CHAPTER NINE
CHAPTER NINE
M A TEO VAULTED UPRIGHT as soon as Alice was through the door. She looked surprised to see him, even though he’d warned her that he’d be waiting for her in her apartment.
‘You’re here,’ she said, walking through and dumping her bag on the table, along with a sack of unopened presents wrapped in brightly coloured paper.
‘I told you I would be.’
‘Mateo, I’m honestly not in the mood to talk.’
‘Was it a good leaving do?’
‘The best.’ She sighed. ‘You shouldn’t have waited up for me, Mateo. I’m dead on my feet.’
Mateo watched her as she struggled out of her lightweight coat and kicked off her shoes.
He looked at her stomach and gritted his teeth in frustration at the sudden disarray of their carefully formed plan. He knew that he should back off but he’d hated to do it. He didn’t want to stress her out but he was breaking up inside.
‘I expected you back a little earlier than...’ he made a show of consulting his watch ‘...nearly twelve-thirty.’
‘You’re not my gatekeeper, Mateo—plus twelve-thirty is hardly the early hours of the morning. We were all having fun; we started playing games at eleven, and it was so riotous that the time just flew past.’
She was still in a mood and that cut him to the quick. He didn’t understand. Where did they go from here? How long was she going to be in a mood? Was it hormone-driven—understandable nerves as the due date galloped towards them? Or cold feet before a wedding she hadn’t wanted in the first place? It didn’t pay to forget that she had already been engaged once and had broken off that engagement... He wasn’t the only one with a back story.
Suddenly, the conversation staring him in the face felt bigger than before. He’d barely asked her about that broken engagement. She had mentioned it in passing the very first time they had met, and had vaguely brushed it off as the reason she had fled her friends and taken to dangerous slopes in that fast-gathering blizzard that had thrown them together.
Now it felt imperative that he find out what happened there. Could history be about to repeat itself? Mateo suddenly felt sick with panic.
The baby; this was all about the baby and the fact that he wanted what was best for their child, wasn’t it? This was his highly developed sense of responsibility kicking in and he would have it no other way. He was sure of that.
Sudden uncertainty drove him towards her. He moved to reach out, felt her stiffen for a few seconds and then the predictable melting of her body as it reacted to his.
‘Remember you told me that you wanted me...?’
Alice buried her head into his chest. He hadn’t changed. He kept a stash of clothes at the apartment, as she did at his, but he was still in the trousers he had showed up in and his white shirt, which was rolled to the cuffs, although the hand-made Italian shoes were off and he was barefoot. It was a breathtakingly sexy combination at nearly one in the morning, she couldn’t help but think.
She felt her belly pushing against him and felt her clothes a barrier between them although, as her body surged into shameful life, it was a barrier she didn’t think was going to be there for much longer. Jeez, was it always going to be like this—one touch and all self-control down the drain?
She moaned softly as he slid his hand along her back; there was no zip. The dress was softly stretchy and very easy for him to ease up, scraping it against her thighs and then over her stomach until he could flip it over her head with a bit of help from her eager, scrabbling hands.
He stood back and looked at her. The lighting was subdued. He’d been lounging in semi-darkness while he’d waited for her.
‘Take the bra off,’ he commanded shakily, and Alice was only too happy to oblige, reaching round to unhook it and then sighing as she was freed of the constraint. She’d always been generously endowed, and her breasts had gone up a size since the pregnancy.
‘God, you’re beautiful,’ Mateo said in a strangled voice and he moved to her, gently guiding her to the sofa as though actually reaching the bedroom hadn’t even been a consideration.
Alice subsided onto the sofa, which was huge and very comfortable. ‘The bed would be a whole lot more comfortable,’ she murmured.
‘Ah, but starters can be served here, my darling...’
Alice smiled. She knew his touches so well and yet every time they made love it felt new, wonderful and special.
He knelt at the side of the sofa and she twisted so that she was lying on her side, making it easy for him to nibble at her breast, and then separate them with his hand to suckle gently on her nipple, which had darkened and grown, and was so sensitive that the slightest lick was enough very nearly to take her over the edge.
He knew that and continued to torment her with his tongue, which flicked darts of exquisite sensation through her. His hand on her belly was tender and gentle, as were his lips, and then, moving between her legs, the idle flick of his tongue slipped into her wetness and drove her insane.
He knew how to make her forget everything but the moment, and Alice barely realised when they left the sofa and made it into the bedroom. She was so conscious of the weight she’d gained, maybe because she hadn’t been a slip of a thing in the first place, but Mateo was still strong enough to sweep her off her feet and carry her through to the bedroom as though she weighed nothing.
The love-making was slow and gentle. He touched her as though she were as delicate as a piece of porcelain, despite her constantly telling him that she was actually as strong as an ox. Deep down, she couldn’t deny the lovely feeling of feminine helplessness at his protectiveness. It was just one more thing to add to the list of reasons for loving him.
Would that all disappear once the baby was born and he was no longer bothered about her fragile status? The disturbing thought drifted through her head, but she pushed it away, and then it was easy to do what she always did and sink into his caresses, letting her body get carried away on a tide of love, passion and fulfilment.
Her body was tingling all over, über-sensitive and on fire, when she finally climaxed, arching up against him and wrapping her arms around his neck so that she could pull him towards her, losing herself in him.
‘Now I really am tired...’ She yawned, stretching out and then squinting as he slid off her and lay flat on his back with one arm flung over his eyes.
‘It was unfair of me to distract you when it was already so late.’
‘You didn’t do anything I didn’t want to do, trust me.’ Alice laughed and curved onto her side to look at him.
‘Get some sleep, Alice.’
‘You too.’ She peered at him, although her eyelids were already beginning to feel heavy as she reached for her underwear on the ground and then smiled as he brought her the baggy tee she was accustomed to sleeping in. ‘You wanted to talk?’ she said reluctantly.
‘It can wait. I’m going to try and get some work done. I’ll make sure I don’t wake you when I come to bed...’
Mateo nudged open the bedroom door at just after eight the following morning. She’d been sound asleep when he’d finally joined her in the early hours of the morning, snoring gently and curled on her side, wrapped around a pillow which supported her bump. They’d made love and, for a while, he’d forgotten the unsettling feelings he had had when he’d surprised her at the leaving party. Making love tended to do that. Unfortunately, uncomfortable notions could only be pushed to the side for so long before they popped back up, demanding to be acknowledged.
He had made her breakfast. It was something he had never done for a woman before, but he needed to clear the air, and getting her onside with some toast and coffee didn’t seem too big an ask.
‘Surprise,’ he announced, dropping the tray deftly on the table next to the bed and then straightening to look at her as she shifted into an awkward sitting position with the pillows propped behind her.
She was pink and ruffled, her long hair a chaotic tangle that somehow made her look a lot younger than she was, a mere girl instead of a woman on the brink of having a baby.
‘You should have woken me, Mateo. I know it’s the weekend but, now that I won’t have a job to wake up for on Monday, I don’t want to get into the habit of just lazing around in bed until mid-morning.’
Mateo smiled. ‘You happen to have a very good excuse.’ He poured her some coffee and handed her the cup, then he arranged the tray to the side of her and pulled up a chair next to the bed. ‘Besides, from tomorrow, you’re going to be busy with the house move.’
Mention of the house they would be moving to was a reminder of a conversation that needed to be had. But now he found that he was happy to put it off, happy not to hear her tell him that this wasn’t the life she had banked on.
He’d got his own way with the marriage but it seemed that there was more to life than getting his own way.
‘Delicious toast, Mateo.’
‘I’ll make sure to contact the bakery to congratulate them on the quality of the bread. I’m sorry I showed up last night, Alice. I...hadn’t meant to. It was something of a spur-of-the-moment decision.’
‘It’s okay.’ Alice reddened.
‘Want to know why I decided to unexpectedly show up?’
‘Yes,’ Alice said cautiously. ‘Maybe.’
‘It’s a big step—moving in together, getting married. And it may have seemed more distant, when these things were agreed between us, but time’s moving on. House move next week and then, before you know it, we’re married and a new chapter begins.’
Working her way through the toast, Alice looked at Mateo warily from under her lashes. ‘What does that have to do with you turning up at my leaving party?’ she asked with genuine curiosity.
She felt at a distinct disadvantage. She knew that she was rumpled from having just woken up, and her baggy tee-shirt wasn’t exactly the sort of power outfit required for a conversation that sounded serious.
He, on the other hand, looked bright-eyed and bushy-tailed in black jeans and a black jumper that fitted him like a glove. Nerves slammed into her and all of a sudden the toast tasted like cardboard.
‘I think I ought to get dressed,’ she said, clearing her throat. ‘I don’t think that a bed is the right place for us to be having a serious conversation.’
‘Okay. I’ll wait for you in the living room. Want some more coffee?’
He was already standing as she shook her head and pushed back the duvet. She felt a vice-like grip around her heart. So it was going to be a serious conversation. How much more serious did conversations get than ones that included a marriage proposal—except, perhaps, one where it was retracted?
She waited till he had left the bedroom then had a quick shower and dressed hurriedly in loose jogging bottoms and a loose top, stuff she could move around in, because anything with a waistband was out of the question.
He had deposited a pile of money in an account for her but so far she had bought nothing for herself with any of it, despite his gentle reminders that it wasn’t there to gather cobwebs.
‘I’ve got things for the baby,’ she’d replied vaguely.
He’d laughed and said, ‘The money is for you as well. You’re going to be my wife. You’ll need a wardrobe of clothes that aren’t just serviceable, Alice. Feel free to buy whatever designer things you want, and that includes whatever designer things you find to accommodate your beautiful, growing shape.’
‘That’s a waste,’ she’d responded politely, reminded of the new role her brand new life was going to entail as wife of a billionaire, ‘When they’ll only get used for a matter of a few weeks.’
She emerged into the beautiful, spacious sitting room with an air of quiet defiance.
He was waiting for her. The apartment was completely open-plan with only the bedroom and the bathroom enclosed. Unlike Mateo’s own enormous house, this apartment was modern but informal. It had come furnished with comfortable sofas, and the wooden floor was scuffed but gleaming, proud testimony to all the people who had enjoyed the space.
Alice paused and looked at him for a few seconds, trying to decipher what was going through his head from the thoughtful expression on his face. His beauty never failed to shock her. Maybe that, along with everything else, had piled up on top of her recently, making her pensive and cautious around him.
Had he picked up on that? Was that the reason for his sudden urge to have a serious conversation with her? They’d made love but he hadn’t forgotten that he still wanted to talk to her. Making love wasn’t a panacea that encouraged forgetfulness, not in this instance.
She took a deep breath and joined him, curling up on the sofa next to him and laboriously positioning herself so that she was looking straight at him; he, in turn, did the same.
‘Why am I nervous?’ she opened with a little laugh.
‘Are you?’
‘You’re sitting there as though you’re about to interview me for a position in your company.’
Mateo laughed. ‘I’m struggling to think of anyone who might be less interested in working in my company. Since when have you expressed any interest in the nuts and bolts of what I do?’
‘It’s not because I’m not interested.’
‘Yes, it is, and I like that. I can’t think of anything more boring than coming home to a wife who wants the details of what deals I managed to put away.’
Heartened by that, Alice smiled and relaxed.
‘I suppose,’ Mateo said thoughtfully, ‘as the time goes on I’m curious about...well, to name but one thing...your broken engagement. You haven’t told me a huge amount about that, about what happened there. You’ve mentioned it in passing, and I’ve let it go, but now...tell me what happened?’
Something must have occurred to him and he frowned. ‘I’ve never been a guy who believes in a lot of hand-holding and confidence sharing, but it’s suddenly occurring to me that I’ve shared a lot more with you than you have with me.’
It was an uncomfortable realisation and he flushed darkly and shot her a fulminating, vaguely accusatory look from under his lashes.
‘So?’ he prompted.
‘So it just didn’t work out. It wasn’t that it ended on a bad note. In fact, I can’t really recall what sort of note it ended on—an amicable one. Which is probably why, when I told you about him, told you that it was all very friendly in the end, you immediately concluded that he must have been boring.’
‘Did I conclude that?’
Alice shrugged and smiled. ‘You did. “Nice but dull” was the way you summed him up when I told you that I’d ended the relationship.’ She frowned. ‘If you want to know, it was something I sleep-walked into. At least, that’s what it feels like looking back. I was young and we were good together: friendly; no highs and no lows... We got along, and I suppose I never thought I’d do anything but end up with a nice guy in a solid relationship and Simon seemed to fit the bill. You were right, though. He wasn’t for me. I didn’t analyse at the time what I wanted but I just knew that I wanted more. All history.’ She shrugged.
‘I surprised you at your leaving party because I wanted to see you in your own comfort zone.’ Mateo abruptly changed the subject and Alice looked at him, startled at this admission.
‘And? You surprised me but then you didn’t join the party. Everyone wanted to know what happened to you, why you showed up and then just disappeared.’
‘What did you tell them?’
‘That something had come up with the house. You had to make a decision about something and needed my input but you couldn’t get through to me on my mobile and you were in the area.’
‘And they fell for that?’
‘They were too busy having fun to go into a question-and-answer session.’
‘And you were as well.’
‘Meaning?’
Alice felt that they were going round in circles and, because she knew that Mateo was a direct person who couldn’t be bothered with conversational niceties, she couldn’t stop a tremor of nerves.
He’d implied that they were still going to be married. It was crazy but, having dug her heels in to start with at the whole marriage idea, she had given in the minute she had seen that picture of him with another woman. It was as though the reality of an alternative situation had hit her hard enough for her to put things in perspective. She had accepted his proposal even as she’d accepted that it wasn’t ideal and had told herself that nothing in life was ideal. She’d kept her love guarded, but there had been a sadness behind the acceptance that it was a one-sided relationship and would probably always remain that way.
She knew that she’d been skittish around him recently, and she wondered whether he’d picked up on that. Uncertainty swooped through her, shaking her to the foundations. For good or bad, she knew that she wanted this man, wanted to be married to him and damn the consequences; she would live with them.
‘Alice...’ Mateo’s voice was low and quiet. ‘I looked at you at that party and you were laughing.’
‘I was having a good time.’
‘That’s my point. What we have here...’ He spread his arms wide to encompass the room they were in, the apartment, everything around them. He raked his fingers through his hair and vaulted upright to pace the room in restless, jerky strides while Alice remained where she was, following him with anxious eyes and wondering where this was going.
‘What we have here is duty and obligation, based on mutual respect and a healthy sex life as a foundation for a union.’
‘There’s nothing wrong with any of that. You yourself said so from the start!’
Her heart picked up speed. She wanted to spring to her feet and dash over to where he was still prowling the room so that she could hold onto him. But then would that just be taking refuge in physical contact again?
She looked down and clenched her hands into balls, willing him to just shut up and overlook whatever blip had recently happened between them instead of dragging it out into the open and analysing it. Since when had he been the guy who liked having heart-to-hearts? Couldn’t he just do them both a favour right now and return to type, scorn this chat he insisted on having?
‘And when I said that I meant it, but time has a habit of changing everything,’ Mateo returned in a low, driven voice. ‘I see now that, whilst I can be perfectly happy with those ingredients, unlike you I’m not the sentimental sort. You broke off your engagement with Simon because you wanted more than he could offer. Maybe he offered you the sort of neutral love that wasn’t enough; you wanted more. The more you wanted then will always be the more you want now—the more that I can’t give you. Alice, I saw you laughing with your friends. You don’t laugh like that with me.’
Mateo’s words hung in the air between them and there was nothing Alice could do to deny the truth in them. He was so right, because Simon had never been quite enough, had never offered the love her heart craved. He had never been anywhere close to Mateo, this difficult, complex, proud, caring guy who had everything she wanted but would never give it to her.
There was a reason she hadn’t laughed in a while. Laughter would come again but it had been in short supply as she had grappled with circumstances that gave so much and withheld so much more. Grappled with a union where the sex was so sweet and the caring nature of Mateo so undisguised...and yet a union in which the love she so desperately wanted, the love that only he could give her, was not forthcoming. Putting her guard up had made her cautious, and caution had kept that open, honest laughter in check.
And then all sorts of other thoughts had swirled in her head of late, exacerbated by hormones and sudden apprehension at the future awaiting her.
Looking at the shadows flitting across her face, Mateo almost cursed himself for having said anything. What he had just said had made him sound vulnerable. He wasn’t the vulnerable sort, but the words were out there, and he couldn’t retract them. He didn’t know whether he even wanted to.
Just like that, clarity came to him with sudden, shocking force.
A chance meeting: he’d opened his door to a woman lost in a blizzard and he hadn’t realised that, in doing so, he had also opened the door to a world of emotion he had thought to be beyond him.
As realisations struck him, he could do no more than make for the nearest chair and sink into it. Frankly, if it wasn’t so early in the day, he would have been seriously tempted to see if a slug of whisky might not help things.
Suddenly released from their restraints, his thoughts ran rampant, coming at him from all directions as the silence built up between them. Snowbound on those slopes, he’d thought that he was enjoying was some harmless fun with a woman who was way too sexy to resist. He’d gone to his lodge to escape the frantic, high-voltage world that occupied him for fifty-one weeks of the year. He’d taken his usual week off to recharge his batteries and remind himself that, in life, it paid to remember your roots.
He’d gone for peace, solitude and some edge-of-his-seat skiing...and instead he’d found Alice. They’d lived in a bubble for a while, marooned in his lodge and discovering one another. What he’d thought was just going to be a week of unexpected fun had turned into something completely different, and just how different that something was now hit him with the force of a sledgehammer.
He’d fallen in love with her. How and when, Mateo had no idea, but it was something that had crept up on him as stealthily as a thief in the night, overthrowing his defences and leaving him powerless.
They’d parted company, but how could he not have realised what had happened when he’d returned to London only to find his thoughts consumed with her? He knew now that if she hadn’t contacted him he would eventually have been driven to seek her out. He might have used some feeble pretext or other, but he would have pursued her because he would have had to. Love would not have given him the option of remaining detached.
When she had showed up at his office out of the blue, he couldn’t have foreseen how circumstances were going to change for him. Yet, even as he’d waded through the shock of her announcement, he had failed to feel anything but a certain gut deep pleasure at the thought of fatherhood suddenly thrust at him.
Why on earth hadn’t he immediately insisted on marriage? He’d gone into a position of instant self-defence, holding himself back from the ultimate commitment, because he’d been there before and had arrogantly presumed to know that it might just be a case of making another mistake, of stepping into a raging fire, because of a pregnancy.
He’d let his past determine his present and he had paid a steep price—because here they were, and he knew that she was having second thoughts whether she said so or not. He’d seen her happy, had seen that look of joy on her face when she’d been surrounded by her friends and colleagues, and he knew that she was wondering what she was doing.
Would she actually say anything—express doubts? Probably not. She’d made up her mind and she would stick to doing what he had persuaded her was the right thing to do. She’d seen some stupid picture of him with a blonde, had been spooked and he’d used that as an opportunity to drive home to her what it would mean if she didn’t marry him. She’d paid attention and gone against the grain. She’d given up her hopes of finding true love in favour of following his line of argument.
That his argument was valid didn’t seem to matter to Mateo just at the moment. What mattered was that look of joy on her face—a look that would never be spared for him. He could give her the world, but it would never be enough because she didn’t love him and, more than that, she wasn’t impressed with his wealth.
He’d never been one for looking back over his shoulder at things that had come and gone. Lessons were learnt and time moved on. Now, though, he looked back and saw a life conditioned by his experience dealing with a father whose future had collapsed when his wife had died and who had needed propping up by a son too young for the task. He saw a life with his ex, a woman who had cared for money more than she had cared for him, and him being happy to go along with that because giving money had been a very different thing from giving his heart. He had given his heart to Alice and had fought tooth and nail to deny that because his drive to protect himself from hurt had been stronger than anything else. He couldn’t do it. It was impossible. He could never let himself be vulnerable: down that road lay pain.
‘Are you going to say anything?’
Mateo looked at her with a guarded expression. ‘I’m going to say that I feel I’ve forced your hand when it comes to marrying me and there’s still time for you to take a step back and really think about what you’re letting yourself in for.’ He shielded himself from the stab of pain that roared through his body like an arrow.
Alice felt the blood rush to her cheeks as she gazed in dismay at Mateo’s serious face.
He was letting her go. One minute he’d wanted her, the next minute he didn’t. It was as though their timelines were all wrong. No sooner was she on his page than he was turning his back on that and moving on, and she was struggling to keep up.
But she couldn’t pretend that he was wrong and that everything was just great. He would see through that in an instant, and she didn’t want him to turn her away for her own good because he’d suddenly had an attack of conscience. This was a time when she should tell him how she felt, about her doubts, which were only to be expected. She would reassure him that things would work out, remind him of the bigger picture. She felt sick when she thought of him having second thoughts.
‘I admit I’ve been feeling a little nervous recently,’ she said on a deep breath. ‘And I guess, when I was at the leaving party, it was all brought home to me.’
‘Explain.’
‘Everything...’ Alice sighed. ‘I was having fun, letting my hair down and when you showed up. I guess I saw what my old life looked like and what my new life was going to look like. But in all honesty it had hit me before that the world you live in is very different to mine. Remember I told you that, when you bought the cottage which would then become somewhere for both of us and the baby and not just me? Remember I told you that you might find it all a little cramped?’
‘I remember,’ Mateo said heavily.
‘Mateo, I’m going to have to dress differently, go to things I’ve never gone to and present the sort of persona that will fit in with your lifestyle.’
‘And of course, were we not to be married, that would not be a problem.’
‘I suppose it wouldn’t,’ Alice agreed thoughtfully.
‘No having to mix in my boring world,’ Mateo said softly. ‘No having to wear clothes you don’t want to wear or make conversation with people you don’t want to make conversation with. Would you prefer that?’
‘I...’
‘I know we’ve told everyone that we’ll be getting married and things are in motion but...’
Mateo shook his head and glanced off into the distance. He’d tried. She’d wanted a relationship that had love at the centre of it rather than a baby, and he’d told her flat out that if she was looking for love, then he wasn’t the guy who could give it to her—but, of course, she hadn’t been looking for love with him .
His ego had been in the driving seat when he’d jumped to that conclusion. Seeing her letting her hair down, not wearing that wary look on her face that always seemed to be just there, just under the surface, ever since they had ironed out the whole marriage situation, had been the game changer.
If he loved someone, he shouldn’t harness them to his side because of what he wanted. If he loved someone, he’d allow them to go to find their own destiny, even if he personally thought that their destiny was to be glued to his side.
Giving Alice the house of her dreams and more money than she could shake a stick at was never going to cut it, even if on paper it all made perfect sense, and even if he’d managed to get her round to his point of view that there was no viable alternative.
‘I’m releasing you, Alice.’
‘Sorry?’
‘You don’t have to go through with a marriage you originally had no interest in.’
He stood up but he couldn’t meet her eyes. He didn’t want her to see what was in his. Instead, he remained standing there in silence for a few seconds.
‘I’ll leave you to mull over what I’ve said. I want you to know that, aside from your freedom which I am returning to you, everything else will remain the same and that includes my unwavering commitment to you and to our child. I’ll be with you every step of the way. You can count on me financially, and of course emotionally, until such time as you see fit.’
‘Until such time as I see fit?’
‘Correct.’
He began making for his coat and retrieving his mobile from where he had put in on the table in front of him, looking around vaguely as though he might have forgotten something.
Then he gave her a final look, brief and remote but not unkind.
‘I’ll be in touch. The move is in a couple of days. I’ll be there to make sure everything goes smoothly—if, that is, you still want to live there and not closer to where your friends are?’
‘And, if I went for the “closer to the friends” option, what would you do?’
Mateo shrugged. ‘It wouldn’t be a problem. A house is a house and the fact that I’ve already bought it would be immaterial. I’d hang onto it and then sell it.’
‘Life’s easy when money’s no object.’ Alice half-smiled but the eyes that met hers were as remote as ever.
‘On the contrary,’ Mateo murmured, turning away. ‘Money just makes the issues more manageable on a practical level. Everything else remains the same.’