CHAPTER TWELVE
THEROOMWAS decorated beautifully. It was the most amazing birthday party she had ever had. And the only reason it was happening was because of Theseus. Because Patrocles so approved of their future union, that he had given his home and resources over to the celebration.
It was beautiful, but it could’ve been for anyone. It wasn’t for her specifically. But for any girl her age. That was fine with her.
She didn’t know why she felt like grieving.
She didn’t know why she felt like her life was ending.
She was resolved in her friendship with Theseus. She loved him. More than anything.
But as she stood there, watching the room filled with people, it wasn’t Theseus’s face she saw. She knew that most people would think that was insane. Because they were identical.
But they weren’t. They simply weren’t.
She didn’t see Dionysus. Not when the party started. And not when Theseus took her hand and led her to the front of the room, holding her left hand up, the diamond sparkling there. Not when he announced their engagement.
It would be a long engagement. They wouldn’t marry until she was twenty.
She felt like she was spiraling out of control. Because what difference did it make? They could get married tomorrow. It wouldn’t change anything. They weren’t ever going to kiss, not really. They were never going to make love.
When he did kiss her, there in front of the room, it was dry. And she had to fight to keep from pushing him away, which made her feel instantly guilty. She had agreed to this. Happily. She hadn’t been coerced. Not in any fashion.
Afterward, she went out to the balcony.
She walked over to the railing, and put her hands on it. She looked out into the darkness, squinted to see if she could find the sea. Or maybe she was looking to see if she could find Dionysus. She wondered if he was angry.
She hadn’t told him about Theseus. He didn’t know anything. He would be the one person most likely not to believe it at all. Unless he could really believe that she had kept such an elaborate secret from him. A secret liaison with his brother.
This was the best thing to do. Friendship meant something. It lasted.
It was the only way.
“Ariadne.”
She turned sharply, and saw him striding toward her. The look in his eyes was fierce. On fire. He was wearing a white shirt and black pants, just the same as Theseus, but it was so patently not Theseus. And when he moved to her, and caught her up in his arms, there could never have been any doubt.
His mouth was a wildfire. Setting every part of her on fire. His hands moved over her body. And she wanted to weep. She wanted to run, and she wanted to cling to him for as long as she could. To claim this one taste of passion.
“What the hell is going on?”
She heard Theseus. And she pulled away. Sharply.
And then she separated herself from Dionysus, and went to Theseus.
She let herself come back to the present.
She had run away then. Because it had been too much.
It had been too strong.
It had been everything that she wanted. But she had been just... She wanted to be angry at that girl, but mostly she just felt sorry for her.
What a terrible, awful situation to be in. Because what she wanted more than anything was for somebody to be true to her. To honor the promises they had made to her. So she wouldn’t have been able to respect herself if she would have broken her word to Theseus. But also, it left her... So much more alone than she had realized. She just hadn’t known men. She just hadn’t known.
Her heart beat painfully as she walked downstairs, and set the scene on the terrace. It was a different terrace. Just like it was a different night.
It was different, and yet so much the same.
She texted Dionysus to let him know dinner was ready, and then she went to stand with her back to the door, her hands on the railing, her focus out toward the sea.
She heard footsteps behind her.
“Ariadne.”
She turned, and it was like those moments melted together. The man he had been, filled with anger and passion and need, right there with the man he was now.
And there was nothing between them.
He took her in his arms and he kissed her. And she kissed him back. With all of the passion and need that she had tried to suppress then.
“Dionysus,” she whispered against his mouth, because she would let there be no doubt that she knew exactly who he was.
Exactly what she was doing.
She knew. Of course she did.
The kiss was a burning wildfire, and it was like she had a second chance. To burn because she chose to. To burn because she wanted this, and wanted him more than anything.
The reason that she was here was lost.
All the sadness, all the grief, all the years apart lost in that moment.
She clung to him, and kissed him from the depths of her very soul.
Because she wouldn’t run away. Not this time. She had a chance to do it differently. She had a chance to make a different choice.
“Dinner is lovely,” he growled against her mouth. “But I have to have you.”
“Yes.”
Because this was how that night should have ended. She should have chosen him then. She should have.
As he picked her up, sweeping her off her feet and carrying her in the house, up the stairs, she felt like she was living in those two moments. And what might’ve been and what was.
At least he was here now.
He was here holding her now.
He felt it too, she knew that he did. Knew that this was more than just another coming together. It was a reclamation. A reckoning.
It was their chance to start again. To explore what might’ve been.
It is. It isn’t just what might’ve been. You get to make a different choice.
You get to choose him.
Her heart felt like it had wings, lifting her chest. He stripped her dress from her body, and cast it to the floor. And she took her time baring his body to her own hungry gaze.
He was everything.
She said his name like an incantation, over and over again. It had always been him.
The moment that she had met him, it had been like all the pieces of her life had fallen into place. Theseus had been by his side, and Theseus had been vulnerable. He appealed to her, because he needed her. She had turned away from her clear and obvious fate because she had been too afraid. And when he had been the braver of the two of them, when he had pulled her into his arms, she had walked away. She had run away. Because she had been too frightened to do anything else.
Because Dionysus could truly hurt her.
With Theseus, she had chosen a clear path that she could see the end of.
And he had never had the power to shatter her.
It was devastating to admit that. Even to herself. She had cared for him, but what she had chosen was safety. Not in the way that she had imagined. It wasn’t just about a sense of physical security, or even companionship. It was that there were two paths in front of her. And one had the potential to be wild and glorious. But she had chosen safety, not over potential heartbreak, but over potential joy. Because she hadn’t felt like she was worthy.
Had she always felt like she wasn’t enough?
And then she had been grappling with it all over again while life had taken Theseus from her. Had taken the first pregnancy from her. But she was still here. And so was Dionysus. And just like that, she felt like she was enough. She felt like she deserved everything.
Truly.
She took a great gasp of air, trying to do something about the sharp pain in her chest. Because this hurt as much as it healed.
But then Dionysus kissed her again, his firm mouth grounding her to the spot, making her feel breathless. Weightless. And wholly secure all at the same time.
She ran her hands over his muscular body. Committed every inch of him to memory.
He was hers. He was hers and she wanted him so very badly.
What was love?
He wanted her just like she was.
He was the only one. Who seemed to want every part of her. Who seemed to think that she was enough, just as she was.
He loved her.
She knew it. As sure and certain as she knew where the sea was just beyond the courtyard. As sure as she knew the path to the oasis that they loved to swim in. He loved her.
And she loved him too.
It was why she had run away from him. Because that terrified her. The real truth was she was afraid of being in love alone. So she had chosen a man that she could never truly fall in love with, who could never fall in love with her, so that she could never be blindsided by what she was lacking. She had chosen half, because she didn’t want to try to carry the whole of it and fail.
She had chosen it.
She was done. She wanted all. She wanted everything. She wanted him.
And everything that meant.
She kissed her way down his body, found herself on her knees before him, and encircled his hard, masculine length in her hand. She moved her head forward, and took the head of him between her lips, tasting him, but more than that, telling him how she felt. How much she loved him. How much she wanted him.
“Only you,” she whispered as she slid her tongue along his shaft.
She pleasured him like that until he gripped her hair. Until he hauled her to her feet and kissed her. Driving her back against the wall, where he thrust into her hard, holding her thigh up over his hip as he took her over and over again.
As he reminded her that they were the only ones that were like this.
This was passion.
And for the two of them, this was the only passion there can ever be.
She felt replete with it. Bursting with it.
It was absolutely everything.
And she gave herself up to the joy of it, clinging to his shoulders and crying out his name as she found her release. As he roared out his own, clinging to her, pulsing deep within her.
“I love you,” she whispered.
But then he let go of her. And he took a step back.
The look in his eyes was wild. Confused. And she knew that she had done something wrong. She knew that... She had made a misstep.
No. You didn’t.
She had to say it. She’d had to tell the truth, even if he couldn’t handle it. Even if it would end badly.
She had to, because she was done living with half. Done living in the darkness.
“Dionysus, I love you.”
He turned away from her, the muscles on his broad back shifting as he put his face in his hands for a moment.
“Did I say something wrong? Because I thought that between us there was no wrong thing to say.”
“Ariadne.” He turned to face her, his eyes wild, haunted. “You don’t have to say that. You don’t have to do this, just because you agreed to marry me.”
“Why do you think the marriage has anything to do with this?”
“I don’t think that you want to get married again for any reason other than love. And... You’re right. I shouldn’t have made demands of you. Not when I wasn’t ready to give you everything. I can’t do that to you again.”
“You love me,” she said, the words coming from a deep, convicted place inside of her.
“It isn’t enough.”
“Of course it’s enough. You are enough for me.”
“That isn’t what I mean,” he said, his face suddenly going cold and remote. “I couldn’t give you what you wanted back then, if I could have you wouldn’t have married him. Not even to protect him.”
“I didn’t choose him over you,” she said, pain lancing her chest. “Not like that. You know that. I chose fear over you. That is true. But I’m done with that now. I’m not choosing fear anymore.”
“It’s already done. And it can’t ever be that way between us. And the fact that you think it can is why this has to be over. You chose him. And that’s all there is to it.”
“I am choosing you now,” she said. “I’m choosing you because this was what I was too afraid to take then.”
“If my brother hadn’t died we never would’ve had this.”
“I don’t think that’s true.”
Her chest felt like it had been caved in. “I don’t think it’s true. Because I really do believe that we would’ve found a way to each other eventually. You’re my fate, Dionysus. I really believe that. I have been... Untangling this for weeks now. Maybe even for years. Spinning it all out inside of me. There’s a reason that you were the person that I went to that day at the club.”
“You were joining the club. It wasn’t as if it was magic that you were there.”
“You were my touchstone. You were the only way forward that I could see. You were the only person that I wanted to be with. Don’t you understand that? You terrified me then. Not just passion, but you. Because if I couldn’t have you, then I was afraid that life wouldn’t be worth living for me. And I was happier to take half and feel safe.”
“And what changed?”
He was challenging her. Like she didn’t actually know what had changed. She did.
“I did. I changed. I realized what I was doing to myself. I realized that I was letting all of the bad things in my life decide how good my life was going to be, and I don’t want that anymore. I realized that I was happier loving the people around me more than they loved me, and I don’t want that anymore.” She looked at him directly. “So if you can’t love me as much as I love you, then I will walk away, because I’m not going to live like that anymore.”
“Why are you risking everything now?”
Because everything was different. They were different. And the same. Far too much the same and it had to change. It needed to. She had been too afraid of risk ten years ago. She had been afraid of being hurt.
But she’d lost her best friend. He had died right before he’d gotten to step into his truth.
What tribute would it be if she didn’t learn from him? What good would it do?
She had to live in her truth. Just as Dionysus needed to learn to live in his.
They had the kind of love that could easily live in the light, why be afraid? Why hide?
For Theseus, for all the love she still felt for him, she couldn’t hide.
She should have been honest with him. She should have been honest with herself.
She’d never go back to lying. Not now.
“Because. Because I matter. I do. And you have only yourself to blame for that realization. Because you treated me like I was a whole person from the moment that we met. You were waiting for me to do something interesting. You didn’t need me to do you a favor. You didn’t need me to rescue you. You loved me the way that I was. Even if it was just as a friend, Dionysus, though I don’t think that’s the case. Realizing that, looking back at everything with clear focus, that showed me what I want. I want to find my way back to that. I want... I want for us to be together. Really. But I can’t heal you. You have to heal you. The reason that I didn’t feel like I was enough for Theseus was that I thought it was my job to love him in a way he couldn’t love himself. I thought that I was holding him together, but you simply cannot do that for another person. I can’t. You can’t.”
She took a deep, shuddering breath. “I have to let you find your own way in this. And I’m brave enough to do it. Because I would rather risk everything to get what we’re both worth, than go along with half. Ever again. That night... That night when you kissed me on my birthday, I ran away from you. I wish that I hadn’t. I wanted to give you a night where I didn’t run. So I want to make it very clear that I am not running away from you. I’m giving you space. So that you can decide what you’re going to do next. So that you can decide if you want to heal, because one thing I know for sure, I cannot sit there in hope that I will be enough to heal someone ever again. I need you to do it. I need you to find that in yourself.”
She felt shattered. She felt... Devastated. But she had to do this.
“I love you, Dionysus. And that’s why I have to leave you. Even if you don’t understand that, it’s the truth.” She blinked back tears. “I’m going to go pack. And then I’m going to call my pilot and have him come and get me.”
“Oh, yes. Of course you have a pilot now as well.”
“I’m one of the richest people in the world,” she said. She blinked hard. “But right now I feel like I don’t have anything. It’s terrifying. But I would rather be terrified and know that I was demanding nothing less than what I deserve.”
She turned and she left him. It was the hardest thing that she had ever done.
Her chest felt like it was caving in, as she made the phone call. As she waited.
Finally, she walked down to the beach, with her one bag of belongings, and boarded the plane.
She was leaving the island. She was leaving Dionysus.
She was leaving behind her hopes and dreams.
This was bravery. And it was terrible.
But she knew that it was the only way that things could ever be all right in the end. The only way they could ever be more than all right.
She knew what happened when you sit in an old wound and let it fester. She knew what happened when you didn’t do the hard work of healing.
And she loved Dionysus too much to consign him to that fate.
She loved herself too much.
She cried all the way back to England.
Life had been especially unkind to her recently.
And this had been her choice.
She could only hope that in the end everything worked out as best it could.
She could only hope, that in the end, she had his love.
Because if not, she knew that nothing would ever be the way that it was supposed to be.
Dionysus was her fate.
But he was going to have to do the work so that they could both claim it.