Chapter 4
CHAPTER FOUR
TRAVIS
TruthGuardian
You’re seriously trying to tell me someone would mistake mixing with tap-dancing?
SunshineGuy
Have you HEARD a KitchenAid with an unbalanced dough hook at 2 a.m.? It’s basically the Lord of the Dance.
TruthGuardian
Six months without meeting? In the same building? What were they doing, coordinating schedules to avoid each other?
SunshineGuy
Maybe they worked opposite shifts?
TruthGuardian
And we’re supposed to believe someone just accepts random baked goods from a stranger? That’s how you end up on true-crime podcasts. “She ate the mystery muffins. It was a fatal mistake.”
SunshineGuy
Oh my god, now you have people plotting murder via pastry. Besides, who’s turning down free croissants?
My fingers are flying rapidly across my keyboard as I reply to him.
TruthGuardian
Someone with a functioning sense of self-preservation? Also, “increasingly flirty notes?” What does that even mean? Did they progress from “please, stop” to “please, stop, you beautiful flour-covered disaster?”
SunshineGuy
I’m imagining a whole progression. Week 1: “SOME PEOPLE HAVE JOBS.” Week 8: “The cinnamon rolls were divine, but you’re still Satan.” Week 16: “Are you single? Asking for the cookies.”
I huff out at laugh at that. But I won’t let SunshineGuy distract me. Time for some math.
TruthGuardian
Let me check apartment building statistics… Okay, the average apartment building has 8-12 units per floor. The probability of not running into your immediate upstairs neighbor for six months is approximately 0.003%.
SunshineGuy
You did NOT just calculate that.
TruthGuardian
I have a spreadsheet for everything, remember?
SunshineGuy
Do you have a spreadsheet for “likelihood of romance via baked goods?”
TruthGuardian
I do now. Column A: Type of Baked Good. Column B: Romantic Success Rate. Column C: Risk of Poisoning.
SunshineGuy
This is why you’re single, isn’t it?
TruthGuardian
Says the person defending someone who apparently fell in love with their ceiling.
SunshineGuy
Okay, but here’s the thing—sometimes written communication IS easier than face-to-face. Like, you can be braver in writing. Say things you’d never say aloud.
Something uncomfortable twists in my chest.
Because he’s right. I am definitely braver in writing. I’ve said more to SunshineGuy in two years of moderating the forum than I’ve said to most people I’ve known my entire life. It’s easier to be honest with someone who only exists as words on a screen.
TruthGuardian
That’s…actually a valid point.
SunshineGuy
Did you just agree with me? Should I screenshot this for posterity?
TruthGuardian
I said it was valid, not that you were right. There’s a difference. But yeah, writing gives you time to think and not completely embarrass yourself.
SunshineGuy
Exactly! Like, I’m way smoother in writing. I once responded to a guy who said, “I like your shirt,” with, “Thanks, it has buttons.”
I can’t help laughing, which is becoming an inconveniently frequent response to SunshineGuy’s messages.
TruthGuardian
That’s…interesting. What did they say?
SunshineGuy
“Yes…most shirts do.”
TruthGuardian
Did you then explain the history of button manufacturing? Because that’s where my brain would’ve gone.
SunshineGuy
Thankfully, I didn’t. But I’ll remember that for next time.
TruthGuardian
I think we’re just providing evidence as to why we spend so much time writing carefully edited messages to strangers on the internet.
SunshineGuy
That’s true. But I’m actually about to go on a date with a real person tonight, so I consider that progress.
A date. The words register with an impact that seems disproportionate.
Of course he has a date. He’s probably charming in real life, all sunshine and optimism and believing the best in people.
I’m sure he’s searching for his own story that he can post about in QueerWaystoFallinLove, complete with some ridiculous meet-cute that I’ll inevitably have to verify.
And I’m bothered by this. Which is data I’m choosing not to examine too closely.
I’ve taken too long to reply, and the next message from him pops up.
SunshineGuy
So I’m preparing myself to risk having to communicate face-to-face without the safety net of editing my responses three times.
I swallow hard.
TruthGuardian
Have fun on your date. Maybe don’t mention your passionate defense of people who fall in love during colonoscopy prep. That’s third-date material at best.
SunshineGuy
Thanks for the tip.
Before I can reply, the glowing icon next to his name disappears. He’s gone.
Fuck.
I put down my phone and run a hand through my hair, trying to identify exactly why my mood has dropped several points in the last thirty seconds.
It doesn’t matter that SunshineGuy has a date. This hollow feeling in my chest is completely illogical. Therefore, I’m electing to ignore it.
Anyway, I’ve actually got my own date tonight.
Okay. So it’s a blind date. And it was set up by my pesky, interfering brother. But apparently, this Devin guy is a fan of Kurt Vonnegut, who is my favorite writer and philosopher, so at least he has good taste in literature. That alone elevates this above Brocker’s previous attempts.
According to my brother’s intel, Devin has strawberry-blond hair and could be “Domhnall Gleeson’s hotter little brother,” which allegedly makes him “exactly my type.” I’d argue with that assessment, except my dating history does contain a statistically significant overrepresentation of light-haired men who are big readers.
He’s also a Giants fan and a vegetarian, the latter being relevant since dietary incompatibility has derailed two of my last four relationships. So, on paper at least, the variables align.
If nothing else, I’ll get a decent meal and a conversation about Vonnegut’s themes of free will versus determinism, which is more than most blind dates offer.
I pull up my spreadsheet titled Blind Date Probability Calculations. According to my formula—which accounts for shared interests, physical attraction potential, and Brocker’s historically unreliable matchmaking instincts—there’s a point seven percent chance this will lead to something meaningful.
But there’s a zero percent chance of anything happening if I stay home, refreshing the forum and waiting for SunshineGuy’s icon to light up again.