11. 열하나 ‘yeolhana’
What do I have to lose? Those words kept playing in my mind for the next couple of days.
As I stare at Mrs Josephine eating her daily slice of cake, I wonder what it’s like to grow old with somebody. I still remember my Nana glancing at her nightstand every night and wishing my grandpa’s photograph goodnight. And despite the lack of love my parents showed me, I could always tell how much they loved each other.
‘Do you want anything else?’ I ask her as I go by the tables to make sure everyone is enjoying their food.
‘I’m good, sweetie, thank you,’ she says, and I smile.
I stay still when, through the window, I catch Elijah walking outside. I stare at him and think about accepting his invitation.
‘Are you okay, sweetie?’ Mrs Josephine furrows her white eyebrows.
‘Yes, I’m sorry.’ I situate myself and notice I’ve been standing in front of her this whole time. ‘Actually,’ I say, before walking away. ‘If I may ask…Do you have any regrets?’
She smiles. ‘Many, my dear, but only for the things I didn’t do out of fear. Everything I did, I don’t regret because they all brought valuable lessons.’
I give her a small smile and nod in understanding. ‘Thank you.’
She’s right…What do I have to lose?
***
‘Lilah, settle this for us: a cupcake and a muffin are different, right? Elijah is saying a muffin is just a cupcake without frosting,’ Elisa asks as soon as I enter the living room.
I arrived home a few minutes ago and immediately heard their voices, but chose to go to my room first. I’m still preparing myself to talk with Elijah.
‘Oh…Yeah, they are different. It’s true that visually a muffin looks like a cupcake without frosting, but they have different recipes. Cupcakes are always sweet, while muffins can be savoury as well, since they’re more of a soft crumbly bread. Cupcakes are tiny cakes that always have frosting.’ My Nana taught me how to bake both, but it was only when I took a baking course—in order to receive a certificate to open my bakery—that I learned the difference between them.
‘See? Told you they were different.’ My flatmate pokes her tongue out at her opponent.
‘They are still both made for one thing, to eat.’ He rolls his eyes.
I look around and notice it’s just the two of them. Moonie is not here.
‘Where’s Moon Hee?’ I ask.
‘He’s still at the parlour. He had a special last client.’ Elijah speaks to me with ease, but I notice the subtle glances. I’m sure he’s waiting for my answer.
‘Oh, interesting…’ I wonder why the client was special.
‘I’ve told you, you can always go there if you ever want a tattoo.’
‘Are you offering me one?’ I lift my eyebrows with a sly smile.
‘No, but I’ll give you a discount if you really show up there.’
‘Will you be the one to tattoo me?’
‘I can’t wait to be the first one to have a taste of that blank canvas.’ He smirks, his eyes glued to mine.
Now is the time. I should talk to him now.
‘Aren’t you thirsty, Elisa?’ I turn my attention to her, giving her an eye sign to leave.
‘Yeah, I’m going to get us something to drink,’ she says, understanding my eye signal, and leaves for the kitchen.
Elijah is sitting across from me on the sofa, looking down at his phone.
I clear my throat. ‘I wanted to apologise for running out on you the last time we talked.’
He looks up at me and gives me a little smile. ‘It’s cool, really. Are you okay now?’
‘Yeah, I’m better. Thanks. I’ve been thinking and I want to take you up on that offer of us going out, if you still want, of course.’
‘I still want to. Are you sure you’re not going to run next time?’ He smirks, and I chuckle.
‘I’ll try not to.’
‘Great, I’ ll text you the details,’ he says as Elisa comes back with three glasses and a few drinks for us to choose on a tray.
I’m sure she was listening and waiting to come back.
‘We have water, orange juice, and wine. Pick your poison.’ Her head turns to the side, facing me, and she winks before placing everything on the little table between the sofa and the TV.
I sit down next to Elijah, and Elisa sits next to me.
Not too long after we turn on the screen in front of us, the doorbell rings.
I open the door for Moon Hee and notice wrapping plastic around his arm. Something clicks on my mind: he was the special client.
‘Did you just make that?’ I say, pointing at his arm.
He looks at where I’m pointing and smiles. ‘Yes, I’ve had this idea for quite some time, but hadn’t had the opportunity.’
‘So cool. Can’t wait to see when it’s healed.’ I don’t have time to catch everything under the wrapping, only an hourglass shape and some butterflies, but I’m sure it looks amazing.
‘Can I come in?’ he asks, staring at me. This whole time I’ve been blocking the door, amazed by the new ink on his arm.
I really want to have one of mine.
‘Oh…Yes, of course…I’m sorry,’ I say, embarrassed by my distraction.
‘It’s no problem.’ The corner of his mouth lifts slightly, and the way he purses his lips after tells me he’s containing himself from laughing.
He’s one of the few people that sees right through me but doesn’t make me feel vulnerable.
We join the others and relax watching a film. It’s been refreshing to come home after a day of work and be with friends.
Life can pass by you at the speed of light when you are working and become monotonous. This has me feeling my age again, a young adult. I still have three years in my twenties to enjoy and I should make them count. People expect a lot of others when they turn thirty—as if we are supposed to have a family, a house, and a successful job by then. We still have over fifty years to live after that, so I think society is too determined to turn us into full-grown adults too soon. We should enjoy our youth as much as we can, and with them, I know I will.
***
Elijah and I have texted a few times over the last two days. Getting to talk one on one without having to face him to loosen myself up will hopefully ease me into being alone with him in a room. I’ve been having a wonderful time talking with him. He’s funny.
On my way home from work, I pass by the post office and notice I have a new pen pal letter. I should be a better pen pal; Daldust always responds so fast while I take days. I know I’m not obligated to respond right away, but it makes me uneasy to make him wait too long.
I open the letter when I get to my room and smile at the first sentence.
“Dear Delilah,
I try my best to be a decent person, yes haha.
When I read your letters, I feel like we are on the same vibrational level. I don’t know why, but it seems like your personality might match mine. I guess we’ll have to keep talking to find out.
To answer your question, there isn’t anything about me I dislike. I know people say it’s normal to dislike things about yourself, but in my opinion, it shouldn’t be. It’s okay to want to improve. In fact, we should always improve but never dislike ourselves. That’s society’s bullshit to make money off our insecurities. We should embrace who we are. It’s not until then that we truly start loving ourselves and, in consequence, live the life that is meant for us.
Something that I like about myself is how much I don’t care about what others think of me. Others’ opinion on another is nothing but a reflection of their thoughts about themselves; it has nothing to do with the other person.
You said you like to read. What are you reading?
Daldust ”
Whenever I talk to Daldust, my confidence gets a boost for some reason. They bring out a side of me I haven’t had in a while. That mixed with what’s been happening with Elijah creates a wave of comfort inside me.
I write my answer right away so I don’t forget to respond and put it in my purse to send it tomorrow at my lunch hour as usual.
“I like the way you think. Lately I’ve been trying to care less about what others think, and what you said about others’ opinions reflecting their own insecurities and nothing to do with the other person really stuck with me. Thank you.
Regarding what I’m reading, I’m juggling between a few books. A romance, a guide to self-improvement, and a marketing one to help me stay up to date with my shop.
Do you like to read? If so, tell me what is on your To Be Read list.
You mention you liked travelling. I love that, but rarely do it…
I’ve only been to Scotland and Amsterdam. The one place I really want to visit recently is South Korea! I love the culture.
What countries have you visited?
Delilah”
The more I talk with them, the more curious I get. Getting to know Daldust has reignited my interest in learning different perspectives. The world itself intrigues me. That’s why I love my bakery; I can see so many people and learn about different ways of thinking a bit more every day.
Elijah and I have a dinner date tomorrow. Elisa wants to help me choose my outfit tonight so tomorrow I only have hair and makeup to do, which she will help me with as well. I still don’t understand how she manages the time. It amazes me how she seems to always be busy but free simultaneously.
After the last week and this one, I’m going to have so much to talk to Ms Julie about. I haven’t skipped a session in a year, but leave it to my parents to ruin that for me.
I haven’t spoken to them since that day, but I also think I won’t for a while.
I sit on my bed and grab the guide Ms Julie suggested I read—it’s a great guide, I’ll give her that. It has a lot of quotes I think of daily and the overall aesthetic is quite pretty. Simple yet pretty; the dark blue title of All the things I’ve never said before bleeds to the white background, surrounded by various types of low-saturated, blue-hued flowers.
I wake up with a loud thump on my door—I must have fallen asleep reading.
‘Lilah, are you there?’ my flatmate asks.
I groan, letting her know I am, and she comes in.
‘So…As you might know, my birthday is in a month and I hereby invite you to attend my party and free your weekend between the 26th and the 28th because we are going on a getaway trip.’
‘A getaway trip? Where? With whom?’ I get startled by the thought of too much social interaction.
‘To Guildford and probably with the guys, and maybe one or two more people. It depends.’
Hmm…Guildford, Surrey. My parents used to spend a lot of weekends there, but I haven’t been since I was six.
I grab my phone and search for images of the place.
‘It’s pretty,’ I say, scrolling.
‘It’s beautiful, and I rented a little cottage there. It’s going to be so much fun!’ Elisa softly claps her hands in excitement.
A weekend with them sure sounds interesting.
‘Okay.’ I nod and watch her smile grow, showing just how happy I made her with my answer.
A year ago I wouldn’t have accepted it, even her being my best friend. I knew it would be best if I stayed home rather than ruin her moment with my anxiety. Now, I’ve been doing better, and I have more faith in myself.
‘Awesome,’ she says, standing up. ‘Now let’s find you a dress for your date tomorrow.’
She rubs her hands together, making me laugh. ‘I don’t know who’s more eager, you or me.’
‘Well…this is a big thing, Lilah. It’s your first date in five years, bloody five years,’ my flatmate reminds me.
I sigh.
It is a big thing.