32. 서른둘 ‘seoreundul’
I’m still appalled by what Elisa told me about my mother. Never in my life had she given me a reason to believe she cared. Not when I had school presentations or events and Nana was the only one to show up. Not even at my high school or university graduations.
Not on all the birthdays she’d sent me a gift through one of our maids because she’d gone on a business trip with The Elite. Not even when my grandmother died…
So, why? Why does she ask my flatmate if I’m okay? And not once dare to come up to me and question it to my face?
I don’t understand.
London’s weather matches my mood today. Cloudy with a high expectation of rain.
The small drizzle I caught on the way to the bakery warned me to not put out my outside tables. And as I prepare the ones inside, placing a few alive flowers in the centre, I ponder if I should call her.
‘Lilah?’ I hear in between my thoughts. I sigh, not connecting the dots that someone had called me until I look up to a warm smile.
‘Moonie, hi. I’m sorry I didn’t notice you coming in.’
‘Is everything okay?’ he asks, eyebrows closing in on each other.
‘Lost in my thoughts, that’s all.’ I give him a small smile and grab the cleaning spray and cloth, walking behind the counter.
‘It’s been a while…’
My eyes rise to his, momentarily forgetting all that troubles me. He has a power over me I haven’t been able to understand.
‘I’m sorry, I have been all over the place lately,’ I say.
‘Has the issue with your ex made you get panic attacks again?’ My eyes glance down at his hands laying on the counter, so inviting.
My hands lie on top of his and I meet his eyes once more. ‘As strange as it might sound, no. I haven’t had them in a long time. It’s almost as if my body has finally managed to relax after all this time. No matter how stressed or worried I might be, it all seems to vanish with a thought.’
‘A thought?’
I smile but say nothing. I have not yet gathered the courage to say: you.
‘I actually came here to ask you something…’ he says. ‘I wanted to invite you. On a date.’
‘A date?’ My eyes widen at the words, and butterflies run through me. My body lightens so much I feel like I’m levitating.
‘I want to spend time with you. Just us. We don’t have enough of that.’
‘That’s true.’ I look down, biting my lower lip. We’re almost always surrounded by our friends. The only day we had alone was a week ago and after he left, I already wanted to have another. ‘So, what do you have in mind?’
‘Not to sound too cliché, but I was thinking of a film and then a walk under the moonlight?’
‘Sounds perfect,’ I say, trying to play cool. ‘What will we watch?’
‘I want you to choose the film. I’m fine with whatever you want.’ Both his hands turn palms up and hold mine.
‘Oh, I don’t know…’ I mumble, my heart racing. Every date I’ve been on, I never had a choice in the planning. I’ve grown to enjoy a multitude of genres and things because of it. ‘I think it would be easier to choose something you like, because I’m sure I’ll enjoy it too, than to choose something I want and risk you not liking it.’
‘Delilah, my dear lilac, I don’t mind what you choose, because the whole point is not for me to watch the film, but for me to watch you enjoy it.’
No one has ever cared if I enjoyed it or not. It was always about them enjoying it. And I was happy seeing them happy.
Someone saying they are the ones who want to see me happy is so foreign.
He releases one of his hands from mine and lifts it to my chin, bringing my gaze up to his. ‘See what’s in the lineup and then tell me the time.’
I nod and he retreats outside.
I seem like a teenager again with a stupid grin I cannot subside. I grab my phone to check what’s playing tonight in the theatre, but when my face sees the screen, I get the impulse to text my mum.
*Can we meet this week?*
I proceed with my search, keeping his words in mind to find something I’d want to watch instead of looking for something I think he would enjoy.
Until closing time, my mind crosses multiple subjects, including the difference between when Elijah asked me on a date versus Moon Hee. I was a wreck back then, but it’s so weird that not an ounce of anxiety travelled through my body now. No matter the progress I’ve made, I’m sure if it were someone else, I would have reacted differently.
Before entering my flat, I glance at the door behind me and smile.
‘You look happy,’ my flatmate says when I walk by the living room towards my room.
‘I am happy.’
‘Any reason in particular?’ She grabs a handful of popcorn, switching her eyes between me and the TV.
‘Moon Hee invited me on a date.’
Her head turns to me in a flash, eyes wide and mouth full. She reaches for the remote and pauses her show, coughing a bit from the speed chewing. ‘He what?’
‘Yeah…’ The blood rises in my cheeks and the more I think about it, the more emotions flow over me.
Tears flood my waterline, but I don’t want to cry. ‘I don’t know why I’m so emotional,’ I say, wiping my eyes.
‘He fucking finally did it…’ Her tone is low as she looks down before meeting my eyes with a grin. ‘He fucking finally did it!’
My friend gets up from the sofa and reaches her arms around me.
‘Is it weird that I’m so happy I want to cry?’ I ask.
‘No, it’s not. I’ve noticed your energy and girl, I fucking want to scream that this is finally happening. After I saw you so close on New Year’s Eve, I really thought that something would happen then…but you guys are fucking slow!’
I laugh. ‘We haven’t even said how we feel about each other.’
‘You don’t need to. Your eyes are shouting it every time you look at each other.’
A sudden thought of another friend of ours drops my smile. ‘But I still feel bad about Elijah.’
‘Lilah, today is not the day to think about Elijah. I know you are a sweetheart who wants everyone to be happy, but trust me, Elijah will be fine. And he’ll be happy seeing you happy.’ Her words soften my heart. ‘I saw you smiling when you were having the best time with him, but I’ve never seen you glow like when you are with Moon Hee.’
‘He does bring out the best in me…’ I tight my lips, smiling.
‘And you bring out the best in him.’
‘Okay, but now…What am I going to wear?’
‘I know exactly what,’ Elisa says, leaving towards her room.
I follow her but stop by the door, peeking at what she’s looking for. A few minutes later and with a few undone drawers, she takes out the perfect dress for me.
‘It’s stunning,’ I say, feeling the soft silk fabric in my hands.
‘I’ve had it for years, but never wore it. The colour doesn’t suit me at all. But you’re my opposite on the colour wheel, and I think you’ll look great in it.’
‘Elisa…It’s absolutely perfect.’ I place it in front of me and check her full-body mirror.
The long, thin, and flowy sleeves give the dress a romantic feeling I only get from fairytales. Its baby blue shade reminds me of a colour only found in aesthetic boards on Pinterest. The lower hem stops above the halfway mark on my thighs, giving me an illusion of longer legs.
‘Go try it on!’
I speed to my room and change clothes. It fits like a glove, which is strange because of how different my body and Elisa’s are.
Walking out of the room, I watch my best friend’s eyes lit up. ‘Lilah! Please don’t ever take that off again.’
I chuckle, but don’t resist asking, ‘The dress wasn’t just sitting in your room because it didn’t match your tones, wasn’t it?’
She sighs, looking down. ‘You caught me…I bought it for you a few years ago, but never found the right time to give it to you until now.’
‘Thank you,’ I say.
I take a quick shower and get ready, texting Moonie when I’m finished.
Moments later, the doorbell sounds through the house and my flatmate gives me two thumbs up, whispering, ‘You got this.’
The grin that hasn’t left my face the whole day grows when I open the door and find a bouquet of white lilies and purple lilacs being held by two hands.
From behind the bouquet, a head peeks to the side with a gentle smile. ‘Hi.’
‘Moonie…You shouldn’t have…’
‘If I want to make this night unforgettable, I had to,’ he says, handing me the giant amount of flowers. ‘And wow,’ he says, his eyes travelling down on me. ‘You’re pretty unforgettable too.’
I think there was no point in putting on blush because I have a feeling my cheeks will flush all night long.
‘You look pretty good too.’ He’s dressed in a similar outfit from New Year’s, but this time instead of suit pants he has black jeans, giving it a more casual look.
I enter the kitchen to put the flowers in water and Elisa gives me a look with raised eyebrows. I know she’ll want me to spill the entire night when I arrive home.
‘Let’s go,’ I tell the man whose eyes don’t stray from me.
‘I have a little confession to make…’ he says when we arrive in front of the theatre.
I glance up at him and he wets the lips I couldn’t stop thinking about a few nights ago, before speaking again. ‘I rented the whole film session for us. Just to make sure no one else would be there.’
My jaw drops. ‘You weren’t kidding when you said you wanted it to be just the two of us.’
‘I’ve been waiting for this night for way too long to not have it be perfect.’
‘Oh yeah? How long?’
‘More than you think,’ he whispers in my ear, warming my whole body with his breath.
His face finds itself a third of an inch from mine again, his breath brushing on my lips.
‘Moonie…’ I mumble.
‘Yes, Delilah?’ I can almost taste the scent of mint coming from his mouth.
I swallow hard, getting ready for this to be the moment our mouths finally touch, when the corner of his mouth lifts.
‘Don’t get any ideas just yet. The night is still young. ’
I gasp, unsure if the coarse tone of his voice was the reason for the breath caught in my throat or the fact that he insinuated that something will happen tonight.
He stands up straight and walks into the theatre, and I follow.
We sit in the dark, empty room. The perfect mood light surrounds us as ads play on the big screen.
‘I’m not sure how you feel about rom-coms, but I’ve wanted to see this one since it came out.’
‘I love rom-coms,’ he says, a soft smile on his face.
My hand brushes the side of his hand when I place it on the armrest and as I’m about to take it, afraid to make him uncomfortable, he grabs it.
Without words, or a slight glance in my direction, Moon Hee holds my hand tightly as he watches the trailer for an upcoming film and I feel the butterflies levitating me again.
There we stay, getting closer as the film plays. With each laugh, either I move towards him or he moves to me. By the end, my head rests on his shoulder as we watch the two protagonists kissing and declaring their love for each other.
‘That was funny,’ he says when the lights turn back on.
Neither of us move, his hand still holding mine and my head resting under his.
‘Moonie?’ I say, lighter than a feather.
‘I’ll never get tired of hearing you call me that,’ he says. ‘What is it, Delilah?’
‘I…’ My mind is having trouble coming up with the words my heart feels.
‘I know.’
‘But how do you know?’ My head leaves his shoulder and stares at him.
‘I just do.’
‘You’re still such a mystery to me,’ I say.
‘Which is funny because I’m the one who’s been wearing his heart on his sleeve the most.’
I never noticed it, but from what I’ve been told and if I objectively look back, what he says makes sense. He’s been quiet, letting me live my life and make my own decisions. Waiting for the day I noticed him, the day he’d become the one in my eyes. He’s never hid his feelings towards me, he’s just didn’t shout them, allowing only the ones who would truly look at him to see .
‘Let’s go for the walk?’ I get up from the seat.
‘Yes, let me just go to the loo quickly.’
I nod and he leaves the room.
I grab my things and take my phone out of silent mode, noticing a text on the screen. My mum replied.
*I’m free Wednesday.*
That’s in two days…Will I still have the courage to face her then?
I’m waiting for my date by the door, outside of the theatre, when I make up my mind to go through with it.
*Meet me at the bakery at 7 p.m.*
‘We can go now,’ Moon Hee says, behind me.
I try to shake the thoughts of Wednesday for now and focus on the moment.
‘So, do you have anything else special prepared?’ I ask.
‘You know I do.’
I smile, excited to see where the night leads us.
We’re walking along the street between the film theatre and the park near our shops when I spot fairy lights drawing a path.
I glance at Moon Hee, and he smiles, so I keep walking. In front, the fairy lights move up to two trees, a blanket and basket between them.
‘A picnic?’ I ask.
‘I thought you might be hungry after the film.’
I run to the trees and sit on the fuzzy cream blanket. I’m glad it’s not a windy night.
I watch as he approaches me and sits by my side, opening the basket. Inside there’s a bottle of soju and two shot glasses, as well as two sandwiches wrapped in foil and some plastic containers.
He takes everything out and I check the containers. Chocolate-covered strawberries fill one, homemade tteokbokki fills the other.
‘You never got to eat your tteokbokki that night, and homemade is always better than store bought. Besides, it goes so well with soju .’
‘Strawberries for dessert, I’m assuming?’
‘Something sweet for a sweet someone.’
My eyes close as my mouth opens wide, laughing. ‘You’re really going at it tonight.’
He laughs with me. ‘I’m going to pamper you so much you’ll be feeling the void of it for the rest of the week.’
With the biggest grin, I grab the sandwich and take a bite.
‘Hmm…delicious,’ I say.
We stare at the sky as we eat, and each take a shot to warm us on this cold night.
‘I haven’t been completely honest with you,’ Moon Hee says to the sky. I frown, looking at him, but his eyes stay on the moon. ‘Don’t worry, it’s not something bad, but the reason you think I’m so mysterious is because I have a secret. One I want to tell you, but not now.’
‘A secret?’
‘Can you trust me and wait a little longer? I promise I’ll tell you soon.’
I’m unsure of what to think. He’s never given me a reason not to trust him, but I wonder what the secret is.
‘Can we just enjoy tonight?’ he asks.
‘Why did you tell me this now when you could have hidden it for longer?’ I ask.
‘Because there’s something I want to do, and I want you to know where I stand.’ His eyes meet mine, dark as all the times I’ve seen a spark of desire in him before. ‘Do you trust me?’
‘Yes, I trust you.’
‘Good,’ Moon Hee says before turning to the side. His hand slides to the side of my face and he comes closer, eyes fixed on my lips. This time, he doesn’t stop. His lips meet mine; an infusion of alcohol, spice and sweet slides in my mouth, completing me.
My eyes close, intensifying my sense of touch. The way his soft lips push against mine, the way his tongue teases me. How one of his hands travels down my back while the other holds the back of my head. His body leans in on mine, leading me to lie on the blanket.
He holds himself on top of me, never breaking our kiss. If I didn’t know it was a winter night, I would say we were in summer from how hot my body feels right now. My heart beats faster as our kiss gets more passionate, my hands on his back as one of his traces my silhouette.
Loud thumps sound in the distance, and he releases my lips, looking toward the sound. I glance with him and watch as multi-coloured fireworks fill the sky next to us.
My eyes quickly travel to his as if asking, ‘Did you do that?’
He lowers his head back down, nearing mine, and whispers in the shell of my ear, ‘I told you I wanted to make this night unforgettable.’
Bloody goosebumps rise all over my body. Nobody has ever seemed as hot to me as he does right now.
He joins his lips to mine again, both of us kissing as if the other was our source of air. Reaching for every breath we never knew we were missing.
***
I can still feel his lips on mine as I walk into my bedroom. My finger traces the skin he kissed only a few moments ago as we stood in the hallway, not wanting to let go of each other. And the way he said, ‘Goodnight, Delilah,’ with the most perfect expression of this is not over and I can’t wait to get my hands on you again , will make me have dreams I don’t think I’ll be able to repeat out loud.
I jump on my bed, kicking my feet in the air as I cover my face with the pillow to avoid making loud giggling sounds that would wake up Elisa.
Once I calm down, I remember I still have a letter from Daldust I didn’t get to read from when I picked it up today at lunch hour. I grab the envelope with a full heart.
“Dear Delilah,
I think it’s time for us to meet.
I know where your bakery is. I pass there almost daily. Please don’t think I’m a creep. It’s on my way to work. I didn’t tell you because I wasn’t ready for you to know who I am, but now I’m ready.
I’ll pass by again on Friday. I’ll show you who I am and what my name is. Wait for a guy in a red shirt.
For now, here’s a hint: Dal means Moon in Korean, so my nickname is in reality Moondust.
I love the moon.
Yours truly,
Daldust”
This Friday?
I lay my back on the mattress, eyes wide open. I’m meeting Daldust this Friday?