Chapter Thirteen
GREER STRETCHED LANGUIDLY, feeling the heavy silk of her robe slide across bare skin. She shot a glance towards Conall, munching on chilli ginger prawns. Instantly, as if sensing her regard, he turned his head, gaze meshing with hers so that slow-coiling heat stirred anew in her stomach.
He was bare-chested and she watched the play of his muscles as he ate. Just the sight of him beside her at the small table was sensual, arousing.
They sat in a pool of light. Beyond them, the open doors to the terrace let in the balmy, humid night air and a view of city lights. It was well past midnight but neither had eaten at the party and they’d woken hungry.
She could get used to a private chef preparing five star gourmet feasts on call.
But it wasn’t the food or the luxury service on her mind. It was Conall. Tonight he’d revealed a history that made her ache for the grieving child he’d been, taken from a loving home into a place where no child belonged. She sensed he’d held back a lot more than he’d revealed in order to spare her.
His story had made her upset and protective. She’d dearly love to tell Fraser Abercrombie and the world some home truths about his unfitness to be around children. He didn’t deserve a family.
‘You look very fierce, sweetheart. What’s wrong? If it’s Jason, don’t worry. I’ll make sure you never have to deal with him again.’
There it was again, his protectiveness. How was it Conall had grown into a caring, decent man so unlike his loathsome brother? They’d both suffered the same sort of upbringing. Such a childhood must have affected them both.
An idea lodged in her brain. The more she pondered the more she wondered if it could be true. Could his difficult upbringing have made him averse to having a family of his own?
‘Why didn’t you want our baby, Conall?’
Finally the words were out. The ones she hadn’t dared say before, when she’d decided she’d rather have Conall as a husband than not at all.
It had been wrong accepting his proposal, knowing he didn’t want a child.
But she’d been selfish and needy. Now she understood they had no real future without honesty.
She had to understand what made him tick.
He stiffened, shunting back from the table.
‘I did want our baby!’ His voice throbbed with feeling and she saw a pulse pound at his temple.
‘Getting your message that you’d miscarried, then coming home to find you gone…
’ He ploughed his hand back through his unruly hair.
‘It was the darkest time of my life. I’ll never forgive myself for leaving that day. ’
Greer felt her eyes widen. He’d told her he was sorry about the baby, but in such terms she’d assumed he felt sorry for her, not his own loss. This was so much more. ‘You weren’t to know I’d miscarry. I didn’t know.’
‘But you needed me.’
‘I wish you’d been there, Conall. But neither of us were to blame.’ It had taken her long enough to accept that.
She wrapped her arms around her middle and said carefully, ‘You really wanted our child?’
He sat rigid, chin up. ‘You think I’d lie? About that?’
She’d never known him to be dishonest. Which meant he had wanted their child. Yet that made no sense.
‘But you didn’t always feel that way. Not in the beginning.’
Something shifted in his face. His posture changed and his mouth flattened. For the briefest moment he looked away then immediately back to her. ‘You knew that?’ Regret laced his words, and surprise. ‘I never said it.’
‘You didn’t need to. It was in what you didn’t say.’
There’d been no joy, nothing but practical if kind support. Did she want to keep the child? Really, was she sure? Did she feel well?
‘You did all the right things. Made sure I looked after myself and got good advice. You didn’t shirk in supporting me.’ He’d even come to her first scan. ‘But there was no excitement. You did what needed to be done.’
He might have bought a stunning engagement ring but there’d been no romance about his proposal, just a recitation of the reasons it made sense to marry since they had a baby on the way.
Slowly he spoke, his expression sombre. ‘You’re right. I didn’t want the baby at first.’
Greer found herself pressing one palm to her abdomen, as if protecting the baby she no longer carried. It was what she’d already known, yet it pained her to hear.
Conall’s stare flicked to the gesture then to her face, his own tightening. ‘I’m sorry that hurt you, but you wanted the truth. As for why…’ He paused. ‘At the time I couldn’t have told you. At first it was simply the shock of a life-changing event, something we hadn’t planned for.’
Silly as it was, Greer took heart from the fact he said we not I.
‘But you’re right, there’s more. It wasn’t something I’d given any thought to. All my focus has been on building my business, first because it was expected, later because I wanted to create something independent of my father. Different to the way he worked.’
He lifted one shoulder. ‘I have few memories of life before the Abercrombies and no treasured recollections of my time with them. No fun with siblings, just competition and cruel games. For years the idea of family turned my stomach.’
Greer covered his hand with hers. How had she not at least guessed? But while they’d communicated so well over other things, neither had revealed much of their past.
‘That sounds horrendous.’
As an only child she’d thought it would be fun to have brothers and sisters. At least her mother had loved her and done her best for her. They’d been a team.
Conall’s other hand clamped hers as he leaned close. She took comfort in his warm touch and steady gaze.
‘I suppose my upbringing made me stronger, more self-reliant. But the idea of having a family scared me. It brought back things I’d rather forget.
Yet as time went on, as I experienced our baby through your excitement and your eyes, things changed.
I began thinking about the future, how we could build something different to what my father created. ’
‘To show you could do it better?’
‘No!’ His dark eyes glittered with shock. ‘No, for us and our child. I found myself wondering what sort of father I’d make and hoping I’d do a reasonable job.’
Greer’s heart ached. For what he’d missed out on with his family and what he’d suffered. For the fact he doubted himself as a result. Then there was his pain over the baby they’d lost. It shamed her that she’d had no inkling he cared so much. How blinkered she’d been.
‘You’d have done a fantastic job, Conall.’ Her voice was soft with the depth of her feelings. ‘Whenever you set your mind to something, you succeed. If it’s important to you—’
‘It was. No matter how I felt in the beginning, I cared about our baby. I began to wonder what he or she would be like, and imagine us all together. Why do you think I sold the penthouse and bought the house? You’d said you wished you’d had a big yard to play in when you were young. I wanted that for our child.’
Greer’s heart somersaulted. She remembered them strolling in the botanic gardens months ago. She’d mentioned how much she enjoyed the wide green space, saying she’d have loved a house with a yard when she was little.
‘I’m sorry, Greer. All this time you thought I didn’t want our baby. I thought, hoped, you hadn’t realised how I felt in the beginning. We were both shocked by the news, weren’t we?’
She nodded. ‘I didn’t feel maternal to start with. I couldn’t believe I was pregnant. I’m so used to planning everything and the baby wasn’t on my schedule.’ She shook her head. ‘But once the news settled, I knew I wanted it. My mum and I were close. I wanted that with our baby.’
She’d wanted more, including a husband who loved her, but she’d take this one step at a time.
Conall’s voice deepened, brushing like suede over sensitive skin. ‘I wish I’d made my feelings clear earlier, sweetheart. Maybe then you wouldn’t have felt you needed to deal with your grief alone.’
‘I’m sorry, Conall. I was so wrapped up in how I felt and sure you saw our baby as an obligation, I wanted to hide away.
It must’ve made it harder, me leaving like that.
’ She tried to imagine his feelings, arriving back from the US, upset about the baby, only to find her gone.
‘I was selfish. It’s no excuse to say I didn’t realise how much. ’
‘Don’t talk that way.’ He wrapped his arm around her, drawing her close. ‘You didn’t know. You were hurting.’
‘We were both hurting, but I acted like it was my prerogative alone.’
A warm hand captured her chin, turning it up to meet his black gaze. It glittered, as if sparks of fire lit it from within.
‘Stop that. We both made mistakes. I should have been open about what I felt.’ His smile looked close to a grimace.
‘That’s something I’ve never learned to do.
My whole training was in suppressing emotions.
That’s why I held back from talking about this, instead of forcing the issue.
I’m not comfortable talking about what I feel. I was trained to see that as weakness.’
He looked into her eyes. ‘Let me say it now. Our child was a wonderful gift. I didn’t appreciate that at first but I came to. And if I’d been in any doubt, losing the baby made me realise exactly how much I wanted it.’
‘Oh, Conall.’ She cupped his jaw with her hand, wanting to ease the raw pain she read in his face.
‘When you came back to Sydney from the mountains you didn’t want to discuss the miscarriage. I respected that but I was relieved too. The last thing I wanted was to talk about feelings. In case you said you wanted to leave me.’
‘Conall!’ She goggled at him. He cared that much? Her pulse galloped as she grappled with his revelation.
‘When you had the accident, I had to keep my feelings to myself until you remembered, or until it became clear you weren’t going to remember and I’d have to tell you.
You were vulnerable. I didn’t dare admit what had happened.
I’ve wanted so long to be up-front with you.
But the only way we seemed to communicate easily was in business or in bed. ’
The truth of his words hit home. How often had she pushed him away when he wanted to talk about the baby?
Greer rose abruptly and instantly Conall followed suit. ‘What is it?’
‘Hold me, please?’
A crooked smile curved his mouth and she felt it tug at her very being. ‘Gladly.’
But instead of simply wrapping his arms around her, he scooped her up and carried her to a nearby sofa, sitting down with her cradled in his lap. His warmth surrounded her, both his strong body and his air of certainty that she found so reassuring. Greer put her arms around him and snuggled close.
‘I wasn’t sure I wanted children,’ she admitted.
‘I loved my mother dearly but the little I know about her relationship with my father was negative. We moved from town to town, even crossed the country to avoid him. Because of that, we didn’t have long-term friends.
We were on the move too often to put down roots and struggled financially.
But I learnt the value of hard work and education.
I put my career first. That was my idea of security. ’
With her head against him, she felt Conall’s voice vibrate through his chest. ‘I can relate. That was me too.’
Greer wondered if that was one of the things that initially drew them together.
‘But when I got pregnant, my priorities shifted. Partly it was the chance to have the sort of relationship my mother and I shared. Maybe it was the realisation I was growing a new life inside me, our child. I wish I had words to describe how that felt.’ She pressed closer and was gratified when his hold tightened.
‘My career was still important but it no longer seemed vital. Not like the baby.’
‘No. Not like our baby.’ His deep voice burred across her skin and burrowed inside. He shifted his grip, holding her away from him a little so he could meet her eyes. ‘Would it upset you to tell me about that day?’
Greer felt something in her chest collapse, pain welling. But this hurt was for Conall. Because she’d shut him out. She hadn’t thought he’d want the details of the day she miscarried. Now, to her shame, she saw how wrong she was.
They held each other as she told him everything. She clung tight when his breaths grew uneven, offering him comfort as much as he gave it to her.
Afterwards he told her that the day he returned from the US was the day the legalities had been completed on the harbourside house. He’d been eager to get the trip out of the way so he could surprise her with their new home. How excited he was about the baby. The plans he’d had.
As they talked about their child, Greer found a surprising peace.
When, exhausted, they eventually returned to bed, it was knowing they had meetings in just a few hours.
Yet Greer didn’t fall asleep quickly. She lay spooned against her husband, his breath stirring her hair and his arm around her waist. She revelled in the new intimacy they’d discovered, the way it drew them closer rather than pushing them apart. As sleep drifted closer, she found herself smiling.
They’d taken an important step, talking about their loss, about feelings. That was a first. For a long time they’d shared passion and work, good times and challenges, but never their deepest emotions.
She clung to the idea that maybe, after all, there was hope for their marriage.