Chapter 15
Chapter Fifteen
Joey
As I tell Cormac I trust him, I realize I do. I should have understood his spike of jealousy last night because I felt it too when we encountered Deirdre. We don’t know enough about each other’s pasts to be completely comfortable yet. I could have lost my shit when another woman came up to my new Dom and announced she was pregnant, or at the very least, wanted to trap the guy into believing he fathered her child.
I worried I’d stepped too far over the line when I spoke up, but it didn’t faze Cormac. I said it out of jealousy, and I think he understood. I think his fuck-up was greater than mine, but I could have been more forgiving. I am tonight.
If I’m honest with myself, I’ve trusted him since the moment he tried to shield me when we fell down the steps. I may have protected him first, but he’s tried to keep protecting me ever since. Some of his jealousy comes from fear for my safety, and I get that. He’s not the first man in my life to act that way, even if the same thing didn’t motivate their jealousy. My brother’s been a royal pain in the ass because of it.
“Can we use the tantra chair, please?”
“If that’s what you’d like, then that’s what we’ll do.”
“Thank you, sir. May I undress you?”
“Yes.”
It’s better than unwrapping Christmas and birthday gifts combined. Peeling off each layer of clothes, exposing more of his impressive body, makes my pussy throb. The emptiness aches to the point of a burn. But I refuse to hurry. I relish each moment as I pull his shirt along his arms. The massive shamrock with the O in the center moves every time his pec flexes. The tats across the back of his shoulders—ones I’m certain hold significance—ripple with each movement. He’s a masterpiece chiseled from granite.
We remove our masks now that no one else can see us. He removes my lingerie once I’ve stripped him and slid a condom on. We move to the tantra chair, and I wait for instructions. I wonder what he has in mind, and Deirdre’s face flashes before my eyes as I look at the curved piece of furniture. He wraps his arms around me and kisses my shoulder. I sink back into his embrace.
“Don’t think about her, and I won’t think about your past. We’re here together now, and we have time to make fresh memories.”
I nod and swallow. I don’t like this wave of emotion crushing me. Memories as only his sub and nothing more. That’s all he’s offered, so that’s all I can take. It’s a sad refrain that plays through my mind. But I refuse to let it ruin tonight. I want this more than I want to think about what might have been.
He steps around me and reclines on the chair, holding his arms open.
“Face me to start.”
I oblige and straddle him as I stroke behind his balls. He needs no coaxing, and neither do I. He guides me to ease down his length, teasing us together. Once I’m seated to the hilt, he rocks my hips as he thrusts. His hands run over my body as I lean forward to brace myself. My swinging tits are the invitation I hope them to be. He latches on and sucks the left one as his eyes drift shut, but only for a moment. Our gazes lock.
Everything else fades away. I don’t care about anything else happening—not here, not in the world, not in my life. He consumes every nook and cranny of my mind right now. I’d do anything to keep these sensations going. To keep him looking at me the way he is.
“You test my restraint, cailín . I want this to last. There are too many positions to enjoy to finish this fast.”
He offers me a lopsided grin, and I can’t help but laugh. When I do, my flexing muscles make him groan. He bites my nipple before stopping my rocking motion.
“Turn around.”
One benefit of a tantra chair is it’s possible to change positions without having the guy pull out or the woman get up. I spin around, placing my feet between his spread legs, his feet on the floor. He guides me to recline onto his chest, arching my back. I watch us in the ceiling mirror, and I can see he’s doing the same thing. He lifts and lowers me on his cock until we move at the pace he wants. His hands glide over me once again, then linger over my tits as he massages them. He’s kissing my shoulder and neck, moving my hair out of the way before trailing his fingers down my sternum and belly until he reaches my clit. It’s tender, but it only heightens my arousal.
“May I come, sir?”
“No. You will not come until we do it together, and I’m not ready for this to end.”
He levers me forward, so my forearms rest in front of me, and I bounce on his cock.
“Fuck, little one. You feel better than anything I’ve ever experienced. Your arse is glorious.”
He kneads and spreads it, and I watch in the mirror as he stares at it.
“One of these nights, I’m going to come in your arse. Then I’m going to check in the morning to be sure you haven’t spilled a drop.”
What the hell does that mean ?
Would he come by my place to check? How would I make it home without any leaking? Would we spend the night together?
He rearranges my legs to draw one back over his hip, my shin resting on the upward portion of the chair. I push my other leg forward since it’s the only way for me to balance when I’m pretty much doing the splits.
“Are you all right? Or is this position too uncomfortable?”
“It’s fine, sir. I do yoga and Pilates, and I was a gymnast when I was younger.”
I’ve remained flexible because of my workouts, but also as a sub to please my Doms. It’s benefiting me now.
“Holy shit, sir. You’re so deep. I—I—Fuck.”
“I know, little one. Keep going.”
I push up onto my hands, and my head falls back. He fists my hair and pulls me toward him. He nips my earlobe before biting the crook of my neck.
“Thank you for trusting me, Joey.”
Did the roleplay just end ?
“You’re welcome, s?—”
“Cormac.”
Nothing prepared me for this sudden shift. Why did he end it?
He eases me back into a position where he can maneuver me. He’s said nothing else, and I don’t know what to say. He lifts me and turns, so now my back is against the upward curved part of the lounger. He slides his arms under my legs, so the backs of my thighs rest over his upper arms.
“I’m going to fuck you hard, Joey. I need it. You’re mine.”
“Fuck me as hard as you can because I am yours.”
“It doesn’t go one way.”
As I stare into his gaze, something is different. I feel it in his touch, and I hear it in his voice. I can’t name it, but I think I feel it too. I don’t know what changed or how he knew.
“You’re so damn tight, little girl. You’re going to squeeze the cum out of me. Can you be a good girl for me and do that?”
“Yes, sir.”
I guess we’re back to our roles again.
He shakes his head. Maybe not.
“Joey, we’re equals in this. Tell me what you want. Anything.”
“Just you.”
That’s the truth. I want him more than my next breath. He fills every part of me.
He grunts and slams into me over and over as I tilt my hips to him. Our gazes don’t waver. Tonight is unlike any I’ve ever experienced. I’ve fucked plenty, but this is like a spiritual awakening. Everything we’ve shared since the moment we arrived. It’s all led to this moment.
We built a lot of trust with what we’ve shared here. I don’t know if he feels the same, but it’s as though he’s imprinted onto me. Maybe I’ve been reading too many shifter romances or something. I’m romanticizing something that may not exist, but my mind’s convinced.
“Are you close, Joey?”
“Yes. So close…I’m almost there…I’m about to come.”
“Good. I can’t last.”
“Come in me, Cor. Fill me with your cum.”
I know he has a condom on, but he gets it from the gleam in his eyes. He surges into me two more times before I scream.
“Cor!”
He’s right there with me as he screams my name, too. “Joey!”
My body trembles as I pant. I cling to him, frightened by the intensity of what just happened. It was nearly the sensations of breath play, but he wasn’t anywhere near my throat. He lifts me and walks to a basket with sub blankets, ones to wrap around subs when they finish a scene. Subs often sweat during scenes from the strain, so when it’s done, it can suddenly feel like the room’s freezing.
He wraps one around me and another around himself. He takes us back to the tantra lounger and reclines. I nestle against him, my head on his chest, eyes closed. He runs his hand up and down my back while the other pats my ass. It’s beyond soothing.
After a couple minutes, I feel more like myself and pull away. But his embrace tightens, and his hand puts my head back against his chest. I’d had my arms folded between us, but I wrap them around him. I feel his shuddering sigh. I tighten my arms and legs, and his entire body relaxes. I hadn’t realized it could. It’s not like he’s gone soft—not even his dick—but I don’t feel the tension I didn’t realize was there because of his muscular build.
My heart melts as my left hand runs over his ribs, then up to his chest. I tilt my head back and nudge his chin. I pray he’ll kiss me, but he doesn’t. When I gaze up at him, he nods. I start the kiss, and it’s fucking bliss. I wish I knew what he thinks and feels.
“Joey, will you come home with me tonight? Or if you’re not comfortable with my place, then a hotel where there’s security and a front desk staff. I don’t want to let go of you yet.”
I push up to look at him without my head being at an awkward angle. “Do you invite women to your place?”
“Never. You’re the only one.”
“Is this just for tonight?”
“I don’t know. I hope not. Can we talk about whatever this is in the morning? If you still want a contract, then we can draft it. If you want to come to my place during the week and weekends, we can do that. Or I have a vacant rental we can use.”
My blood freezes.
You stupid idiot.
I rear back and am ready to climb off him until I truly see his expression. He’d practically whispered the offer. I can’t describe the way he looks as anything short of anxious. The longer I don’t respond, the more I witness him retreat. He nods and moves to sit up.
“Wait. Did you make that offer because you believe it’s what I want?”
“Yes. You agreed to be my sub. I’d like to meet somewhere besides here. I want you to be comfortable wherever that is.”
“Besides meeting somewhere else, what do you want?”
He won’t meet my gaze, looking at my nose instead. I know the difference since I do the same thing when I’m uncomfortable.
“Cormac, you don’t want what you’re offering, so why are you?”
“It’s what we agreed to.”
“And if our agreement needs to change?”
He jerks away, lifting me off him and placing me on the chair as he stands.
“If here is all you want, or you don’t want this, then I’ll understand.”
“Stop. Cormac, you’ve put up a wall so high, I don’t even know if there is anything on the other side. Why do you assume I’m rejecting you?”
“Because I’m asking too much of you too soon.”
“You know what happens when you assume. Don’t be an ass and don’t make me into one. If being your sub is all you’re comfortable with or all you want, then I still agree to it.”
He pulls me from the seat and nearly suffocates me with how tightly he holds me.
“I don’t just want you as my sub. I shouldn’t be entering any agreement so soon after ending my previous one. But what I thought I could accept even an hour ago isn’t what I can handle now. Joey, I want this dynamic with you when we have sex. But I don’t want this to be the only thing we have. I don’t want one night a week and most of a weekend just to fuck. I want any and every night to be together. Sex isn’t my only wish.”
“Are you saying you want to date?”
He eases his hold on me and runs his hand over his face.
“I started this here, but it’s fecking awkward to discuss in a BDSM club while we’re naked.”
Fecking .
He’s adorable. He’ll say fuck when it’s an activity, but not when he needs an expletive in conversation. It’s sweet.
“Then let’s get dressed at least.”
“That’s not enough. What we need to talk about has to be done in private. I can’t risk somewhere so public.”
I mouth “mob stuff?”
He nods.
I hurry to dress, which takes me a lot less time than it does him. When we reach the door, he pauses and looks back.
“ Cailín , it’s never been like that before.”
“Same.”
It was a quiet ride to his place, but we held hands the entire way. I’m in a pair of his sweatpants rolled over five times to keep me from tripping, and a sweatshirt that dwarfs me. I’ve never worn anything so comfortable in my life. He’s in a pair of black track pants, and his ass is delectable. You could bounce a quarter off it. The pants are male lingerie.
“Let’s sit, and I’ll explain what I can.”
I doubt I’m going to like most of what I hear, but I’ll listen, nonetheless. He guides me to the sofa and waits for me to sit. He takes a spot in the corner, and I scoot closer. It’s all the hint he needs. He lifts me onto his lap and cocoons me again like he did earlier. Like he always does when he embraces me. I feel safer, and I need that right now.
“You know who I am and what I am. You need to understand I choose what I do every day, but I don’t choose who I have to be. I was born into this, and I will die in this. My family’s been in the mob for three generations on one side and four on the other. My cousin is the mob boss. Our uncle was our boss before him, and our grandfather before that, and so on and so on. Right now, I’m third in line. Dillan and Finn are both older than me, but I’m older than the other guys. Not by much, but I am.”
“Cor, I grew up in Mexico. I know what the cartels do. Maybe you do the same things, but if you do, you keep it private. I’ve seen what the cartels leave on the street. I’ve seen it happen. There’s far less you need to explain than I think you realize. I get this isn’t a choice. If you walk away, you’re as good as dead. If your family is as close as they seem and as close as the Diazes, then I know they wouldn’t let you be a target. It would only endanger you all. Your family can’t abdicate without agreeing to their deaths. No new family would let the old one live without fear of them coming back. I know you probably do things you hate. I’m sure you’re not proud of them like some syndicate men are. Nothing about you makes me think you find joy in whatever you do. You’re too kind, and the men I’ve met who thrive on what they do are never kind. I’ve lived my life with a don’t ask, don’t tell policy. I will never ask you what you do or where you go, and I don’t expect you to tell me. Keep me away from that part of your life, and I can accept it.”
I’ve seen shit most people couldn’t fathom. I don’t want that in my life, but I want Cormac. I can’t have one without the other, and I get that.
“I wish it were still that simple, but it’s not. My uncle, his cousin a few times removed, and his best friend fecked us all over by going after bratva women. They died for their sins, but it started a tsunami of shite my cousin couldn’t stop before the waves came ashore. It was our family or theirs, and ours will come before anything else until kingdom come. Their deaths didn’t stop what they started, and now women and children aren’t off limits anymore.”
“Cor, the Mexican cartels don’t discriminate. They target anyone within range. I don’t enjoy knowing there were dishonorable men in your family who could endanger me, even after they’re dead. As long as you don’t use children or target them, then I’ll figure out how to accept all of this.”
“What kind of life did you have in Mexico?”
“The kind that made me move here. I grew up with plenty of privileges, but I have more opportunities here.”
I kiss his cheek and nuzzle his neck. We’re wading into dangerous waters—I’m keeping the metaphor going. I don’t want to talk about my past. Nothing good can come of it. He covers my hand that was stroking his chest. He looks down at me, and I know he’s aware I’m trying to distract him. He observes me for a moment before kissing my forehead and continuing.
“If we move this beyond what we planned, I need you to accept a security detail permanently. It won’t be negotiable. I told you they’re trained to be unobtrusive, but they’ll keep you safe. That’s the highest priority to me, Joey. I won’t compromise, and I’ll punish you if you do things to endanger yourself or my men. It doesn’t matter if it’s willful or by accident.”
“I understand. You know this world here, and I don’t. I defer to you because all you’ve wanted is to protect me and take care of me.”
“There will be times when I disappear. I can’t tell you where I’m going or how long I’ll be away. Many times, I won’t know until I leave. If it’s for more than three days, I want you to go to my parents. I know you don’t know them yet, but they’ll know what to do. My mom’s the one whose family rules our branch, but my dad’s family has been in since the old country. Both sides of the family were once part of the same clan and somehow related about ten or fifteen generations ago. Both sides have had sons to keep passing along the O’Rourke name. I’m one twice over.”
“You mean your mom didn’t have to change her name when she got married?”
“Yeah. Neither did my two aunts. Three sisters married three brothers.”
“Were they arranged or something?”
“No. Not at all. Dillan’s parents got together first when they were teenagers. My mom and dad and my other aunt and uncle dated a few years later.”
“That’s super sweet.”
“It is. Nauseatingly sweet.”
As I watch Cormac, I wonder if we could ever be that way. When he tips my chin up and presses a gentle kiss to my lips, I think maybe we can.
We’re interrupted when my phone rings. I stretch to where I put it on the coffee table. Fuck my life.