17. 열일곱 ‘yeolilgob’
‘So you two are okay?’ my flatmate asks as I cut more lemon slices for the tequila shots.
My eyes look back at the living room, where the two guys are talking to each other, and I smile.
‘We still have to speak, but I think so, yes.’
‘I mean, that kiss was definitely something else.’ She laughs, grabbing a plate to place the slices on.
There’s something about the blurry buzz of being intoxicated. Everything around slows down and you transcend your body; your bones vibrate to the beat of the music and it all feels so much deeper.
As deep as the eyes looking back at me; they’re big, round, and carry a raven’s colour. But the most enticing thing is the soul they carry.
I tilt my head and give a small smile, and he swiftly glances back at his friend, the one I was kissing just moments ago.
‘Do we have enough lemons?’ I ask, and my flatmate looks back at the fresh bag of lemons we bought.
‘I would say we have more than enough,’ she says.
‘Great!’ I grab two of them and direct myself towards the exit door.
‘Lilah?’ she blurts, watching me walk away from everyone.
‘Where are you going?’ Elijah asks.
My free hand grabs our doorknob and turns it. My body knows precisely where to go. It travelled there the last time it was in the same state.
Checking the time on my phone, I knock on the door down the hall.
‘Yes?’ a feminine voice sounds on the other side.
‘I’m here to give you your two lemons back. ’
After a few seconds, she opens the door, frowning at me.
‘A few weeks ago you gave me two lemons in exchange for me to help you take the rubbish out.’
‘I remember. I just wasn’t expecting you to return them,’ she says.
The corners of my lips instantly turn up as it’s the first time her smile appears.
‘And I was also wondering if you’d like to join us tonight. We’re having another hangout,’ I confess.
‘You sure like to have a good time.’ The woman with long brown locks chuckles.
‘It’s easy to have a good time when people who make you happy surround you.’ I glance over to my door where Elijah leans on the frame, watching us.
‘Sure, I’ll join you,’ my ears catch the woman saying before I glance back at her.
I smile, and after grabbing the key by her door, she closes it to follow me.
Approaching Elijah, he frowns at me while wrapping his arm around my waist.
I signal with my head to get in the flat and we all appear in the living room, two people staring between me and the stranger I brought in.
‘Guys, this is…’ I look over at our neighbour, whose name I haven’t asked.
‘Sofía.’ She completes my sentence.
‘Sofía,’ I repeat. ‘The neighbour that kindly lent us lemons the other night when we wanted tequila.’
Her hand waves and Elisa, as the amazing host she is, sits up to greet her.
‘I’m Elisa, or Lisa, as you prefer,’ she says, reaching her hand out for Sofía to shake. ‘This is Elijah and Moon Hee, and in case the person who invited you hasn’t introduced herself, she’s Lilah.’
‘Hi,’ Sofía says.
We all sit down and take a shot to loosen up the mood. Only drunk Delilah would invite a stranger to her house; sure, a stranger she had a good vibe with from the beginning, but nonetheless a stranger.
Sofía quickly matches our mood, and I can tell Elisa is interested by the way my best friend and neighbour talk to one another. Elisa’s subtle touches on Sofía’s arm and the way she leans in to speak, despite the music being low enough to hear each other well.
On the other side of the room Elijah and Moon Hee converse, so I join them.
‘Hey guys.’ I beam.
‘You’re so drunk right now,’ the man with black hair and tattoo sleeves laughs.
The other keeps quiet, avoiding my eye contact. Sober Delilah would keep her thoughts to herself, overthink every movement the other made, and question whether it was her fault or not, but I’m not sober right now.
‘Why are you so quiet?’ I ask Moon Hee, whose head lifts right up.
‘No reason,’ he says.
My eyes fix on him for a few seconds, hoping for a change in answer, but I decide to leave it here. Who am I to force anyone to open up, when even I have trouble doing so?
My head turns to the first man and I say, ‘I’m sorry.’
‘No, I’m sorry, I didn’t know how to approach you,’ he says, looking down at his hands.
‘And I’m sorry for being out of reach in the first place.’ I grab his tattooed hand in comfort, making his eyes meet mine.
When we smile at each other, I sense a weight being lifted off my shoulders.
I wish I had the same courage when chemicals aren’t being unbalanced in my brain.
The three of us walk back to the centre, to meet the ladies laughing. Laughter that lasts the entire night, laughter that rings in my head until the next day.
***
The warm arms wrapping around my torso pull me closer in my awakening.
‘Don’t you dare to get up,’ Elijah says from beside me.
I chuckle. ‘Fine, five more minutes. I need to pee after.’
The sensation of someone touching me would always send me spiralling, but his bare skin on mine makes me feel safe. I sigh and scoot closer to his chest.
The air hangs still, devoid of sound, leaving us in a state of uncertainty. Instead of trying to break the silence, we find solace in embracing one another, allowing a different kind of connection to flourish.
It’s strange to think that a month ago I avoided his eyes and now they lay on my bare body; that in this short time, more people have entered my life than in the last five years.
It took a long time, but Ms Julie was right. When you step out of your comfort zone, each step is less daunting as they start to flow. It only took one drunk evening for me to gather the courage to engage with these men, a mere twenty-four hours to begin opening up to someone new, and a handful of weeks to venture into the realm of dating once more, surprising me on every level. The last one is becoming more believable if I think the mutual desire had been simmering for longer.
My bubble expanded as what was once outside is now within and it will keep growing as I move forward, so the thought of going back to revisit the past threatens the slow and steady growth of the bubble. I’m afraid the memories will turn into a needle ready to pop all the progress I’ve made.
‘It’s been five minutes,’ I plead, using the power of my dimples.
With a grunt, Elijah releases his tight grip on me and unfolds his arms. I rise from the bed and proceed to put on the clothes I wore yesterday.
‘I wonder if it’s safe to go to my flat by now. I need to change clothes,’ I say, chuckling at my encounter yesterday when, after spending the night with Elijah, I opened my front door to two naked and playful women.
As I observed the happenings of our intimate Friday party, I couldn’t help but notice the captivating interactions between Elisa and Sofía. How their eyes interlocked in a mesmerising way, their smiles lighting up the room, and their gentle touches that spoke volumes. But what I didn’t see coming was Sofía spending the night, again and again.
‘We can check it out after breakfast.’ Elijah grins, knowing what I’m referring to.
I leave his bedroom and walk towards the loo next door, scanning my surroundings for his flatmate.
Moon Hee kept more to himself that night and barely spoke with us yesterday when the three of us interacted during meals or films. My mind can’t shake the feeling that I’m making him uncomfortable.
When we step out into the living-slash-dining room for breakfast, Elijah moves to sit down on the table as I stop hearing someone opening the flat’s door.
Moon Hee walks in and the world around me slows down as I watch the sweat drip from his neck down. His right arm flexes while he pushes backwards the hair out of his eyes. Tattoos I’d never seen pop under his wet white tank top. He’s always so covered up that I only see half of his arms, which now have one tattoo to show, but underneath all the fabric he’s more inked than I’d ever imagined. All his baggy clothes don’t do justice to the muscles he hides.
As his figure closes in on mine, it becomes harder to swallow, but I keep my eyes locked on him.
‘Hey,’ he says. The corners of his lips lift a little and the creaks under his eyes get deeper. Such simple features that I never cared for now seem so delicate.
‘Hey,’ I breathe, unsure if the sound left my vocal cords.
‘You went running?’ Another male voice sounds behind me, snapping me out of this trance.
I cough on air and turn to my side, avoiding both gazes. A gentle hand taps on my back, making me look its way, where Moon Hee’s wide eyes glare at mine.
‘I’m okay, I’m okay.’ I step away from him and wave my hand back, in hope he takes the hint.
A sudden burst of courage compels me to seek out my flatmate and her date, even if it means subjecting myself to another uncomfortable encounter, just to escape from this situation.
‘Yeah, I needed to clear my head,’ Moon Hee says, confusing me until I realise he’s perhaps answering Elijah’s earlier question.
‘Um…’ I say. ‘I’m going home. I need a shower and to change clothes.’
‘What about breakfast?’ Elijah lifts the plate of waffles he just unfroze.
‘I’m not really hungry.’ I grab my bag on the sofa on my way to the exit door.
As I prepare to leave, I steal a quick look at Moon Hee, who is standing directly in front of me, his gaze locked with mine. I don’t know what in the bloody hell just happened, but I’m the one who needs to clear my head now.
So I barricade myself inside my shower.
I close my eyes and let the warm water flow over my face, savouring the soothing sensation that spreads through my body. When life gets too hectic, I often overlook how relaxing a shower can be, how something so mundane becomes special when you’re enjoying the moment.
‘It was just Moonie,’ I think to myself as the water hits my shoulders.
It was just Moonie.
To entertain my mind away from strange thoughts, I sit down at my desk to write a letter to Daldust. Tomorrow is Monday, so I can finally respond to him.
“Fine, I won’t greet you, but don’t call me Sweet Delilah. The only person who has ever called me that was my grandma, so it’s strange to hear it from someone else, not to mention that’s my bakery’s name. It almost sounds like you are directing your letter to it haha.
I prefer Dear Delilah, as if you are writing on a page of your diary. I would like to be that, your diary; a safe place you go to talk about anything that goes on in your mind.
You said you haven’t had a serious relationship. Why is that? You seem like a pretty deep person. Or are you waiting for the one?
I do want to believe we have someone meant for us, but sometimes all love feels fake. Even my parents’ love feels fake sometimes. The only true love I see around is this cute old couple that visits my shop; I want what they have.
And thanks, I’ll try to make more of my happiness. My therapist says that true happiness comes from within; if we keep searching for it in someone or something we will never get it, because we are the only ones who belong to us. Everything else can disappear and if we place our happiness on them when they go, so it goes.
I’m working on finding happiness within. I hope you are too.
Also, my best friend is having a getaway trip for her birthday soon, so I might be slower to respond next as well.
Delilah”
There’s still a couple of weeks until Elisa’s birthday weekend but I know the bakery will get my hands full. I’m working on new recipes I want to have for the winter. Soon I’ll have Christmas-themed baked goods filling my shelves, and those need to be prepared to perfection.
The house was silent when I walked in, but I saw light coming under my flatmate’s bedroom door. She’s working or entertained, I’m sure; Elisa has never been one to stick to schedules .
I remember when in university, deadlines were her downfall. In group projects she always dictated the work each had to do, because she despised getting something she was unmotivated to perform. But when the time to focus arrives, she’s a hurricane and won’t stop spinning until the work is done.
By dinner time I’d heard the lavatory door once letting me know she’d walked out of her room, but remained inside as I got ready to walk out to meet our front-door neighbours.
The moment I ring the bell, I’m welcomed by those enchanting, dark, and round eyes that begin to leave me breathless.
Stop it, Lilah! He is your friend!
‘Hi,’ Moon Hee says, stepping to the side for me to walk inside his house.
Fortunately, he’s returned to wearing his black oversized shirts, but the memory of him before still lingers in my mind.
‘Hey.’ I avert my eyes, scanning around for his friend, the one I should be having images in my head about.
‘He’s not here.’
I nod and walk to sit down on the sofa. The man beside me is the only one who has never left me speechless. My anxiety has never struck in his presence, but somehow today the words cannot form.
I can feel him looking at me, waiting to give him a clue. He adjusts himself next to me before speaking. ‘What’s on your mind?’
‘Do you believe people can fall out of love?’ I lift my gaze to his.
‘Yes, of course. Why?’ I watch as his eyebrows frown together.
‘I was just thinking about something an ex said. He said that you either love forever or you’ve never loved at all.’
‘If feelings were that black and white, the world would be a lot simpler, but people evolve. They are constantly changing and so are our emotions.’ His face relaxes as he sighs. ‘If feelings had a colour, it would be grey—messy and blurred. People’s tastes change all the time, so why wouldn’t feelings change? It won’t be from day to night, but slowly they change if nothing stops them from moving. That’s why we should never take anything or anyone for granted.’ He holds my hands between his.
We’re startled by the loud noise of a door closing. Moon Hee looks back as I watch Elijah approach us with pursed lips and a clenched jaw.
‘Can we talk?’ Elijah asks Moonie, who nods, following the first man towards his room. The man who did not even say a word to me. The man I don’t remember ever seeing him this serious.