Chapter Sixteen
Katherine pulled up to a cream, three-bedroom semi-detached house in St Albans.
A house she visited as frequently as was possible.
A house that she’d grown up in, dreaming about a big career in London.
She had no idea if her parents were home but as soon as she got off the plane from Nice—having spent the night at the airport waiting for the first flight out that morning—barely able to keep herself together, this was the only place she wanted to go.
She couldn’t get Lukas’s revelation out of her head.
She blamed him all this time for almost destroying her career and maybe he did, but he was also the reason she was successful now.
That she had a better role at Aero than at VelociTV.
And she had used that opportunity only afforded to her because of Lukas to try to convince the world to hate him. To see the worst in him.
Her eyes misted up again, so she switched off her Mercedes and walked up to the door. Unable to hear any voices inside, she pulled out her spare key and let herself in.
‘Mum? Dad?’ she called, but there was no immediate answer.
All the willpower she had to not fall apart ebbed away.
The dam walls were fracturing and out spouted jets of anguish.
She could feel her face crumble but she tried so hard to breathe through the pain of losing Lukas.
A man she would have had to say goodbye to anyway but when he was kicking her out, she’d realised she didn’t want to leave. She never wanted to say goodbye to him.
She turned to leave. ‘This was a mistake.’
‘Kittykat? I thought I heard your voice.’
Before she’d realised what she was doing, she spun around and launched herself at her father, who caught her in a tight hug. She never got so emotional that her parents had to comfort her. She could modulate her emotions on her own. Had done so since she was young.
No one else did.
No, her siblings didn’t. They expected comfort.
She pulled away from her father, looking at the textured cream tiles that hadn’t changed in twenty-seven years.
‘This is unlike you,’ her father said, his hand on her shoulder.
But was it? She did get upset. She’d been upset when her father had missed important days in her life because of Paige. She’d just made sure to mask it so that he wouldn’t feel guilty.
…they should have worked harder to know you.
That thought of Lukas made it impossible to speak.
‘Come, let’s have some tea and we can chat in the living room. I have a fire going.’
‘Can I have a coffee instead?’ It wouldn’t be like Lukas’s, but she loved coffee and she missed him.
‘Since when do you like coffee?’ her dad asked as he reached into the back of the cupboard to pull out a jar of instant.
‘I always have.’ Katherine wasn’t sure what made her say it. She was here to seek comfort, not to make her parents feel guilty.
He hummed as he switched on the kettle. ‘I’m the only one here. Your mother is out with Paige, and your brothers are off somewhere.’
‘That’s fine.’ She really only wanted her dad.
He finished making the drinks and handed a floral mug to Katherine. She took a sip of the milky coffee. It wasn’t great but at least it was something she had asked for.
‘Let’s go talk.’
The lounge had remained unchanged. The walls were still a shade of peach she could almost taste.
The comfortable, pillowy couches were in exactly the same places even if the upholstery had been replaced a few times over the years, always with exactly the same colour and fabric.
In the corner stood a Christmas tree with a plastic angel on top. A new plastic angel.
‘Who put the angel up?’ Katherine asked, sitting in the chair farthest from the tree while her father sat next to it.
‘Christopher won this round, though there were casualties.’
‘I see that.’
‘So tell me what’s wrong, Kittykat. I imagine it has something to do with Lukas J?ger.’
It was a physical ache to hear his name.
‘Do you want to explain what happened? One moment you were coming to dinner, the next you were missing and then you’re in a relationship with a man I know you dislike. I’ve never had to worry about you, Kat, but these past few weeks have been worrying.’
Her father’s words made her feel both angry and guilty. She never wanted them to worry about her and now she felt his disappointment in his words. Like she was being chastised.
‘I know, Dad. I’m sorry. I found out about the Finland trip last minute and then Lukas and I got caught in the storm.’ Katherine stopped. She didn’t have to give her father the abridged version. He was her family. ‘Actually, he saved me.’
‘Saved you?’
And then Katherine told her father everything that had happened in Lapland, but she kept the passion a secret for herself.
Even excluding that physical connection from the narrative, when Katherine looked back at their time, she realised how much they’d had together, how much more than lust. Even if they hadn’t slept together, she would have left there wanting more of him.
And then she confessed the truth about their relationship, how it had started.
Saying it had all been fake felt like a lie.
Her father’s eyes softened. He’d remained silent while she spoke, but now he moved across the room to sit beside Katherine, pulling her into a tight hug that made it hard to keep the tears at bay.
‘It wasn’t fake,’ her father said softly, putting an arm around her shoulders and pulling out his phone from his pocket.
Suddenly she was a young girl again watching racing with her father except this time she was the entertainment.
He was showing her pictures of herself from news articles he had saved.
And despite the devastation cracking her soul apart, a small piece of her shattered heart rejoiced because she was alone with her father getting a bit of the attention she had always craved.
‘Look at this picture,’ he said, swiping to one that was taken the day she and Lukas had gone shopping. ‘Look at that smile on your face. Do you know when I last saw you smile like that?’
‘No,’ she breathed.
‘Never,’ he replied. ‘And this one…’ It was from the boat—Lukas holding a plate, her looking up at him.
Was that only yesterday? ‘Your mother hasn’t ever looked at me like this and there hasn’t been a day where the two of us have not been in love.
Let me show you one more.’ Her dad scrolled on his phone to a picture taken the night she and Lukas had gone to the casino.
She was looking away but Lukas was looking at her.
The emotion in his eyes took her breath away.
‘That young man is not faking, and neither were you.’
‘It didn’t feel fake,’ Katherine admitted, taking the phone from her father.
‘What do you see? How does he look at you?’ He squeezed her tighter.
‘Like he’d fight the world for me. Like he’d hold back the oceans if I asked him to.’ Except what they had wasn’t meant to last. ‘But he only agreed to this situation because he was forced to. He wants to drive. This PR stunt was his last shot at an offer.’
Her father took the phone from her and placed it on the scuffed coffee table then placed both arms around her. She wished she could have felt comfort like this growing up.
‘How did he react in that meeting?’
‘He asked for my opinion and then made sure I was okay.’
‘I see, and after that?’ her father pressed.
‘He took me to his home that he allows very few into. He gave me privacy and comfort and support. He helped me when I was struggling…’ with the media attention, with what her life was and why she chose this career. He never judged her. He kept her safe and treasured her and loved her.
And she loved him.
Katherine loved him so much it felt like a vital appendage had been lopped off. She loved him and she hadn’t come clean to him about the article. Nor had she apologised.
‘I never gave him the benefit of the doubt. After he cost me my job, I was convinced he was an awful person, but the truth was so very different.’
Was this revenge for me for accidentally getting you fired?
Maybe subconsciously, it all had been.
Katherine covered her mouth, muffling her voice. ‘I was never impartial. If I had been I wouldn’t have felt the need to pull that article in the first place.’
‘Can you understand why he feels betrayed?’ her father asked without judgement.
‘It’s my job,’ she said but the words tasted wrong.
‘I’ve always admired your commitment and your work ethic, but I have also always worried that you put achievement above everything else in your life. Sweetheart, it’s not your job that makes you important or worth listening to. You already are. Allow yourself to be happy outside of your career.’
That brought Lukas’s words straight back to mind.
You are not your mother. You have achieved so much more than everyone else in your family has. Why are you letting your mother’s choices warn you away from a possible future?
That night she had felt so close to Lukas.
And that kiss afterwards would never fade from memory.
It broke her and mended her. Made her want to cry and levitate.
It was so raw, so desperate. And the next morning had been even better.
When he placed that angel in her hand it felt like a missing piece of her soul clicked into place.
She looked at the tired Christmas tree in the corner with its supermarket ornaments and brand new plastic angel. A perfect reminder of the way she had been sidelined by her family.
‘You say that yet you only had time for me when it came to racing or my career. Even then, when I finally broke into the industry you were gone to help Paige in another country.’
‘Katherine—’ Her father loosened his hold of her. Surprise on his face. But she spoke over him. She couldn’t hold back the words this time.
‘And how can I be happy and allow myself to love someone when Mum taught me that love means settling down and giving up my dreams? Dreams I worked bloody hard for. A career without which I wouldn’t have even the little bit of attention you grant me now.
’ She got off the couch, tears she’d held back for years streaming down her face as she faced her father.
‘Where is this coming from?’ he asked. Hands on the couch, ready to stand, but Katherine ignored him. The dam had burst and nothing would stop the raging torrent.
‘There’s no winning, Dad. I either disappoint Mum, give up the connection I have with you, or forego love and companionship. I can’t have it all. I never could!’
His eyes widened. ‘Katherine, you know… I…’ He paused, shaking his head. ‘That’s not true.’
‘I love Christmas, did you know that?’
Again, her father shook his head. ‘You always seemed above it. You never got as involved as your siblings.’
‘Think, Dad! Think back to what it was actually like. I never saw the point of fighting with my siblings who didn’t really want me in their club anyway.
This year I got to put an angel on an amazing tree, and it was one of the best moments of my life.
Lukas made me feel seen in a way no one else in my life ever has.
’ Her skin replayed the memory of him lifting her up so she could reach the top of the tree.
Her father looked as if he’d been struck.
‘I’ve always liked coffee, Dad. Every time we went out it was the first thing I ordered and yet you still didn’t know that I liked it.’
She could see the shame in her father’s expression, and it hurt her to see it, but she wanted more from her family. Hell, she wanted more from the world. From her job. She wanted respect and recognition.
‘I need to apologise to Lukas,’ she said softly. ‘And then I need to go to the office.’
‘Do what you need to, Kittykat,’ her father said gruffly, ‘and maybe after that you and I can talk. Maybe I have some making up to do as well.’
‘Dad,’ she croaked, and he went to her, engulfing her in a hug.
When he pulled away, Katherine could see his lashes were wet. ‘I’m proud of you and I love you and I’ve failed you, but I promise that will all change. Go make your call. I’ll be right here waiting.’
Katherine raced up the stairs to the bedroom she used to share with Paige. She tried Lukas’s number, praying he would answer, but it rang until she got his voicemail.
‘Lukas, I know I messed up. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the article, for how unfairly I treated you, for everything.
Please, please can we talk?’ She ended the call and sent a text.
She held the phone in her hand, waiting.
And waiting. And waiting. It had been delivered and seen but there was no response.
She had to find a way to get Lukas to talk to her. This man she loved didn’t threaten her dream, he made her see a better one. And now she needed to fight for him.