment, and it’s only giving me more time to stew, and my anger spikes to the roof.
“You know what, Cormac? Never mind. Never mind about any of it. Never mind about tomorrow night. Never mind about me. If it’s going to take you this long to even consider believing me, then I want nothing to do with you. I don’t want to be with somebody in any capacity who doesn’t trust me, especially not when I’m going to submit everything to him and put my well-being in his hands. Why should I trust you if you won’t trust me?”
“That’s a fair question, Joey, but it’s not just about me. Every decision I make will always include my family’s well-being. It’s never just about me. Anything I choose to do will affect them, so I must always consider that, even if it seems like it should be private between just me and my partner. I can’t be with anyone who might jeopardize my family.”
“And you believe what? That I’m going to sell secrets to Pablo? That I’m going to have him come over tonight, or leave here as soon as you do and run to him for some pillow talk? You’re unbelievable.”
I turn around and put my key in the lock.
“Joey, wait. This isn’t how I want the evening to end.”
“Then you should have thought of that before you started accusing me of things. You just took a perfect night and turned it to shit. I don’t appreciate that. I wish we’d ended tonight with wonderful memories, and instead I’m going into my place insulted and pissed off. So, like I said, forget about it. There’s nothing else to say to each other. I don’t want to see you, and I don’t want to hear from you.”
“Joey, don’t be like this.”
I grit my teeth to keep from snapping at him and saying something I can’t take back when he’s already said way more than he can ever take back.
“Cormac, go home.”