CHAPTER NINE
THESUNLIGHTWAS weaker here in England than Italy, Lily thought as she sat down in front of the dressing-table mirror. But it was still bright enough to make sunblock necessary. Glancing over her shoulder, she massaged the cream into her back. She could, of course, just wait for Trip, but the last time she had asked for his help they had spent the rest of the day in bed.
Desire curled inside her at the memory and her gaze moved to the bathroom where Trip was showering. But it wasn’t desire that had pushed them into each other’s arms on that park bench.
Something had changed. It wasn’t just sex any more. It felt like a relationship. He had told her he cared about her, that he would keep her safe. Nothing had ever meant more to her than knowing Trip had her back.
It had been one of the hardest things she had ever done, showing him those photos of herself. Her heart had been racing, hands shaking. She had never told anyone how it had made her feel. Never wanted to. Had been too scared to, because then they might see her in that way and be repulsed by her ‘ugliness’.
But when Trip had taken her hand it had all come pouring out of her and he hadn’t looked at her in disgust. And just as momentous had been Trip’s confession to her. His father’s infidelity had been shocking, but more shocking still, more devastating to her, was finally understanding the full extent of his insecurities in relation to Henry. How he had protected himself by pushing back against his father’s indifference and disappointment, presenting an image of himself as cool and emotionally indifferent. She knew now that he was not that man. Not with her, anyway.
Maybe that was why she had felt a peace that was deeper than she had ever known.
As long as she didn’t think about the future, she still felt at peace now. Some of the time anyway, she thought, her breath catching as Trip strolled back into the bedroom with a fluid grace that made it impossible to look away.
‘So, what do you want to do today?’
‘You choose.’
‘I was hoping you’d say that.’ He grinned. ‘Let’s go for a punt.’ His gaze flicked over her bare back. ‘But first...’ Her pulse jerked as his warm hand slid over her shoulder. ‘You missed a bit here.’
‘Is that right?’
‘I wouldn’t lie to you,’ he said softly, tracing a lazy, sensual path down to the swell of her bottom. ‘Not about anything.’
His eyes met hers in the mirror and she stared back at him dizzily.
Before yesterday, she would have told herself it was just words, but she could see the truth written across his face—no, not written, she corrected herself. It was deeper than that. As if it were cut into him like letters into stone.
And the strange thing was that in the past she had hated to be looked at. But here in Oxford, she liked it when Trip looked at her in that fierce, focused, incisive way of his that told her he liked what he saw. Maybe that was why being here felt as if she were in a dream, she thought, but then he leaned down and his mouth found hers and she had no thoughts for anything but him and as her hunger flared, white and brighter than any sun, she reached for the towel around his waist, reached for him.
Punting was a good choice, she thought, two hours later as they took turns to push the flat-bottomed boat through the rippling waters of the Cherwell. Away from the centre, it was quiet and cool on the river. Now, as she lay back against the cushions, gazing up at the sky, it was easy to feel outside time, adrift.
And Trip was great company. Smart, funny, curious and he had that incredible energy and excitement. But it was when he talked about his plans for the business that she started to realise that he was a lot more than just a pretty face. A whole lot more.
Another punt was gliding into view now. Not a couple but a group of women taking photos of each other. She felt an instant flutter of panic as they glanced over at Trip but then her gaze snagged on the magazine one of the women was holding. On the cover, next to a photo of some soap star who’d split from her husband, was the same photo Trip had shown her back in New York, the one from the auction. No doubt because it was one of the few in existence of the two of them together.
So far.
‘Hey...’ Trip turned towards her, and she felt her stomach swoop upwards by the curving uptilt of his mouth. ‘Where’d you go?’
‘Nowhere,’ she lied, watching as the women disappeared. ‘I was just thinking about how different it is here from New York.’
‘Are you missing it?’ There was an edge to his voice that hadn’t been there before.
No, she thought, but as she opened her mouth to reply there was a crash and the punt shuddered sideways. Gripping the sides, she looked over her shoulder to where another punt occupied by a couple had rear-ended them.
‘Sorry.’ The man was getting to his feet, grimacing. ‘That was my fault,’ he said in that clipped, English accent, his cheeks flushed pink. ‘I wasn’t looking where I was going.’
‘It’s fine.’ Trip smiled easily. ‘Really. No harm, no foul.’ To Lily, he murmured, ‘Don’t worry, we’ve got this,’ his hand squeezing hers.
The woman in the punt was smiling and crying a little. ‘He just proposed.’ She held out her hand and the small diamond solitaire winked in the sunlight. ‘And I said yes,’ she added unnecessarily.
‘Congratulations!’ Trip turned to Lily and there was a glitter of excitement in his eyes that made her pulse hum with happiness. ‘We actually got engaged earlier this month, didn’t we, darling?’
‘Oh, congratulations.’ The woman leant forward, smiling at Lily. ‘Can I see your ring?’
Beside her, Lily felt Trip shift his weight as he reached to take her hand. He was smiling too, but as she stared down at the glittering band on her finger, she felt a lump form in her throat. The jewels in her ring trumped the other woman’s in size and worth, but they felt cheap and gaudy in comparison. Because of course they were not a declaration of love. Her ring was simply an expensive but impersonal prop selected by Trip, or more likely Lazlo, to persuade the world that their engagement was real.
And it wasn’t that she didn’t know that to be the case, but seeing this couple, feeling their love and hope and excitement, was a crushing reminder that her relationship with Trip was a sham.
She shivered as the sun momentarily disappeared behind a cloud. She couldn’t let herself think about that now. ‘I love the shape of yours,’ she said quickly, ignoring the ache in her chest.
‘It’s beautiful,’ Trip added smoothly. ‘But I’m sure you’ve got better things to do than talk to us. Congratulations again—’
As the couple moved off downstream he met her gaze.
Reaching out, he touched her cheek lightly. ‘You know, I don’t know why you were ever worried about getting people to believe in us. For a moment there, even I believed you. And the shareholders are going to believe you too.’ He smiled then, one of those miraculous smiles that made the earth tilt on its axis. But for once it was hard to smile back.
And that was what mattered, she thought, over the dark ache in her heart. She knew if she sat there, leaning into Trip’s warmth, living the lie, she might shatter.
‘We should be getting back.’
The punt wobbled alarmingly as she jerked to her feet, and she would have lost her balance if Trip hadn’t grabbed her wrist.
‘Don’t.’ She shook him off. ‘What’s the point of being in disguise if you’re going to draw attention to us?’
Grabbing the pole, he steadied the punt calmly. ‘Be fair, Lily. You’re the one who nearly capsized us.’
He was right.
And the stupid thing was that she didn’t care about anyone noticing them. Didn’t even care about the paparazzi. Had never cared less, in fact. Her eyes snagged on the dazzling diamond and sapphires on her finger and everything inside her rolled sideways as if she herself were about to capsize. Yesterday, and this morning, she had felt so close to him, so safe, so known. And she had thought she knew him. Had thought that things had shifted, changed in some intangible but fundamental way—
‘Lily—’
The gentleness in his voice was so unexpected that she was suddenly close to tears. ‘Don’t do that. Don’t say my name,’ she said shakily.
The sun had slipped behind a cloud so that his eyes looked like bruises. Watching his face stiffen, she wished she could turn back time to when it was just the two of them in this fantasy he’d created.
She sat down, turning her face away from him. It didn’t matter that he had brought her to her safe place, or that he had shown her the man beneath the teasing smile and the careless manner. The beautiful, bright day was ruined. Their lies had sent the sun scurrying behind the clouds.
Quite suddenly she wished she had fallen into the river and sunk to the mud at the bottom, where there was no sunlight and Trip’s smile would be a blurred, indistinct memory.
They made their way back to the house in silence, but as soon as they were inside the bedroom, Trip rounded on her.
‘What is going on? Lily, what’s the matter? You can’t just give me the silent treatment. Talk to me.’
Trip’s flawless face was creased into a frown that was a shock after days of light and laughter.
‘You didn’t propose,’ she said quietly.
His frown deepened, his frustration palpable now beneath his confusion. ‘Because it would have felt weird. It wasn’t that kind of engagement. But that doesn’t suddenly mean something just because we met some couple on a punt who did the whole down on bended knee schtick.’
A couple who were in love, she thought dully. A couple who weren’t performing a part.
His expression shifted, softened. ‘Look, I’m sorry I didn’t propose.’ He took a step closer, reaching for her hand. His handsome face so familiar, so necessary now, and it would be so easy to just accept his apology.
‘But you have a ring and if you want we can post some pictures to show it off. And I can get Lazlo to send over some venue ideas for the ceremony.’
It was like waking from a dream. He was talking to her as if she were a colleague or a client. It jarred, unfairly so, because Trip hadn’t romanced her into this relationship. For him, their engagement was a pragmatic, spur-of-the-moment solution to a business dilemma. There was never any need for him to personalize his love, because he didn’t love her.
But in her newly loved-up state, she had let herself forget that he had needed a wife, needed her to improve his image.
Or had she chosen to ignore it? She pressed her hand against her chest to quell the queasiness that question provoked. Because she had done that once before with appalling consequences.
Better to face it head-on.
‘It doesn’t matter now,’ she said slowly.
His eyes narrowed on her face. ‘What do you mean?’
She flinched inwardly, but continued. ‘In Italy you said that there was an agenda, a right time to announce our engagement. I think this would be the perfect time to announce our separation.’
He was looking at her as if she were an imposter. Someone playing the part of Lily Dempsey. ‘I don’t understand. Why are you talking about separating? We haven’t even picked a date for the wedding. Look, it’s going to be fine, Lily. Everyone is going to love you and when they see us together they won’t suspect a thing. They’ll all think we’re madly in love—’
For a few seconds she remembered how he had comforted her while she’d cried. How tightly he had held her hand as he’d told her about his father’s affair. She thought she would throw up if she asked the question, but she wasn’t going to make the same mistake twice.
‘But we’re not, are we?’ She took a deep breath. ‘Or, rather, you’re not.’
Heart hammering against her ribs, she waited, watching as he ran a hand across his face. Hiding his eyes, she thought, her stomach lurching as she saw the implication of her words hit home. He looked stunned, and even before he started to speak, she knew that her feelings were not and would never be returned.
And it hurt. It hurt so badly she wanted to curl into a ball around the ache in her chest. She felt small and foolish, as she had so many times in her life.
He was shaking his head. ‘I don’t—I’m not—’
His stumbling, uncharacteristic inarticulateness told her everything she needed to know.
She felt as if she were slipping underwater. ‘Of course.’ Her nails bit into the palms of her hands. Just hours earlier she had felt cocooned and needed at the heart of his life, but she wasn’t in his heart. He didn’t want a real relationship and she couldn’t be in this fake one. Couldn’t be this diminished version of herself, not even for Trip. ‘Can I leave it to you to make a statement? You know how to explain things.’
He moved to stand by the window and she took a step closer to the door, both of them moving like actors blocking a performance. Because that was what they were. That was all they could ever be, and accepting that gave her the willpower to stay strong.
‘If that’s what you want.’ His voice was flat, distant.
It wasn’t, but she didn’t want to just be a solution to a problem.
‘What I want is to be loved. What I want is to truly share my life with someone, not pretend to share it with someone just to please a bunch of shareholders I’ve never met. And I suppose I should thank you, because you made me realise I deserve better than this. I deserve more. I deserve someone who loves me.’
‘You do,’ he said hoarsely. ‘Look, Lily—’
She cut across him. That he had so easily given in, given her up was like a spear lancing her heart. But she couldn’t stand here and listen to him tell her that he was fond of her. ‘All I ask is that you hold off making any announcement about us until after I’ve told my family.’
‘Will Lucas be okay?’
Lucas. Without him, she would never have agreed to this engagement. But she couldn’t use him to stay with Trip now, couldn’t use love in that way. And oddly, Trip had made her see that she didn’t need to feel responsible for her brother. She would protect him, but her family was strong and they would stand together. As for herself, no troll could inflict pain that would match that of staying with Trip and knowing that it would never be real.
There was a sharp beat of silence and then he nodded. She took a deep breath. ‘I’ll just get my things—’
She held her breath, hoping, praying that he would stop her, stop this from happening. But after a few beats of silence he said stiffly, ‘I’ll get Lazlo to organise a jet.’
‘You don’t need to do that.’
He glanced towards the window. ‘I want to. In fact, I insist on it. The main airports are probably under siege by the paps and I said I’d keep you safe.’
His matter-of-fact tone made her flinch inside. The last time he had spoken those words, his voice had been soft and tender. Now it was as if he were sitting in his office, dictating a letter to his PA.
But then this had always been about business for him, she thought, her pulse pounding hard in her head. Keeping control of Winslow. He had never promised love.
‘I’ll wait downstairs. Come and find me when you’re ready to leave.’
Her legs felt as though they were no longer solid beneath her. It was unimaginable to be without him, but it would be worse, so much worse to marry him and then have to wait for it to end.
‘Thank you.’ Clenching her fists to stop her hands shaking, she lifted her chin. ‘Goodbye, Trip. I hope it all works out for you—’
He didn’t look at her. Just continued to stare at the window and then abruptly he turned and walked away. She watched his back, willing him to turn around and come striding back to her. She pictured him pulling her in his arms and telling her that he needed her in his life for ever.
But this wasn’t a fairy tale, so instead he kept walking and she kept standing there, her heart breaking, shattering inside her ribs.