Epilogue
DEVIN
The story currently glowing up on QueerWaystoFallinLove is definitely going to break TruthGuardian.
I’d been obsessed with my favorite singer for years, but after I saw a video showing a tour through his pretentious apartment, I made a parody video of it.
We finally arranged to meet, and yeah, let’s just say, I had the biggest surprise of my life that night… We’ve now been together two years, and I’ve never been happier.
I’m curled up on one end of our couch, the one Travis insisted on testing in twelve different positions before purchasing, watching for his reaction.
He’s on the opposite end, laptop balanced on his knees, wearing his Thursday night pajamas—yes, he has designated sleepwear for each day of the week, and yes, I love him for it.
Travis’s typing is getting increasingly aggressive.
TruthGuardian
The statistical probability of a celebrity responding to a parody video is approximately 0.00001%.
SunshineGuy
But it’s not zero! Also, you’re making up that number.
TruthGuardian
I calculated it based on follower count, engagement rates, and the average number of viral videos per platform per day.
SunshineGuy
You did not calculate that in the thirty seconds since I approved the post.
TruthGuardian
I have a spreadsheet for celebrity interaction probabilities. I started it after you made me watch that documentary about parasocial relationships.
I glance over at him. He’s got his concentration face on, where he pushes his glasses up and gets this little crease between his eyebrows.
It’s the same face he made when he was trying to figure out the optimal reorganization for our bookshelves when I moved in—by genre, then alphabetically by author, with a separate section for “books Devin will actually finish.”
SunshineGuy
That spreadsheet better be on our shared drive. I need to see this.
TruthGuardian
It’s filed under “Evidence of Devin’s Romantic Delusions” right next to your spreadsheet of “Times Travis Admitted He Was Wrong.”
SunshineGuy
That’s a very short spreadsheet. So far, it only has two entries.
Our cat—yes, Ernest Hemingpaw officially became ours after his actual owner moved and asked if we wanted to adopt him—jumps onto Travis’s laptop keyboard.
TruthGuardian
asdfjkl;234
SunshineGuy
Compelling argument. Very articulate.
TruthGuardian
Ernest Hemingpaw agrees with me about the celebrity story being fake.
SunshineGuy
Ernest Hemingpaw is biased. You feed him.
I watch Travis gently relocate Ernest Hemingpaw to his lap, where the cat immediately starts purring.
As predicted, it took exactly three days after Travis agreed to a “trial” with Ernest Hemingpaw before he was arguing about how Ernest Hemingpaw required a heated bed for optimal sleeping conditions.
TruthGuardian
Let’s examine the evidence. Famous singer with millions of followers just HAPPENS to see a random parody video?
SunshineGuy
The algorithm works in mysterious ways! Plus, parody videos often get shared in the celebrity’s mentions.
TruthGuardian
And then he just…messages them? Through what platform? His management would never allow direct contact.
SunshineGuy
Says who? He’s in charge of his own life. And remember when you insisted the colonoscopy prep love story was “an insult to human intelligence and the entire concept of romance?”
TruthGuardian
That was different. That story involved someone claiming they fell in love with their gastroenterologist’s VOICE during the procedure. While sedated.
SunshineGuy
And yet, it was verified! They’re married now!
TruthGuardian
We agreed never to speak of that incident.
SunshineGuy
You mean the incident where you had to write “SunshineGuy’s optimism was justified” in the forum announcements? That incident?
I hear him huff from his end of the couch. But I know him well enough to know he’s fighting back a smile.
TruthGuardian
Moving in together was supposed to reduce your ability to lord past victories over me.
I can’t help smiling. Travis asking me to move in with him after six months of us dating was predictably hilarious.
We’d been practically inseparable since the moment we first met.
His family had been incredibly welcoming to me, with constant invitations, although I suspect the frequency might have something to do with how entertaining they found it to watch their cynical son melt into romantic goo around me.
I’m fairly sure that’s Brocker’s primary motivation anyway.
Meanwhile, my parents had basically adopted Travis on sight.
My dad immediately recruited Travis to help with his garage renovation project, while my mom keeps “accidentally” sending me links to wedding venues.
Yet, when Travis asked me to move in, he’d produced a spreadsheet to show how much time and money we would save without the endless travel between our apartments and the other benefits of cohabitation, like he needed to persuade me.
As if I was ever going to say no.
SunshineGuy
If anything, proximity has made me more powerful. Last night, you admitted that love at first sight might have “some biochemical validity.”
TruthGuardian
I said the immediate recognition of compatible pheromone profiles could create a strong initial attraction that might be mistaken for love at first sight.
SunshineGuy
After I asked if that’s what happened when you saw me at Garden Table.
TruthGuardian
…
SunshineGuy
That’s what I thought.
I peek over at him again. He’s definitely blushing now, the tips of his ears pink. God, I love him so much it’s ridiculous.
SunshineGuy
Back to the story. What if the celebrity was lonely? What if seeing someone make fun of his ridiculous apartment made him realize how isolated his fame had made him?
TruthGuardian
You’re projecting narrative onto coincidence.
SunshineGuy
I’m recognizing human emotion in human behavior. You should try it sometime.
TruthGuardian
I recognized human emotion last night when you cried at that commercial with the dog.
SunshineGuy
THE DOG WAITED FOR HIS OWNER EVERY DAY AT THE TRAIN STATION.
TruthGuardian
It was an ad for pet insurance.
SunshineGuy
Emotionally manipulative capitalism can still make me feel things!
Ernest Hemingpaw chooses this moment to walk across Travis’s keyboard again.
TruthGuardian
///////////////////////////////////
SunshineGuy
Ernest Hemingpaw makes another excellent point.
TruthGuardian
He’s trying to remind me it’s his dinner time.
SunshineGuy
The fact that our cat has trained you to his schedule is hilarious.
TruthGuardian
He’s very persuasive. Also, routine is important for feline digestive health.
I finally abandon my end of the couch and crawl over to his side, laptop and all. He automatically adjusts to make room for me, his arm coming around my shoulders.
“You know,” I say aloud, breaking our weird tradition of sitting together but talking online, “maybe the celebrity in the story just recognized something real in someone making fun of his fake life.”
Travis looks down at me, and his expression softens in that way that still makes my heart skip. “Statistically improbable,” he says, but he presses a kiss to my temple.
“We’re statistically improbable,” I remind him.
“We’re a mathematical impossibility,” he corrects. “But somehow, the equation balanced anyway.”
I open my laptop back up and type.
SunshineGuy
I vote we verify the story. Love finds a way, even through viral videos and pretentious apartment tours.
TruthGuardian
Your optimism is showing.
SunshineGuy
Your cynicism is weakening. Last week, you verified the story about the couple who hated each other at work until a team-building escape room locked them in together for four hours and they emerged holding hands.
TruthGuardian
They provided CCTV footage. Time-stamped and everything.
SunshineGuy
You thought it was romantic! I saw your face!
TruthGuardian
I appreciated the thoroughness of their documentation.
SunshineGuy
You said, and I quote, “I guess sometimes rivalry can turn into something else.”
There’s a long pause where he doesn’t type anything. Then:
TruthGuardian
Fine. We can verify the celebrity story. But only because the user provided tracking metrics for the viral video.
SunshineGuy
And because you’re becoming a romantic. Admit it.
TruthGuardian
I admit nothing. Except that you’ve stolen my blue hoodie again.
I grin and snuggle deeper into both the hoodie and his embrace.
SunshineGuy
The defense rests.
TruthGuardian
That’s not how legal proceedings work.
I look up from my laptop. “I love you too.”
Travis’s eyes crease at the corners. “I love you. But the story is still improbable.”
“The best love stories always are,” I say as I close my laptop and kiss him properly.
Travis kisses me back in a way that suggests that any more moderation of other people’s love stories will have to wait.
Because we’ve got our own love story to enjoy right now.
A Note from Jax
Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed Travis and Devin’s story.