Chapter Twenty
Olympia
Rafael is looking at me, a stunned expression on his face.
And of course he’s stunned. I’ve never told him that I’m in love with him.
I’ve kept that secret to myself for months now, hoarding it as a dragon hoards gold.
And they’ve been wonderful months, too, the best of my life.
I probably could have gone on without telling him, gone on with yet more wonderful months, but when Ulysses called me to tell me that he was marrying Katla, all I could think about was the lie I told him.
The lie that I’ve been telling him for months now.
He asks me every so often, on our frequent calls, if I’m happy and is Rafael treating me well, and I tell him that I am and that Rafael couldn’t be more attentive.
That, at least, wasn’t a lie. Rafael has been amazing.
Taking me travelling and showing me some of his favourite places.
They’re all buildings, of course. The Great Wall in China.
The Empire State in New York. The temples in Japan.
He’s passionate about them and while we’ve been away, he’s been drawing more.
Not only buildings either, but people, too. Me in particular.
Lying there watching him draw me is one of my life’s pleasures, and one I don’t want to give up.
I don’t want to give up any of it. I don’t want to give up him, not for even a minute.
Ulysses has asked me to visit him a number of times, but I’ve always refused.
Some part of it is not wanting to be away from Rafael, but mostly it’s because my brother will know that I’ve been lying to him.
And he’ll want to know why, and if I tell him, he’ll probably fly straight to Sicily and wring Rafael’s neck.
Perhaps I would have gone on that way if Ulysses hadn’t mentioned the wedding. Making me think about my own marriage and the man I married. The man I’m desperately in love with, but I didn’t want to tell him. Because I know he doesn’t want it and I was terrified of what he’d do if I let him know.
But fear is what I’m trying to leave behind me, along with the pretence that everything’s okay when it’s not.
He is standing in front of the studio he built me, the building looking amazing and yet somehow also eclipsed by the man in front of it.
A man in jeans and a black T-shirt, both stained with sweat and dust. His hands are dirty and there’s blood on his fingers from a cut, and his hair has been shoved back from his head, and he’s the most beautiful human I’ve ever seen.
And I couldn’t stop the words, they just came tumbling out.
Our child will be born very soon and I had to tell him before that happened. I had to be honest and I had to be strong. But while it was cathartic to say it, I regret it now, and I know that no matter how many times I tell him to forget it, he’s not going to.
His eyes are very dark, his expression slowly hardening. ‘It’s not fine,’ he says harshly. ‘And no, I can’t forget it.’
I swallow, because now it’s here, what I dreaded would happen if I told him, and I can’t run away from the consequences. I’ve been running from them for six months and I can’t do it any longer.
‘Okay,’ I say. ‘Well, now you know.’
He’s staring at me as if I’m a stranger. ‘Why would you tell me that?’
I straighten and lift my chin, drawing the shreds of my dignity around me and ignoring the pain threatening to crack me apart. ‘Because I’m tired of hiding it,’ I say baldly. ‘And I’m not ashamed of it.’
‘Olympia—’
‘I’m not asking anything of you,’ I interrupt, because now my secret’s out, I won’t let him stop me from speaking.
‘I don’t want anything. I’m not going to leave you just because you don’t love me back or anything, and I don’t want you to feel as if I’m pressuring you to give me something.
I… I just needed to say it. And I needed you to hear it. ’
He blinks as if I’ve shocked him again. ‘What do you mean you don’t want anything?’
‘What? Did you expect me to turn my back and leave in a huff? How can I do that when I’m nine months pregnant, for God’s sake? No, I’m not leaving. We’re having a baby very soon and I’m not letting love get in the way of that. We can go on the way we’ve been going. It doesn’t change anything.’
He only stares at me as if I’m speaking in a completely different language. ‘Of course it changes things,’ he says, suddenly forceful. ‘It changes everything.’
‘How?’ I throw the question back at him. ‘Why does knowing that I love you matter?’
He takes a couple of steps towards me then stops and stands there, rigid. His expression blazes with shock and fury, his eyes glittering. ‘I want you to be happy,’ he says through gritted teeth. ‘I have been doing everything to make you happy.’
‘Oh? So this is my fault?’ I take a couple of steps towards him, because if he’s going to get angry with me for that, I’ll get furious right back.
‘Don’t you dare throw this back on me. You can’t expect me to live with you, sleep at your side, accept all the gifts you shower me with and all the things you do for me, and have me not fall in love with you.
’ I take another step. ‘What did you think would happen, you stupid bastard? I didn’t want to fall in love with you. It just happened!’
His furious gaze matches mine and I’m surprised sparks aren’t flying at the contact. ‘Why?’ His voice is hoarse. ‘Why can’t you be satisfied with what I have to give?’
‘I am!’ I shout. ‘But didn’t you listen to me? Didn’t you hear when I told you that I don’t want anything from you? You never listen, Rafael. Just like you didn’t listen when I told you that it’s okay to keep loving your father!’
‘I heard.’ His hands come out and he’s gripping my upper arms so hard it’s almost painful. ‘This isn’t about my father,’ he snarls. ‘This is about us. About what you want from me and you should want more from me. You should want everything from me.’
‘Tell me what the point of that would be, Rafael. When you won’t give it to me.’
He takes a shuddering breath, and there’s something agonised in his eyes. ‘You should leave me,’ he says. ‘You should turn around and walk away. You should find someone else.’
‘Why should I? When I’ve already made my choice? A choice you made damn sure of nine months ago.’
He releases me suddenly and steps back. His face has gone white. ‘Olympia…’
It’s wrong of me to blame him for it, to bring up his stupid revenge plan, but I can’t help it. I’m hurt. I’m in pain, and I’m angry. I should never have told him, but I did, and now I’ve ruined everything. We can’t come back from this, I know we can’t.
I turn to leave and that’s when my waters break.