19. Above Average
19
Above Average
What did crossing this line mean for us? I probably shouldn’t have sat so close to Sal, or rubbed his shoulder, or taken him up on this kissing stuff. My whole body overheated from his touch. Rational thought had melted away along with any sense of self-preservation. I was smiling like an idiot. Blushing, too.
I pulled a pillow to my burning face and flopped onto it, away from Sal. “I can’t believe we just did that,” I muttered, my words muffled.
“I can’t either.” He ran his thumb over the exposed skin on my hip between my shirt and pants.
I shivered through a giggle, then shot upright before I could do anything else embarrassing. No funny business here. My hair floated out of its elastic with static, so I smoothed it down. “I suppose stranger things have happened thanks to sleep-deprivation.”
He screwed up his face. “Do you often make out with people when you’re tired?”
“No, but I accidentally aligned the wheels on a bot wrong, once. It kept circling like a canoe where only one side is paddling.” I snorted. Maybe that was a metaphor for the bad relationship with my department. But I figured it out. I always did .
“If you’re tired, I can–”
“No.” I gripped his sleeve. “If you leave, I’d just stay up gaming. I’d rather talk. About anything.” With him, at least.
He settled closer to me again, stroking my fingers with absent playfulness. “Have you build anything lately?”
“Not really.” Just Janice-land. Anything outside the virtual world could be a little dangerous. I needed time before my next big fuck-up, if it hadn’t already happened. I rolled my lips together and sat on my hands.
He pushed a stray lock behind my ear, his tone casual. “So, why aren’t you sleeping?”
I rubbed that same tingling ear on my shoulder. “I don’t know. I’ve been busy. Playing. Crafting. Pretending to have a social life.” Fighting off the existential dread of another day in retail. I yawned.
He scooted to the other end of the couch. “Well, if you’re sure you want me to stay, I guess we can nap or put on that show again, Space Spies 3009.”
“Are you sure? I can fix the drum set.” It just might take a minute.
He fluffed a pillow. “Naw, let’s get comfy. Pizza, pals, and blankets are some of my favorite combinations. This can be a chill thing, you and me, right? I need to chill out more. With a pal.”
‘Pals.’ I clicked the remotes, the word tumbling around in my brain. Were we more than that now that we kissed? Or was it really just a show of prowess and part of a silly bit?
It was an excellent kiss.
Maybe I was overthinking it. He said he wanted to chill, though. Wasn’t that a euphemism?
As much as I trusted Sal, I didn’t want to fall asleep on him. Or sleep with him. Yet. I propped my head up and curled onto the opposite side of the couch, trying not to think about it .
Hooking up with my only in-person friend would mean I had no friends again. I’d have a friend with benefits. Or even stranger, a boyfriend.
And he probably didn’t even think of me like that. He was reeling from his breakup with Janice. For all I knew, he’d call one of the girls from the bar tomorrow for that ‘rain check.’
I squirmed, pushing my toes against his leg.
“You cold?” He tossed a throw blanket over my legs, then tucked me in.
“You’re so nice.” I frowned, straightening out the hem. Either one of those bar girls could swoop in and take advantage of him. His loneliness. His kindness. He’d be desperate, afraid the next girl would leave him. Or maybe I was projecting after too many psych evaluations from my parents. I might as well ask him.
I nudged him with my feet. “You’re not looking for a new relationship, right?”
“I…what?” He cracked a semi-hysterical smile.
“You said you wanted to preserve your friendship with Janice by not jumping into anything right away. Does that include dates?” I scrambled to fit my glasses over my nose so I could read his expressions better.
“I guess. I don’t know, yet.” He hugged a pillow and trained his gaze on the TV, his brow furrowed. Classic avoidance.
He’d know if he worked through it. Processed. For now, I’d be here for him. Maybe my staring was too intense, but I found it hard to focus on the show when my friend was in distress. “Is it because of Janice?”
He chuckled and vaguely gestured to me. “I’m sure it seems kinda stupid that I’m that concerned about staying friends with my ex.”
It was. But his feelings mattered, as did his relationships.
“Are you hoping to get back together?” I asked.
“No.” He smiled ruefully and stroked the pillow. “I don’t think so.”
I scooted toward him. “I’m sorry if this is a painful topic. Maybe it’s none of my business, even though we did just kiss. ”
He gave me a bizarre look, like I’d just told a weird joke or stated the obvious. But which was it?
“Not that I think that means you’d want to date me,” I hurried to say. “Plenty of people kiss for the fun of it. Or fondness. And we are friends.”
Great. I was digging the hole deeper.
I sighed and rubbed my temples. “What I mean to say is, I care about you and your happiness.”
“Thanks?” He tilted his head.
Again, was this obvious? I reached for his hand, then drew back before I could touch him. “I’m sorry if this is weird. I’m not good at relationships. Or friendships. I have a hard time recognizing what people want or need or how I’m impacting their feelings.”
“I kinda got that.” He glanced pointedly at my hand, then threaded our fingers together. “Does this feel okay?”
“Yes.” More than okay. Although I might have a heart attack in five minutes. “I’m just not sure you’re ready to date again so soon after a breakup. I don’t want to see you get hurt, and I certainly don’t want to be someone who hurts you.”
“I won’t get hurt by some kisses and hand-holding. Not unless you bite me,” he teased.
I rolled my eyes and smiled. “Does that mean we can keep kissing?”
“Do you want to?” He raised his brows.
Was that so surprising?
“I don’t know,” I admitted, pushing my glasses up and studying our linked hands. For once, he couldn’t gesture with both of his hands when he talked.
Was it worth it?
“I think so,” I said. “But I don’t want to take advantage of your situation. Do you want to kiss again?”
“Yes,” he rasped, his eyes shining as he drifted closer .
Oh god, was he sad? Enraptured? I eased back. “How can we be sure you’re ready? Do we wait a few months? What about weeks? What are the boundaries?”
“I’m not sure.” He chuckled, rubbing his thumb over my knuckles. “What are you hoping for?”
Comfort. Companionship.
Not love, exactly.
“I’m curious,” I said.
“About being with a guy?” He raised his eyebrows.
“Well, I know how women work.” I was one. I stroked the fair hair on his forearm and it prickled to attention. “I’ve wondered what it’s like to be with a nice man.” One who could make me laugh. They were shockingly hard to come by, in my experience. One who valued my friendship without access to my body was even rarer.
“Am I a nice man?” He grinned.
“So far, yes.” I struggled to keep my gaze on his twinkling eyes instead of his charming smile. “But I’d like you to be honest, even if it means we’re incompatible. Forget everyone else’s happiness. What do you want?”
He inhaled deeply and wrapped his arm around me, craning his neck toward the ceiling. “Cuddles, chats, and maybe sex. Right now, all I want is someone I can talk to. Someone who doesn’t expect me to be ‘on’ all the time, or that I’ll take her out every weekend, or suck up to her friends.”
“That won’t be a problem. I hate going out, and I don’t have many friends.”
Sal laughed, then sat up. “Wait, are you serious?”
I nodded and pushed up my glasses. “I moved and changed my name. Now, I have online friends, but they sort of cycle depending on what game I’m obsessed with at the moment.” There weren’t guilds in Craft Cove, though. I was expected to make real-life friends to build with. At least I had. Sort of. “We’re friends, though, right? Friends who kiss? "
“Sounds like we might be heading toward a friends-with-benefits situation,” Sal said, awkwardly shimmying closer with a little laugh.
But what about his other friends? I cringed at the idea of that white-haired waiter congratulating him for hooking up with someone, asking for details, or pushing him to get someone better. Even that bouncer guy might judge us for our arrangement. I could see him calling us idiots. My brother would definitely have an opinion about this. Would there be a weird tension between me, Sal, and Ash?
None of that mattered, but my insides twisted all the same.
I stroked his fuzzy cheek. “You won’t…tell people about what we’re doing, right? We can keep it private?”
His smile twitched. “Sure.”
“I don’t want any drama. Or games.” I frowned. “Except Craft Cove. And maybe Just Rock, if I can get that track pad to work again.”
He chuckled and shook his head, his dimples fully on display. “Can I kiss you again?”
“Yes.”
My heart raced into overdrive, and I sealed my lips over his.
If we’d started out above average, I could only imagine how excellent we’d be with practice.